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Original poster

How would you seek forgiveness after a drunken fuck??

82 replies

Anotherbloodyday · 09/07/2017 16:18

If you really loved your DP but you had a ONS on a drunken night out, how would you seek forgiveness from them?

If it was a stupid mistake, would you be constantly begging for forgiveness and letting your DP know how much you love them all the time? How would you start to repair that trust again?

Or would you expect your DP to forgive and forget within a couple of weeks?

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 09/07/2017 16:56

If you're not happy OP (and I wouldn't be) then you can take control of the situation.

As bridge said, what do you want to happen in the future? Do you want to continue the relationship (because I think it is unlikely he will be begging for forgiveness on a regular basis) because it looks like nothing has changed for him at the moment - just you.

astoundedgoat · 09/07/2017 16:59

Anotherbloodyday

I would expect pretty much NOTHING to be on his mind beyond fixing our relationship for quite some time. Also, he wouldn't be anywhere next or near my bed, if he was even living in the house.

Moving back into our bedroom would be down the line somewhere, after he had demonstrated that was 100% committed to our marriage surviving and cherishing the living daylights out of me and our children for the foreseeable future.

There is no such thing as "forgive and forget" if your husband has had sex with somebody else, because how could you ever do either?. There is "move on together in awareness and rebuild your relationship" at best.

Doesn't sound like he has read the manual on "How to fix it when you have utterly fucked your relationship but don't want to end up living in a bedsit seeing your kids once a month and dying alone and unloved because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants after 2 pints". (see cherishing above)

Saiman · 09/07/2017 17:00

He is wanting you to forget. Not forgive.

He wants to pretend it hasnt happened. Thats not possible.

Do you reallu want to be with him?

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/07/2017 17:05

So he only told you because he had to? This would really worry me and I doubt it's the first time it's happened, sorry.

MeanAger · 09/07/2017 17:07

would you be constantly begging for forgiveness and letting your DP know how much you love them all the time?

I wouldn't expect to still have a DP to pester with my guilt.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 09/07/2017 17:08

I would expect him to be showing some kind of self-awareness in wanting to explore why it happened, so that we could work on the relationship and stop it from happening again. I would want him to recognise the long-term and lasting betrayal of trust, and see signs of committed effort on his part to rebuild that trust. I would expect to see recognisable and real signs that the person I loved and trusted, was mortified and sorry and willing to do whatever it took to get us through it - signs that he loved me and that this was a mad, stupid mistake.

People fuck up - sometimes you can recover from it, sometimes you can't. But I can tell you that if my H had only owned up because of an STD and that all I got was a shitty bunch of flowers and a hurried apology, then I'd be divorcing him on the spot.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyday · 09/07/2017 17:12

He is definitely not in my bedroom and hasn't been since that night he told me in March and neither does he seem bothered about this, not even asked to come back in the marital bed.

He makes no effort at all, doesn't really tell me he loves me, cuddle me or hold my hand...nothing.

We have 2DS aged 6 and 8 so I am trying for them. If it wasn't for the DC I would have kicked his arse out.

It does make me wonder if it's the first time he's cheated. He works away a lot, in fact just left today until thurs, and he works in a female dominated industry so trust has always been an issue anyway.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2017 17:15

yes but only because he thought he'd caught something and was advised by his doctor to go for a full health check. I don't think I would have been none the wiser otherwise.

And there lies the problem.

You don't know if he really was drunk.
You don't know if it only happened once in that trip.
You don't know if it only happened once during your relationship.

You do know it happened.
You do know you could have caught something (the something could have been HIV or hep B, or any other STI)

I could forgive a one off, but only if genuinely told without any other reason than regret, and he hadn't risked my health.

Lweji · 09/07/2017 17:16

If it wasn't for the DC I would have kicked his arse out.

Why do you think you're protecting your DC by staying with a cheat who could have made their mother very ill?

bridgetreilly · 09/07/2017 17:18

OP, I'm really sorry. It sounds like you're married to someone who doesn't love you (any more?). That's crap. It's particularly crap given that you have kids together. But here's the thing, one person can't put a relationship right. You both have to want to do that work.

I think you need to have some serious conversations with your husband that aren't really about that ONS, but about the best thing for your future and your children's future. Good luck.

Saiman · 09/07/2017 17:20

I think you need to end it.

If he is away again he really should have spent the last few days seeing what yiu needed to be ok with this.

He has checked out of the marriage but just doesnt want to be the one to end it.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 09/07/2017 17:20

Your relationship sounds like it is dead. You're going through the motions because you want to protect the children. I suspect that he's got quite a nice comfortable life where you run the home and cook and clean - and all he has to do is show up and make a financial contribution.

There is more to life than this. A relationship can be saved after infidelity, but only if both parties are willing to try and to put the effort into identifying what went wrong so that you can fix the problems and move forwards. If your partner is making zero effort then I doubt this is the first - or the last time - that he has cheated.

MommaGee · 09/07/2017 17:20

Sorry OP but I wouldn't forgive, I'd pack his bags

Underthemoonlight · 09/07/2017 17:26

The fact he works away and he only admitted to his drunken mistake and his behaviour after suggests he's a serial
Philanderer he's not the most be remorseful. I think the fact you know this because you've posting here as you sense things aren't right.

Lanaorana2 · 09/07/2017 17:27

OP, this is not going to be cheery, but it might be worth considering that he is waiting for you to boot him. That way, he can say he wasn't the one that left.

Do you love him? Do you want the rel to work? More to the point, do you see it lasting forever?

Original poster
Anotherbloodyday · 09/07/2017 17:34

Lanaorana, I'm not in love with him anymore but I still care for him like a brother I guess.

Lazy, you're right, he does have a cushy life, everything done for him and never really has to do much with the DS because I'm a SAHM so easy life for him really. Whilst he's having a good time on his work trips.

OP posts:
TipTopTipTopClop · 09/07/2017 17:40

Oh god. Please give him the boot.

Flowers
GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 09/07/2017 17:44

when you say "the usual sorry and flowers" - what is the "usual"?

Sorry and flowers is for minor mistakes IMHO. Something as huge as sleepin with someone else makes sorry and flowers a bit an insult.

I really don't like the way he's treating you OP. I'm sure you deserve much better than this.

Wormulonian · 09/07/2017 17:54

He needs to be going above and beyond whatever it is you have stipulated you need him to do to start working towards rebuilding trust.

If he is not bothered - I think you have your answer. Has he had an STI check ( and do you need one/) He potentially put your health at risk. If you don't love him anymore and he is unperturbed by sleeping in the spare room then I think you should be looking to split . You are not doing the DC a favour staying together as "brother and sister". He has his sexual life and his home comforts sorted but you deserve a life too. Would he go to counselling with the aim of negotiating an amicable split?

Littlechocola · 09/07/2017 17:54

You are teaching your children that this is normal, parents that don't love each other and a husband who disrespects his wife.
Personally I couldn't forgive.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyday · 09/07/2017 17:55

Grumpy, the usual as in "sorry but I was drunk, it won't happen again"....blah, blah, blah

Thanks for all the kind words, support and flowers. I know I need to end the marriage as he don't seem bothered, but sometimes I feel I'm too old to start again as well. Nearly 41.

OP posts:
mummarichardson · 09/07/2017 17:57

I don't think he is trying because he either doesn't think he will actually lose you or he doesn't care enough if he did. So sorry that sounds so harsh but it was the case with my husband. If he is already like a brother to you then hopefully if you split it can be amicable and as painless as possible for your children

WeeMcBeastie · 09/07/2017 18:58

You're only 41 and definitely not too old to start again! You could have another 40-50 years of this shit, is that really what you want? I agree with others that it's unlikely that this is the only time he has done this. Your description of your marriage about you not being in love with him and sitting in separate rooms combined with the fact he doesn't seem that remorseful doesn't sound great either. I know it's difficult to end a marriage (I was married for 18 years) but it's the best decision I've ever made, I'm 41 too. I'm pretty sure that if you have the courage to end this now then you will look back and be glad that you did.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2017 19:00

The first question is do you really want to forgive him? If so then it's a lot of very hard work ahead for both of you. You have to work to forgive him and he has to work to earn your trust back. Doesn't sound to me like he's very interested in doing his part, does it? But if you're continually beating him over the head with it then you aren't really doing yours. IMHO no couple can get through infidelity without serious work with a very good and impartial counselor.

Personally, for me even a ONS would be a deal breaker. If I were cheated on I know I'd never be able to trust my DH again and I will not live the rest of my life in continual suspicion and doubt. And if I were the repent 'cheater' I think I'd feel the same. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life having to prove myself even though I probably should.

BubblingUp · 09/07/2017 19:12

You lost me at "drunk" but hearing it's work-related, "drunk" is just an excuse or a lie. Seems like the classic case where he's getting his cake and eating it too and probably has been for awhile.

Hopefully, you don't have daughters because if you did they are learning a really warped lesson about marriage and the role of wives within a marriage - housekeeping, underwear washing, child-rearing, appearance-keeping. Daddies just get to keep on doing their thing - living basically separate lives, esp if there is a lot of work-related travel. (Can you tell I am the daughter of one these entitled men and I work along side them, too?)

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