Unreasonable birthday expectations?

[user1499415072]

Hi,

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. Basically, I've been with my husband a long while and we have a young family. He's a typical man when it comes to birthdays and Christmas presents and has usually bought me whatever the latest JML special is and some choc. In the last few years, with the pressures of kids and feeling a little bit neglected at times, I have said that little bits like the effort for special days does upset me a bit. In the first few years of us dating, he made a real effort and put lots of thought in, but as with everything, with time, he goes for the easy option which doesn't make me feel special.

Anyway, we have had talks recently about our whole relationship and how we need to make more of an effort to rekindle things and the birthday/Christmas/anniversary thing was included in that. I have always said that I don't want to be spoilt, but just a bit of something with thought. If I want clothes, jewellery, anything nice basically, I always have to buy my own and it would have been nice to be treated to something nice. Even big birthdays have been the same so far, but he said he would make an effort.

This year, I thought I would help him out a bit with some ideas. I've been making more of an effort with my appearance lately (as part of the making an effort thing and to boost my own confidence) so I told him I'd love some new tops, or underwear and gave him the sizes. I had a sample of perfume that I liked and said I'd love a full size bottle and he knew where to find the sample for the name. I said I'd be happy with some jewellery or hair things (gave him specific ideas) or particular brand of make up. I told him all this over a week ago and have added bits over the last few days so he had lots of options (with the idea he'd only buy 1/2 things). He works full time but could nip out at lunch or go out after work and even if I'd have known he was going out to buy me something, I'd have been happy enough.

Today, I get up and he presents me with my presents which are stuffed in one bag with some crepe paper so nothing to unwrap. I get some bath stuff which a female colleague told him she likes (so apparently I'm bound to love it), a make up palette which is ok but not the one I asked for and a bar of chocolate. All was bought from the local Boots on a quick lunch trip. I didn't even get a card (bought or homemade) from the kids.

He asked if it was all ok and I kind of nodded, although I'm sure he must have been able to sense my disappointment. I feel so upset and angry that even after the chat we've had, I basically get the same lack of effort and giving specifics have still meant I've got a bag of bits I don't particularly want. I'm upset that he would buy something a female colleague likes with the assumption that being a woman, I must love it too, despite me telling him the things I would love. If I now want any of the bits I had picked, I've got to go and spend more money and buy my own.

He's gone to work and I don't know what to do. Part of me really wants to have a go at him for this because I feel so disappointed. Another part wants to send him to work with the bath shit to give to his friend. And the other part thinks he will always be useless with gifts and thoughtless and to not bother saying anything again and just fake a smile at each occasion. But it's also such a waste of money and I've got the house more tat I don't want and spend more money to get the things I did want. I'm also not the sort of person to want to upset others and feel really ungrateful to moan about being given anything. I just (stupidly) had high hopes before today because of our talks and his insistence that he had it all in hand.

We have a big wedding anniversary coming up in a few weeks and although he's said that will also be special, I'm already feeling like I know what it will be. There will be no thought and it'l be left til the last minute. I'd just love a bit of effort.

Just for balance, I make a big deal of every one of his/our special occasions with things he will love and plan in advance to get nice things. I feel a bit like not bothering now for our anniversary, but then that's not me.

Am I being silly and ungrateful or would this upset you too? Honest answers please as I want to know if I'm being a knob about this.

No, he's the knob. You gave him a list, ffs. And how did that conversation with his colleague go? He had your list and her advice and went with her advice? I'd tell him to take it all back to the shop.

No, I think you've a right to be a bit upset. There's two ways of going with it, I guess.

You could consciously stop making any effort for Birthdays and Christmas between you (you can still spoil the kids if you enjoy doing that) and tell him you'd rather have money to spoil yourself with and you'll do the same for his.

It's giving up, I guess, but at least you won't feel the resentment of him letting you down and you won't feel it's all unbalanced because you won't have made any effort for him either.

Or, you could try again to make him see how this makes you feel. But really, is he going to change now? It would be nice to think we all can, but the reality is that he's unlikely to.

In the longer run, is this an end of marriage level problem for you?

I am presuming she gave him a lift to the shops on his lunch break and probably (knowing my husband) went in with him to help pick, or walked around and made a suggestion. It hasn't helped that one of my kids had woke up in a horrid mood and virtually had me in tears trying to get her ready for school. She hasn't once said Happy Birthday and just walked off and ignored me when we got to school. So I'm probably feeling extra delicate and like I just don't matter. Not that our daughter is always an angel for DH either. She's just a very moody pre-teen but has nevertheless added to me feeling crap this morning.

YANB a knob. I always feel sorry for people (usually husbands!) whose partners are bitterly disappointed on their birthday because vague hints were not picked up on, but that's clearly not the case here. I don't see what more you could have done!

He made an effort in the early days, so you know he IS capable of it. All you want is to feel like it matters enough to him that you have a particularly nice day on your birthday that he goes to a bit of trouble to make sure you do. This crap grabbed from Boots at the last minute just doesn't cut it.

I would talk to him tonight and explain that you are a bit disappointed, given that you'd pretty much given him a list of things that are not difficult to get hold of...

Happy birthday, by the way!

When I saw the thread title I assumed this was going to be someone upset over unrealistic expectations but everything you've said in the OP makes me think he has been a twat!

I've never really celebrated my birthday and neither has my husband so we do just get each other cards and chocolates but if you've specifically said what you would like and how it would make you feel, its awful for him to just ignore it all! And after you've been trying to make an effort too. It sounds like he doesn't have much respect to be honest.

How is he generally outside of these occasions?

I imagine the conversation with the colleague went like this:

DH: (slightly out of breath) I've just hastily grabbed this crap from Boots for the wife's birthday tomorrow - do you think it's OK?

Colleague: (eyes hastily-grabbed crap askance) Oh, erm, yes, it's great! I've got some of that bubble bath and I really like it.

DH: (confidence visibily buoyed) Great! This reaffirms the excellence of my choice. DW can't fail to like it if it has the seal of approval of another female of the species!

We have had lots of issues, like a lot of couples with young kids where intimacy/affection etc has decreased and I've felt quite lonely. I've talked about this many times before too and nothing has changed really but he has made a tiny bit of effort recently with a few more cuddles and dedicating a bit of time for us to sit together and watch something. It's just been a lack of effort with everything really but the gift thing would have been an easy thing to sort and would have shown a bit of a change. I'm probably a bit sensitive because my birthday was the trial run almost for our big anniversary and seeing how little effort he's put into today, I feel like taking the kids away for our anniversary and not being at home to see how little he's done.

The problem is, before my birthday, I said a couple of times that I hoped he hadn't forgot and he kept saying he'd got it all sorted and not to judge him on his past behaviour. If I bring up our anniversary, he will no doubt say the same, but he's proved today that he hadn't planned anything and nothing was 'in hand'. It's like I'm trying to look like I'm giving him a chance to show he's changed but knowing in the back of my mind that I'm waiting for more disappointment.

I grew up in a family where my dad never really brought my mum anything and my mum would only occasionally buy my dad anything so feel im perhaps being ungrateful. My parents didn't have a great relationship though so I don't want to end up like that. I know men are notoriously crap at present buying so keep thinking that I'm probably overreacting. I guess it's also because it's one of a few problems.

It makes me sad though because I still think the world of him and if I could meet him again I would. We had a few really amazing years before it all became stagnant and predictably boring. I'm pretty sure he loves me too, but just seems satisfied to plod on as we are (he seems happy enough apart from my moaning about being unhappy). So it's always like he's having to make an effort just for me. I just don't want to feel like this on my birthday.

Happy Birthday!
Some people just don't do birthday presents well and there is almost nothing you can do about it. It may not be lack of thought, it may just not be one of his talents (which sounds almost daft, as if you do presents well it sounds almost incredible that people can fail so badly). I ask DH not to get me anything now (rather than be upset) and just get myself a treat (especially worthwhile in the sales after Christmas.

Why didn't you tell him it was a load of tat. He clearly doesn't do "hints" or strong nods.

In future I would write a list and tell him to buy items off the list only.

It was my birthday and I didn't want a fall out before he went to work so tried to keep quiet. I know it would have also been too late to change it for this year. I didn't write a list but did give him a range of gifts I'd like. He went to Boots in the end and could have got me the perfume I liked but instead I got some other rubbish. He knew where the sample bottle was if he had wanted the buy me some and I'd purposely made sure he'd had a whiff of it a few times this week and he had also said it was nice. If he had said in advance that he'd not bought anything then that would have been easier to accept but it's the fact he had supposedly listened to my suggestions and said a few times that he'd got it sorted. I'm more disappointed because he had built up an expectation of my getting something I actually liked.

I had made it so easy for him and he wouldn't have actually had to put any thought in it because of the things I'd asked for. I see a few friends having birthdays and their husbands actually surprise them with stuff they like and they've not even had to make suggestions, which just makes me feel like I'm missing out a bit. But I'm trying to balance this in my head with the fact that I do love him to bits and can't imagine life without him. In order to stay together though, I am constantly having to settle for less and just wish he would buck his ideas up a bit.

TBH I would say 'do you still have the Boots receipt? I'd like to swap it for that perfume I was hoping for' but then that's me.

If the receipt is about (or even ask for it) I would return the stuff you can. Drive the point home into his (insensitive) skull...

Yes I think you're right and I will ask him to return it. It just makes me feel so unkind and like I'm setting us up for an evening of fall outs because he will probably think he's done ok. Although he's deluded if he thinks that after all the talks we've had and how many times I've said what I want. We don't have tonnes of spare cash though so don't want it wasted on stuff I don't want.

Happy birthday.

Agree about asking for the receipt. And if he doesn't have the receipt try it with a bank statement - I got a replacement for something nicer from Clarks with DH's statement.

See, I don't get that he really thinks he's done ok. He knows he hasn't really, he just thinks he's got away with it. You don't need to create a bad atmosphere, just have the discussion, and hopefully move on. Then go and get the perfume you wanted.

Generally I have founds Boots really good re exchanges.

Ok so because the kids would be around later and I didn't want any bad atmosphere, I text DH to say I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't get anything off my list and it was just a quick run round Boots after our talks about making an effort. He said I've made him feel bad and I'm so critical that nothing is ever any good and he'll just return the lot. He said he couldn't remember specifics but heard eyeshadow so he bought eyeshadow and thought all women liked bath stuff and chocolate. He said that's what he gets for trying to make an effort and buy things he thinks I'll like and he won't bother again. He said he was going to buy the other things for our anniversary but I've spoilt all that too now.

He has such a way of making me feel bad. I didn't ask him to save it all for our anniversary though and just really thought he was going to treat me to something nice today, after all he had said. Feel like there will be world war 3 tonight 😔

" He said that's what he gets for trying to make an effort and buy things he thinks I'll like"

Bollocks to that. He didnt buy what he thought YOUD like, he bought "misc women shit", and running round boots on a lunchbreak is hardly making a huge effort. And how convenient for him that "he was going to make a big effort and now wont". I have NEVER heard this said where there was any evidence whatsoever that these "plans" ever existed.

How would he feel if for his presents you bought him a football sticker album and a dvd on trains? After all, thats what "men" like, right?

He is a dick and he is trying to deflect. He said he couldn't remember specifics, in other words he couldn't be bothered listening. Even then that is no excuse any fool knows you don't just buy any make up, I know what DW uses and her sizes. Not because I am some pay attention freak. It's because around birthday time I open the draw/cupboard and look.

How would he feel if he asked for a Chelsea shirt and you bought him an Arsenal one, because you couldn't remember specifics

This is not your fault, you are allowed to say you are disappointed.

My exH was exactly like this, it got to the point were I told him exactly what I wanted - the words "don't worry I've got your present all organised" filled me with horror as I knew it would be something I didn't want (one time he bought me a hugely expensive bike, I had never once expressed an interest in cycling and when it got stolen (phew!) I used the insurance money to buy something I liked.

On the flip side, I love buying gifts, I want to know the main present is wanted, but also love seeing little stocking filler type things that are basically nonsense but make me think of the person when I see them (something to make him laugh, tickets to a show I think he'd like but would never book himself etc) - but he was always so scathing of this I stopped. I think that basically gift giving/receiving just isn't as important to some people.

I also think that in the early days of our relationship, I was less judgemental of his "surprises" because as a single person, I was used to buying what I wanted/needed for myself. Later on, we didn't have the time or money to spoil ourselves regularly, so there was a level of expectation hat he would want to spoil me in the same way I wanted to spoil him.

What an arsehole OP! He hasn't listened to a thing you've said and now is going to sulk and make out he's the victim of your ingratitude. He really didn't get the talk about effort at all did he?

If I were you I would organise a night out tonight with mates who will make a big fuss of you on your birthday - you deserve it.

Happy birthday OP and sorry it started so shitty

He said he couldn't remember specifics but heard eyeshadow so he bought eyeshadow and thought all women liked bath stuff and chocolate.

Yes, because it's well known that women have a hive mind and all have identical desires
It's also well-known that all makeup is identical, that's why it all costs and looks the same

Sarcasm aside....

It's completely normal and reasonable to want to feel cherished and cared for by your partner. I would focus on that when you speak to him about it - this isn't about this present choice or that present choice. This is about you feeling unloved.

Suggestion to try and repair and remain positive. Could you go to shops together to swap items, get some lunch etc ?

His response is very passive agressive . If he was actually sorry he would have said so and offered to exchange the wrong things for those you wanted.

He has you in a bind , doesn't he.

If you don't tell him what you want, he gets the wrong thing and it's your own fault.

If you DO tell him what you want, you still get the wrong thing and it's your own fault ( again ) because you are not grateful enough for things you don't want. .

He very manipulative .

My dh is rubbish with gifts but (really) fab otherwise, so I don't think it's always necessarily indicative of something bigger. However, it's hurtful and it still hurts me although I know he's otherwise great. I've tried explaining how you just keep your eyes and ears open, you just LOOK and LISTEN and pick up on what the other person likes, but he still gets it more or less wrong. However, if I'd actually given him specific perfume or makeup brands he would have managed that. It's very poor of your dh that he couldn't even get you a bottle of specifically named perfume. (Think you're brave in just saying 'tops' or 'X brand eyeshadow' though - isn't there tons of potential to get things wrong re styles/shades etc.?). Mine would also never have said the 'I thought all women...' thing. That's quite .

His defensive response indicates that he CBA and feels caught out. Not good at all.