Unreasonable birthday expectations?

[user1499415072]

Hi,

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. Basically, I've been with my husband a long while and we have a young family. He's a typical man when it comes to birthdays and Christmas presents and has usually bought me whatever the latest JML special is and some choc. In the last few years, with the pressures of kids and feeling a little bit neglected at times, I have said that little bits like the effort for special days does upset me a bit. In the first few years of us dating, he made a real effort and put lots of thought in, but as with everything, with time, he goes for the easy option which doesn't make me feel special.

Anyway, we have had talks recently about our whole relationship and how we need to make more of an effort to rekindle things and the birthday/Christmas/anniversary thing was included in that. I have always said that I don't want to be spoilt, but just a bit of something with thought. If I want clothes, jewellery, anything nice basically, I always have to buy my own and it would have been nice to be treated to something nice. Even big birthdays have been the same so far, but he said he would make an effort.

This year, I thought I would help him out a bit with some ideas. I've been making more of an effort with my appearance lately (as part of the making an effort thing and to boost my own confidence) so I told him I'd love some new tops, or underwear and gave him the sizes. I had a sample of perfume that I liked and said I'd love a full size bottle and he knew where to find the sample for the name. I said I'd be happy with some jewellery or hair things (gave him specific ideas) or particular brand of make up. I told him all this over a week ago and have added bits over the last few days so he had lots of options (with the idea he'd only buy 1/2 things). He works full time but could nip out at lunch or go out after work and even if I'd have known he was going out to buy me something, I'd have been happy enough.

Today, I get up and he presents me with my presents which are stuffed in one bag with some crepe paper so nothing to unwrap. I get some bath stuff which a female colleague told him she likes (so apparently I'm bound to love it), a make up palette which is ok but not the one I asked for and a bar of chocolate. All was bought from the local Boots on a quick lunch trip. I didn't even get a card (bought or homemade) from the kids.

He asked if it was all ok and I kind of nodded, although I'm sure he must have been able to sense my disappointment. I feel so upset and angry that even after the chat we've had, I basically get the same lack of effort and giving specifics have still meant I've got a bag of bits I don't particularly want. I'm upset that he would buy something a female colleague likes with the assumption that being a woman, I must love it too, despite me telling him the things I would love. If I now want any of the bits I had picked, I've got to go and spend more money and buy my own.

He's gone to work and I don't know what to do. Part of me really wants to have a go at him for this because I feel so disappointed. Another part wants to send him to work with the bath shit to give to his friend. And the other part thinks he will always be useless with gifts and thoughtless and to not bother saying anything again and just fake a smile at each occasion. But it's also such a waste of money and I've got the house more tat I don't want and spend more money to get the things I did want. I'm also not the sort of person to want to upset others and feel really ungrateful to moan about being given anything. I just (stupidly) had high hopes before today because of our talks and his insistence that he had it all in hand.

We have a big wedding anniversary coming up in a few weeks and although he's said that will also be special, I'm already feeling like I know what it will be. There will be no thought and it'l be left til the last minute. I'd just love a bit of effort.

Just for balance, I make a big deal of every one of his/our special occasions with things he will love and plan in advance to get nice things. I feel a bit like not bothering now for our anniversary, but then that's not me.

Am I being silly and ungrateful or would this upset you too? Honest answers please as I want to know if I'm being a knob about this.

Because of how stagnant things have become, im viewing the gift as an insight into how he sees me and lately, it's been not worth bothering with, mumsy and dowdy. That's not how I want to be made to feel have you told him this Op?

He doesn't sound great but clothes, make up etc can be difficult to buy. Unless you are very specific, I want this dress in this colour in a size 10, kind of specific.
I don't think buying things will change your feelings though, what have you got planned for your birthday? Is he taking you out or anything?

Try not to let it ruin your day, tell him what you've said on here or let him read it, if you don't mind him knowing you post on here.

Could you arrange a shopping trip with him this weekend? Then you can show him what you like and pick out some stuff together, stop for a nice lunch and make a day of it!

Judging by your latest update, actions speak louder than words. You deserve better. Point all that out to him, unless he is as manipulative as I think he is, he should feel ashamed of himself.

...but he didnt need his friend to do all that, did he? When he was hand-making his friends birthday present two months ago, his friend didnt have to carefully and subtly nudge him towards putting some time and thought in.

I get really annoyed at the "take him out, show him, have a nice lunch" - why the hell should his unthinking thoughtlessness be rewarded with a nice lunch and a "there there, I'll help you" attitude? The OP managed to get him better presents than "a can of beer and a packet of crisps from the petrol station" and he didnt have to take her out on a special shopping trip to get it either.

Sounded like you were describing my ex.. he would hint and ask for all sorts of expensive things, watches clothes ps4 games and expect them. I'd also get nice extras.

When it came to me? He didn't give a fuck!

The last birthday we had together I spoke to him before about effort and what I would like, a bit like how you did.
On the day he was hungover so shoved a card my way and shouted at me when I was not all happy clappy thankful.
I also always arranged stuff for us to do for his, and had asked him what we were doing for mine (like agreed) he shrugged his shoulders and said I dunno.
That day was the beginning of the end. He's rather annoyed he has to do his own washing now.

I keep my Amazon wish list topped up and update it before my birthday and Christmas.

I had crappy birthdays growing up so have pretty low birthday/Christmas expectations for myself. However the rest of the family (husband and kids) get spoiled on theirs...cake, balloons, cards, gifts, decorations, you know, a nice day.

Well, and I'm not proud of this, a few years ago the effort for my birthday was so low I lost the rag. Told them they were selfish if they though one card between them and a gift in a plastic supermarket bag was what I deserved they would see considerably less effort from me in the future. (Kids were 13 and 15, so old enough to know better). Of course I calmed down, apologised and life carried on. Then came Mother's Day...I got flowers, cards, chocolates, presents, cake and taken out for dinner. Then I felt too guilty to properly enjoy it.

Happy Birthday OP! I hope your day improves and you enjoy the rest of it.

thought all women liked bath stuff and chocolate

That's the worst possible thing he could say. It shows he's bought your gifts with a 'that'll do' mentality rather than taking the effort to think about what would please you.

You aren't 'all women' you are you and he's not seeing you for you and appreciating you for who you are, especially when he has done this with his friends birthday.

I think he sounds like an inconsiderate twat tbh, more so for trying to turn it back round on you, he couldn't be arsed to remember what you told him & fucked up buying you some shit from boots, now you've made him feel bad by pointing out said fuck up-boo fucking hoo mate
Take the shit back & buy the perfume you wanted, have a lovely evening for your birthday then tomorrow make clear to him how you feel & make sure he's listening.

The fact he made such an effort for his friend's birthday undermines everything he's said in an attempt to justify himself. I'd be telling him that, and saying that his effort for you in comparison is clearly just as much as he thought he could get away with and no more.

Katedotness i felt like doing that too on my most recent birthday - wish I had now. I thought that by modelling "good practice* my teens would come through for me.

I had a s**t childhood including birthdays, Xmas etc but I have always kept a lid on my feelings and got thorugh but now I'm in my 50's I have become emotional/upset about them and how despite explicitly telling people what I would like in advance, writing lists etc I still can't seem to get pampered and cherished on them. I just buy myself a nice treat and try to do what I want but it's not the same (blub)

He used to get you thoughtful gifts, now he can't remember and mixes your desires up with his co-worker's?

Have you considered the possibility of an affair or that he's started to have a wandering eye? A close friend of mine's husband did a very similar thing once, bought her a perfume that was supposedly recommended by his female coworker. Turned out (this came out over MONTHS that were hell on her marriage) he had a huge, very teenager-like idiot unrequited crush on the coworker, had told her she smelled nice, she said "oh, thank you, it's [perfume name]," and he went out and bought a big bottle so his wife could smell like the woman at work he wanted to shag!

I'm not saying this is definitely the problem, but it's something I'd be considering when another woman's choices are making their way into your scent basket.

He's a twat

He's proven he can make the effort because he used to at the beginning of your relationship.

You wrote him a list. You told him what you wanted. Instead of acknowledging that list, he listened to what a woman at work had to say and got you her ideas instead?

He has ears. He has a brain. He is capable of listening to what people say, he proved that by getting you the suggestions this woman made!

He's just choosing not to listen to you, OP.

My arse was he saving the other gifts for your anniversary he's just saying that to make you feel bad for voicing your feelings.

Happy Birthday, OP! Don't take it too much to heart. Some blokes just never get it right with gifts, nice surprises, days out etc. I think they just don't 'get' it.

My DH is one of them! I decided quite early on in our marriage (after a few disappointments), if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! So we made an agreement that we will never get each other presents of any description, for any reason.

That way, there are no expectations and therefore no disappointments - and nobody feels that they have to be grateful to receive something they don't like or didn't want and nobody feels bad for having bought the "wrong thing".

Happy birthday OP
I know just how you feel!
I have an Amazon wish list which my DC could refer to, but we usually ask what each other wants, or they ask each other what I want.
I can't think of a gift I've had off one of them I've not liked, sometimes it's not always to my taste, but I know it's always thoughtful!
I once got a big bag of white chocolate mice from my DD, given to me wordlessly as she was mad at me for something.
She didn't have a lot of money but knew I loved them!

We usually get my DGC to look through a toy catalogue and put a mark next to what they like, on the understanding they can't have everything!
Maybe that would work with your H?
Get an argos or boots catalogue so he has something physical to refer to, like we used to do in't olden days!

I have a few exes who bought me rubbish presents when I've always given thoughtful ones, as I listened to what they wanted!
With one ex I used to have to say something like 'I want this exact perfume in this size bottle from this shop'
And to be fair I always got what I'd asked for but it took the shine off a bit to know that I'd had to go look for it to tell him, he put very little effort in!

I've been single now for a few years and sometimes I think I'm too fussy, but then realise I'm not in wanting a partner who listens to me.

It is possible for anyone to buy/make a thoughtful gift as your h has shown he can, so if you said to him all you want is for him to show you the same care and consideration he showed his friend, what would he say?

He's horrible for trying to blame his mistake on you, you deserve a thoughtful loving gift which anyone can do if they put their mind to it.

Does he give you a list as long as his arm when it's his birthday coming up? I couldn't get worked up about this, the gifts sound nice. DH and I don't really get materialistic about gifts but I suppose I feel valued by him every day. Maybe there are wider issues at play about feeling appreciated rather than buying you specific items. After all of you have to expressly ask for things then zero thought has gone into it anyway.

I would love to hear your stance on screen time too, just for fun grin

I don't really understand this comment or why you think it's appropriate to mock my life, you need to get a life of my own.

Only read the first page but this sounds so much like my first marriage!

It ended in divorce. Now remarried and we don't buy big presents but he gets me a little something and take both his SD (my DD) and our DS shopping, they make cards and depending on time they bake a cake or I bake it and they decorate.

Of course this is just a symptom of the bigger issues as you've come to realise too. After 3 years of trying to talk, trying to solve things and counselling on my own as he wouldn't go to couples sessions, I called it quits!

Oooo let me try and guess what he'll be getting as that 'big anniversary' gift? How about a 6x marriage counselling sessions voucher?

I'm only slightly joking. It really does tick all the boxes: it's expensive, caring and exactly what he needs, no?

I hope you find a way to salvage your birthday, though. Can you possibly get a sitter in, or drag the lot to a mates house with Netflix and buy in some great food and tipples for you and your mate? If DP is seriously up for a sulk, let him have it alone. With a bit of luck, someone will ask him next week how he celebrated you and he'll have to admit what a knob he was.

Hippy Birdy, from someone who WILL have her week-long birthday festival, even if she has to organise (most of) it herself!

You've built your birthday gift into a thing, a sort of 'how my H feels about ne barometer' and it has now taken on a life of its own. The truth is he has done more than he usually does and he's involved a colleague (whose kindly obliged) because he acknowledges that it's not his strength.

Was your list written down? Did he know not to go off list (except for the specific things that are in your head and that he would never imagine on his own)?

You are entitled to feel unhappy about your relationship but weaponising gift giving ain't going to change that. Would buying exactly what was on your list, really be a sign that he appreciates you?

MN is an eye opener for me because I'm more than happy with gift tokens and have been very critical of people who believe that gift tokens are a lazy gift or people who badger you for a list, only to get something not on the list but expect you to be bloody gleeful for something that will get buried in a drawer.

My Ex bought me a Magimix, a wonderful present which he knew I really wanted but it was never something I expected someone to buy for me because are v. expensive. Unfortunately it became the benchmark of his gift giving and he expected the same level of gushing at all his subsequent gift buying endeavours and yes, he was the one who said that gift tokens weren't a real gift.

I get that writing a list and getting exactly what you asked for is a thing for children, I didn't realise it was a thing for adults too. I always say to DD (10) that her list is a guide and I will endeavour to buy some gifts on it but not all. I will always retain the receipt just in case she really hates what I bought.

I've come to the conclusion that men (or, to be fair, some men) just don't "get" the whole gifts thing. My DH is a bit like this. To be fair to him, he isn't bothered at all about gifts for himself either. I have found it easier just to accept this and one year said, to his grateful astonishment, that we just shouldn't bother. Makes life a lot less stressful all round. We still celebrate birthdays with a meal out or a cake....but we just buy what we want to have rather than making it a birthday thing. Less romantic? Yes. But life is less stressful!

Happy Birthday OP. You sound very unhappy and no wonder. It's time you stopped trying with him and focused your energies on your own happiness. You're right, he just doesn't care about you and isn't hiding it. You deserve much better.