Unreasonable birthday expectations?

[user1499415072]

Hi,

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. Basically, I've been with my husband a long while and we have a young family. He's a typical man when it comes to birthdays and Christmas presents and has usually bought me whatever the latest JML special is and some choc. In the last few years, with the pressures of kids and feeling a little bit neglected at times, I have said that little bits like the effort for special days does upset me a bit. In the first few years of us dating, he made a real effort and put lots of thought in, but as with everything, with time, he goes for the easy option which doesn't make me feel special.

Anyway, we have had talks recently about our whole relationship and how we need to make more of an effort to rekindle things and the birthday/Christmas/anniversary thing was included in that. I have always said that I don't want to be spoilt, but just a bit of something with thought. If I want clothes, jewellery, anything nice basically, I always have to buy my own and it would have been nice to be treated to something nice. Even big birthdays have been the same so far, but he said he would make an effort.

This year, I thought I would help him out a bit with some ideas. I've been making more of an effort with my appearance lately (as part of the making an effort thing and to boost my own confidence) so I told him I'd love some new tops, or underwear and gave him the sizes. I had a sample of perfume that I liked and said I'd love a full size bottle and he knew where to find the sample for the name. I said I'd be happy with some jewellery or hair things (gave him specific ideas) or particular brand of make up. I told him all this over a week ago and have added bits over the last few days so he had lots of options (with the idea he'd only buy 1/2 things). He works full time but could nip out at lunch or go out after work and even if I'd have known he was going out to buy me something, I'd have been happy enough.

Today, I get up and he presents me with my presents which are stuffed in one bag with some crepe paper so nothing to unwrap. I get some bath stuff which a female colleague told him she likes (so apparently I'm bound to love it), a make up palette which is ok but not the one I asked for and a bar of chocolate. All was bought from the local Boots on a quick lunch trip. I didn't even get a card (bought or homemade) from the kids.

He asked if it was all ok and I kind of nodded, although I'm sure he must have been able to sense my disappointment. I feel so upset and angry that even after the chat we've had, I basically get the same lack of effort and giving specifics have still meant I've got a bag of bits I don't particularly want. I'm upset that he would buy something a female colleague likes with the assumption that being a woman, I must love it too, despite me telling him the things I would love. If I now want any of the bits I had picked, I've got to go and spend more money and buy my own.

He's gone to work and I don't know what to do. Part of me really wants to have a go at him for this because I feel so disappointed. Another part wants to send him to work with the bath shit to give to his friend. And the other part thinks he will always be useless with gifts and thoughtless and to not bother saying anything again and just fake a smile at each occasion. But it's also such a waste of money and I've got the house more tat I don't want and spend more money to get the things I did want. I'm also not the sort of person to want to upset others and feel really ungrateful to moan about being given anything. I just (stupidly) had high hopes before today because of our talks and his insistence that he had it all in hand.

We have a big wedding anniversary coming up in a few weeks and although he's said that will also be special, I'm already feeling like I know what it will be. There will be no thought and it'l be left til the last minute. I'd just love a bit of effort.

Just for balance, I make a big deal of every one of his/our special occasions with things he will love and plan in advance to get nice things. I feel a bit like not bothering now for our anniversary, but then that's not me.

Am I being silly and ungrateful or would this upset you too? Honest answers please as I want to know if I'm being a knob about this.

He said that's what he gets for trying to make an effort and buy things he thinks I'll like and he won't bother again. He said he was going to buy the other things for our anniversary but I've spoilt all that too now.

What an utter arsehole. I wouldn't let him get away with this bullshit attitude and behaviour.

My husband is not very presenty. If it was up to him he would rather not bother with presents at all, for either of our birthdays or xmas. But it's important to me, so we compromise - I tell him what I want and he gets it and wraps it. That way I have something to open (which is also something I genuinely want), and he doesn't have to stress out over choosing something for me.

OP, your husband is unwilling to even do this basic compromise. He's a selfish dick. Don't let him twist things so you take the blame over this.

I would tell him that I don't consider him popping to Boots on his lunch break and buying random crap "making an effort". It would have been disappointing enough even if you hadn't discussed this exact thing (and how it makes you feel) with him already. The fact that you did, and he still ignored it would piss me off no end. And how convenient that he makes you feel guilty and tries to suggest he was saving the good presents for your anniversary Utter bullshit. He's gone from being a bit useless to very unpleasant.

I'd be inviting some friends out for dinner/drinks tonight and leaving him and your DD to themselves.

I think OP needs to grow up a bit and stop fixating on a birthday. That's what small kids do.

Men like golf, don't they? Buy him a golfing jumper and some balls for your anniversary because you thought he'd like them.🙄

I empathise with you I had years of crap presents, my ex would buy me things he wanted with no thought as to whether I might like them or not, when I expressed disappointment he'd just say "oh, I'll have it then".

Things improved as the children got older as they would choose my presents and I've done really rather well over the last few years.😊 But yes it is the complete lack of effort that gets to you in the end, it felt very much like I wasn't worth bothering about while he'd spend hours researching things he wanted and fortunes buying them and I'd end up with cheap chocolates and toiletries I was allergic to!

And I don't think it is a man thing some of my friends oh's plan wonderful surprises and gifts for them.

That's just your opinion, and not shared by many of us responding on here Neutrogena. Not nice or helpful so perhaps don't bother commenting on this subject again.

I agree with PP that you are fixating too much on a birthday. My DP is pretty crap at gifts to be honest, I don't even bother hinting anymore. If I want something in particular, I just use his credit card buy it myself. If you think your gifts were rubbish, the other week DP told me to get ready as he has a surprise for me after he finishes work. There was me thinking he was going to take me out for a meal in the restaurant I've been banging on about for ages or maybe even to the west end for the play that I want to go and see. Nope! My lovely surprise was to head off to Sainsbury's and pick out an epilator. 😂 Some people are just shit at gifts, if they are great in other ways I'd just ignore it.

I totally disagree with people saying you are fixating too much or making too much of a fuss - this followed on from RECENT talks about how they were both going to make more effort, they both agreed they needed to step things up, and now he just...hasnt. The OP told him specifically what she wanted, and hes ignored it because he couldnt be bothered to actually remember what the OP had said.

OP is fixating on her birthday as she feels uncared for and not valued. This was his moment to step up and not only did he not he has then made it the OPs fault.

It is the lack of care that so hurtful. The OP wanting a sign that underneath all the crap of day to day life one day can be picked out to make her feel special.

I also think the OPs dd is picking up on the general disrespect of the OP to treat her mother badly on her birthday. A pre teen is old enough to be nice on her mothers birthday.

I really do feel in this situation that if you are being treated badly and no one is making a fuss then you need to step up and demand better treatment.

Text him back and simply repeat that his lack of effort has hurt you. The promise that he had it sorted was clearly a lie and that you wish for the items to be returned and more suitable stuff purchased.

And I would be having words with dd too. I am sure you treat her well on her birthday and you matter too!

You do matter. Remember that and if other people within your family are not treating you the way you deserve remind them and demand they do.

He has it all his own way, doesn't he? He gets to not make any effort on your birthday despite your doing all the work for him and then still berate YOU for making him feel bad.

I would be pissed off by the crap gifts but INCANDESCENT with rage at that crap reply.

He's not a "typical man" many men are perfectly capable of buying gifts, don't excuse his crapness because he's a man.

You need to tell him what you've said here, you're disappointed at the lack if thought and effort
Don't nod your head and say it's fine, be honest

I just wish I didn't have to do any of this. If he could have just behaved like other men and been thoughtful enough to hunt out a gift (even if it had been rubbish tbh) I wouldn't have had to spend my birthday like this. But then the other part of me does feel bad for looking so ungrateful and I know we're probably in for a row later and that will spoil my birthday even more than the crap gifts so maybe I should have just accepted it and said it was ok. It just feels like this is what I get on every special occasion - a choice between accepting the rubbish gifts and lack of thought and just feeling sad inside or saying something, having to buy my own stuff (which doesn't really make up for it) and then having a big row.

If I didn't love him or care about him anymore, it would be easy because I'd just leave, but I know he's a decent bloke deep down. Or he was a decent bloke and I keep trying to remember the old days and think I might find a way of getting the old DH back. That's why I feel so cheated because not only do some other women have romantic husbands that make an effort but my DH made me think he was like that because he made a massive effort for the first few years and everything he bought was thoughtful and showed he saw me as a woman. I got feminine presents and lingerie. Now I've made an effort with my appearance and dressing better, but still I feel like he's sees me the same way. The only clothing he's bought me in years has been a fleece for dog walking. I want him to buy me something sexy. I'm on a diet at the minute (not massive but need to lose a stone) so even something I could have slimmed into would have been nice. Just something that shows he still fancies me and sees me as an attractive woman.

He doesn't see how a gift means more than just what it is. Because of how stagnant things have become, im viewing the gift as an insight into how he sees me and lately, it's been not worth bothering with, mumsy and dowdy. That's not how I want to be made to feel and especially as I'm trying so hard to eat well and exercise to feel more like the old me. I feel invisible sometimes and like it doesn't matter what I do, he will just see me as a wife and mother. I'm not old but this makes me feel old.

To those saying she should just suck up the crapness - he used to get her thoughtful presents back in the days when he didn't take her for granted so it's not something he is inherently capable of doing, he simply chooses not to bother any more, even though he knows this upsets OP.

Agree with PP - how disappointing and upsetting. I like to feel looked after on my birthday too.

One thing that did strike me was that while he clearly didn't live up to your (entirely reasonable) expectations, it sounds like he did up the effort somewhat. If previously he bought JML crap and this year did in fact go out ahead of time and buy something vaguely along the lines of what you wanted, maybe he is hurt that that has not been acknowledged.

Please don't misunderstand OP you are fully in the right, but if things haven't been great and he thinks that when he's at least moving in the right direction he still gets a bollocking , it might build up resentment on both sides.

My DH and I had something similar. He hated buying me things off a list as he assumed it would show he hasn't thought of anything himself, so presents were always slightly off. Now he knows stick to the list!

@Brahms3rdracket Yes, it's my opinion. Most of all replies are opinion and not fact.
I don't deny that this husband sounds a bit crap, but for OH to go on about her birthday makes her sound a rather pathetic figure (which I am sure she isn't). It also gives him the excuse that he's fine for the other 364 days of the year.
OH should concentrate on day-to-day failings of her OH.😋

Sorry, wrong smilie thing

I have ended up doing an Amazon wishlist just for my other half with the exact brands that i am after for various things (ie which bubble bath) or "earnings that are in this metal and similar to this"

so he has the hints clearly written down to refer back to.

It does sound bad but I suppose he was thinking that by getting something similar but not he same as on the list he was using initiative.

My husband is usually great at birthdays but I've had quite a few valentines and anniversaries where he just hasn't bothered. This year I didn't bother and he got a card and flowers, I don't feel bad though as I have had this done to me before! He doesn't really care either way!

Maybe your husband just doesn't consider these things that important.

It is the thoughtlessness. I have this all the time with my DH. I don't want the moon on a stick or loads of money spent just a little time given to thinking about what I might like (or even the thought that he even notices who I am and what my tastes actually are) and a little time spent picking something out and putting it in some nice paper or gift bag (something that he knows is important to me).

It is hurtful when they have dashed to get some tat at the last minute.

I do think it is rotten of your DH to turn this onto you and play the poor me card. He didn't bother and got called on it. My DH does that. I got really upset on a milestone birthday because he refused to do my cake (was a plain chocolate one that I had wanted lots of chocolates tipped onto). I had to do it and put my candles on because he "would've got it wrong" - sub plot I am so much of a nightmare that he could never get it right so he doesn't bother at all.

Happy Birthday. I hope that your day picks up.

I wouldn't mind so much but he always loves the gifts he gets. He also gives lots of hints around his birthday and always gets what he wants and some suprises that he's shocked I picked because they're exactly what he wanted but had only mentioned once months ago. If he wasn't wanting me to bother with him, I'd have to get used to just not doing presents, but he gladly accepts his well thought out gifts and then just basically forgets mine. It's made worse by the fact that his birthday was only 3 weeks ago and he had lots of lovely presents, including some new clothes which he will be wearing on his night out with pals tomorrow.

He had a friends birthday 2 months ago and handmade part of it, which took hours because he knew it would make this friend smile and would personalise it. If only I got the same sort of attention and care. It shows he is capable of grand gestures, just not for me.

I am writing as a man here, I'm interested in this thread because I too am absolutely appallingly bad at buying presents. I have bought some thoughtful gifts which have been liked (e.g. a nice photo album filled with pictures from our previous year). However I've now run dry of thoughtful gift ideas and don't want to rehash old ones. And now I'm stuck.

My OH likes Mulberry handbags, but really I haven't got £1,000 to spend unfortunately, so I struggle then. As OP says, one time I did get some gift packs of bath stuff etc, I just didn't know what else to get. I was hauled over the coals for it (rightly really, I just thought and thought and couldn't think of anything).

Is there any help women can give advice on this to me please! I hope OP's DH is also in my situation - i.e. I want to do something really nice, just struggle with the how/what

tatbuyer think about what she likes - what perfume she wears on special occasions, things that she really enjoys doing, things that shes been excited about or talking a lot about lately (and if shes been saying how hard it is to stick to her new diet, dont get her chocolate!). If you really cant think of anything AT ALL then ask her, but this shouldnt be your "always first stop" default. Then buy exactly that thing, even if it isnt on sale. And wrap it nicely. And get a card.

Its really not an impossible mission.

It depends on your wife but I like things that remind me that he still finds my attractive. So feminine gifts. A nice top/dress but something flattering and it depends on body shape, but for me, something tailored so it shows of my best bits. When my husband buys things, he would basically buy a tent, which tells me that he hasn't noticed my small waist. I want him to see that I have a decent figure and buy something that would suit me and show me off. I like perfume but you would need to have an idea of what she likes already.

I like nail varnishes, jewellery, things to make my hair look nice. However I've had a number of years (after having kids) where I haven't bothered with clothes and make up as much so things I'm liking at the moment are all the things I've missed out for a while. I'm having to create a new wardrobe and stock of beauty things.

I'd love lingerie that shows he views me as being sexy still. And ideally a romantic night where he wants to see the lingerie on.

As a cheap gift, I'd enjoy a nice smelling body oil/lotion if it came with the promise of a night to ourselves and a full body massage. But it would be nicer if he initiated this and showed he actually wanted to do something nice for me/us, instead of being made to ask for every little scrap of affection.

I'd also be just as happy without gifts if my husband planned a special day for us and took the lead with everything. If he had booked a suprise day off work today and had plans of doing something special or taking me somewhere nice, that would have been lovely. A couples spa day would have been wonderful (never been and not likely to).

It's just nice to feel really special and for me, that can be achieved without presents, but for some men (my husband 100% included) they'd rather give presents than actually make an effort.

You have an ally - a pre-teen DD! Tell/show her what you like and get her to go to the shops with your DH. She can nag him and tell him to up his game on your behalf. Works well for my friend.

Perhaps he did think that the gifts were something she would like? I don't see why he would go out of his way to not get something off her list unless he genuinely thought he was making good choices. I am basing this on my own partners gift giving crappiness, he doesn't get me things I have strongly hinted or straight up asked for because he thinks him choosing will mean more and be more thoughtful and I might even prefer his choice . When in reality his gifts stink and I end up secretly returning them and getting what I originally wanted.

Op you're not being unreasonable at all

My dh is pretty shit at birthdays & Christmas but in his defence, he's not bothered about them himself so doesn't get why anyone else is

I'm still really hurt about a Christmas present & it was years ago now

We didn't have a lot of money at the time, I was on mat leave with young baby & we'd decided to do secret santa for extended family so we'd all get one decent present. Agreed on £50 & I could have cried when I opened mine to find £50 body shop gift set

Knew dh bought it as was wrapping paper I'd bought

I was so upset at the lack of thought & that he'd wasted £50 on that & I couldn't even say anything as it supposed to be secret

We just skipped presents after that - I couldn't trust him to get something I wanted & hated the thought of him wasting money on crap that I couldn't return