I cannot forgive him

[SelenaTheFox]

Hello All,

I feel gutted, but above all humiliated by my partner's words.

Just a little background, last night we hosted a dinner party in the garden with few friends and that went fine. This morning as I was tidying up - loading the dishwasher, I told him that the cabbage that he was given when he visited the allotment had gone off - the smell was awful. I threw most it if away in the garden when I returned back in the kitchen, my partner asked me rudely, "What's that smell?" I told him it was the cabbage.

He asked me again, "Are you sure?" I repeatedly told him that it was the cabbage, it was at this stage that he held my trousers and said, "Did you changed your clothes from last night?"

This really upset me, I showered twice a day, change my clothes daily and in fact, I had showered this morning and last night clothes were in the washing machine. I felt so embarrassed then really upset and then utter disappointment in someone that I felt knew me.

To make this even worst we were in the garden together this morning while I was having my coffee and later on, we sat close to each other on the sofa. I am so hurt and have been avoiding him and this may be the deal breaker. Because I refused to accept his apologies, he verbally abused me, then came back and apologised again and I am still not accepting this kind of behaviour.

Why do I feel so hurt?

Was he joking?

What? Really? I'd just laugh at him for that and say "I can't believe you said I smell like cabbage."
Honestly. Not a deal breaker.

Laura, no, he was not joking. Why would he grab my trousers to ask if I had changed my clothes from the night before? He refused my account that the smell was from the cabbage

Is there more to this?

If you shiwer twice a day you don't smell like rotten cabbage. C'mon now, there has to be more to it than this that has upset you. There is no way anyone that washes daily would stink of rotten vegetables.

But he apologised, twice.

Are you feeling a bit sensitive for any particular reason?

Seems a bit of an over reaction. I'd tell my husband to piss off if he wasn't joking and thinking nothing more of it!

To be honest he sounds really odd and pretty nasty if he seriously held your trousers (that you were wearing?), to demand if you had changed them from the previous night.

My DP would never accuse me of smelling like rotting cabbage.

And why was he looking for other things that smelled bad when you repteadly told him it was the cabbage?

Does he usually try and lay blame for things at your door?

Does he have form for making you feel awful?

I'm learning to cautious on these types of threads where something so seemingly innocuous leads to an overreaction on the face of it.

Usually turns out to be the tip of the iceberg.

Are you being a teeny bit sensitive here, do you think? It was a joke, not that funny, but just a joke all the same.

That's what I thought Joy (after posting my first comment).

There must be more to this.

Why are you showering twice a day?

"My DP would never accuse me of smelling like rotting cabbage."

Not sure why but this made me giggle!

Sorry OP, unless there is more to this I think you are being OTT.

I would probably just tell him he's a cheeky bastard and get on with my day. I think you'd have noticed on yourself if you smelt like bloody rotten cabbage. Sorry OP I can't see why you're seeing this as a deal breaker?

Did he mean maybe it was the smell from the night before?

As an isolated incident I don't think its a big deal but then I will quite often tell my DH he stinks. He does, I'm not being nasty. He comes in from a run and gets distracted and seems to have no sense of smell!

Before we had a bonfire and he went to the shops in the same clothes the next morning. Absolutely reeked. I don't think I'm verbally abusing him and would be horrified if he thought that.

Can you explain why you're so offended?

2little, it's such an odd thing to do tho isn't it?

Thank you for all your comments - yes, he is quick to lay blames without any evidence, which is the case most of the time. He does these kinds of things in order for the third party to hear and then always apologise. It's his weapons that he uses to belittle and embarrass me. There was a third party upstairs and I am sure that he heard it all.

I also appreciate comments that I may be overly sensitive or over-reacting, there is a subtle way of proving a point. The fact that he grabs my trousers and asked if I had changed it from the previous night, clearly indicates that he was not joking.

I was in the garden for at least 20 minutes with him, no smell, I was sitting on the sofa with him for another 20 minutes, no smell. The smell was only in the kitchen.

As for apologies, it's more like a demand that this matter is now closed, take it or leave it. I am meant to agree with him, when I refused to agree this time with him, he called me all names under the sun and use the word "F you" and "F off" at least 20 minutes, which followed by other verbal abuse. He verbally abused and shouted at me for others to hear, but I refused to take part in the verbal abuse.

Sounds like a joke to me. I think it depends on context.

If it was said with malice then it was harsh of him, if like it reads, it was off the cuff & jokey, I'd think you were creating your own drama & being hard work

Tell him to get out. Now.
He's clearly abusive and I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.