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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cannot forgive him

88 replies

SelenaTheFox · 06/07/2017 16:16

Hello All,

I feel gutted, but above all humiliated by my partner's words.

Just a little background, last night we hosted a dinner party in the garden with few friends and that went fine. This morning as I was tidying up - loading the dishwasher, I told him that the cabbage that he was given when he visited the allotment had gone off - the smell was awful. I threw most it if away in the garden when I returned back in the kitchen, my partner asked me rudely, "What's that smell?" I told him it was the cabbage.

He asked me again, "Are you sure?" I repeatedly told him that it was the cabbage, it was at this stage that he held my trousers and said, "Did you changed your clothes from last night?"

This really upset me, I showered twice a day, change my clothes daily and in fact, I had showered this morning and last night clothes were in the washing machine. I felt so embarrassed then really upset and then utter disappointment in someone that I felt knew me.

To make this even worst we were in the garden together this morning while I was having my coffee and later on, we sat close to each other on the sofa. I am so hurt and have been avoiding him and this may be the deal breaker. Because I refused to accept his apologies, he verbally abused me, then came back and apologised again and I am still not accepting this kind of behaviour.

Why do I feel so hurt?

OP posts:
Laura1206 · 06/07/2017 17:18

Oh gosh, he sounds horrible then. Leave him. What a horrible man.

PrivatePike · 06/07/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SelenaTheFox · 06/07/2017 17:19

He is finding ways to control me, little mean comments here and there - some nasty words thrown in for third parties to hear. Some comments about my weight, this and that. It's all his ways for me to question my own sanity and myself.

I used to be so confident with high self-esteem - the comments and accusations without any evidence have started to get to me.

OP posts:
Laura1206 · 06/07/2017 17:21

Does he back down when you stick up for yourself? What do these third parties say?

Original poster
SelenaTheFox · 06/07/2017 17:26

He does not back down, it's his way or the highway. It's too embarrassing for third parties to even comment or get involved. I have rejoined the gym, I need to work on myself mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I am drained.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 06/07/2017 17:29

Why are you with him Op? He sounds vile.

NC4now · 06/07/2017 17:35

Selena, I'm sorry. Having read your updates it sounds like a really unpleasant situation you are in. That didn't really come across in your OP, so I apologise for my first comment seeming insensitive.

What are your options? You said you feel this could be the end.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 06/07/2017 17:37

There's a reason why you think this is a deal breaker. Go with your instincts. He's vile.

WombOfOnesOwn · 06/07/2017 17:40

Wow. He didn't just insult you, he did it so he'd seem like a big man to some third party. Leave him. Today, if possible.

liviadrusilla · 06/07/2017 17:45

Gosh, this is really nasty - he's trying to humiliate you (in front of others, not that it would be ok if it was just you) because... you let him know his cabbage had gone off? He's horrible.

Laura1206 · 06/07/2017 17:47

I'm sorry for my comments - I didn't realise there was more to it. Is there someone you can talk to? Women's aid? He doesn't sound like a very nice man. I hope you have the strength to leave him

category12 · 06/07/2017 17:49

What would do your mental health the world of good is getting shot of him.

Branleuse · 06/07/2017 17:53

what a bizarre relationship it sounds like you have

NellieFiveBellies · 06/07/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MickeyRooney · 06/07/2017 18:02

So do not forgive him, OP.
This is who he is and this is the best you will get from him.

Sling him out on his ear and never look back.
Man alive - what a prick he is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 18:51

The cabbage thing is not the issue. The issue is belittling, swearing, bullying and abusing you.

There is no solution to this except for not being with him.

Vanillaisboring666 · 06/07/2017 19:43

Think you are over reacting . It was just a silly comment .

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2017 20:05

RTFT @Vanillaisboring666

he called me all names under the sun and use the word "F you" and "F off" at least 20 minutes, which followed by other verbal abuse.

Joysmum · 06/07/2017 22:37

I thought that might be the case Selena

You know yourself that his behaviour is controlling and to knock you down.

I think you've posted on here realizing that and looking for your thoughts and feelings to be recognized and validated.

It's ok, you're absolutely right to feel the way you do. You've mentioned self improvement but you must realise that your attempts to improve yourself will be met be greater and greater actions by him to tear you down and rip apart your self esteem.

You've mentioned ways you can work on yourself but surely you know the biggest improvement you can make umis to separate yourself from someone who not only doesn't bring out the best in you but also seeks to destroy you. The answer isn't to fight harder, it's to get rid. I hope you find the strength, until then you can use mumsnet to vent. Flowers

Geordie5000 · 06/07/2017 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Geordie5000 · 06/07/2017 22:50

Sorry for the above, I've asked it to be deleted as it was supposed to be a new thread

OrlandaFuriosa · 07/07/2017 01:06

I'm sorry if I misread the situation.

I think you need to decide deep down if he is a nice or nasty person, on balance. If the former, does he understand what he's doing and is he prepared to change his actions and reactions so you are not undermined? If not, well, I'd be on my way. If the latter I'd be on my way too.

Good luck.

Original poster
SelenaTheFox · 07/07/2017 01:35

Thank you for all the comments, really appreciate it!

This was the deal breaker for me, I cannot see myself getting intimate with a person who thinks so low of me. Early in the relationship he accused me of giving him std, but it turned out to be allergy to the condom. Self respect gives me no choice but to leave the man. He tried again to apologised, but it's not the apologies that I am looking for at this stage. I want to move on with my life without a man who uses nasty words to degrade me at will. I don't have any love left for him, he is not adding any value to my life. He has managed to drained the life and energy out of my life.

Sometimes, I think that he has mental health issues that he is trying to avoid, he blames everyone but himself, he throws temper tantrums like a child and shouts to get the attention of others when he does not get his way. I cannot see him changing. It's me who have to change by getting rid of him from my life.

My gym sessions starts this morning and I am ready for a single life without drama

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/07/2017 02:37

Well done.
Really glad to hear you are taking back control of you and your life.
Enjoy your gym session.

SandyY2K · 07/07/2017 02:46

You sound like a lovely person and he sounds damn awful.

No excuse for a 20 minute swearing rant. My husband has never sworn at me in over 20 years together....it's just not acceptable to me.

You'll be fine without him and his bullying ways.

Well done for reaching the point of realisation.