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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I always always on the outside of friendship groups?

63 replies

DefinitelyMolly · 05/07/2017 22:28

I feel like people like me, but I'm never liked quite enough to be a central, pivotal part of the group. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a group of 3 close friends at school; one friend got married a few years ago and asked the others to be bridesmaids but not me. Instead of me she had a work colleague that she hadn't known for long at the time.

I am part of a group of friends and several of us have had a big birthday this year. All of the others got collections done for them, gushing FB posts, cards etc. I got a couple of birthday texts from them and nothing else.

In my workplace I never get invited to anything but everyone else does, even newcomers. When anyone had a birthday they get a cake and cards from the office. Except me. I get nothing.

The mums at my DS's school all are nice to me and seem to like me but they're all just that little bit extra friendlier to each other than to me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've tried making an effort, not caring, caring, trying to make individual friends but everyone always has people they like a lot more than they like me!

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 05/07/2017 22:33

I have no answers but know how you feel as if us exactly the same for me Sad

SugarMiceInTheRain · 05/07/2017 22:33

it is

SnowiestMountain · 05/07/2017 22:38

When you say you've tried making an effort, what do you do? Do you organise anything? Instigate meet ups etc? People who seem to be at the 'centre' of groups etc are quite often the organisers of things...

Sounbelievablydull · 05/07/2017 22:43

Snap- it's so upsetting
I took two women's children to school for two years- I occasionally bump into them and they are v nice but clearly I am of no interest now my duties are over.
I think there's no answer tbh I try and focus on what I've got_very few if any friends- but wonderful husband and children

fannyanddick · 05/07/2017 23:25

I feel a bit like this at work. Everyone seems to be best mates practically, and I feel really on the outside even though I've been there ages.

I do have lots of good friends that I made through sport. I think perhaps I have a certain awkwardness or oddness on first meeting people but a spending time together through a shared interest really overcomes that. It's not all about your sparkling wit and dress sense immediately iykwim. People get to know you more organically.

Have you ever read How to win friends and influence people? It has some interesting nuggets.

MyNewKitchen · 05/07/2017 23:29

OP I could have written this exact post! I find it so upsetting as i will do anything for anyone! Have taken a step back now. Although it blummin hurts to see fb posts to things never invited too! Stay strong.. you have us lot!

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/07/2017 23:36

Snap thought I had a really good friend that I met at toddler group. Fast forward 10 years where we see each other for coffee every fucking week and I didn't get an invite to her daughters communion. Wtf?? Even helped her stuff her table favours. Wtf is that about?

Original poster
DefinitelyMolly · 06/07/2017 16:42

Patricia, that is exactly the sort of thing that happens to me! I had a friends dog for a while week (at her request) whilst she went on holiday. I provided dog food as she 'forgot' to bring it. She bought mutual friends gifts back from her holiday but nothing for me! Not even a thanks!

OP posts:
Stressmess · 06/07/2017 17:08

Molly.I read your post and thought I could have written a lot of what you said. It is something that I have been thinking a lot about recently.
When I was younger I was in a friendship with a group of 4 other girls who went to school together and lived in the same area. I always, always felt that I was like a spare wheel in the group. The others seemed to have close friendships with one or two others within the group but I didn't. I always felt even though I was there that things happened and were talked about that I wasn't involved in.
I asked the one I felt closet too, to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. The favour wasn't reciprocated. She asked two of the others to be bridesmaids including one who didn't even want to do it and did nothing but moan and complain about everything. The same "friend" upon getting pregnant on both occasions didn't even let me know, I found out on the grapevine quite far down the line. I am not confrontational and wouldn't say anything but was so hurt by her actions.
I have got a great dh and two great children. I have what I would call aquantices, people I would talk to and make a bit of conversation with but there doesn't seem to be any depth to it or it doesn't go anywhere.
I have felt quite jealous of my dh this week as on several days he has been out meeting friends for coffee. I don't have anyone that I could do this with.
So you are not alone. How others make lots of friends I don't know. I try to be friendly and join in with things so am at a loss too as to what I am doing wrong.

Yoksha · 06/07/2017 18:55

I have spent my lifesaving with the same situations. I've never !et people walk over me, but I've always tried to sort it out.

I'm 60 now, and I don't give a flying fuck 😎

Yoksha · 06/07/2017 18:56
  • life having. I need to have a word with myself
CarrieBradshaw85 · 06/07/2017 19:35

could have written this post too. I have no friends and am dreadfully lonely when my boyfriend isn't around.

twinpeak · 06/07/2017 21:48

This is how I feel too sometimes. I often wonder if people think I just won't want to go or be involved.

Who knows. I have friends but I know I am not the first port of call for any get together s or party's. A close friend had a party once for her birthday and didn't think to invite me. Another friend was talking about booking tickets for something and I said I'd love to do that too - she then booked tickets for her and a couple of others but not me.

My OH is my bestest friend in the world so that is okay Grin

228agreenend · 06/07/2017 21:57

I feel like this also.

We have a work,do this weekend. Everyone is pairing up with lifts etc. No-one has approached me.

Sometimes some of my work colleagues go,out for a meal. I'm never invited.

I'm not very good at initiating things. In the past I've held chocoholics Neal's yard/pampered chef parties, and only had a few turn up.

When reason I'm not good at initiating things is because rejection. It's happened once too often.

At weekend, people seem to be going to barbecues, parties etc. Not me.

My son's sports coach once mentioned I seemed to know everyone. I feel I have a lot of aquantices, but not many friends.

isitjustme2017 · 06/07/2017 22:15

Sorry you feel like this OP. Maybe you just have the wrong group of mates? Have you tried meetup.com to try and meet new people. I've joined a couple of groups and intend to go to an event soon.
I do have some amazing friends but most of them don't live near me anymore and now I'm recently single, I'd like to widen my social circle.
Could you possibly just come across as a walkover/too soft? You sound lovely but some people may take advantage of your good nature.
If its any consolation, there are some lovely people out there who made make lovely friends. These people don't really sound worthy of you to be honest.

Original poster
DefinitelyMolly · 07/07/2017 20:38

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I am feeling even more shit today as two friends that were my friends but decided to both cut me off and be best of friends together have been rubbing it all in my face.

228agreenend, I am the same too; if I organise anything no one wants to come anyway and no one bothers to turn up so I've kind of given up really and only go to things I'm invited to, which I'm presumably only invited to to make up the numbers anyway....

OP posts:
Hairgician · 07/07/2017 21:59

Oh god yes I feel like that too!! Always feel like a spare wheel.
I moved to this area 4 years ago and aside from dp I've no real close friends. I get on with girls in salon and I know people to stop and chat with but never out for coffee or drinks with anyone. Lonely feeling at times.

Original poster
DefinitelyMolly · 07/07/2017 22:01

Spare wheel describes it exactly! I think I'm just seen as a vessel that's there for whenever it convenient.

Yesterday I did a facebook status and two of my friends started having a conversation on it, that had nothing at all to do with my status and wasn't including me in any way, shape or form. Just a conversation about their social life!

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 07/07/2017 22:10

I felt that way when I was younger ,it genuinely bothered me and I felt like people used me a lot. As I've aged I've realised I don't care anymore though. I've never been massively comfortable in groups or cliques and now I actively avoid those kind of situations. I sit alone on my lunch break often and when I do socialize I do so with everyone , I like all of my colleagues but am laid back and do not really expect friendship from any of them.

I'd say if you feel people keep you on the edge of their group then stop making such an effort with them. There are many people in the world OP and some of them are just shits.

misty252 · 07/07/2017 22:42

I can totally relate to this- always on the periphery. You're not alone OP!

Particular lows include:

Not managing to stay in touch with ANYONE from university (was about 15 years ago but everyone else I know seems to have a big group of "girls" they still meet up with).

Turning up to a party at about age 16 and someone saying "what are you doing here?"

Turning up to parties and thinking someone was going to talk to me but actually they're just asking for someone else's whereabouts.

Finding out that there is a secret whatsapp group in the nct group that I'm not part of.

I could go on! It used to bother me more than it does now. I'm quiet and not great at instigating things to be honest so that probably has a bearing.

Want2beme · 07/07/2017 23:13

I think some are just peripheral people. I'm one of them. I can't explain why, but it's just my role in life. I've been overlooked many times by friends I've had in the past. I also have that condition where people don't remember me, even though I'll have met them before. Some pretty nasty things have happened to you all. A counsellor I was seeing said that there are people who choose not to be seen or noticed and it works well. I'm not explaining it very well, but maybe someone who knows about such things can shed some light. Maybe I give off a vibe of not really wanting to be a part of things? Now that I'm older, I realise that things won't change, so I've become more accepting of the way things are.

wizzywig · 07/07/2017 23:18

Im the same. I literally have no friends. Im ok in my own company. I could never say that in real life though. I know loads of people but id never be the kind of person people would think to invite anywhere

ShelaghTurner · 07/07/2017 23:29

Totally understand. I am an anti social creature but have made huge efforts at the school gates and have made some great friends, we go out for coffee often and I'm always included and made a fuss of at birthdays etc, absolutely no complaints. We have a good laugh. But one of them will mention an issue or an activity that they clearly all know about and I'm left thinking what? It's clear that I'm not quite inner circle, if that makes sense. Also, despite really putting myself out there I'm frequently on my own in the playground and although others will say hi and smile as they pass, no one really wants to stop and talk to me. It's very disheartening and I find it all exhausting.

Beelzebop · 07/07/2017 23:39

Me too. Every day mums are really friendly, but then I see all the meet ups and what's app groups going on and I realise that if I died tomorrow the village wouldn't even notice.

Beelzebop · 07/07/2017 23:39

Me too. Every day mums are really friendly, but then I see all the meet ups and what's app groups going on and I realise that if I died tomorrow the village wouldn't even notice.