Why am I always always on the outside of friendship groups?

[DefinitelyMolly]

I feel like people like me, but I'm never liked quite enough to be a central, pivotal part of the group. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a group of 3 close friends at school; one friend got married a few years ago and asked the others to be bridesmaids but not me. Instead of me she had a work colleague that she hadn't known for long at the time.

I am part of a group of friends and several of us have had a big birthday this year. All of the others got collections done for them, gushing FB posts, cards etc. I got a couple of birthday texts from them and nothing else.

In my workplace I never get invited to anything but everyone else does, even newcomers. When anyone had a birthday they get a cake and cards from the office. Except me. I get nothing.

The mums at my DS's school all are nice to me and seem to like me but they're all just that little bit extra friendlier to each other than to me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've tried making an effort, not caring, caring, trying to make individual friends but everyone always has people they like a lot more than they like me!

This thread has really made me think about the different mindsets people inhabit!

Some things I have thought whilst reading this thread include;

Perhaps labelling people as "popular" or "extrovert" and then deciding they have none of the the wonderful attributes you have is one of the reasons they don't call you?

I suppose some reasons someone might not call someone to ask them to do stuff might be:

1. They make them feel uncomfortable by being negative
2. They don't reciprocate the effort So eventually they give up.
3. They don't feel liked by someone (hardly surprising with all this simmering resentment going on in the background of their social ease)
4. Life can be stressful enough (yes even for the seemingly happy "popular" types) so why would someone consistently put themselves out to include someone who makes them feel like they are superior to them? Or they resent them? Or they just don't seem to like them?

Here are some suggestions for how to get out there:

1. Join a class doing something you like and you may find a more organic reason to click with someone (I.e. Not just because you have kids /work together)
2. Try to look at people as individuals and loose the labels. Try to find the thing you like about everyone and focus on that.
3. Be positive - yes it's nice to share with friends when things don't go well, but if someone is a naturally positive person, then hearing someone else constantly criticise/ moan about stuff brings you down!
4. Make some effort. Call someone up and suggest you do something - don't wait around for other people to organise stufffir you - you are not a child. If the other person is busy then please don't make them feel bad - making someone feel guilty for not wanting to do something you suggest is not endearing.
5. Lighten up!

tutns and runs away from the thread

(Sorry that should read turns)

SloeGin - what the fuck? Are you actually reading this thread? It isn't full of people berating those nasty popular people. More a gathering of those who feel sad about having few or no friends.

What makes you think we are simmering with resentment and bitterness? I'm not! I'm not negative and labelling horrid popular people in a PA jealous way.

You are being really nasty. There are so very upset people on this thread and you're telling them it must be because they are so unpleasant to hang around with. Read the comments. Most of them are saying they do make an effort and invite people round.

And your comment "lighten up"???

Yours is a bitchy and unnecessary post. Just slagging off everyone who posted looking for support.

I think a PP (bottom of page 2, sorry am on phone!) has it right - people don't actually want to be friends with people who are kind, helpful, loyal. They are nice attributes, but they are secondary.
People actually like hanging out with people who are fun. I am not what you'd describe as fun really. It's taken me years to figure out that being clever isn't what someone looks for in a friend. If anything people shy away from those who are, as said above, intuitive. I thought being observant was a positive- was only when I met someone who reminded me of me - that I realised "eeek, it's actually a bit weird being observed and judged".

Ghost that is really interesting. I think I make people a bit uneasy sometimes. Maybe that is why.

Although I do now work hard at disingaging my tendency to pull back and observe and actually make a much bigger effort to let down my barriers and appear friendly and sociable. If it is a group I like or I need to be involved with I make that effort now.

It helps but takes lots of effort.

If I ever try to arrange anything, whether it's a night out, a coffee, a walk, trip to cinema, no one is ever keen. They will then post on FB the next week about a fantastic night out doing the exact same thing with another friend!

hello
I read this thread with interest after googling 'feeling on the outside of groups' .. it was the first thing that came up!
It was interesting and heartening to read that others feel this way, not that I'd wish it on people.
The past year I have felt keenly like an outsider, and looking back through my life see it has been quite a theme. It's mainly about groups but as I get older (I'm just into my 40s) it feels like even my one-on-one friends are not as solid as I'd like. Perhaps because I'm looking for it, perhaps because my life has changed significantly in a short period of time (partner, house and renovations, two children in less than two years!).
Anyway ... it's 18 months since this thread was written and I wondered if anyone had felt any change or progress since? I've committed myself to exploring the issue this year and if not improving things then changing my feelings about them at least, and making peace with myself!
I'd love to hear any further thoughts

Was quite interesting to revisit this again when I got a prompt to look at it.
Over the past two weeks I have met up with several people I have intermittent contact with.
The fact is that I am dull, they are very nice people who talk a lot about themselves, their families etc, all of which I really enjoy hearing but I don't seem to have anything to say in reply!
They ask how my husband children are and I reply but I can't bring myself to go into loads of details as I really think this would be mind numbing lay boring for them.
I find myself just asking them questions which must be for them like I'm interviewing them. But I honestly can't think of ways to keep a conversation going.
I'm better if there's more than one person but I probably wouldn't want to hang about with me!,,
No help I know just an observation.

I have found this thread and this one

• www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2338800-Does-anyone-else-feel-like-they-are-always-on-the-periphery-of-friendship-groups - so reassuring. I always thought I was the only person who felt like this. I'm better in one to one situations, but at the present time I don't have a single friend I live near to. People I know, but not friends. No one who really knows me, apart from my family. I'm not chatty, and I think that's part of the problem. And after a while, I lose the knack of conversation and feel even more awkward and tongue-tied. What with my daughters growing up and not needing me so much (not complaining - it's as it should be), and January seeming really dark and long this year, I'm feeling lonelier than usual. It doesn't help when unkind comments from the past keep resurfacing in my head - "No wonder you haven't got any friends" (sister), "You've got friends??!!" - acquaintance who'd been pleasant up to then. Thank you all for sharing so openly. Maybe we should form a peripheral persons' friendship group!

It hurts doesn't it.

Oh op I'll be your friend. You sound lovely, you have had rotten luck with so called 'friends', they sound awful😥😥😥

@foreverdusty Ive often found that Ive tended to "interview" people in conversation. Took me a while to realise that was because they were the types that prefer to talk about themselves than show interest in anyone elses lives! Im a good listener so have to make a conscious effort to avoid being absorbed into people like this, who quite frankly, are often boring
Im also very private and can't be bothered with too much small talk, so no new friendships at this point in my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I'm simply not interested in anyone else's business. Dont know if its just the area I live in, but I feel like I'm surrounded by people who thrive on gossip/negativity.