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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I always always on the outside of friendship groups?

63 replies

DefinitelyMolly · 05/07/2017 22:28

I feel like people like me, but I'm never liked quite enough to be a central, pivotal part of the group. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a group of 3 close friends at school; one friend got married a few years ago and asked the others to be bridesmaids but not me. Instead of me she had a work colleague that she hadn't known for long at the time.

I am part of a group of friends and several of us have had a big birthday this year. All of the others got collections done for them, gushing FB posts, cards etc. I got a couple of birthday texts from them and nothing else.

In my workplace I never get invited to anything but everyone else does, even newcomers. When anyone had a birthday they get a cake and cards from the office. Except me. I get nothing.

The mums at my DS's school all are nice to me and seem to like me but they're all just that little bit extra friendlier to each other than to me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've tried making an effort, not caring, caring, trying to make individual friends but everyone always has people they like a lot more than they like me!

OP posts:
ilovetea14 · 08/07/2017 01:30

I'm the same. Have no friends I'm a sahm I say hi to people at the school that's it. I had one mother that I would have coffee with and play dates with but haven't heard from her in ages. She has made new mammy friends I've txt and asked to meet up but nothing comes of it so I've stopped asking her. I've never really had many friends I can make friends but can't keep them for whatever reason!! I remember my sister saying about her friend made a new friend and it was strange and sad that at her age 30 something she had no friends I felt like crying cuz that's me in a nutshell. I have a fantastic dh and 2 wonderful children so I guess I'm lucky that way! I do get very down about it and wonder why no one likes me.

isitjustme2017 · 08/07/2017 09:33

ShelaghTurner - one reason for this might be that some of the mum's just can't be bothered talking in the mornings. I have to admit, I'm one of these. I take my son into the playground and don't even look for anyone to talk to, its as quick as I can get in and away to work.
Some mum's are odd though. One from my school has a DD in my DS' class and I used to take her to loads of things, she came to my house for tea several times but now she never stands and talks to me - all I get is a hello in passing. I'm not arsed though.

FatGirlWithChocolate · 08/07/2017 09:54

I know exactly what you mean. I think that I am one of those people that other people don't even notice exists. I wonder what is so very wrong with me.

paddypants13 · 08/07/2017 09:55

I often feel like this too. For years I was always the odd one out in every situation.

Now it's not as bad and I think that stems from me having married and had children. Before I was always the single one.

I wouldn't do any favours again for someone who didn't even say thank you.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say it's not just you.

JustAMusing · 08/07/2017 19:00

Yes, I'm the same. I have AS so I accept that some of the difficult I have is down to that. But I still hate it. I feel like I'm missing something all the time. Not missing out on something, but missing something as in getting something wrong.

I didn't have any friends at all until about 5 years ago though, so I'm doing better than I was!

SloeGinRocks · 08/07/2017 19:26

Oh this thread is making me feel sad. All the lonely people.

I don't really have trouble making friends....Am just thinking about all the people I meet in a day to day basis and why I would invite them to stuff and why I might not...or vice versa.

I suppose i would say that some people just don't seem like they'd be up for socialising. Or they seem like they would be hard work. Yes I am chatty, but it's a lot easier to become friends with someone who chats back, who you feel you naturally click with.

I also don't give a crap, honestly, if I don't get invited to something. I know there are some people who
feel mortally offended if they don't get invited to something and that seems really childish to me and makes me want to avoid them.

Not trying to say any of you do that just that that is why I might make an effort with someone and not with someone else.

Also I would tend to avoid making play dates with someone who has violent kids I suppose.

The thing is you don't need to be best mates with everyone do you? You just need to find your kinda people.

I guess if you live in a tiny place there is less choice. I live in a big city so loads of different types here.

Sorry for long post, was not trying to be patronising just really pondering the issue.

Hope you find friendship all those who are out there looking for it Flowers.

Teaformeplease · 08/07/2017 19:52

I feel like this too. I've only made friends since having my DD but we have drifted a bit as work patterns have changed and they are generally less available for after school things. I don't suggest weekend play dates as I don't want to encroach on their family time. I'm a single parent so it's just the two of us most of the time out of work/school. Family live nearby but we're not close so they may as well be on the other side of the world. I love my DD so much, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me but I do wish there was more adult company. The school holidays seem very long at times as regular activities stop.
Maybe we should all get together for a cuppa!

SloeGinRocks · 08/07/2017 20:29

Suggest weekend things teaformeplesse! they can always decline.

I have a few single parent friends my DH and I hang out with loads. Don't decide for your friends that they don't want to see you. Give them a chance.

Flowers
Teaformeplease · 08/07/2017 21:19

Sloegin I have rejection issues so it's hard to suggest things in case people say no! I usually think if they wanted me around they'd ask. Other people always seem to have a lot more going on in their lives than me and my DD.

GhostCurry · 08/07/2017 21:42

tea I do think there is room for coupled-up parents to do things on weekends. For example, if a friend ask she me to do something on a Saturday, I will do so (kids in tow) to give my partner a child free fee hours in the house to decompress. He does the same for me.
So you could frame it like that (in your own head, if not to your invitee!)

SloeGinRocks · 08/07/2017 21:44

Really though what's the worst that could happen? You ask them if they want to hang out one day & they say they are busy? It doesn't mean they hate you it just means they're busy.
Sure people have lots to do - that's why they can't all be second guessing what their mates might think they think.
Don't mean to sound unsympathetic but life is just too short isn't it? If you are friends with someone and want to see them then suggest a plan. It may happen it may not. At least you will have let them know you'd like to see them. They may be more confident than you but they are not psychic.
You can't always put the responsibility for meeting up with a friend onto them. It has to be a two way thing to feel natural for both people.
Well that's just my opinion anyway.
I hope you don't mind me sharing it.

Inadither · 08/07/2017 21:49

Ditto. I am friendly with lots of people and think I'm liked but as you say, never pivotal to plans and if I try to organise things, people don't seem that interested. At work, it's the same.

Teaformeplease · 08/07/2017 22:25

Sloegin I can see what you mean it's just hard to put into practice because I have to work myself up to doing it. It is something I'm working on. I do envy those people who are make friends easily and have a lot more options and opportunities available. It's natural for some and hard work for others.

Sounbelievablydull · 08/07/2017 23:26

I was really hoping that some some light would ve shed on what makes some people so appealing and others not so much.
I am really not "chatty' at all so maybe that's the root of the problem
I always feel so acutely aware that people don't want to hear the minute of my life yet the popular people seem to feel that everyone is fascinated by their day to day existence.
I must say in my playground years I'd position. Myself with the popular people so my lack of anything to say was less obvious
There's clearly some thing that some people have and others don't
What that thing is I really can't work out

Pebbles1989 · 08/07/2017 23:57

I can relate. What we've started doing at work (almost by accident) is inviting EVERYONE in a team - no exceptions. It's rare that I go out for lunch or drinks with just one or two other people. It's fun and inclusive, and I like to think it helps people who feel this way.

mermaidsandunicorns · 09/07/2017 00:01

I am this person too xx
It used to upset me a lot but I have one very close friend who I talk to. I find I am happier on my own tho especially as I've got older the need for a huge group of friends depleted. Where I work there are two work cliques who are always talking about when they're all meeting up next. I'm not part of either and it also means I'm involved in one of the drama when it happens xx

ferando81 · 09/07/2017 00:39

I think some people give off a vibe.People sense that they are intelligent and intuitive and are afraid of being outed as immature,insensitive or selfish - they are scared to engage -that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

donajimena · 09/07/2017 00:51

I've found my people. According to good old facebook I have nigh on 500 friends. But I've no one I can ring in an emergency and I can't remember the last time someone said 'Dona, would you like to go to lunch/dinner' etc etc.
I've been out tonight and had a great time but I had to ask a girl (who is lovely) would she swing by and pick me up? (Because its a remote location and I don't drive)
If I hadn't made the call I wouldn't have been missed

soapboxqueen · 09/07/2017 01:29

I'm in the same boat too. I have acquaintances or people I chat with. Not real friends. I'm not shy. I'll chat with anyone but I'm never asked to go anywhere. If I do it's because I organised it.

I remember once at work, one colleague came in to talk to another about a group going out together (only about 10 staff in total). They were talking about another colleague complaining that they were left out. I pointed out that I was never asked either. Colleague just sort of half laughed and carried on her conversation with this look like it was a ridiculous statement for me to make because it was obvious why I wasn't asked.

yourerubberimglue · 09/07/2017 02:02

Are you quite introverted? E.g., takes you a while to properly be yourself and feel comfortable with people?
Often introverts are sidelined as that first impression isn't what extroverts often have - the big omg connection, we were meant to be best friends connection.
Sad but there is an extrovert bias in many people.

mylaptopismylapdog · 09/07/2017 03:26

I've felt like this but now I have some old friends who are not all connected but I value and confide in and think this is reciprocated My family was predominantly female growing up and not easy so I think I have been wary of groups of women.

wasasodnowaceleb · 09/07/2017 03:28

I'm the same. I am always peripheral. No one remembers my birthday even though I remember cards/flowers for them.

On the rare occasion I get invited out - twice in about 6 years, it is last minute.

I have two kids, one of who is autistic. He goes to mainstream but he is really hard work. I feel wrung out all the time. I can't get a babysitter because he is such high maintenance. Just as well I don't get asked out then.

Sadly my DH is my marvellous bff. It is shit. I help others when I can, I am thoughtful. I text but hardly ever get texts back. I think it is me. I must hve a strange vibe. I just want a friend who bothers about me.

wasasodnowaceleb · 09/07/2017 03:35

Doh! - Sadly my DH ISN'T my marvellous bff.

I have noticed that when there is an alpha female I will always make them on edge. I don't know why, it is just something I have noticed. They are wary of me.

I wonder if I am alpha myself and we clash. Don't think so though as I am introverted.

Howlongtilldinner · 09/07/2017 04:13

I also feel on the periphery of everything. I have a few friends, but they are all separate, and I don't mix them together. I always feel on the outside of large groups. I think I'm kind/sincer/loyal/friendly, but I don't think they are the qualities a lot people want. I've never found 'popular' people are any of those things.
My friends are all of those things, but I'm only ever one to one with them.
I'm in my fifties now, whenever I'm in 'new' company I always feel the outsider, I doubt this will ever change so have accepted it is me.

YellowMeeple · 09/07/2017 09:01

My sister is one of those people who is always at the centre of things- I am not. What I do see is the huge amount of effort that she puts into it/ it doesn't just happen. She will go out of her way to speak to new people, ask them loads of questions about their families and interests, note down the important things, as well as the little details and then follow up. She'll fit seeing people into implausibly small gaps in her weekend that leaves me exhausted just thinking about it. She will often instigate those meetings. Guess what, outcome is that she has a huge circle of friends that she can call on. From the outside it probably looks easy, but it isn't without effort at all. In my experience that isn't uncommon with lots of 'popular' people.

I was always quite shy, but have had to work on that professionally and what I have realised is that most of us have the same inner voices and anxieties around social acceptance but people gravitate towards people who shout down those inner voices and get stuck in. I still find it exhausting though, which I why I admire my sister's efforts from a distance!