Why can't I walk away?

[numbandlost]

So he cheated not a one night stand but a full blown affair, I don't feel he respects me, he doesn't make me happy right now, he doesn't bring much to my life and since joining mumsnet I've realised he is also emotionally abusive.
I've invested in the book a lot of you talk about, why does he do that and hoping that will help.
My real dilemma is why can't I walk away? I feel like I might be staying out of fear he will move on and magically be in an amazing relationship and have completely changed or worse he will go back to the other woman and that I am going to be stuck here unable to move on raising our kids alone and be unhappy forever!
Someone please talk some sense to me??

I feel like you have written about my life. I too wish I had the strength to just end it. But also be able to do it without a care for his feelings & with his nonchalance about life.
I hope that one day you will find some way to improve your situation & let me know the secret when you do.
The advice I've received is to try & start up interests & create a life for just you with new/old friends. Is this something you could do?
I did this but this was the catalyst for him cheating & as a result has left me even more vulnerable.
Sorry I can't offer much advice but I really do empathize with you & are sending you big hugs x

Thanks so much fiddlesticks.
I don't want to say too much and out myself but I've pushed myself to do some big things that will change my life over the next year or so and I'm hoping they will give me the confidence to move on!
There's always something to stop me like I can't do it now because it's nearly out holiday or someone's birthday or Christmas. There's always an excuse. Guess I'm just hoping he will change.
So sorry you are going through it too it's not a nice way to live your life!

Face your fears. He may well be happier with some other woman. But that also means you are free to be equally happy with someone else.

Instead you are deeply unhappy incase he ends up happy without you?

You can't live in misery, be strong and be wise

Thank you quite likely I know you are so right.
I feel scared that I wouldn't find anyone else or if I did what if he turned out just the same.
So many of the women in my life are single mums and the ones that aren't seem miserable in their relationships.
Surely there are good, loving, decent men out there.

Or he can stay with you and you can still be unhappy forever?
He won't change and whatever relationship he has will be Shite too.
When you step away you will realise how crappy it was.

People rarely change if he's abusive to you he will be exactly the same with someone else.

Honestly it's not worth exposing your kids to such a loser.

If you must; stay with him whilst you sort out a job or retrain for another one in an area that you love. Use him to your own benefit then get rid - I would

Yeah that's what I keep trying to tell myself it's all him I aren't the reason he's a cheat and a bully he is and I need to get it into my head he would be the same with anyone else.
That's exactly what I'm doing quitelikely trying to focus on me and get my life on track.

Being a single mum is much better than being in a shit relationship wasting your life with someone you don't love or is abusive. Got that t shirt. Not a day goes past in the last 6 years I don't appreciate my independence and never ever did I have a regret about leaving.

Your life is waiting for you.

That's what I worry about I don't want to walk away and regret it.
I barely slept last night I'd wound myself up too much. Just laid there realising I'm wasting my life on someone who treats me appallingly and expects me just to take it and get on with it. At the moment I am still young enough to start again.
Need to start getting things lined up.

Feeling really insecure and tearful today. I just want to be loved and feel secure and I don't think that should be too much to ask.
Can't talk to anyone in real life because I know they'll just tell me to walk and it doesn't feel as easy as that.

Every day you stay is a day you aren't in a better place physically and emotionally. .
You deserve more - believe in yourself more. .

Leave. What is the worst case scenario for you - that he seems happy with someone else ?- so what? you know the real horrible him. He will not make you happy. Write down all the crap he has pulled so that you can read it to remind yourself what he is like when you feel weak

You are still grieving for what you thought you had.

You didn't cause him to become a bully and he will be the same with others. He won't change - you are on the road to misery if you believe he can.

He's not worth your tears

Why do you have to replace one man with another, what's wrong with being single for a while OP, this man is not good for you, you already know this but only you can change that, by leaving, now.

In terms of the logistics of leaving where do you actually begin?
Live together until your house sells?
Then where do you go with kids in tow? I am finally starting to see why my husband wants to stay for the kids.
If I end it, it's dragging my kids to a poorer quality of life financially & geographically.
I'm considering staying & withdrawing emotionally from the marriage. It appears that's what he has done so why shouldn't I? Obviously that's easier said than done but the first step is already there in realising that you are being abused.
I found this article interesting.
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3033951
Sending you hugs xxx

it doesn't feel as easy as that
I might not FEEL it but it should be easy enough to walk away.
You need some things in place before you leave.
Focus on that.

Understand what you are entitled to on separation.
CBA can help you with that.
Also what maintenance you would get etc....
Once you know that you can make steps to get away.

You either go and make a happy life for yourself with your kids, women are doing it every day, not saying it is easy, or you stay, be abused and let your kids heads be fucked up also. Easy choice really.

If you want to set your kids a good example of a happy healthy relationship then you can't stay.

Thank you all so much for some really sound advice and kind words.
As for my home I am completely secure and settled here without saying too much he will have to walk away with nothing but his clothes and he knows this and has done previously.
I know what I need to do but I'm just not quite there yet.
I have reached out to a friend and asked if there's any chance of meeting for a coffee or a drink, cinema. I've applied for a couple of jobs because I will need one if I'm going to do this.
Now I need to be strong and follow through now because I get drawn in to the oh well he's being ok this week.

Today while I've been upset about it all I've realised my excuse is but I love him but to be honest can't think of reasons why. I feel like I'm addicted to him it's not good.
I can also honestly say I do not believe for one second that he loves me like I do him. He only panics and tells me what I mean to him when I get strong and tell him I don't know if I want this anymore.

I think you think it will be really hard but in fact reality could be quite different; you know he's abusive, you know he does not respect you, you know he cheats and humiliates, you know he's only nice when faced with the prospect of you leaving the relationship.

All shades wrong OP and showing your children a terrible example of how relationships should be, the only person you are servicing by staying is him.

And I agree he does not love you.

That post really hit home and I was in tears but think maybe I needed to hear it!

Not because you are not lovable OP, because he is flawed beyond help.

OP, here's a word of advice that helped me when I felt frozen

All these thoughts you're having? they aren't actually what is making you feel frozen.

what's happening is that your brain (like almost all human brains) is hard wired to hate change. This was useful back in the mists of time, where if you changed camps, or took a different route through a forest, or left the protective boundaries of the village, etc., you could end up killed quite easily.

But we don't live in those times anymore, it is safe for you to change now. Unfortunately, your brain doesn't realize it's 2017 though. SO you have to contend with all these terrible thoughts and anxieties as your stone-age brain desperately tries to make you "see sense" to prevent you from being eaten by a panther or some such.

The thoughts you're having are red herrings, they're created by chemicals in your brain that are anticipating a disaster that won't actually happen. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from something that isn't there. The thoughts and anxieties are not the real problem... they are a symptom of a panicking nervous system that is afraid of change. That was, in a sense, actually designed to prevent you from making changes to your life or routine!

You can allow all these thoughts and anxieties to happen, they don't mean anything, they aren't real, you don't need to stop them or make them go away. You can move forward and make changes despite all these feelings. The trick is to start seeing the thoughts for what they are -- they're phantoms, they aren't based in fact. You CAN make progress to leave this person even though you're having anxious feelings and thoughts.

I send you my very best wishes and love. You can leave him, and you should. You deserve to feel peace and contentment. x

You need to be happy for you and your childrens sake , unfortunatly he doesnt fit that equation right now and you need to do whats best for you :)
so sorry to hear about the affait its damn straight direspectful to the mother of your children especially . know your worth , its 110% more then that x

Ok little update, he ended it after everything I've been through he was the one to end it!
I'm devastated can't catch my breath!