Why can't I walk away?

[numbandlost]

So he cheated not a one night stand but a full blown affair, I don't feel he respects me, he doesn't make me happy right now, he doesn't bring much to my life and since joining mumsnet I've realised he is also emotionally abusive.
I've invested in the book a lot of you talk about, why does he do that and hoping that will help.
My real dilemma is why can't I walk away? I feel like I might be staying out of fear he will move on and magically be in an amazing relationship and have completely changed or worse he will go back to the other woman and that I am going to be stuck here unable to move on raising our kids alone and be unhappy forever!
Someone please talk some sense to me??

I'm so sorry for you. But hopefully it will help you move on.
Don't let him back into your life, he's treating you appallingly

I just feel so broken I don't know what to do now to move on! I know it will take time but now that it's done I just want to get on with it and move on I can't face the hurt but unfortunately it isn't going to be that simple!

He has done this before but I know it's final this time and I know I need to be strong enough to ensure that it is! I think I've been humiliated enough!!

If he's done it before he will probably try and come back into your life
Perhaps think about the triggers and work on how you'll deal with them
If he's good at manipulation then work out how you can resist it
Think if you would like to be at this point in a years time? Another year of back and forth and then him leaving again ?
Only you know your true breaking point

And facing the pain and loss is hard but is it harder than this continuing

He has done this maybe 3 or 4 times now over the last year or so told me he can't see this working and that he loves me and knows he'll regret it but he just thinks we can't be together.
It's usually when he is bad with his depression and then within a week or so when he sees life isn't better without me he wants to talk again!
Do you think it will be the same this time and if he does how do i get strong enough to stand my ground?

Yes I can guarantee he will do this to you again. I'm sorry because it's bloody hard to resist because each time he's not giving you enough space to move on
YOU have to decide if this is how YOU want to live your life.
Not if HE wants to come back and how that will help him

Perhaps think about how this hurts you. Because getting back with him will ease the pain temporarily, but you'll always be thinking he'll drop you again and that will erode your sense of self.
You really have to decide this time, it's nothing to do with him anymore what you do with your life.

I did the whole blocking, it didn't really work, because he will up his game probably

The only way to be free from him, is for you to know in your heart that you don't want to be treated like this anymore and that you deserve to be happy.

Try no contact for 30 days

I'm trying the no contact obviously I have to have some contact because we have children but just kept to a minimum and no unnecessary chat.
That's what happens I forgive him and then I'm temporarily happy and relieved and then as soon as his mood starts to change I start panicking wondering if today's the day he will up and leave again.
There's never any big changes that he promises.

I wonder if this is all part of his game playing and he'll come back again...have you looked into doing the Freedom programme numb? It might help you break this relationship and move forward once and for all?

Sounds like game playing
But try not to get caught up in what he's thinking or his motives
This is about you and your children
The dropping and coming back is so cruel for you and your kids
Try and see that
Perhaps get a second email only for discussion about contact with the kids

Probably because you have very low self esteem. Like most women who stay with awful men for far too long. I was in this position myself - can you afford to have a few therapy sessions with someone who understands emotional abuse? It may help to steel your resolve and get you out of the relationship quicker.

Ultimately it doesn't matter if he goes on to find 'the perfect relationship'. On paper my ex has done this, but deep down I know he'll always be a nasty piece of work - and noone who is truly awful can ever really be happy. And even if by some miracle he is - what does it matter to me?! I'm living my life now and it's my happiness and my dcs that matter.

I am in a similar position and it's killing me. He picks me up and drops me on a regular basis. One week he can't live without me then the next he can 'take or leave' me (his words). He drinks and is emotionally abusive yet I cannot seem to block him out of my life totally. When I try that's when he comes crawling back. We don't have children together but have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. I love him but know he is no good for me. How do you manage to break away? I have two children and just want to be happy for them 😕

Therapy is a great idea if you can afford it
Admitting that you are not powerless too.
Backtoblack
I sometimes just thought I didn't have the energy to fight it. And the small nice feeling I got from the up sides was all I deserved

You have to believe you are worth more. And you are worth more
He's drained you. You need to be kind and know it's hard and still be kind
I'm in the same boat, a long time of "I love you" "i can't be with you"
He's cruel and manipulative
And I'm sorry To say that is not real love

I agree with therapy. It's helped me immensely but it's a long and bloody hard journey

I think therapy could be good for me to get it all out and maybe build some confidence and self esteem.
I did start counselling last year and was told I had general anxiety disorder i think that's what she called it and self esteem issues.
One part of me hopes he does come crawling back the other part is hoping that if he does I'm strong enough to not fall for it. Unfortunately maybe the reality is that he doesn't feel remorse and he is happy with his decision.
I just feel like it's going to be so hard to see him move on and be happy when maybe it's going to take a very long time for me to feel happy again.

Backtoblack this is completely hypocritical of me but please walk away now it's so much harder the longer you leave it and if one day you ended up having a home and children together etc.
Block his number block him on all social media if you have it and go out with your friends socialise take up a hobby whatever keep yourself busy and move on from him.
Don't wait until you feel completely trapped.

I can understand you hope he will come back
But maybe the hope is that he will come back and it will be different
Think truly in your head and heart is if going to be different
That might help

That's very true I just keep hoping that I'm enough for him to change but I aren't.
He's coming to get the kids now and I'm so anxious

He had to sort his own life out
You can't change him, save him, make him happy
But what he's done is cruel. I know that sounds harsh but it's sadly the case
Be strong

*has

A good analogy I heard was
Imagine you're putting coins into a slot machine, lots of them and getting nothing back. You keep going and eventually you hit the jackpot. It's a brief release and in all honesty you've won less that you put in
But you go back putting more and more coins in, ever hoping for the small win/the feeling of relief when you get something back even if it's small

Yeah that's right he has been very cruel to me.
And that's exactly how I feel I put so much in to him and get literally nothing back! I do love him and it's going to hurt and take a long time to fall out of love with him but I'm starting to realise he's never going to give me what I want and need

oh OP, I can relate so well. All I can say is that you're most likely out of the habit of thinking as numb; you're used to thinking as mum, wife etc.

Be achingly honest with yourself, what would you do if you weren't afraid?

Who is your ideal you?

Go out and get her. Be her.

You WILL be ok

So many women on here write how terrible their situations are and then keep making the mistakes that he is a "nice person" - If he was a "nice person", you would not have written what you wrote.

I left my abuser and in order to move forward, I must concentrate on the fact that he was abusive. Many of us unknowing help these men to be abusive - by allowing them to build patterns of abusive behaviour.

I left him and hopefully the woman after me will not have to suffer unnecessarily. Bad is bad, let's not try to paint it a different colour