Why can't I walk away?

[numbandlost]

So he cheated not a one night stand but a full blown affair, I don't feel he respects me, he doesn't make me happy right now, he doesn't bring much to my life and since joining mumsnet I've realised he is also emotionally abusive.
I've invested in the book a lot of you talk about, why does he do that and hoping that will help.
My real dilemma is why can't I walk away? I feel like I might be staying out of fear he will move on and magically be in an amazing relationship and have completely changed or worse he will go back to the other woman and that I am going to be stuck here unable to move on raising our kids alone and be unhappy forever!
Someone please talk some sense to me??

It took a stranger to make me truly understand how cruel he was and how I'd put so much in getting nothing back
I hope we can be that stranger
It's a fucking hard thing to admit if you don't like defeat and you cling on to the goodness you think they have

He sounds really fucking tedious OP

Transition is hard. Adjustment is hard. You feel fear and you think it's fear of the rest of your new life without him but it's only fear of change and that is all over in about a year.

So you can definitely get through the next year.

Then your life has every chance of being a lot more enjoyable than it is now.

Thanks so much for the posts I've been struggling to post today because I haven't coped very well. I am emotional and tired.
It is scary wondering what my life is going to be now and what's going to happen but I guess that's just the fear of the unknown. I know deep down that I am going to get over this and I will feel better but it just feels so far off right now.

It really hurts this morning I'm really struggling! My chest actually hurts it's almost like I can feel my heart hurting!! Need to get busy after the school run because I just want to talk to him but I know that's a bad decision.

Sorry you are going through this.
And yes, it is literally painful.
Your heart hurts like it is actually breaking into a million pieces.
But he is a wanker and you do NOT need him and nor should you want him.
It's hard. And it won't feel any better for a little while.
Then the fog will start to clear, slowly but surely and you'll find yourself a much better life away this scumbag.
Please look after yourself.
Sit down, sugary tea or coffee, breathe!!!
Keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
It's not easy but sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through the first few weeks. I just couldn't' swallow anything solid.
Get as many family and friends around you for support as possible.
They will absolutely want to help you.
Keep busy - go running or walking.
I used to walk in the woods and cry and scream and shout.
You will get there. It just won't feel like it for a while.

Yeah I can't eat either the thought food is making me gag but I know I need to keep my strength up! Going to go for a walk now I usually really enjoy doing my cleaning but I can't even get it together to do that

Orange juice ice-lollies!
Trust me on this.
Keep busy if you can.
Get out and about.

Right I'm walking to Tesco now then I'll give them a try.
By time I get back will be time to get little one from nursery so at least it will keep me busy!

numb - what makes you say you aren't coping well? What does coping well look like anyway?

Is it a process or response you have been conditioned to think should happen one way, but in reality could be in any number of ways?.....

Try try try to go easy on you, feel what you feel, avoid second guessing yourself if you can; or at least, learn to recognise when it happens.

I promise it will help you to feel better, slowly but surely.

I could have written this, albeit the cheating part. I'm so in awe of your strength OP xx

You could do things to the house to make it feel like a new start. It doesn't have to cost money. Rearrange some furniture. Change where you keep the spoons. Get rid of something that triggers bad relationship memories. Throw out your old socks. This gives you little visual reminders all the time that this is the start of a new and better life rather than the old life with a bit missing.

I just feel like I'm not coping because I'm really tearful and struggling to do day to day things.
I'm struggling to be a patient and happy mummy.
I'm not usually a very emotional person if something happens I just like to move on get over it forget about it. I guess I can be kind of cold emotionally so it's shocks me how this is affecting me.

Years of emotional abuse knocks your confidence in your ability to make your decisions based on what's best for you, you have been trained to think of everything in terms of what he wants.

When that "structure" to your life and your thinking is gone then that's a big adjustment to make.

Can you tell what aspect of it is shaking you up? Similarly can you tell which aspects of it give you a little jump of joy?

Great post Rabbit.... sums up what I was trying to say. Coping isn't about just the positive emotions. Coping can be feeling crap too.
I think we're conditioned (esp in shit relationship) to over compensate when we feel down, attack & judge ourselves with it.

The very fact you are struggling means you are trying

Yes you are right that all makes sense.
I have spent so long feeling like mum, partner, daughter, sister, friend I feel like I've kind of lost who I am and now that he's gone and I've got to be independent I feel lost because I don't know who I am as a single person, I've been with him my whole adult life.
Another bad thing I've noticed is that I'm a people pleaser and I've gone along with a lot of stuff that has made me miserable and worn me down because I want to see everyone else happy and I'm the last on the list.

You could speed your recovery by considering what kind of person you want to be, even if you aren't that person yet. Who do you admire?

It's the strangest feeling, having to find yourself.
But it's very liberating as well.
You are coping!
As best YOU can.
We all cope differently.
I'm not one for tears or drama but I cried and cried and cried when I could, curled up in a ball in a corner, for hours on end.
Days and months.
It took a year to start to feel myself again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You are doing great.
Take it one hour at a time for now.

I'm actually ashamed to say that he turned up today to talk and I cried and asked him to consider trying again he said no he doesn't want to be with anymore done no going back! I feel sick can't stop crying made an absolute fool of myself

Your only human OP, don't me so hard on your self. Do you have friend and family in real life you can off load on to? Hugs xx

I have no one local just my mum and dad and I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it right now. I find instead of them being reassuring and practical they just get annoyed and opinionated and I've enough on my plate without listening to it.
I have a friend who lives about 40 mins away and I will visit her next weekend I'm just not sure what to do with myself in the meantime.

Hi, feel the same - I don't discuss my problems with anyone in RL because of the opinions.

Feel your pain OP xx

Another day another meltdown! When will this get easier

How you feeling OP?

Slimceagirl
I haven't been coping very well, he wants to have access to the children inside my home but when he does that he isn't spending time with them he is just following me from room to room. When I ask him to have access elsewhere for example the park he will go for half an hour and then make an excuse to come back and sit here for hours. He will send me messages and tell me he misses me and still loves me and always will and then follow it up with another saying that he will never ever get back with me though. I have spoken to women's aid and they have said everything he is doing is like textbook of an abusive partner and he's trying to control me still. They said I need to get strong and have referred me for some courses and some one to one counselling however there is a 3 month waiting list at the moment.
It still really hurts I'm struggling to sleep but constantly feel exhausted and struggling to eat too. Hope I find my strength soon.