My husband has erectile dysfunction and he doesn't want it treated

[Pawsbutton]

My husband and I have only had sex about six times in the last few years.

Since our child was born, sex has dwindled to three times a year.

A couple of years ago, he had an operation to repair a hernia.

He says that, since his operation, he rarely gets erections and that he wouldn't want sex anyway as he thinks it would hurt.

He has seen the GP but said there is nothing the GP can do to help.

He says he probably won't have sex with me again, but might do at some point.

The issue isn't just the lack of sex, it's the lack of any physical affection. No kisses or hugs, unless I ask for them. Even then, they are brief and cursory.

He is a great father. Our teenage son couldn't be separated from him.

I am so sexually frustrated that I cannot sleep. Masturbation doesn't fulfil the deep need in me to have regular and satisfying sex with the man I love.

I can't face a lifetime of this - it's awful.

Can anyone advise or help?

Does he have a stressful job? Have you become unattractive to him (is. Weight gain)?

You shouldn't have to face a lifetime of this. You should start the separation talks.

You have a roommate, not a husband. I'm not normally one to encourage an ultimatum, but unless you want to live out the rest of your life in a loveless, sexless marriage, I think it's your only choice. He either agrees to medical help and counseling or the marriage is over. This is a horrible way to live.

There's no reason your ds would lose his father.

OK, for ease, you would need to live near each other, but ds could spend his time as he liked between you. Buses, bike rides, walks between.

Potentially you could live together but separately, with an agreement to not ask and not tell about lovers - or an open marriage - or a separated couple house-sharing.

You shouldn't settle for this tho. Your ds will grow up and leave home. What will you be left with?

Badhatter - I have put on a bit of weight since having our son, but not enough to feel he might find me unattractive.

I dress well, make an effort with my appearance and keep fit.

I do feel he doesn't fancy me anymore, though...

If you continue in this marriage, in 10 or 15 years time you'll look back and curse yourself. You deserve more.

As category 12 asks "what will you be left with."......let me tell you. You will be 20+ years like me sad and utterly broken as a "woman". Your self esteem will be irreparably in tatters. You will become resentful and angry and yes very frustrated.

I too long(ed) for intimacy, caresses and a close loving relationship. A warm private intimate relationship can overcome many of life's troubles and challenges because you feel you can face it "together". Being completely cut off from sex by your husband believe me is awful. My husband became impotent in his 40's and absolutely refused to even discuss any "alternatives" for me.

He would not consider my suggestion of satisfying me by other mans than intercourse but he always made it difficult for me. He would either cry and get upset or do what was necessary with such a look of torture on his face I felt like a rapist so it stopped.He unilaterally decided that I would not have sex again or indeed any form of a sex life.

Another emotion is a huge resentment I feel when faced with his increasing health problems. I simply don't care although I do all I can to help him. I just think (and you will too op) "You didn't care about me why should I be concerned about your needs now?" .....oh the sadness, resentment and realisation at such a waste of life will colour all your emotions and it never ends (for me anyway).

I just cannot write "love from " Zoflora" on birthday/Christmas/anniversary cards because I don't feel it. I could go on and on explaining how heartbroken I have been for so long. My h is a kind man and I know in his own way he loves me (we never tell each other, kiss or hold hands). Please think about what the long term future holds for you without sex or intimacy, believe me it is a sad lonely place.

Ironically I have a high sex drive and so very much enjoyed sex in the early days, never refusing any advances and it would not have taken him long nor would he have had to have tried too much to satisfy me, but he couldn't even be bothered to try even for my sake.

Zoflora - how dreadful for you... I really feel for you.

I feel so lost and sad and can't believe it has come ethos to this

I think he's being incredibly selfish.

You sound like you have the patience of a saint OP & deserve better. Some people moan that they only have sex 3 times a week, let alone a year. It really isn't right.

I'd leave somebody like that. He's been selfish

Does he know that you may eventually dump him OP?

Intimacy with my partner is as important as breathing imo. It's unfair to expect your OH to live without it because you can't be bothered.

Organise your thoughts then have a chat, tell him the stakes.

Zoflora that is so sad :( may I ask. Why haven't you left? You deserve so much more.

OP. This would be a deal breaker for me. Sex keeps us going. When we've been breaking the sec isn't just about the immediate feeling it just seems to remind us that we have each other and we are united.

There are 2 problems here...

1. lack of affection
2. his refusal to see lack of sex as an issue

Without these you don't have a romantic relationship, you're just friends who live together and raise children together. If that's what you want, no problem. Otherwise he needs to realise that doing nothing is not working. I suppose you need to be very clear in your mind what you want from him, and what you will do if those needs aren't met, then have a really frank discussion with him.

Thanks all.

I think I'm going to insist he returns to GP. Otherwise, I really don't see a future for us.

Whataload - you've hit the nail on the head.

I have been in the same situation of an affectionless marriage, you have sympathies, it messed with my MH as my self esteem hit rock bottom. It was only when I started talking about separation that my DW stopped ignoring the issues and, properly, began working on the issues with me.

We have had a good discussion about our needs within the relationship and both of us are different and both were falling short in some aspects so are focusing on how to meet eachother's needs better.

It's still work in progress but it is progress none the less.

I know a couple similar in age (when this started) as Zoflora describes, the husband stopped having any interest in sex in their forties. It really broke the women, her confidence hit the ground and she gained a lot of weight. It didn't help that the husband was an emotionally abusive narcissist, who constantly flirts with younger more attractive women.

He treated his wife like she was his Mother, she ran after him constantly, to the point he didn't even know where his underwear was kept. She had to look out his clothes and get up early to make his breakfast and lunch and wave him off as he left for work. He wanted everyone to think they had a perfect marriage. When he did relent on occasion to be physical again he would deliberately mark her with love bites that her children/ friends/ neighbours would see and comment on.

The wife was constantly paranoid that he was cheating on her, I believe he had cheated multiple times earlier in their relationship. She would threaten to leave but he would threaten to not allow her near their children. Unfortunately she believed him, she is in her sixties now and regrets that bitterly. I do think there was an erectile problem, if he had got it seen to earlier he may have avoided the massive heart attack he had in his mid fifties (apparently it was a symptom of his cardiovascular problems). He survived and had a triple bypass but he has not been able to work since.

They are now stuck in a platonic/ emotionally abusive relationship and the wife has been in a shell of a marriage for over twenty years. I have tried to get her to see how abusive her husband is but in her own way she loves him and I think she fears the unknown as they have been together since she was a teenager. She is a shell of her former self, she used to be happy, vivacious and fun to be around, she exuded warmth and love. She is now depressed, chronically anxious, withdrawn and lonely. She faces dying having spent the larger part of her marriage in an awful relationship without the warmth and love that a good marriage should bring. She has gone at least ten years without any sex or affection. It is honestly heartbreaking.

Can you spend the rest of your life like this op? I know I couldn't!

My ex has erectile dysfunction, it was soul destroying.

If he won't seek help and won't consider seeing a sex therapist at Relate, give him an ultimatum and follow it through.

Taylor 22. I did not leave my husband because despite his complete disregard of my needs in this one aspect (important to me though it was and still is) I did still love him and I had three sons to care for. I could not have managed them and a demanding full time job on my own. I just Got On With It. However it is not to say that after 50 years of being together I am still resentful and sadly growing increasingly bitter.

He has to want to change things and be affectionate.

I disagree that someone can decide you won't have a sex life though. Everyone is in control of their lives... Or at least they should be.

You have to decide if you want to live your life this way. If you don't, I suggest you tackle it with him and suggest alternatives.

Option one... Be clear that you want affection in the marriage.

Option two.. If he can't, then you want an open marriage.

Option three... If he doesn't do option 1 or agree to option 2...the marriage is more of a friendship.. And you need to make plans for your future.

Nobody can enforce celibacy on you, unless you agree to it.

The answer to most problems comes from within yourself with a little guidance.

Zoflora is right. Trust me. And Sandy is right. Those are the options.

Could he be gay?

Thanks all...

Fuckle - I'm sure he's not gay, I just think his sex drive has gone ... you never know, though

It's certainly nothing you have done or not done, paws. You deserve a sex life. If he refuses to be more than friends and roommates, it is just going to hurt you more and more over time.

You might get further with suggesting appropriate therapy, for him to explore why he has this fear of sex, rather than getting him to take pills.

I would be concerned he was either cheating, or struggling with his sexuality.

You poor thing, it sounds devestating.

Oh boy do I agree with all of the above! I was exactly the same op. 12.5 fucking years I went without. It's the loss of intimacy that kills. When I broached the subject, my dh said 'If you truly love me & you meant your marriage vows, then you will stay loyal & celibate by my side for the rest of your life!' I just couldn't do it. I could 'take' a hug but it wasn't reciprocated. All he really wanted was a mother replacement. Someone to tell him how much he was loved/admired and to be cared for. In his eyes, my needs were met because I had food on the table and a roof over my head. It was torture. In the end I had to walk away. I couldn't stand it any more, I need that human connection. sex post divorce has been a joyful revelation