My husband has erectile dysfunction and he doesn't want it treated

[Pawsbutton]

My husband and I have only had sex about six times in the last few years.

Since our child was born, sex has dwindled to three times a year.

A couple of years ago, he had an operation to repair a hernia.

He says that, since his operation, he rarely gets erections and that he wouldn't want sex anyway as he thinks it would hurt.

He has seen the GP but said there is nothing the GP can do to help.

He says he probably won't have sex with me again, but might do at some point.

The issue isn't just the lack of sex, it's the lack of any physical affection. No kisses or hugs, unless I ask for them. Even then, they are brief and cursory.

He is a great father. Our teenage son couldn't be separated from him.

I am so sexually frustrated that I cannot sleep. Masturbation doesn't fulfil the deep need in me to have regular and satisfying sex with the man I love.

I can't face a lifetime of this - it's awful.

Can anyone advise or help?

Interesting....it is a common myth that it is always the man who wants sex and the woman who loses interest/uses it as a means of control etc etc and it is hard to believe that there are so many women out there who are yearning for their partner/husbands to make love with them but he either wont or cant.

No wonder so many women take a lover

There was a really interesting program about this on radio 5 last Friday - probably about 10.30am. Would be well worth trying to find it on iplayer

It was the 5 live daily program with Emma Barnett

Thanks so much - I'll look up that programme.

OP, you have my sympathy. My DH has had a series of medical problems (real or imaginary, who knows? The GP and various tests have found nothing ) over the last couple of years, and we haven't had sex more than half a dozen times since. It is awful, and as the song says 'you don't know what you've got till its gone'. I used to enjoy sex in a fairly ho hum kind of way, now I think about it constantly!
We move around the house trying to physically avoid each other, and sleep on the very outside edges of the bed. We've both retired recently, still mid fifties, and I was hoping this would be the start of some great times. I have no idea how I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
And the posters who have mentioned an open marriage - is this really a thing that actually happens? I can't imagine it ever working, because if I met somebody who showed me the slightest affection I'd be off with them like a shot. I even hate spending time with other couples who seem to still fancy each other. It's really bloody hard, and I hope you find resolution.

This won't be popular, but in your shoes I'd either leave or have no strings sex with someone else.

You say your child is in teens. If you really can't bear to leave now, at least make plans to do so, when he is 18.

Nothing - that sounds horrible; I really sympathise.

Nobody can enforce celibacy on you, unless you agree to it.

I agree.

Just like no one can force him to go to the drs or have sex when he doesn't want to either.

It is a tough position to be in.

Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not.

Husky - I'm very tempted 😕

I will have to stick it out until ds is eighteen - another three sexless, affection free "marriage".

Op life is too short for this.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting and not having sex if both partners are OK with that. Since you're not, it would be in your best interests to leave and find someone who you are compatible with sexually.

'Have you become unattractive to him?' what a question
I second that life is too short. No sex does not mean no affection either-he is being incredibly selfish.

op if you do stay - guard your self-esteem otherwise it will go through the floor.

i hate that i wasted so many years trying hard and hoping he would change. He used sex as a weapon - refused point blank to talk about it. Ours was already within the definition of a sexless marriage eg 4 times per year.

i just don't 'get' the notion that one persons needs should always trump the others (as per my own marriage)

That is why i am divorcing his sorry ass, trusting myself again, and being true to me.

I wish you well x

I wouldn't wait till your son is 18
A friend of mine did this and her daughter says it was worse as that's the year of making decisions and maybe moving out.
Kids can also feel responsible for keeping unhappy parents together

If you are going to wait 3 years to leave, I would be checking out my options, lining the ducks up and getting some counselling.

It's amazing how many people on here have had this problem - it always seems to be the other way round. But if a man 'takes a lover' as TDHManchester puts it, then it's all 'LTB' and rightly so, I guess.
My DH is so wrapped up in himself that he probably wouldn't notice me tottering off in high heels to meet somebody for a quick one. He hasn't noticed I've been right through the Menopause and (hopefully) out the other side. I was hoping that might calm things down, frustration wise. It didn't...

Paws, have you had the conversation with him about how it makes you feel to be so distanced from him?

Don't stick it out for 3 years if it's making you this unhappy. He can still be a good dad to DS if you aren't together.

OP, this is dead in the water and you shouldn't live like this. It will kill you.

I'd spend the next year-ish getting counseling and quietly disentangling finances / lining ducks up.

I'd go before DS is 18. You don't want DS thinking you stayed with his DF on DS's account. Why would DS "be separated" from his dad? Does your DH only have contact with DS via you?

Marriage vows, generally speaking, include a vow to love, honour and cherish. Your DH may love you in a way, but he's not honouring you and he's certainly not cherishing you.

In fact he's expecting that you quite literally repudiate any expectation of feeling loved/honoured/cherished, in service of nothing more than him not being arsed.

He's broken his marriage vows out of pure selfishness and apathy. There's just no excuse at all. You would be a fool to keep up your end of the bargain. And you'd be teaching your son, subconsciously, to expect that women should accept the same behavior from him. It's just not on and does nothing but damage.

Why would DS "be separated" from his dad? Does your DH only have contact with DS via you?

I take that as meaning he would want to stay with his DF rather than with the OP, which of course he may very well do

Thanks, you lovely people.

I am going to try and talk to dh about possible separation let's face, we see practically separated but live in the same house over the weekend.

It's sad if a marriage fails, but I can't bear to live like this forever.

I love what thestamp said about marriage vows. They have been broken, and you need to salvage what you can from this. Wishing you strength.

Good luck OP!

You're not alone in this. I have similar issues and have read your thread. You have a lot of support on here!

Oh this is painful to read. So many of us have been in the same situation.

In my case XH had no problem going to the GP and getting sorted for ED with OW. Just me he couldn't be arsed to think about.

With my dh it's because hardcore porn has become his obsession; very lonely place to be.