Spoke to an ow and it really upset me

[RainyApril]

I knew that a work colleague had recently left her dh for her affair partner, and that they had been conducting their affair for five years before leaving their respective partners to be together.

She talked about how happy and in love they are, and about how they are still amicable with their spouses, who completely understood and were unsurprised when the affair came out. She said her xh is still a good friend as he has their two dc, and she can call in whenever she wants.

I am currently in her xh's shoes in that my xh is living with his ow and we are amicable, but I am far far from ok.

The conversation really upset me. It might all be true but I strongly suspect her xh is less 'fine' than she thinks he is. I can obviously empathise with him.

But it also made me wonder if my xh is rewriting history and telling everyone that I was ok and unsurprised. So I asked him and he admitted it was! They have told people our marriage was over, that we were waiting to separate, that I was ok about the affair and am happier single than I ever was married.

None of this is true. I don't know why I'm posting except maybe to rant here rather than in rl, and maybe to warn other women who are on the brink of becoming an ow, or people listening to the successful ow's love story.

I've not been in this situation but I sympathise. I'm sure they say this to make themselves feel better and more justified in their despicable behaviour. They'll have a life filled with mistrust and suspicion anyway so more fool them

How awful!
That is a whole other betrayal and no doubt done to convince themselves and assuage their guilt. It wont do either
Hold your head high love and tell people the truth if you want to. X

Who completely understood?? Were unsurprised?? They're having a laugh. What a crock.

Honestly, the shit these people come out with. It's so obviously bullshit and anyone with half a grain of sense will see that. People aren't as stupid as these lovebirds seem to think.

Painting over the cracks. Craters, really

I've no idea exactly what my exW said to justify her affair, but the little bits that have leaked out from friends and (her) family over the last few years suggests it was a long way removed from the truth.

Unfortunately we're all a bit good at varnishing the facts from time to time. You'd have to really not care what others thought of you to be totally honest about the circumstances of an affair, when you've been the one cheating. Bit shit when you hear it parroted back as "fact" by mutual friends though.

I'm sorry you're in this position. The re-writing of history and refusing to allow you your emotions must be hard to stomach.

As to why they've done it, it's to garner themselves the best reaction isn't it? What sounds better:

"Oh yeah, Rainy and I both knew the marriage was dead. She was actually relieved when it all came out! The marriage could end on good terms, and she is so much happier now! We actually did her a favour by having an affair if you think about it."

Or:

"Oh yeah, we lied and cheated for days/weeks/months/years. Totally gaslighted her, made her think she was crazy and paranoid. I spent X amount of family money making sure I had fun while Rainy stayed at home with the kids. Then totally broke her heart and devastated her when we got caught out. But at least I'm happy eh?"

They're all cuntmuffins and you are well out of it and absolutely tell anyone you like what actually happened. Don't get caught up in their rewrites.

Each to their own but she is not someone I would want anywhere near my life. As for your ex-'D'H op -well obviously it makes life a whole lot easy not to mention it eradicates any conscience he may have about his betrayal. If I were you OP I would at any opportunity tell people the real reason you split up. Not his ridiculous work of fiction!

No wonder you felt upset op, I am wondering how you manage to be amicable with your ex given the history?

That might be what they're telling people, but I doubt people buy it. If I heard your ex telling people that, I'd just laugh inwardly and think 'bollocks'.

You should have started crying and told her your situation; she sounds very arrogant

I've heard this sort of thing before. It's really crappy.

They're telling themselves - and other people e.g. you - lies in an attempt to deal with their guilt and shoddy behaviour.

No one believes them, or your ex and his new partner.

Years ago friends of ours had an affair and separated from their spouses, he left his wife and 3 children. At the time on his side we were told his marriage was practically over, wife was a real crazy person, we had no idea what he had to put up with all those years. She spun the story that she was too young when she got together with her husband and they drifted. To my shame I bought it all but then a couple of years ago a work colleague was left by her husband for the ow and the impact on her and her children made me see the first couple on a completely different light. I've completely distanced myself from them now, I can't bear to be civil to them knowing what they did to her husband and his family. I was 25 at the time and naïve but talking to other mutual acquaintances none of them bought the story at the time. My former 'friends' are disgusting selfish bastards

I guess you're posting because your story and reality have been taken out of your hands and rewritten to suit someone else. On here, you can tell us your story and reality as they actually are, and we will listen and accept them.

Keep talking.

Great post Yorick

Thank you everyone, it really helps to hear that my feelings are normal and valid. Sometimes I question myself and feel like I should be over it all by now.

Talking to this woman was interesting. She knows my situation so I was surprised she was talking to me about it, of all people. I have to work with her so just smiled and nodded. I hope everyone my xh has spoken to has done the same - smiled and nodded while not believing a word!

'Cuntmuffin' has just entered my vocabulary and will be much used (internally) from now on.

Someone asked how we've stayed amicable - because I smile, nod and suck up all the shit without complaint.

You're all so kind.

It's part of the script.
You're supposed to be ok with it all. You're not supposed to be devastated or emotional or broken.

But if you are and you lose your shit, then you become the crazy ex.

It would all be such a total cliche if it wasn't so painful.

I'm sorry that you're in this position OP, it really is tough. You can't though surmise what is happening in other people's marriages and relationships; the experience is really not transferrable. Some marriages are good and just end - with or without an OW/OM - and other marriages are not so good and rumble on regardless because it's costly and time-consuming to get out of them, with the added risk of losing the affection of children of the relationship.

When my relationship ended (because of an affair), my partner moved on quite quickly and I was in a heap for a good while. Years have passed and it's clear that he and his now wife are far better suited than he and I ever were. It did help though that he didn't follow the usual patter of blaming me for his actions albeit we were both responsible for our relationship and its wellbeing.

I get that you're here to have a rant and that's understandable but try to take the platitudes with a bit of salt as it isn't helpful (in my opinion) to believe them as fact, even if it does act as a 'salve' for a bit. In my experience though, I couldn't keep believing them because I knew they weren't true.

You say that you spoke to an 'OW' as if they're some kind of analogous breed. They aren't, anymore than OM are or anybody else but I suppose it's a bit like when you buy a particular brand of car and then keep seeing that so many people have that brand also; it just becomes more noticeable when you have one too.

It takes time to get over the ending of a relationship that matters/mattered to you. My advice would be not to try to rush that, you will feel better on your own timetable, not anybody else's - and well-meaning jabs at your ex by other people can start to grate after a while.

Thanks Lyin

I only said that 'I spoke to an ow' because that aspect of her character was what was pertinent. I'm aware that they're all individuals of course, but today I wasn't interested in how funny, kind or clever she is. I was interested in the fact she is a legitimate dp in a relationship that started as an affair.

I don't care if xh and his ow are well suited or together for a lifetime, the lies and betrayals are indefensible and I (quietly) judge them for their actions and choices that are not negated by simply being in love.

My marriage felt happy. I never had any indication that he wasn't. Finding out that he is rewriting history to paint himself in a better light really irks. I don't call him names in rl and have defended him at times when friends have been critical, but on here I can be honest and reading the swipes have actually made me feel better.

Rainy, I know, it's tough seeing them 'ride off into the sunset' and you have so many feelings and pain to deal with and no, their being in love doesn't negate the pain that they've caused you, not at all.

It seems to be a fact that affairs are 'acceptable' in that judgement is mostly on mumsnet and not so much in RL where people are actually accepting of it. Do what makes you feel better because you're the one going through it.

I spoke to two women that my husband was messing around with and they both told me he had said I was an alcoholic, no interest in our 3 children and only wanted to be glamorous. He was actually talking about a friend of mine.

I met one of them and she found the truth out for herself.

Any woman or man that cheats is a cunt in my eyes.

The friend my ex was talking about was having an affair with her next door neighbour and I told her to fuck right off when she told me and dropped her right there.

Cunt.

It seems to be a fact that affairs are 'acceptable' in that judgement is mostly on Mumsnet and not so much in rl where people are actually accepting of it

I guess people can be completely honest on an anonymous forum whereas in rl they have to rub along with these people - they have to do a version of my 'smiling and nodding' because they work with these people, or are in the same friendship group, or see them at family events.

As a pp said, some people are accepting until it happens to someone close to them and they see the unvarnished devastation rather than the sanitised version of events circulated by the affair couple.

It has hurt to hear the lies that my xh is still trotting out, and to think about people believing them, but this thread has given me some hope that people are smart enough not to fall for it even if they pretend that they are.

Is she my partners ex? She seemed so shocked when her affair partner's wife got really angry and called her all manner of names. She's done a number on my dp aswell who also thinks the wife was being unreasonable.

I have told him that a few expletives were perfectly in order!

With all due respect Lying, you're spouting total shit. You sound like you have swallowed the script hook, line and sinker and are spewing it back out. Not everyone drinks the Kool Aid.

The OP has every right to be the author of her own story. And she has every right to tell that story here.

So many adulterers and child abandon era rewrite history to assuage their own consciences. They love to make themselves somehow the victim. The very fact that they need to do that shows that they know what they have done is wrong.

And I know plenty of people, who like PP, gently distance themselves, both professionally and socially from the egregiously sexually incontinent.

Some people just want to believe what they're told- For example my friend who promised her unfailing support when I told her I was thinking of leaving, but when I actually did was nowhere to be seen.

" I was just so upset about my little social circle being broken up", she said. ( much later)
Unfortunately me putting a brave face on it has backfired on me- yes, I can appear amicable around him, but the cost is too high. Every time I am around him I can't sleep for about a week, but the friend thinks she can invite us to the same social events. That's with the potential OW having disappeared off the scene. I'm sure it would be ten times worse if she was still around.

He was so shocked and upswt that he went into himswlf. They are amicable today for the kids whereas i think his ex is a looser.

Same for me. Things ended very 'amicably' but that was very deliberate on my part for DC's sake.
XH has now moved on (not the OW) and it really irritates me that I'm the one who has to deal with all the emotional fallout when he was the one being a dick.
We live in a small town and I'll run into people he knows socially and they'll be off with me. No idea what he's telling them but I'm pretty sure it doesn't cover his multiple affairs or the gaslighting.
I've also got a colleague who's having an affair and seems to think it's perfectly fine. I completely avoid her socially since I found out. Affairs are nasty selfish things and I'm not interested in being friends with someone who is okay with hurting someone else for their own benefit.