Spoke to an ow and it really upset me

[RainyApril]

I knew that a work colleague had recently left her dh for her affair partner, and that they had been conducting their affair for five years before leaving their respective partners to be together.

She talked about how happy and in love they are, and about how they are still amicable with their spouses, who completely understood and were unsurprised when the affair came out. She said her xh is still a good friend as he has their two dc, and she can call in whenever she wants.

I am currently in her xh's shoes in that my xh is living with his ow and we are amicable, but I am far far from ok.

The conversation really upset me. It might all be true but I strongly suspect her xh is less 'fine' than she thinks he is. I can obviously empathise with him.

But it also made me wonder if my xh is rewriting history and telling everyone that I was ok and unsurprised. So I asked him and he admitted it was! They have told people our marriage was over, that we were waiting to separate, that I was ok about the affair and am happier single than I ever was married.

None of this is true. I don't know why I'm posting except maybe to rant here rather than in rl, and maybe to warn other women who are on the brink of becoming an ow, or people listening to the successful ow's love story.

So many adulterers and child abandon era rewrite history to assuage their own consciences. They love to make themselves somehow the victim.

Oh, this. Definitely.

I am with Lying and think she talks sense. People in RL are more accepting as people just want to crack on with their lives. They are also happy to lend an ear and they care friends are hurt.

It's hard to know how to react when you discover your spouse's affair.

Your self esteem takes a beating. I certainly felt older, uglier, fatter, frumpier as I compared myself to ow.

I felt like everyone was comparing us and thinking 'who can blame him' or wondering whether I was a nightmare to live with.

If you get angry you play into their hands by looking mad and vengeful.

If you are sad well then you'd better get over it quickly otherwise you're miserable and bitter.

I went for 'I'm fine' and have aimed for moral high ground at all times. It has meant they don't have any ammunition to throw at me but it takes a toll.

Well I sent a single text to ow, a week after finding out. It was polite and short, no swearing or threatening or name calling. I received a reply from her sister telling me to pull myself together and get over it.

Op I'd be furious. I left exdh after his affair. He was very honest about what he'd done, too honest really. If he'd lied and told people the shit you describe I'd have a hard time controlling my rage. Anyway, people are not stupid, they'll see through it. What did you say to him? Have you ever had the chance to get angry?

Yes adulterers tell themselves a nice story because they know they're in the wrong. Don't think for a moment that anybody believes them.

It is so true that no one believes this crap for a single minute and you are being smart by playing the long game. Your kids will have huge respect for you in the long term when they are able to work it out for themselves.
Console yourself with that and think that your adulterous ex plus his adulterous lover will have a lifetime ahead of not being able to respect and trust each other because they both know what each other is capable of. Karma indeed !
And as said before do not collude with these lies if it comes up simply say that this is your husbands version of events and it does not reflect reality!

I assumed you have kids ! If not sorry for jumping to conclusions. X

For what it's worth I wouldn't believe anyone who said their ex "was ok with the affair" I can see that in time you'd realise they are better of not in your life but I don't think anyone is ever ok with an affair. It's all total crap to try and justify shitty behaviour. I'm a big believer in trying to work out issues and then if you absolutely can't you split properly BEFORE you find someone else. Affairs are never the answer, it's never ok and I will still loose respect for you if you have one.

You are the bigger person here op. Hope you are doing better and recovering. I know you aren't ok and he's a twat for telling people you are but you will be.

I think the only time ex's are probably happy are when they were either powerless or lacked the courage to get out of a shit/boring relationship.

It half sounds like the ow is trying to convince herself

What did you say to him? Have you ever had the chance to get angry?

I've had opportunities since to talk it through with him, but he's never seen me angry.

I'm beginning to think I've missed out an important stage of recovery or something, maybe that's why it all still bothers me.

I feel like it is the worst hurt anyone has ever done to me, but - unlike a crime - society expects me to smile and get over it.

Society certainly doesn't expect you to just get over it. Allow yourself to feel all different emotions!

Have you considered a counsellor? Someone to work/talk through it with.

It sounds as though you appear to everyone else you are fine but deep down are not. I have not been cheated on but I can imagine it would take years to fully move on from not only a marriage but a cheat. Don't be hard on yourself.

I work with a guy who has recently left his DW and young DC because he wasn't happy - no OW as far as I know so not the same as you Rainy

He says that him and his exDW are better friends now, that everyone is a lot happier, that his dc are Ok with it. I don't say anything to contradict him because who am I to say it but deep down I think you are fucking delusional.

LyingWitch absolutely isn't spouting shit, how bloody rude. You may not agree with her views, but for many on here she is respected for not toeing the affair/evil ow hysteria line. She's helped loads of people going through crap so wind your neck in.

My own parents separated following an affair then went on to have significantly longer relationships with other people than they'd had together.

MN is full to the brim with people in poor relationships, whether due to incompatibility, boredom, changing lives/priorities or because of ill treatment or abuse. Not one of these people is encouraged to stay when they're not happy.

Yet the only acceptable affair narrative is evil ow breaking up loving, happy relationship.

Their isn't a template. Just as all marriages are different, so will all affairs be. OP, I'm so sorry you've been through this heartbreak. The people who know and love you will be fully aware of the truth, anyone else just doesn't matter.

...He was actually talking about a friend of mine.
Myheart My ex did soething similar. We knew a couple who had problems in their marriage. My ex had a drink with the husband, who moaned about certain things his wife did - and my ex then said I did the same things. The husband must have then told his wife that we had the same problems as them. I knew nothing of this at the time (read about some of it later in his emails), but was talking about my actual problems to the wife, and she kept giving me advice that did not fit with what I was telling her - stuff that applied to her marriage. I wondered why she assumed we must have the same problems! Have nothing to do with any of them any more, thank goodness.

Rainy, their subconscious knows what little shits they have been, so is working overtime papering over the cracks and making them feel like lovely people again. Cognitive dissonance makes us all do this. But you don't have to suck it up. I don't expect you to smile and get over it. How about smiling - laughing - and saying "Of course you know that's all a load of bollocks"?

I received a reply from her sister telling me to pull myself together and get over it.

They pretty much all do this I think-and some of them believe their own versions of what happened as to do otherwise would mean that they would have to confront the fact of their own shoddy behaviour
It's horrible and I sympathise.

I very much struggle with the version of events that my stbexh gives of his account of the affair he had with my then best friend. We were splitting up for other reasons, and it was only very soon after that had happened that the affair they had been having and the depth of it emerged. I should say that for me her betrayal is the bigger one, but my then husband did some serious gas lighting and also behaved pretty despicably.It was bad enough to find out about as it was, but to find he has given an alternative version to our friends, his family, our children, has for me been almost as bad.
It has made me paranoid about what people think of me and I feel unable to say what I feel about it as I think people will just think I am being bitter/crazy and should just get over it.

Publicly I am amicable with ex.I have to be or else the children would suffer. But that almost gives credence to his nice guy act, and that gauls me massively.

I feel quite sick whenever I have to see him-which is frequently. I feel massively anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks (for which I take medication and am attending CBT) when I have to see the woman involved-again fairly frequently.

It's a very difficult situation you are in op...I can wholly recommend the counselling as there, like here, you can say the things you want to and not be judged.

After a few years I am definitely happier without my ex than I was for the last few years we were together. (And compared with the last few months when he was messing with my head, I was happier even when I was depressed.) The point is, though, that that only justifies breaking up. It doesn't justify them treating you like shit or sleeping with other women behind your back. That's apparently an easy point to overlook when you're in the throes of cognitive dissonance.

I'm absolutely amicable with my ex. I can hold a polite conversation with him. I'm glad his actions led to our divorce. But I despise his very guts for the way he treated us. Not because he fell in lust with someone, but because of what he did about it. Not because he split up with me, but because of how he did it, and because he has never shown any remorse or acknowledged his actions towards me and the kids.

That's it exactly raven-I can be polite to my ex but I hate the way he has treated me, and if I'm honest the way he has walked away from it with no consequences.

I know that hating someone is lithe equivalent of wanting to kill someone and drinking the poison yourself-but it's hard not to feel what you feel.

Rainy, Christ knows that women have far too many people telling them how they should and shouldn't feel and how they just need to look at things from a different perspective. As you say, we can't be bitter (i.e., justifiably angry), upset (i.e., justifiably devastated) or make things difficult (i.e., stand up for ourselves). You are 100% absolutely allowed your own truth, your own terms and your own feelings. And anyone telling you otherwise is not a friend. They only thing you need to hold onto is you and your children (if any). You're doing great.

(And agree completely with PP who say people understand much more than you think they do. The older I get, the more you see and, unfortunately, the more people collapse into their own cliches most of the time. I would polite if I heard your husband's side of things, but inwardly I would be rolling my eyes. Seen in WAY too many times from those impacted by it.)

I understand how that upset you. Those words are said to justify things and make the cheaters feel better for what they did.

What makes him feel you're happier single? Is it because you aren't a crying mess begging him or what.

All I can say is you should be happier without a cheating husband. You're worth more and if you are in the right place mentally and emotionally, you'll be happy.... And grateful that he's not your husband anymore.

In fiction, people don't usually walk away without facing any consequences, do they? Would make quite a shit story :) - that's why we like those made-up worlds where badly treated women join up and show up the baddie in front of everyone, because it's a nice dream.

I'm glad I don't have a lot to do with my ex, as it's helped a lot, but even so it took a couple of years before I didn't at some point in the day have an imagined nasty conversation with him in my head . It's hard to get a healthy balance and work out how much residual anger is normal and part of working through your feelings. (I think repressing it entirely would be no good either.)

'MN is full to the brim with people in poor relationships, whether due to incompatibility, boredom, changing lives/priorities or because of ill treatment or abuse. Not one of these people is encouraged to stay when they're not happy. '

I do agree with this, but I so wish that my xh had given some sign of unhappiness.

Particularly when dc are involved, or a long shared history, surely the decent thing would be to discuss your feelings with your spouse - so that you can work on the marriage or have some counselling together, or just so it doesn't come as an enormous hurtful shock to the innocent partner.

I could have come to terms with him wanting to end the marriage, but not the years of lies and betrayal that make me feel stupid and worthless and like I'll never trust anyone again.

And how much worse for the dc when an affair is involved? My ds asked how many breakfasts, evening meals, bike rides, days out, cricket matches, sports days his dad might have attended if he hadn't been busy having an affair.

I don't know whether he was unhappy or not. If he was, he hid it well. If he wasn't, it was the usual story of him being tempted by a younger woman and hoping he'd never be found out.

What I definitely know is that we'd never discussed separation, spent time together, slept together, laughed every day - but that's not the story he's telling now.

In charitable moments I wonder if he lied convincingly to ow - in which case I can't really blame or hate her - but then I think surely no one is daft enough to fall for 'my wife doesn't understand me'. I suspect they don't care or pretend they believe the nonsense so they can sleep at night.

I've seen many people say they're happier after their OH's affair ended their marriage but it's always 'now I don't have a cheating bastard in my life' or 'now I don't have to deal with uncertainty and lies'

I have never seen anyone say: 'My marriage ended because my OH had an affair but I saw it coming so it wasn't that hurtful. It was right for both of us, really. Life and relationships are complicated after all.'

That argument always comes from the cheating side.

I think people do this to normalise their relationship.
My dad dumped my DM for the OW; I remember being somewhere with people who only knew him and OW as a couple, not my DM. They had told everyone the 'we met, fell in love' line without mentioning the family they destroyed and the pain they caused. History gets rewritten because people don't want to live with the memory of what they did.

It's just another crap thing a cheater does to make themselves feel better.