Spoke to an ow and it really upset me

[RainyApril]

I knew that a work colleague had recently left her dh for her affair partner, and that they had been conducting their affair for five years before leaving their respective partners to be together.

She talked about how happy and in love they are, and about how they are still amicable with their spouses, who completely understood and were unsurprised when the affair came out. She said her xh is still a good friend as he has their two dc, and she can call in whenever she wants.

I am currently in her xh's shoes in that my xh is living with his ow and we are amicable, but I am far far from ok.

The conversation really upset me. It might all be true but I strongly suspect her xh is less 'fine' than she thinks he is. I can obviously empathise with him.

But it also made me wonder if my xh is rewriting history and telling everyone that I was ok and unsurprised. So I asked him and he admitted it was! They have told people our marriage was over, that we were waiting to separate, that I was ok about the affair and am happier single than I ever was married.

None of this is true. I don't know why I'm posting except maybe to rant here rather than in rl, and maybe to warn other women who are on the brink of becoming an ow, or people listening to the successful ow's love story.

Raven absolutely nailed it in the bit about not being sad it ended but the way it ended and the nasty, selfish, thoughtless way that having an affair shatters the marriage.

The affair person seems always to head off with no remorse and never looking back. The person left has to usually keep everything going (kids etc included), pick themselves up and adjust to a new reality. And all whilst not being bitter as that 'isn't good for the kids'

So when the whole 'we are all better off because I had an affair' line is trotted out it really is such bollocks and anyone who has had close dealings with someone who has been left due to an affair will understand.

I get angry at tv shows which seem to paint affairs in almost a romantic, star-crossed lovers kind of way. Errrrr no!!!

My ds asked how many breakfasts, evening meals, bike rides, days out, cricket matches, sports days his dad might have attended if he hadn't been busy having an affair.

This is so very sad for your darling son. It sounds like it was a long term affair. All that plotting and planning behind you back, I'm not surprised you find it hard to trust again.

So many in affairs do sacrifice family time, because they lie to spend time with their OW/OM.

I think affairs are a very immature way of handling a situation and complete lack of regard for the person you made vows to.

I will never say to stay if you aren't happy, but discuss it first.. Or leave first.

An affair is a reflection of the cheater, not the betrayed spouse.

If you'd asked me before his affair started, I would have said that I was the one who had the worse deal in our relationship. That it wasn't perfect because of his workaholism, because he put me and the kids last and his friends and work first, so we often spent time waiting for him to get home, having to make alternative arrangements, swallowing our annoyance. But it was always because he didn't realise, had forgotten, didn't know, just couldn't help it, so I couldn't really complain as it wasn't his fault. He never complained about anything to me - none of the things, for example, that he complained about to OW which actually had some basis in fact, and obviously none of the total, outright lies.

We too were still sleeping together, though he claimed otherwise as the OW might have found it a bit disgusting, presumably.

After several months of the affair he came up with the "love you but not in love" classic, citing various other dubious "reasons" that I didn't find in his emails to OW, presumably as they really were dubious and wouldn't have sounded as clearcut. Even then, before I'd worked out what was happening, I couldn't get why he was presenting me with this fait accompli "you made me fall out of love with you when x happened two years ago" but hadn't mentioned anything at the time. I would say that it was all reasoning that took place in retrospect.

The thing is, this reasoning does really go on a lot in their subconsciouses I think, and they do really end up believing it themselves. Whenever I pointed out inconsistencies in his stories my ex was honestly confused.

Mine gave the 'we're not having sex' story to the ow too. We were trying for another DC

I'm sorry so many of you have been through similar, it really is shit.

I met xh's brother today - I still see quite a lot of his family. His brother said that now I'm over it we should all be able to attend family events together. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for that but I suppose I'll look unreasonable if I say no.

"I'm absolutely amicable with my ex. I can hold a polite conversation with him. I'm glad his actions led to our divorce. But I despise his very guts for the way he treated us. Not because he fell in lust with someone, but because of what he did about it. Not because he split up with me, but because of how he did it, and because he has never shown any remorse or acknowledged his actions towards me and the kids."

Oh God, this is absolutely how I feel about the exW and her affair. I loathe her.

God forbid I show her that, of course, because that would be down to my pettiness/jealousy/self-centredness/inability to move on (pick one to your taste) and not at all justified by her actions.

It's been 5 years now and I'm civil, but I've never had a truthful explanation. Never been allowed to vent my feelings to her or had an apology. I was expected to play nice with the prick she no doubt sucked in the marital bed she shacked up with.

And the bullshit and lies afterwards, and the self-serving justifications - all of which I swear she's now convinced herself is the reality of it.

I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for that but I suppose I'll look unreasonable if I say no.
I'll admit that I was far too pissed off to worry about looking unreasonable when I first found out - for a while the anger dominated enough that I made it very clear to his family that I was not happy with it at all. Actually, they were all pretty nice about it nonetheless, though they'd never been that keen on me, this was the one time they surprised me. They seemed to find my anger understandable. Have you actually tried (if you can) saying things like "No, I'm not over it and I don't want to see her"? If you hide your feelings entirely, they really might just not know how you feel.

That vile and heartless, shaming, comment/text from her sister seems to have set you on a path that isn't helpful OP.

It's entirely up to you how you respond to the heinous thing he /they have done. If you want to rant then go ahead - what difference does it make. They have made you a devise for their drama.

Well fuck that. I can't help thinking all this repression isn't good for you. Perhaps it's time to tap into The Rage..

Exactly, however you react, they have their own story about it, and they're going to stick to that, making you out to be the baddy/idiot/frigid ex, whatever you actually did or do. Might as well just react as you like, then you can make up your own story later on about how it wasn't like that at all and you were perfectly sensible!

I agree with springy and raven . In less enlightened times you would have been encouraged to hit the roof ( and the ex and his mistress if you felt like it) i am thinking of some of the episodes of coronation street from when i was a child ! God help you if you messed about with someones husband . Elsie tanner or ena sharples would have well and truly marked your card for you. . And the ordinary person in the street would think you were justified and applaud you for it. They would be judged for their actions and on the whole people would have disapproved and said so.
Now you are expected to sacrifice your mental health to be accepting, calm and reasonable whilst being blamed for the whole sorry mess
I must admit i hate confrontation and violence but sometimes i think we have become too enlightened.

Has the general attitude really changed that much? I have to say that when I was in my angry phase I was surprised and pleased at the support I got from other people. None of my friends or family - or his family - suggested that I was overreacting: even though I did realise that I was a bit ranty at times, that thought came from me and not them.

The only comment of that kind came from my delightful mother, who rang me two months after the big reveal. It was my birthday and I was feeling like shit, and started crying. She asked "Haven't you got over it yet?", but fortunately the rage got me and I told her that NO, of course I hadn't, and it would be a long time before I did!

I think society is still quite positive about revenge stories, for example: aren't we generally quite encouraging about women who have giant posters put up shaming their cheating husbands, or who cut all their clothes into shreds? Those stories usually seem to be presented as "good on her" stories, even if there are of course some negative reactions.

I think you're right about it being unhealthy to repress the rage, but it's too late now and doesn't come naturally anyway.

I saw a counsellor today for the first time. She said I'm stuck in 'shock' and haven't processed it or worked through it in the normal way, that I'm storing it all up so that it can come out at some future point, but a million times worse than if it had come out at the time iyswim.

I have now told his family it'll be a long time before I can socialise amicably with ow at big family events.

I can't control what they do but I do so want to be seen as dignified and reasonable, it's important to me.

I saw a mutual friend yesterday who has met up with them both. She said he talks openly about me, in front of ow, in a very positive way. She attributes it to me not doing anything that would have annoyed him and said it visibly annoyed ow. So there is that small consolation I suppose.

Privately would like to do some legal no-consequences revenge though😀

My BF was the OW. She repeated the marriage is dead line, waiting to separate etc, she seemed to revel in the deception.

I felt dirty after seeing her, she's not the person I thought she was. We're no longer close.

I met xh's brother today - I still see quite a lot of his family. His brother said that now I'm over it we should all be able to attend family events together. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for that but I suppose I'll look unreasonable if I say no.

Fuck these MEN who tell us how we should be feeling and what we should be doing. You are divorced and so not officially part of their family - not your choice, his. They now have OW as your replacement for their family events. That's how it works. You are not there to play at happy families to make everyone else feel better - fuck that!

I have now told his family it'll be a long time before I can socialise amicably with ow at big family events

WHAATT!! They expected you to be there at the same time as OW? Of course, I wasn't thinking - in my case Ex and OW lived abroad, so I was invited to "family events" because they wouldn't be there. Had they lived here I am sure I wouldn't have been invited.

I went to one over the Christmas period during which he rang from abroad to speak to his family and the DC. One by one they all went to the phone and spoke to him - apart from me. It was so uncomfortable. I refused to go again. I would visit MiL separately but am afraid I offended everyone when I wouldn't go to a niece's wedding. I just said no. I was told I was being silly, that I would have to attend my own DC's weddings one day - but I just said no. I didn't go (DC went) and they gave up asking me.

They really thought I could carry on being the Aunty, SIL and DIL I had always been as if I hadn't been horribly hurt. His mother even visited him abroad and came back telling me that he seemed happy and his new wife seemed very nice. Well that's all right then. No it ISN'T.

Stop concerning yourself with other people's lives,

Nobody except the people in the marriage know the truth, and even their truths will differ as they experience their marriage differently.

Surely the only people who matter know the truth, everyone else is irrelevant.

As it happens, my ExH and I are great friends and much happier apart than we were together.

You can't control what your ex and other people say, so don't waste pointless energy trying. Your ex, like mine, is incapable of telling the truth, because the truth would expose them as wholly responsible for your pain, and that is way too much for them to deal with. My ex told people that "Cary and I had reached the end of the road, we decided to split", which was a load of bull, he cheated, I found out, I chucked him out, and it ripped me and the kids into a thousand pieces.

People aren't daft, they will work out the truth for themselves, despite the rewritten history the ex and ow spout as gospel. When you understand that they need to rewrite history to try and justify their shocking behaviour you realise that they really are not worth thinking about and certainly you realise that you deserve better.

There is no timescale on healing, and no one should tell you that you should 'have got over it' by a certain date. Detachment, low contact, being kind to youself all help. Avoid his family if that's what you want, you do not owe anyone anything.

You'll be ok, you will get over this, but please realise that he and ow are consumed with deep guilt which they lack the guts to acknowledge. They've hurt people badly, they need to minimise this hurt so that they can attempt to look ok to others. But everyone knows, and they know this too, deep down.

Rise above it, feign indifference until you feel it. Focus on healing, and your future.

I have now told his family it'll be a long time before I can socialise amicably with ow at big family events.
Brilliant, well done.

beingsunny it is the OP's life if you'd actually read the thread?

So glad your xDH and you are friends, did either party cheat? if not then you can't really compare.

I've had two 'failed marriages'. One was shit from the end of the honeymoon period. Stupidly, I had set myself a 'life plan': marry mid twenties, first baby late twenties, second baby early thirties.
Unfortunately I missed out the bit about finding the right man!
He was sexy, great body, humour, and seemingly adored me. Proposed almost immediately in a totally unromantic setting. I accepted, then paid half for the ring!

Sorry........ there is more.
We married quickly. He then began to refuse to do any household tasks, and would only consider holidays/outings that were related to his hobbies.
I expected that a baby would change things.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I asked him to leave when DD was 18 months, due to his complete inability to be a father or husband. He left for a month, then begged me to reconcile. Flowers, tears, promises. Blah.
I took him back. We moved house, and DD2 arrived.
DHLT (DH lazy twat) moved to the spare room because babies cry apparently. He also started to work away. A lot.
When DD2 was 6 months old I found solid evidence of an affair. He handed me his phone to check if he was telling the truth about his night out. He had forgotten to delete the texts to OW.
DHLT then lived with a friend for a few months, but I allowed him home for some stupid reason. However, I had checked out of the marriage already.
I was working full time, plus studying and being primary carer. My studying involved developmental psychology. I realised I had to leave him to let my girls have fulfilling relationships one day.
I got my shit in order, and we eventually divorced.
After this he developed a condition which was significantly debilitating. It was long after.
However, apparently I left him because of his disability! Because I understood that 50/50 care was best for children, I was accused of abandoning them. His DM saw me as some evil witch who had intentionally broken her son and swanned off. His DF knew better, thank goodness.

Marriage 2. I loved him. We were great - rarely argued. We were happy, 5 kids between us, and they all got on amazingly. Life was good, but we were hit by some really shit life events. We held together through everything. Spoke daily on the phone. It never deteriorated.
There was one incident where I noted his phone streaming porn, hanging from his pocket. The kids were in the room, so I removed the phone to a high place, took him to one side, and expressed my feelings.
He denied it! WTF? It took many attempts to obtain a confession, followed by accusations of belittling him.
The following day he dropped our little girl at my Mum's, and left us. That was it.
I was heartbroken, baffled, broken.
He told everyone that I was 'mental', and 'abusive'. He'd ghosted many other exes, and said the same.
How do you not fall apart when someone destroys everything you believe in?

I know more about red flags now, but still wonder how the fuck he threw away so much with no thought whatsoever.

Some men...........????

Oh loved how awful. You have really been through the mill. Hope your future holds great times x

In fiction, people don't usually walk away without facing any consequences.

Actually, ravenmum, it depends what sort of fiction you read or other kind of arts you're into - I remember watching Monteverdi's opera L'Incoronazione di Poppea when I was a teenager and being quite perturbed by the storyline. (Basically it's about the Emperor Nero dumping his missus and installing his glamorous OW as queen). This has reminded me I need to explore my Kindle repertoire more deeply.

RainyApril I would have replied to that text with 'I think I'm already a fairly together person, thanks. Your concern is much appreciated.'