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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need talking down, gone from devastated to fuming

64 replies

Notanotherstickerbook · 04/07/2017 16:03

In a nutshell DH has MH issues that I supported him through. I recently found out these issues magically disappear when he is shagging other women, infact the messages he sends them are lovely if a bit graphic/nauseating in parts. I was gutted, I am emotionally on the floor. I let both him and the main ow (there are a few!) know that I knew. I was polite about it, basically told them I'd seen the messages so game was up. She denied everything and had the cheek to say DH was just a very dear friend and she never wanted to cause offence. He is just a dirty nasty little toad who even when caught went down the 'I have an illness' route. So I'm starting to get everything in order to start afresh on my own with the kids and while messaging an estate agent up pop yet more messages from the main ow to DH. Would you believe it, her dp has proposed to her and she said yes. Now this isn't common knowledge of course but she just felt she'd message my dh who she has had an emotional and physical affair with for bloody years. The rational 1/2 of me thinks ignore her she is just an attention seeker. The angry 1/2 of me wants to send a printout of all the filthy conversations she's had with my DH during our marriage to everyone she bloody well knows beginning with her husband to be and ending with the entire congregation at the bloody church she goes to every Sunday. I have come off Facebook as the desire to put a status update on there congratulating her on the opportunity to shag a husband that's actually hers is overwhelming.

OP posts:
loveslipstick · 04/07/2017 16:05

I actually think you should tell her oh.... why should he be lied to? Poor guy! She and your dh are arseholes

ThomasRichard · 04/07/2017 16:07

Is she a 'friend' or does she just have very poor privacy settings on FB?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 04/07/2017 16:08

I so would...I like a bit of direct action.

NellieFiveBellies · 04/07/2017 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mykidareMAD · 04/07/2017 16:13

I say go for it! He deserves the truth about who he's marrying and she deserves the exposure! Whilst I take my hat off to the dignified souls who take the high road and don't expose rats for what they are (and it is the classier option), the truth is, it our decency that enabled these horrors to keep behaving in a disgusting manner with no comebacks. I thought your Facebook message was funny but you could just contact her fiancé privately if you don't want to be the days gossip. But bollocks to her and your STBXH. And Flowers for you...x

sunshineandhail · 04/07/2017 16:14

You:
Congratulations on your engagement. I have printed out copies of your conversations with my DH and I am going to send them to your DP.

OW:
We are just friends, there was nothing to it.

You:
Well, we will let your DP judge that for himself eh?

Grin
FlyingElbows · 04/07/2017 16:16

I think your plan sounds great! Ok in the grander scheme of things it might not be you're remarkably strong to be able to resist. I'd be hitting "send" left right and centre.

user1497997754 · 04/07/2017 16:16

I agree with loves lipstick....for the sake of her poor soon to be husband...I would def want to know as that would give me the opportunity to walk away with some dignity if I found out afterwards I would be devastated. I am sorry about your situation ....honesty is always the best policy

misit · 04/07/2017 16:19

What a lovely change this thread makes. Usually it's everyone telling you to keep the moral high ground.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers OP, do your worst.

Notanotherstickerbook · 04/07/2017 16:19

The whole sorry story unravelled because as well as laptops we have a tablet device. When I tried to message someone on FB using the tablet a load of messages to people I didn't recognise popped up and it didn't take a genius to see they were all women. I looked through the messages and they spoke for themselves really. Not exactly tech savvy and neither is DH. She isn't a friend on FB to me or in real life. How she knows DH is very identifying so won't go into that. Thought after being caught out the pair of cheats would text each other so this smacks of rubbing my face in it really.

OP posts:
MummysMaison · 04/07/2017 16:20

I would tell him as I'd like to know if it was me in that situation.

notanurse2017 · 04/07/2017 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upperlimit · 04/07/2017 16:24

Fuck it, do it, let the chips fall where they may.

FuckYouLinda · 04/07/2017 16:26

Tell the poor cunt what a cheat he's proposed to. He deserves that at least.

lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 16:27

I think more women should speak out in these situations.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 04/07/2017 16:28

I would tell the husband but not yet. I'd wait until you've got the right intention - to warn him, not punish her.

Obviously she's vile but by doing it in such a way you'd humiliate her husband who as far as I can tell, doesn't deserve that.

So sorry about your soon to be XH.

You're a very strong woman.

sunshineandhail · 04/07/2017 16:29

By the way, his health issues are no longer your problem. Let one of his OW be there to support him. When he cheated on you he broke the marriage contract. Now it is null and void.

luckylucky24 · 04/07/2017 16:29

I think he deserves to know before he makes the mistake of marrying her!

Justhadmyhaircut · 04/07/2017 16:29

Tell him - unanimous on here it seems!!

Magpie18 · 04/07/2017 16:30

Do it, without hesitation. Good luck & happiness to you & your children - well rid!

Notanotherstickerbook · 04/07/2017 16:30

Just so you all know they plan to get married 'quietly' (whatever that means, possibly if nobody hears the wedding vows she doesn't have to stick to them) sadly her adult children will be overseas so can't attend BUT she will throw a party before Christmas. Sounds lovely doesn't it. Her head is 'all over the place' she is just so happy. I'm trying to calm down but am actually getting more and more livid. Will sleep on it then decide what to do, don't want either of them to see it as the 'pick me dance'.

OP posts:
BloodWorries · 04/07/2017 16:32

My thoughts are always the same in these situations. If my DP was cheating on me I would want to know.

Let the poor man know before he spends a fortune on marrying his cheating partner.

BloodWorries · 04/07/2017 16:33

So much for helping to talk you down though, I think everyone is egging you on.

Don't do it in a horrible way though, this man is probably as clueless to their affair as you were op. Message him privately if you can, with screenshots of the messages. Then afterwards if you still want to, then out her on social media (but maybe not).

reuset · 04/07/2017 16:34

It would be a kindness to let him know.

lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 16:35

^^ What blood said about doing this privately first. Remember, this guy has no idea. How would you have felt if you'd found out in public? You can maybe decide, the pair of you, how you handle it on social media. Two-pronged exposee, maybe?