I need talking down, gone from devastated to fuming

[Notanotherstickerbook]

In a nutshell DH has MH issues that I supported him through. I recently found out these issues magically disappear when he is shagging other women, infact the messages he sends them are lovely if a bit graphic/nauseating in parts. I was gutted, I am emotionally on the floor. I let both him and the main ow (there are a few!) know that I knew. I was polite about it, basically told them I'd seen the messages so game was up. She denied everything and had the cheek to say DH was just a very dear friend and she never wanted to cause offence. He is just a dirty nasty little toad who even when caught went down the 'I have an illness' route. So I'm starting to get everything in order to start afresh on my own with the kids and while messaging an estate agent up pop yet more messages from the main ow to DH. Would you believe it, her dp has proposed to her and she said yes. Now this isn't common knowledge of course but she just felt she'd message my dh who she has had an emotional and physical affair with for bloody years. The rational 1/2 of me thinks ignore her she is just an attention seeker. The angry 1/2 of me wants to send a printout of all the filthy conversations she's had with my DH during our marriage to everyone she bloody well knows beginning with her husband to be and ending with the entire congregation at the bloody church she goes to every Sunday. I have come off Facebook as the desire to put a status update on there congratulating her on the opportunity to shag a husband that's actually hers is overwhelming.

Sorry! I posted hastily earlier and should have said I am sorry to hear of your shitty situation.

PoorYorick - these circumstances are unique. This OW is one of many. Most of them knew nothing about me or the kids and they are as hurt as me, how do you trust your next date after finding that out. Two knew about both me and the kids and have been doing much of the chasing. Now I'm not deflecting blame, DH did not accidentally fall over on top of them. I am livid because he's been treating me like dirt then living it up with other women. I get not all affairs are the same. I'm justifiably angry though as when caught out DH has said it's an 'illness' and this particular OW seems to want to rub it in for a bit of drama. The other OW who knew about me (and I considered a friend) has at least had the common decency to avoid me. I'm not some monster wife who has driven him to this, quite the opposite. I've put up with his 'illness' for years, as well as shagging other symptoms include dislocating my shoulder / headbutting me in the nose and screaming into my face that he hates me and I'm nothing special (I'm not either, one of the OW who is actually a nice woman also looks like a bloody model) All these OW have done me a favour in a way but I would rather not have my face rubbed into what a mess my life is right now. It's got a lot off my chest this thread and I do feel better for it.

what a horrific thing to find out! Have you chucked him out? Apologies if I've missed that. Pls get an STI test.

*People on mumsnet love a drama

This. They don't have to live with any awkwardness or long-term consequences*

I'd far rather live with consequences than have some other poor bastard unknowingly in my shoes and married to a cheater.

It is possible to put th needs others others first.

PoorYorick - these circumstances are unique. This OW is one of many.

All the more reason to direct all your (completely justified) anger, hurt and blame on your dickwad husband.

I get that you need a safe place to vent and I hope you've found it, knock yourself out. And ultimately, of course you'll make the decision of whether to get involved in her relationship, faith community and so on. My hope is that you don't, for the reasons I've stated.

If she wants drama, ffs don't give it to her. She'll delight in telling her fiancé that you're crazy, bitter, anything that supports her narrative. The only way to win is not to play. The only way to make her the pathetic irrelevance she is to your new, free life is not to play.

I'm not some monster wife who has driven him to this, quite the opposite.

Absolutely, I don't think anyone has suggested that. You've been shat on from a great height and I'm very glad you and your kids are getting out of there. Look after yourselves, you are the only ones that matter.

Her marriage could have dire financial consequences for him..it happened to a man at work, long term partner and they married, a couple of years later she revealed the affair (was also pre marriage).
Due to marriage he lost pension and now will be working much later in life.He believes she married with that as the motive.

I'd let her fiancé know - not through Facebook or any other social media, but through a phone call or face to face. All I know (and I wish someone had told me) is that I'd rather be in full possession of the facts before I tied my life to someone who thought it was ok to cheat on me.

I wouldn't tell her fiance. She was one of a few OW, so I just don't think it's worth it, making an enemy like that. Your H treated on you with her and with others so she didn't ruin your marriage, he ruined it, so if you tell her fiance she will really be sending you negatives.

I'm very sorry to hear your situation. It's a horrible shock.

Have just finished reading the chump lady's book - leave a cheater gain a life. Highly recommend - lots of very practical non nonsense advice. Worth a read.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

I wouldn't tell her fiance. She was one of a few OW, so I just don't think it's worth it, making an enemy like that

I'd rather take that risk to give another innocent person the fact needed to avoid having his life ruined too. Far more important than any possible consequences.

Tell him, privately and avoid social media as much as possible. He has a right to know what his fiancée is up to.

Your husband sound like a complete arsehole, well done for putting yourself and your children first and no longer putting up with this crap.

See it as a good thing you've found out and use it as a catalyst to get rid of the tit and be happy and treated better.
I would send a picture of the conversations to the ow soon to be husband,pack your twats stuff up,text him and tell him to be gone and that you have evidence and want rid asap.
Stand up to him.
Even if your not feeling strong and in control on the inside show that you mean business in the outside.
He's obviously been getting away with this for too long and will continue to do so if you let him.

See it as a blessing in disguise.
Everything happens for a reason x

Out the bitch!! Her husband to be (and their friends and family)deserve to know what she is really like.

Why do some 'women' go after other peoples husbands?! Vermin!

Hugs to you !!

Tell him. Her stbdh has a right to know what kind of person.he in marrying. It's then upto him if he stays with her or not. The cheek of her still messaging your dh wud be a deal breaker for me and I'd be screenshotting and sending all mags to her fiance