Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need talking down, gone from devastated to fuming

64 replies

Notanotherstickerbook · 04/07/2017 16:03

In a nutshell DH has MH issues that I supported him through. I recently found out these issues magically disappear when he is shagging other women, infact the messages he sends them are lovely if a bit graphic/nauseating in parts. I was gutted, I am emotionally on the floor. I let both him and the main ow (there are a few!) know that I knew. I was polite about it, basically told them I'd seen the messages so game was up. She denied everything and had the cheek to say DH was just a very dear friend and she never wanted to cause offence. He is just a dirty nasty little toad who even when caught went down the 'I have an illness' route. So I'm starting to get everything in order to start afresh on my own with the kids and while messaging an estate agent up pop yet more messages from the main ow to DH. Would you believe it, her dp has proposed to her and she said yes. Now this isn't common knowledge of course but she just felt she'd message my dh who she has had an emotional and physical affair with for bloody years. The rational 1/2 of me thinks ignore her she is just an attention seeker. The angry 1/2 of me wants to send a printout of all the filthy conversations she's had with my DH during our marriage to everyone she bloody well knows beginning with her husband to be and ending with the entire congregation at the bloody church she goes to every Sunday. I have come off Facebook as the desire to put a status update on there congratulating her on the opportunity to shag a husband that's actually hers is overwhelming.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/07/2017 16:39

copy paste... SEND x

JaneEyre70 · 04/07/2017 16:39

He deserves to know before he makes a commitment to her. I wouldn't normally advise this, but under the circumstances you are more than justified!

iseenodust · 04/07/2017 16:42

You do not need talking down, you are justifiably fuming. I wouldn't go for a FB expose but I would be sharing them with a few close friends and letting it become public knowledge.

PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 16:42

I'm really sorry for everything you're going through and I'm sure your new life will absolutely kick ass, as do you.

I don't think her relationship is any of your business, and I think as long as you peg your happiness on what's happening to her, you'll never be truly free of her or your rat of a husband.

hter · 04/07/2017 16:46

It's not about moral high ground. It's about letting it go. Don't do it just to hurt her, I think you'll regret it.

And what if he already knows some version of it and they just mock you?

VestalVirgin · 04/07/2017 16:49

I would tell the husband but not yet. I'd wait until you've got the right intention - to warn him, not punish her.

I wouldn't wait, for the simple reason that they plan on getting married and that could happen before the OPs intentions have changed.

As long as she isn't planning on dramatically revealing the cheating at the other woman's wedding, all is well.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/07/2017 16:51

I'd tell her soon to be dh, he needs to be aware before making such a massive legal commitment to her.

Was once told by a woman how she found out after her wedding her H had been having an affair and the awfulness of having to wait two years to get divorced from him.

Do it to save him the pain not because you give a shit about what happens to ow.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer and make your stbxh regret his treatment of you.

VileJelly · 04/07/2017 16:52

I actually think that, morally, the right thing to do is tell her partner. Especially if they are planning on marriage. The truth will set you free.

Keeping your mouth shut doesn't equal "dignified". It just means that get away with their disgusting behaviour, making a mockery of others.

There's nothing wrong with being honest about the situation and informing people who deserve to know

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2017 16:53

You will gain absolutely nothing by trying to humiliate her to all of her friends and church. It's time to calm the fuck down. How we conduct ourselves is the midst of a shit storm shows our true character. Think about the example you want to give to your children. Lowering yourself to her level with solve NOTHING.

CardinalCat · 04/07/2017 16:57

Don't do it. People on mumsnet love a drama and while it would make for a great thread if you went postal on her facebook, you have your life to live and DCs who you need to be setting a good example for (since their father seems to be sadly lacking in that department.).

I understand how terribly frustrating and angering this must be.

misit · 04/07/2017 17:00

Not sure how OP would be lowering herself to ow's level. Surely the only way to do that would be to have an affair with her fiance. For years.

BigGreenOlives · 04/07/2017 17:05

What about the classy 'Either you tell him or I will'?

hter · 04/07/2017 17:05

People on mumsnet love a drama

This. They don't have to live with any awkwardness or long-term consequences.

PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 17:05

She wouldn't be lowering herself to the OW's level, but she would be doing that classic thing of deflecting blame and anger and pegging her recovery on bringing OW down rather than focusing on herself and her kids, who are the only people who matter.

It makes me hugely uneasy because there is rarely an equal attempt to bring the husband down too (which is what this is really about, not concern for the fiancé) and it just smacks of blaming women for men's indiscretions and actions. Nobody will explicitly say or even realise that's what they're doing, of course, but it is exactly what it is.

If your husband has an affair, you decide whether to work on it or leave it; OP has decided to leave it, which sounds like the right decision. And now she needs to focus on herself and her new life. And running around trying to spoil the OW's life and reputation, getting into her relationship, her faith community and all the rest of it, while husband gets nothing but the end of a marriage he had clearly left already...no, it doesn't sound productive.

maras2 · 04/07/2017 17:08

He left the messages on his Ipad? Shock
So not just sexually incontinent but thick as mince too.
Sorry for you trouble stickerbook but I think you're well rid.
As for OW DP,you sound like a nice woman and once calmed down I'm sure you'll do whatever you think is best. Flowers

Original poster
Notanotherstickerbook · 04/07/2017 17:26

I posted on here because it's anonymous and a way to vent my anger in a harmless way. I know an angry post on social media will backfire on me massively. I know I can't do a thing to change what's happened. Much as I'd love to put a bloody mural on the side of her house in commemoration of what an utter gobshite she is I would also have to put DH on there too and despite being a toad he has fathered 2 children who don't need to be in the middle of a load of gossip. I will think about making discreet contact with her dh to be but I'll give it time. In my anger I never considered she could well be making the whole thing up for a reaction, don't want to get drawn into her sad little world for fear of turning into her. Thanks everybody x

OP posts:
debbs77 · 04/07/2017 17:37

Take photos of all the messages OP! Before he deleted everything

Gemini69 · 04/07/2017 18:32

She is destroying your marriage and sailing off into the sunset on her own honeymoon....

doesn't sound very fair really ...

PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 18:52

She is destroying your marriage

No, arsehole husband did that. OW was not married to OP.

hter · 04/07/2017 19:01

I'm glad to hear that OP, its best for you and your kids Flowers

Gemini, I think someone like that must be deeply unhappy, or at least massively damaged inside. Normal healthy happy people don't conduct themselves like this.

The best revenge on both of them is living well without further reference to either one.

WaitingfortheMiracle · 04/07/2017 19:10

Don't tip your hand by giving her the ultimatum of you tell him or I will, or she will paint you as a jealous wife.
Arrange to meet and tell her husband, or send him the proof, so that she cannot intercept it.
Do it as soon as possible, so that he doesn't financially ruin himself trying to give her the wedding she wants, or get so far in with arrangements that he daren't cancel.
You owe her & your ex nothing, especially your silence.
Both you and her husband deserve much better.

PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 19:12

Gemini, I think someone like that must be deeply unhappy, or at least massively damaged inside. Normal healthy happy people don't conduct themselves like this.

I really agree with this. I don't condone affairs, although I don't think they're all the same. But the one thing I really have seen constant in everyone I've known to have one is that they are really unhappy, or at least damaged in some way. Doesn't give them the right to have affairs, but it's interesting.

springydaffs · 04/07/2017 19:34

Not always damaged /unhappy. Just like a little shag on the side.

TheHobbitMum · 04/07/2017 19:48

I would absolutely let him know too! I'd want to know what I was marrying before the expense was shelled out

PoorYorick · 04/07/2017 19:58

Well, from what I've seen, people who would risk their marriages and home lives for a little shag don't seem to be running on all cylinders, or their marriages and home lives aren't as happy as they appear.

Your mileage may vary. But while I don't condone affairs, they really aren't all the same. There's a poster on here whose abusive husband attacked her and threatened to kill her animals. I don't think her affair is comparable to a dickhead cruising Ashley Madison while his exhausted wife breastfeeds their newborn.