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Original poster

Man I am seeing doesn't have time to meet me but sexts all day?

54 replies

ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 15:21

I have been 'seeing' a new man for around 3 months now, we met online. We get on really well, actually it's quite strange at times how well we get on and just how much we have in common. We had some great dates, and great sex.

Over the last month and a half he has become increasingly busy (he works two jobs, including one that is evening/night shifts). He also has a daughter that he sees every weekend. He has told me that he currently doesn't have the time to see me on a regular basis. I accepted this as him fobbing me off and our conversations dwindled.

However, the last week or so we have begun talking again, pretty much sending text messages to one another all day. They will often turn flirty and into sexting messages. I told him a few days ago that I was not willing to continue this texting 'relationship' or become a FWB, and I wanted a relationship whereby we saw each other on a regular basis. He said he understood and I deserved more, and if his circumstances were different he would see me.

But we keep slipping back into this regular texting/sexting thing. I really like this man and I haven't met anyone I have as much chemistry with in a very very long time.

I'm getting to the point where I think I should just cut all contact with him. It's preventing me from meeting anyone else properly as I keep pinning my hopes on him. Has anyone had a situation where this has worked out in the end, is he just stringing me along or should I just block and try to forget about this one?

OP posts:
HotNatured · 03/07/2017 15:25

"It's preventing me from meeting anyone else properly as I keep pinning my hopes on him"

You've answered your own question.

You know what you need to do. Bin this waste of time off and find someone who wants to spend time with you.

Hissy · 03/07/2017 15:25

married/wanker/fucking others*

*Delete as appropriate

Why would you settle for so little?

Is this all you think you're worth?

BubblingUp · 03/07/2017 15:31

He's getting all that he wants - sexting, wank material, ego stroked. He's using you. Ghost, block, delete. It will never be anything more and more importantly, now you know how he treats women.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/07/2017 15:32

I would put money on him being married or in a relationship I'm afraid.

XJerseyGirlX · 03/07/2017 15:33

He is married

MikeUniformMike · 03/07/2017 15:35

Move on. It is easy to be taken in but I'd say he's almost certainly using you, and is probably married.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 15:36

He is definitely not married or in a relationship as I have been to his flat and its obvious that a woman doesn't live with him. He could be seeing another woman I suppose, but it seems unlikely as the type of job(s) he does are very time consuming... so I do believe he is genuinely as busy as he says he is.

I think you are right and he is just using me. Really sucks when you think you've met someone that has potential Sad

OP posts:
Lovingitlovingit · 03/07/2017 15:38

Where is he when he is sexting all day long?

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 15:40

Lovingitlovingit When he is between jobs at work, and it's not usually sexting in the middle of the day... It's usually normal conversations that get progressively more flirty as the day goes on.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 03/07/2017 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thephoneywar · 03/07/2017 15:46

Rather than assuming like other posters that he is using you or has some sinister hidden life, maybe he is actually just really busy. Two jobs and a kid to spend time with. Those take priority in life.

Maybe he wants to keep the spark going and this is his way of staying connected.

If he cannot find time to build a proper relationship then kindly say cheerio and move on. Or in the mean time keep speaking to him and continue to find a better match.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2017 15:54

I would cut all contact with him. Why would you think this would ever have ended well anyway?.

Why did you think he ever had potential at all?. Great sex alone does not make any sort of relationship; that is probably all that has really tied you to him at all.

I would now completely reassess your approach to relationships and think about what you learnt about these when growing up. There may well be some stuff there that needs unlearning through counselling.

Love your own self for a change; it may sound trite but its true.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 15:54

Thephoneywar I could try to compartmentalise him and do just that as you suggested. Continue talking to him but date others at the same time. But another part of me feels that talking to him is consuming time that could be spent finding someone that is in a better position to date right now.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/07/2017 15:57

I find it a bit odd that he has time for all this texting during the day when he's at work. I hope he's not a pilot.

Perhaps it's best to ask him to get back in touch when he has time to devote to a relationship. I'm not sure why he sought a relationship online when he can't commit in any way?

Be careful with the sexting. You don't really know him so be very wary about sending any pictures of yourself.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 15:58

AttilaTheMeerkat As I said in my original post, we have a lot of shared interests and get on great. It's not all centred around sex, although that is good as well. So overall it was a well rounded pairing.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 03/07/2017 15:58

That part of you is right.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 16:01

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties One of his jobs is his own business, and he travels to different areas hence why he has time to chat during the day.

We did discuss this and he said that when he first started online dating he had more time. He has apologised and said he hasn't meant to waste my time, he genuinely likes me and he knows that this is unfair. But circumstances mean he has very limited free time.

I would never send pictures of myself, so no worries there Smile

OP posts:
OrgyofSausages · 03/07/2017 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 16:02

OrgyofSausages I have never sent pictures of myself to him nor would I. But thank you for your insightful and supportive comment!

OP posts:
JellyBean31 · 03/07/2017 16:05

I was in a very similar situation, all the reasons he couldn't see me were entirely plausible. However the bottom line was he couldn't see me and I wanted more than that so ended it.

I can't see that this will pan out the way you want it to.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/07/2017 16:05

It is possible that he stays in a flat near work during the week, and goes home to his wife and child at the weekend.

I don't believe anyone is too busy to meet a couple of times a week. He wasn't this busy at the start, it's just in the last month or so he's rushed off his feet? Confused

You deserve better than the few crumbs of himself he's giving you.

maras2 · 03/07/2017 16:07

Is this what dating has come to? Confused
Grim doesn't even begin to describe it.
I'm sure it suits some people < those with a y chromosome usually > but you don't want this and deserve better.
Get rid if he doesn't improve his dating manner.
Good luck.

Original poster
ConfusedDeer · 03/07/2017 16:08

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Unlikely as he has sent me photos of what him and his daughter are up to, taken in his flat.

There are some personal issues as well that contribute to him not being as available as he was, but I don't want to post them as they could be identifying. But all of his reasons/excuses are entirely plausible.

I know I deserve more, it's just difficult breaking away from him because as I said, it seemed like a perfect match in so many ways.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/07/2017 16:16

I think you know what to do for the best. It will hurt at first. You seem very fond of him, or the idea of him! but you do deserve better than this.

It's not a relationship as it stands now, just a few messages between you. That doesn't sound like it will change anytime soon.

You will find a connection with someone else who will have time for you but your thing with this man is preventing that happening.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2017 16:17

We get on really well, actually it's quite strange at times how well we get on and just how much we have in common.

it seemed like a perfect match in so many ways.

It's called mirroring, with a dash of good old fashioned flattery.

It's amazing how many posts where someone is being messed around royally by some bloke include this bit - how amazing, unusually well you get on, you just 'click', it's just incredible how much you have in common.

It's what messers do - they aren't in it to develop a relationship, or are interested in whether you do genuinely get on - they are only interested in hooking on, for (mainly) their own selfish reasons. So if you love Indian cinema, so do they. You like surfing, they love it. And they will compliment you and complement your way of thinking, they will aim to reflect back to you the person you want to see, and the politics/ethics/outlook you want to hear.

I don't even think it's necessarily calculated - I also think there are a big section of folk who are selfish in relationships who do this without even thinking - their version of 'getting to know someone' is simply playing most popular in the playground. They charm you.

So given the other stuff you've said OP I think there might be a big slice of that in there.