Is it me? I'm on the edge...

[troubleinparadise]

NC for this but don't often post.

Basic background: been married three months, have two kids between us (one each from previous relationships, I am 9 weeks pregnant.

Please give me some advice on whether I am being over sensitive and unreasonable or whether my 'd'h is just a horrible arsehole.

Since we got married I feel like he's just not stopped having a go at me. For anything and everything but off the top of my head: I'm working too hard/too late yet don't earn enough money (I'm a teacher);
I need to make more effort with losing weight. I lost a couple of stone before the wedding with slimming world (still not slim! Size16-18) and when I found out I was pregnant I said to him that I would try to keep it up so I don't put it all back on. However, I am really struggling with morning (all day) sickness so just been eating simple bits and pieces (some unhealthy- I hold my hands up) while I don't fancy our usual slimming world recipes. He is very much put out by my lack of cooking so having to fend for himself too! Anyway, I went to SW (with him, he wants to lose a few pounds too) and maintained my weight and said I was happy with that for the time being. He went mad at me saying I should be at least trying and shouldn't be so defeatist. I was really upset about this and pointed out how hard it is in the first trimester when you feel rotten and he told me I was just using it as an excuse! Also when I pointed out how I was two stone heavier when he met me he said it didn't matter then because we got on like a house on fire then

Other hurtful thing: I had a really bad breakout on my chin a couple of weeks ago and went to the doctors- he gave me some antibiotics and steroid cream and arranged for a blood test for me. It has cleared up mainly but there are still lingering spots that keep appearing and last night he kissed me on the cheek and made a face pointing at my chin saying he didn't want to kiss me in case he caught something from me. Now I do realise that spots aren't particularly attractive but it really hurt me and I got upset which he was the annoyed by. Now I'm so paranoid about my face and feeling terrible that earlier that evening I went to visit my best friend and her baby and was kissing the baby and thinking about whether I shouldn't have kissed him and whether my friend was thinking "eww, get off my baby"

Sorry, I know this is long.

Last thing I want to mention: he loses his temper easily - mainly if I ask him to do something or he has to pay for something. Today lost his temper with me for "starting an argument" when all I'd done I'd ask whether he had two car seats in his car for the kids then got annoyed with his sarcastic response. Following this, he proceeded to not speak to me all day - we went out for lunch and to the cinema with the kids. Including when I was dry heaving in the car - ignored me and later when he knew I was throwing up- ignored me. Is it really too much to expect him to come and see if I'm okay? When I called him out on it, his response was, "what can I do?"

Sorry again for length!
Do be honest!

I'm so sorry, he is abusive.Your description of him sounds so like my stbxh.He needs you to be wrong, everything is a power struggle so a simple comment can escalate into a rage.

Joint counselling isn't recommended mostly because counsellors aren't aware of abusive relationships so you will just feel blamed.

I recommend you read "the verbally abusive relationship" and "why does he do that".Both will help to see you are not dealing with a rational person.His anger is due to this entitled thinking, "she shouldn't disagree with me and she should always apologise"

Maybe it is a personality disorder but even if he is diagnosed can it be fixed? There is no cure only management of the worst symptoms.

I know how you are feeling, complete confusion and bewilderment.When I enforced boundaries and called him out on his behaviour it all escalated until I felt afraid of him.Even then it was my fault for feeling afraid.Its a no win relationship that gets worse.

If you keep the baby, you will be tied to him forever more. He will have contact with the child. Do you imagine he will treat the child any differently to how he treats his dd? I know you know this, but this would make me consider the situation far more deeply.

I'm sorry, OP, he's abusive and telling you what he's really like. :(

Thank you to everybody for your messages. I have gone... I am at my mum's. Not told them exactly why and all the details. Not ready to talk about it in real life yet.

He's contacting me and saying we can make this work and he is going to go to the gp and get help...

Will it ever work? Can a man really change if he wants to? I mean that as a genuine question. Does anyone know of anybody who has turned themselves around?

No.

Sorry, but this is so serious. He will never change. He'll just grind you down until you're a husk of a person. And he'll ruin your children's lives. And your children will resent you for staying with him and putting them through it.

My step dad wasn't physically abusuve but emotionally he was. I'll never forgive my mum for not leaving him. She was about to once. And then she got pregnant. And stayed. And then died. And left us in the shit.

No. He will change for a day, then use your weakness at returning to abuse you further.

He will abuse you through your child. You do need to contact the police, evidence of his abuse being on record may help you push for a contact centre when baby is born. If not wait for him to threaten court so you have to leave your newborn overnight with him.

Protect yourselves, he gave you the ammo t do it by throwing your laptop.

When I say if not, I mean if you do not get the police involved.

It is very unlikely that he will change. It is likely that he acted just like this with his dds mother. He clearly didn't change to keep that relationship together and it is even more unlikely that he will change his behaviour with you as he reverted to that behaviour as soon as he thought he had you tied down with marriage and pregnancy. He sounds like he may well have narcissistic tendencies. Please have a read up about the red flags of emotional abuse. The problem with these people is that they truly know exactly what they are doing. They can and will treat you nicely in front of other people, will even make a big public fuss of you but then are quite capable of giving you the silent treatment, sulks or gaslighting you when you are alone. Don't stay and allow him to treat you like this and in particular don't allow your daughter to be brought up in a household where she learns this is how men treat women. Believe me when I say in due course he will use the same emotional abuse towards your dd and your new baby.

If he's going to change he needs to do it away from you and you need to get on with your life without him. I doubt that will happen and you'll be much happier on your own, and so will your children. He sounds like a violent controlling bully and shouldn't be near anyone else let alone you and your child

What schwang said - if he feels he can change, let him do it from a position of being apart from you as a 'personal growth and development' thing. Funnily enough, that option isn't generally appealing to these people...

No he won't change.

I heard that many many times and he was ok for a day max then went back to his usual ways and became even worse.

After, when he got with his (now ex) wife, he would tell me how he's changed and grown up and put on a show of Disney dad and world's best husband but that ended when he carried out a particular sinister attack on her.

You've done the right thing.

He won't change. He will try. Things might be good for a few months at a time. But he will always revert. And before you know it you'll be several years down the line with a whole other set of bigger problems to deal with.

He's abusive. He's almost certainly got mental health problems. But he is in denial and frankly - you shouldn't have to deal with a lifetime of this circus - which is what you're currently signed up to.

I went back to my ex so many times, each time he promised the world. He went to the gp, he did all sorts none of it for me and none of it worked, he is the same now as he was 9 years ago, only now I don't have to live with his bullshit

Oh op, I do feel for you.

My son in law works away from home mon to fri. He's a hands on dad. Loves my dad to bits . When he's home, he cooks, cleans and they go out as a family. He's a lovely young man and I've known him 22 years.

My son is a hard worker. Loveless his kids. Puts himself last. Cooks, cleans and went out and bought his partner flowers just cos he loves her. He's a lovely man and I'm so proud f him.

My husband cooks, cleans, puts washing out, brings me endless cups of tea. He's so supportive, my rock and a lovely man too.

All these men are emotionally available.
Can you see a theme here and don't you think you deserve a bit of that.

I'm so sorry but I don't think you'll get it with that man. I really don't.

Loves my dd to bits

You've done the right thing, he's now emotionally blackmailing you to go home so he can abuse you some more after pretending he's changed for around a week. He hasn't changed in the past so why would he now? I think if you went back to him you would be miserable, he's not going to suddenly get a personality transplant and be the man of your dreams

Men who wait until youve actually moved out to say "I'll go to the gp for help" rarely actually follow through with it from what I've seen. Its just a thing to say to try and get you to move back in.

If he really wanted to change or thought he should, he would have done that back when you first said it was an issue.

Please read the messages posted here very carefully. You should not ignore this for one moment more.

A termination would be wise considering.

Ah, so he will go to the GP if you comply. Ha! Pathetic. If he were serious about changing he would be telling you he's moving out until he's got his temper sorted. But no, he isn't interested in what is best for you. Irrelevant. He wants. He wants. Waaaaaa.

Have you spoken to his ex? Did he get violent with her too? Does she know he drags the DD around?

Change is extremely difficult as his thoughts and beliefs drive his aggressive behaviour.Anger management addresses the symptoms I.e behaviour but not his beliefs.

His beliefs have developed over many years and are not a switch to change.Also his behaviour has given him benefits, such as compliance so he will need to relearn how to interact with his family.My stbxh had counselling for a year but was not a specific abusers program so he was never challenged.

Lundy discusses approaches that make abusers more likely to change but it's an uphill task as his brain will have to rewire.

Well done for enforcing the boundary, and leaving.I tried to leave a few years ago but stayed thinking it would get better.He became more aggressive since I showed I would put a line in the sand but then move it.Feeling more secure about you will ramp up abuse.Feeling insecure will have him promising to change.

It's very, very difficult to change a person who shows little empathy for others.

He is vile and abusive. Unfortunately it's a classic case of it starting to escalate during pregnancy. He sounds like such a nasty person, I wouldn't have someone like that around my child

You know they never change.
Ever.
If he's seeing a doctor for a personally transplant that wont work on him..
He has showed you who he is op.

Whether to keep this baby or not has to be your decision OP but I think you should try not to dismiss the idea of termination without really thinking about what having to try to co-parent with this man will be like. He drags his daughter?! How do you feel about him potentially doing the same to the child you'll have together?

If you keep your baby you really do need to report the laptop incident and any previous ones to the police. Having a record of his abuse is pretty much the only reason the courts will stipulate supervised contact only if he does decide to hang around and be involved with the baby. He doesn't sound like someone I would want around my child unsupervised.

You've absolutely done the right thing in leaving, please don't go back. Many of the PP's telling you that he won't change, that you would be in an even weaker position and even more vulnerable to his abuse if you went back are saying that because they recognise this man. They have encountered men just like him and know from horrible experience how things will pan out if you let him talk you into going back.

You need some space OP, you need to think through your options with the baby and how you can best go about making sure he can do no more damage to you or DC and you can't do that while he's still contacting you. If he's serious about addressing his problems and proving himself to you he will respect that you need space and leave you alone and if he can't do that one simple thing it's a clear signal that he won't do any of the other things he's promising either.

I have to ask, how old is his DD and does she have contact with both him and her mum? If so do you know if her mum is aware of how he shouts at her and drags her? Obviously your priority has to be yourself and your DC but I can't help but worry for his DD too, is there anyone you could safely speak to so that she's protected as well? Could you report to NSPCC if there's no one else? Sorry OP I know you have enough on your plate but I couldn't not mention it, no child (or adult) deserves to be treated like that.

Well done for leaving! You are obviously a strong, intelligent woman - do YOU think he will/can change?
I am inclined to think a man who can treat you so badly, while you are carrying his child, and bullies his own dd is not a man you want to be married to. I do believe some people are capable of change but this is a man who has consistently mistreated you, and his child, has refused to acknowledge his faults and has attempted to blame you, his victim, for his behaviour. If he is genuine about changing his behaviour, he can do that without you. Action is what is required, not words.
My advice would be to build a lovely life for yourself and your dc...and speak to his dd's mother about his treatment of their child.

You mentioned that he "drags" his dd. Are you concerned for her welfare? Perhaps you need to report that to SS.