Is it me? I'm on the edge...

[troubleinparadise]

NC for this but don't often post.

Basic background: been married three months, have two kids between us (one each from previous relationships, I am 9 weeks pregnant.

Please give me some advice on whether I am being over sensitive and unreasonable or whether my 'd'h is just a horrible arsehole.

Since we got married I feel like he's just not stopped having a go at me. For anything and everything but off the top of my head: I'm working too hard/too late yet don't earn enough money (I'm a teacher);
I need to make more effort with losing weight. I lost a couple of stone before the wedding with slimming world (still not slim! Size16-18) and when I found out I was pregnant I said to him that I would try to keep it up so I don't put it all back on. However, I am really struggling with morning (all day) sickness so just been eating simple bits and pieces (some unhealthy- I hold my hands up) while I don't fancy our usual slimming world recipes. He is very much put out by my lack of cooking so having to fend for himself too! Anyway, I went to SW (with him, he wants to lose a few pounds too) and maintained my weight and said I was happy with that for the time being. He went mad at me saying I should be at least trying and shouldn't be so defeatist. I was really upset about this and pointed out how hard it is in the first trimester when you feel rotten and he told me I was just using it as an excuse! Also when I pointed out how I was two stone heavier when he met me he said it didn't matter then because we got on like a house on fire then

Other hurtful thing: I had a really bad breakout on my chin a couple of weeks ago and went to the doctors- he gave me some antibiotics and steroid cream and arranged for a blood test for me. It has cleared up mainly but there are still lingering spots that keep appearing and last night he kissed me on the cheek and made a face pointing at my chin saying he didn't want to kiss me in case he caught something from me. Now I do realise that spots aren't particularly attractive but it really hurt me and I got upset which he was the annoyed by. Now I'm so paranoid about my face and feeling terrible that earlier that evening I went to visit my best friend and her baby and was kissing the baby and thinking about whether I shouldn't have kissed him and whether my friend was thinking "eww, get off my baby"

Sorry, I know this is long.

Last thing I want to mention: he loses his temper easily - mainly if I ask him to do something or he has to pay for something. Today lost his temper with me for "starting an argument" when all I'd done I'd ask whether he had two car seats in his car for the kids then got annoyed with his sarcastic response. Following this, he proceeded to not speak to me all day - we went out for lunch and to the cinema with the kids. Including when I was dry heaving in the car - ignored me and later when he knew I was throwing up- ignored me. Is it really too much to expect him to come and see if I'm okay? When I called him out on it, his response was, "what can I do?"

Sorry again for length!
Do be honest!

Oh ffs why are you with the dickhead.
Why would you put up with that bull shit?
Tell him to go fuck himself and get out.
Tell the giant shit that as its your pregnancy and your body its nothing to do with him and to please piss off. He can see the baby every other weekend. Tara.

Lifes too short to have a cunt bag pull you apart because theyre insecure unhappy people

Please don't show him this thread. It will give him more ammunition and take away a place you can come for support if you need it in the weeks and months to come.

Do you believe, deep down, that you will stay in this marriage til death do you part? If you are going to leave at some point, and create a life for you and your children that does not involve this bullying, negativity and nastiness, do you think it will be easier to do that now, or once your baby is here, after you have had another year of being treated like this?

I'm afraid now someone has been bold and said it. If it was me I would be considering leaving him and terminating the pregnancy. In which case you need to act faster. If your def keeping the baby then you have more time to consider your options. I would leave him today and see how I felt by Friday. If that didn't shock him in to action re GP etc then you have your answer. To be clear, there isn't an easy treatment line for personality disorder. In a lot of ways it's harder than treating depression or psychosis because it's ingrained behaviour. In my experience your DH doesn't have it as he's only displaying this behaviour once you are married/pregnant i.e trapped, which indicates it's more likely control/abuse. Is this pregnancy planned? Is it possible he didn't want it? Is absolutely terrified? etc. In which case he needs to man the fuck up and tell you.

He's going to continue to get worse, not better.

His DD is difficult and acts up? She's struggling to cope with having been bullied by this nasty man. Poor little girl.

Get rid of him. As soon as you can. You deserve so much better.

He is abusive and is blaming you, you need to speak to someone to help you understand that none of this is your fault and that he will not change, he will never 'realise' what he's doing and change.

Personally I would not have a baby with him because he will forever have a say in your life, if you can bear it I would terminate, if not I would move far far away from him.

Can you call your local women's refuge to talk to someone they are very good at talking to women who are dealing with an abusive partner and can give you advice

If something I did or said upset my husband then I'd be upset I'd upset him, not turning it back on to him. I'd apologise and try to find another way to express myself if my point still needed making.

Yours doesn't seem to care about your feelings, doesn't seem to want to be a proper blended family and is a complete dick.

You're accepting far more from him than I would ever accept from anyone and I hope you'll realise that soon and stop pussy footing around him and tell him to shape up or ship out.

The self-diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is just a red herring; he's a cunt.

Agreed. Get away from him.

His DD is difficult and acts up? She's struggling to cope with having been bullied by this nasty man. Poor little girl.
Quite likely. And OP's poor DD will start suffering too, if she isn't already.

trouble, I agree with PPs, I think you should leave him. He's making your life a misery and he'll make your DC's lives a misery too. Sorry, but I think you should seriously consider getting an abortion; firstly because if you do leave you then have no ties to him, and secondly because he's sounds like a shit abusive dad and your relationship is not a suitable loving environment to raise children.

Trouble - just read your last post. I was married to someone like this and recently left another. The latching on to someone else criticism is a massive red flag. Both my exes did this and I was confident during my marriage that exh was emotionally abusive and realised but denied that my recent partner was.

What he says about the counselling is a red flipping marquee!! This is what your marriage will be like.

Keep posting zxx

The self diagnosing is really part of the script OP. It's a way or excusing his behaviour and a way of saying accept me how I am and also possibly a way of keeping you in your box with the "How could you leave me when I'm ill". It's all bollocks. Run before your lives are more enmeshed. He will crush you.

It sounds like you are in a really unsupportive and not very loving relationship. I got married recently and am 12 weeks pregnant. My DH has been nothing but supportive and even when he doesn't know what to do when I'm suffering from sickness, he tries to do what he can and offers to get drink/food. I understand there's not a lot they can do but they can try.

The hurtful comments about your weight and face do not sound like those of a loving partner. He needs to be a lot more understanding about how tiring it can be in the first trimester and how you just need to eat what you feel like you can without being sick!

You asked if you would be crazy to give up so easily. I think you'd be crazy to accept this as the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life. I think id leave him today. Be strong and make it clear that you are not going to spend your life with a partner who is unsupportive and horrible to you! You are carrying his baby and if he's not treating you nicely now whilst you're pregnant and newly married, when on earth will he?! Is terminating the pregnancy something that you would consider in this situation?

Thank you for all the responses.

I could never terminate a viable pregnancy. Not that I'm anti-abortion. I had an abortion in the past when I was 19 and have felt guilt ever since. I'm in a position where I could have this baby on my own. I've been a single parent before and have hugely supportive friends and family so I'm not phased by not having 'dad' there. I do realise what you're saying about being forever tied to him though. That's something that I will just have to fight/deal with if and when it happens. I get the feeling he doesn't even want this baby.

This morning has been dreadful. Had a long discussion/row. Said pretty much what I have said on here to him as well as voicing my concerns about him treating our baby the way he does his dd: shouting and losing his temper with her, dragging her etc. and he absolutely hit the roof, throwing my laptop across the room, calling me a fat cunt, saying he wants a divorce... I don't deny that it takes two to tango and I am saying things that have made him angry but I'm not making it up. He is doing those things!

He just will not let go of this "it's both of us" attitude and when I won't accept that, it's me who is arrogant and in denial.

After this huge outburst he then obviously calmed down a bit and ask whether this was resolvable so I answered: is there going to be a massive change in you? To which he says: well are you going to change?

Then said: how about we go and get dressed up nicely and go out somewhere for a lovely dinner? I was incredulous. This is just crazy.

"he absolutely hit the roof, throwing my laptop across the room, calling me a fat cunt, saying he wants a divorce..."

There is no coming back from that. Hideous though it is, keep that moment in mind and remember it when he's backtracking. Give him the divorce and start your new life, for the sake of your sanity and your children.

You need to report this to the police. He's within an ace of assaulting you physically.

Get out, and do it before the baby is born and he can use the courts to control where you go.

Report to the police and get out of this relationship immediately. It reads like a text book example of an abusive relationship.

He treats his daughter dreadfully and even if he doesn't yet treat your daughter the same, she is witnessing a little girl being abused. Doesn't that give you pause?

And yes to what MrsBertBibby said about him using courts to control where you go. He will make your life a misery as well as that of your children and his.

He is ramping up his behaviour because he thinks he has you trapped, marriage and pregnancy.

I could never terminate a viable pregnancy. Not that I'm anti-abortion. I had an abortion in the past when I was 19 and have felt guilt ever since. I'm in a position where I could have this baby on my own.

Fine, but how do you feel about him parenting the new baby considering how he bullies you and his DD? All good if he fucks off and has nothing to do with you and your DCs again, but what if he wants to parent? How will you deal with him treating the new child like he treats his daughter?

Get rid. Just get rid of him. He's awful to you and now it's escalated - he threw your laptop, not his, that was deliberate. Call the police, get him out of the house.

Please don't got to counselling with him - he is highly likely to manipulate the situation and bully you further through the counsellor.

He's said he wants a divorce. Give him his wish the nasty little arsehole.

Good luck to you OP

Run op. Don't worry about the fact that you have only been married a few months. Leave and don't look back.

If I'm honest I too would terminate.

I had a baby with a man like your husband and like was hell. It destroyed me emotionally. 7 years later he is still intent on having one up on me and emotionally abused my child (I've now stopped contact)

With regards to the personality disorder, he likely doesn't have one as he wouldn't recognise the symptoms in himself to think he has one. He's game playing for sympathy or to put fear in you.

I'm not one for LTB, but you need to LTB

God LTB - for the sake of both your kids. This will only get worse for all of you.

He's getting violent. Now is the time to leave. If he can't see a problem with his behaviour then it is never going to get better.

Where were the kids when this happened?

Holy shit, I'd go nuts if someone criticised my weight when you have always been that weight what a cheek.
It sounds like he is one of those men who changes straight after marriage and becomes a belittling bully.
I'd cut my losses and run, this will not end well.
My first husband changed the day after marriage, I basically married a long haed, laid back biker and the week after he cut off all his hair, chucked his bike and started being all religious. I was horrified. It didn't end well.

My exH changed almost the minute we got married. Before we got married nothing was too much trouble for him, afterwards he couldn't be bothered to do anything for me. I was pregnant within 3 months of us getting married and stayed for the sake of the kids until I couldn't anymore.

Note he's an exH now.