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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this okay?

75 replies

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 01:56

Long time lurker NC. I really want some advice on whether I am oversensitive as my DP thinks or whether he is too unkind. I'll just give a few examples from yesterday or the past weekend, I could give much worse examples but these recent ones are good examples of the things my DP thinks are tiny and gets frustrated that I cry about or react strongly to, and I think are hurtful.

So few things my DP has done that have upset me recently:
-The other day I asked a man in our building for the code to the flats because we only have one key and are currently sharing a fob (and explained this to the friendly stranger). My boyfriend interrupts and says 'alright darling, he doesn't need your life story' embarrassing me and making me feel he is telling me to shut up, just because I am being friendly. I actually have good social skills, and don't like being shut up like this as if I don't. Am I being oversensitive?

  • Last night my partner got angry with me because he felt I was trying to rush him to bed. I suggested he cook something quicker than the kale he was about to roast in the oven for a snack. He snapped at me that I was being unreasonable and rushing him and didn't care about him being hungry because I had done an 'inadequate job' of cooking dinner. ) He does weight lifting and eats a lot, but I had cooked him THREE fillets of sea bass and sides etc. Even if I had cooked him a tiny portion I think this would have been unreasonable. He did apologise for this one yesterday. But I still feel very upset by it today. I've shared that with him, that I feel upset but I know he's apologised but i think we both need to try to be kinder to each other. I've texted him (he's away with family) and he's angry that I've brought this up when it's technically his birthday (texted just after midnight). So rather than him accepting responsibility I have ended up apologising for bringing it up on his birthday even though I immediately texted him 'oh goodness I'm sorry, happy birthday darling' etc and 'my text doesn't need a response right now'. But his only reply is 'happy birthday to me then.' as if I am totally in the wrong to bring this up again. Was I?

Thanks so much in advance for any advice and sorry if that was a bit garbled.

OP posts:
Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:00

Oh and I really WASN'T insisting he came to bed with me. We rarely get to spend a night together in the week (I'm not moving in full time until August) so I might have hoped for that, but was actually just trying to be helpful.

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 01/07/2017 02:01

He sounds awful. Does he ever make you happy?

Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:07

Total dripfeed sorry but it was my birthday last weekend and he said something clumsy about how if I did a certain thing at the gym (pull ups, if it's relevant - I am already fit and into the gym but he is more knowledgeable about it I guess) my body would look better. I didn't like that phrasing and said I felt like he shouldn't be looking for me to improve my body and was looking for him to reassure me and take it back and be kind to me. Instead he proceeded to have a massive go at me in the restaurant for being sensitive. I can't remember what he said but it felt very much like being told off. Later on the way home the argument escalated and he raised his voice slightly and so did I slightly. He then turned around to me and told me very firmly as if to a child 'I am not going to be shouted at. That is your only warning.' But really I think he raises his voice more than me. I don't know. These are just examples from the past ten days. I am moving in next month and I am worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:09

Yes. He says lovely things, usually gives me a lot of affection, intellectually we connect, we laugh together a lot, he is great in bed, can be very loving. Can be generous and thoughtful. But. You saying he sounds awful makes me think yes, yes he does.

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 01/07/2017 02:16

It doesn't sound like it's ok with you. So no, it's not ok. Really that's all you need to know.

Are you mainly happy and enjoying life together or are you mainly mulling over something horrible that he has said?

Whisky2014 · 01/07/2017 02:21

Em...he sounds like an arse! You are not being over sensitive and the first example is reason enough to end it. I ended my last relationship cause he always humiliated me. It's not nice.

Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:22

Yeah. Thanks it's so good to hear from rational people as I feel like I'm going mad.I think it's about 50/50. We are arguing at least once a week. But the arguments stay with me even when one or both of us have apologised. I think the thing that makes our arguments escalate is when I cry and he gets angrier that I'm upset as he sees it as unreasonable. So it becomes a vicious circle and me being upset sometimes makes him more angry and horrible -- and then me more upset of course.

The thing is he persuaded me to get a job in the city where he had to relocate for work, and now I am committed to working there at least until December. And am supposed to be moving in next month.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 01/07/2017 02:32

Oh sweetheart, I think you already know that how he's speaking to you isn't okay. The fact you're even having to ask suggests that he's chipping away at your self esteem.

Please, please don't move in with him. Even if you're tied in for work, you can always ask about other options and even if you have to stick it out, there are other ways to make it to December without moving in with him.

My Mum always used to say that if you find yourself justifying that someone "can" be nice/kind/loving, that means there's another side that you're trying to convince yourself isn't there. These things don't improve, and can't improve if he doesn't even see that he's doing anything wrong.

You deserve someone that loves you exactly as you are, treats you as an equal and doesn't get angry at you over the tiniest things. You can meet someone who appreciates you and treats you so much better, but this guy isn't that guy. Leave Flowers

Deathbycupcake · 01/07/2017 02:35

Octoberfarm

Oh sweetheart, I think you already know that how he's speaking to you isn't okay. The fact you're even having to ask suggests that he's chipping away at your self esteem.

^^ this is very true.... it sounds like he is trying to wear you down very slowly with the odd comment or remark.... be very careful. Ever heard of the abusive cliche "you made me do it" ?? Then turn around and act as though it was all your fault you made him angry you started the argument You won't let it go etc etc

Hope all goes well

MommaGee · 01/07/2017 02:38

So your relatuonshup makes you cry on a regular basis? I'm a total crier, over everything. But I can't remember the last time DH made me cry. That he then reacts angrily is even worse because he's lacking basic empathy.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:50

Together 2 years. Still mid-late 20s. No kids or anything. Thank you all so much for the comments. I'm reading them and I know you're so right. But I also feel so weak. Even though I know he's not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 02:58

These responses have really given me some confidence in my own thoughts , thank you x

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 01/07/2017 03:03

I promise you're stronger than you feel, and that you do deserve someone wonderful. Just don't forget that. Wishing you so much luck moving forward Flowers

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/07/2017 03:22

This man isn't anywhere near good enough for you.

You can get on with someone and have things in common, enjoy hanging out with them, etc. But there can still be basic - insurmountable - incompatibility issues.

It's hard to make decisions when you've started to become entwined with someone. But you really do have to find the strength to leave.

You know you can't spend the rest of your life with this person, so end it sooner after than later, for everyone's sake.

Flowers
Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2017 03:38

You sweet girl. I know how hard this all is. I hope you are now realizing that none of the good times erases the bad times. He is abusive and you deserve so much better. You two are NOT suited for each other, and a healthy relationship is not what you have. You are SO YOUNG, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle for this shit. You will regret it. Take it from an "old lady" who knows and who has lived it. Massive hugs to you.

IrritatedUser1960 · 01/07/2017 04:28

He criticised your body on your birthday then caused a row upsetting you???? if that was mine he'd be dumped already. I don't have time for that shit.
He isn't taking steroids is he? he sounds terminally irritable especially around food.

Naicehamshop · 01/07/2017 08:26

Don't move in with him!! At the very least this needs to be put on hold.

Give yourself a bit of time and space to think about this; he is not making you happy and this will probably only get worse. Imagine if you had children in the future, and he spoke to you like this in front of them? Sad

Good luck. Flowers

user1497480444 · 01/07/2017 08:29

I read something about negging recently, This sounds like it might fit into that pattern of abuse? Maybe someone who understands it better could say if they think so.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2017 08:41

One definition of negging:-

"low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.”

FraisesFramboises - do not move in with this man under any circumstances. He targeted you and he is emotionally abusive. Abusers can be nice sometimes but its an act they cannot maintain; you're seeing him for what he really is. What he has and is saying to you here is not ok. A man who is putting you down does not like you at all. Infact I would think he hates women, all of them. You need to end this relationship asap.

You are stronger than you think you are, he has made you feel weak and perhaps spaghetti headed too. And no, you are not being over sensitive either.

I would in the longer term enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you. These men can take a long time to recover from.

Arealhumanbeing · 01/07/2017 09:10

The arguments stay with you because he uses them as a vehicle for abuse. He is trying to hurt you and succeeding.

You're not weak. You're just not like him and that's why it's difficult to process what he is doing. You have empathy and insight and so you're trying to make sense of his behavior and understand him. It is as simple as previous posters have said. He is abusing you, he doesn't like women and you have to get away from him.

Also you're here asking questions and trying to get help. Again, not weak. Please don't move in with him. The abuse will get much worse and have a terrible effect on you.

Do you have family or friends. Someone you can call on for help?

Hermonie2016 · 01/07/2017 12:11

Two years it just about the time it takes to get to know someone.

I think your boundaries are good as you know this doesn't feel right but you are constantly trying to bring him back inline.

However you won't be able to do it..because he operates off a different mindset to you.It is confusing to be told by your partner he loves you but then when you need that love, such as being upset be turns on you.
Just think about that...could you ever do that to a person you really love?

Logistics over house and job will always be present in any long term relationship and I know it's not easy BUT you are a smart woman and you will find solutions.

If you say you are leaving I'm sure he will try to get you back.Read about verbally abusive relationships (it doesn't mean just name calling but using words, tone of voice, criticising etc) to control another person.

The story about the key is a classic example of trying to control how and who you speak to.He was also demonstrating to the man that he could get you to shut up.After a few years of this training he would just be able to give you a "look" and you would immediately stop talking.

What is the relationship with his parents like?

user1486956786 · 01/07/2017 12:18

I haven't read it all but any guy who is into body building , protein and kale crisps is a no. It takes a certain mind to be able to live like a body builder (butter) and unless you are into it too, you will never get each other in all aspects of life!

kaitlinktm · 01/07/2017 12:22

That is your only warning. OMG, that alone would have had me running for the hills. Your only warning - or what? It is so threatening and sinister. And he was the one who raised his voice first, but presumably that's OK. Hmm

He does not get to dismiss your feelings - you have explained how you feel and why and he just says that you are too sensitive. Good one - you certainly couldn't accuse him of that.

My ex showed traits of this (not quite as bad as your DP though) but this was in the 70s. I wish I had understood more then. He used to say "we had better stop this conversation now or I'm going to get angry" - so I used to stop. He didn't tell me not to get upset though - but I still think that had MN been around in those days, I wouldn't have married him.

You are so young and have all the hive mind at your fingertips - don't waste your life with him OP.

category12 · 01/07/2017 12:37

Don't move in with him.

happypoobum · 01/07/2017 12:47

Please don't move in with this man, you really will regret it.

You sound great and he sounds like an abusive wankstain.

Practically, can you stay where you are?