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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this okay?

75 replies

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 01:56

Long time lurker NC. I really want some advice on whether I am oversensitive as my DP thinks or whether he is too unkind. I'll just give a few examples from yesterday or the past weekend, I could give much worse examples but these recent ones are good examples of the things my DP thinks are tiny and gets frustrated that I cry about or react strongly to, and I think are hurtful.

So few things my DP has done that have upset me recently:
-The other day I asked a man in our building for the code to the flats because we only have one key and are currently sharing a fob (and explained this to the friendly stranger). My boyfriend interrupts and says 'alright darling, he doesn't need your life story' embarrassing me and making me feel he is telling me to shut up, just because I am being friendly. I actually have good social skills, and don't like being shut up like this as if I don't. Am I being oversensitive?

Last night my partner got angry with me because he felt I was trying to rush him to bed. I suggested he cook something quicker than the kale he was about to roast in the oven for a snack. He snapped at me that I was being unreasonable and rushing him and didn't care about him being hungry because I had done an 'inadequate job' of cooking dinner. ) He does weight lifting and eats a lot, but I had cooked him THREE fillets of sea bass and sides etc. Even if I had cooked him a tiny portion I think this would have been unreasonable. He did apologise for this one yesterday. But I still feel very upset by it today. I've shared that with him, that I feel upset but I know he's apologised but i think we both need to try to be kinder to each other. I've texted him (he's away with family) and he's angry that I've brought this up when it's technically his birthday (texted just after midnight). So rather than him accepting responsibility I have ended up apologising for bringing it up on his birthday even though I immediately texted him 'oh goodness I'm sorry, happy birthday darling' etc and 'my text doesn't need a response right now'. But his only reply is 'happy birthday to me then.' as if I am totally in the wrong to bring this up again. Was I?

Thanks so much in advance for any advice and sorry if that was a bit garbled.

OP posts:

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:02

Thank you everyone so much for these replies I haven't even written about much worse stuff I think he's said before.. but every time I think the next time will be better. Food is definitely an issue to the PP who mentioned it, definitely gets irritable around food but he's a doctor and quite anti steroids so I don't think he would do that.
And the thing is he does apologise. But lately I feel like it takes me getting MORE upset than I used to get before he gets to the point where he will apologise. It's like I get more and more distraught that he doesn't acknowledge how hurtful he's being and eventually maybe it will click and he will say sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:05

That's quite frightening Hermione what you say about him being able to control me more and more easily. I am scared that's already happening without me realising and my standards have been lowered. It's shocking having people call him abusive and shocking seeing how horrible you all think these things are. But it also feels really helpful to see things through other people's eyes.
If I stay where I am I will have about a 75 minute drive each way to work. Or I could rent a room near my new job. I guess I have some options.

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2017 13:07

You do seem a little sensitive, however I don't buy into the idea of being over sensitive. Everyone has a different level of things which upset them and expectations of how they can talk and it may be that you aren't quite on the same page with that.

With the examples you gave, if the neighbour was starting to glaze over then your DP may have felt obligated to intervene, with the kale why were you hurring him to bed? An adult should be able to decide what they eat and when to go to bed.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2017 13:13

I think he sounds horrible and as though you're tiptoeing around him. I wouldn't move in with him - I'd move into a shared house and make new friends.

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:14

With the kale situation I had already made him some kale myself as a snack which took half an hour. I rarely stay over in the week and we're not spending this weekend together (another issue in our relationship, he is Indian and although I've met some of his family I am not yet invited to formal family stuff with his grandparents). So on the night in question we wouldn't see each other for another week and a half, so I guess I was keen to snuggle and stuff and maybe have sex in bed, but I wasn't trying to hurry him in a horrible way. Maybe I shouldn't have hurried him but I still think he shouldn't have said that.
I'm quite a funny/enthusiastic talker but not boring I think and the conversation was literally as we were walking from gate to door or building so I don't think the neighbour would have glazed over. it reminded me of a similar time I was chatting away to a taxi driver discussing what it's like working for Uber and my boyfriend was rolling his eyes at one point and when we got out made a joke about me being 'fake'. I really wasn't being, I am just good at small talk and my DP by his own admission doesn't like small talk.

But yeah maybe I am quite sensitive.
To the PP who asked about his family, they are very, very blunt to each other.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 01/07/2017 13:15

Yes, but Harmless - no one said the neighbour was beginning to glaze over! Even if he was, there are ways of moving a conversation on without being patronising and dismissive.

As for the "this is your final warning" !!! What the actual fuck! Is he your father? Your boss? (He obviously thinks he's in charge of you in some way...) That comment alone would worry me a lot.

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:17

That's it. Maybe I am quite chatty and overly enthusiastic at times but that's also just my personality and I don't want him to try to change it.

I think he does think he is in charge in some ways Naice.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 01/07/2017 13:18

If I stay where I am I will have about a 75 minute drive each way to work. Or I could rent a room near my new job. I guess I have some options.

Or get another job.

now I am committed to working there at least until December.

How so?

Never EVER stay with a man who gives you a last warning. That's a massive big red flag right there. Especially not a precious baby who cannot take you mentioning something on his precious birthday.

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:19

I am a teacher and there are set deadlines for resignation, so you commit to at least a term. But, I could get another job easily for after that term.

OP posts:

FastAbsorbingCake · 01/07/2017 13:19

Don't move in with him. And don't let the fact that he's a doctor stop you wondering about steroids.

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 13:21

Yeah-- it does seem childish that he couldn't take me mentioning it. Thanks Alternative.

I guess he would say that I always have a problem and am upset about something, and that he thinks he should be able to have a birthday without me bringing something negative up. that would be his side of it.

OP posts:

frenchfancy · 01/07/2017 13:26

There are lots of red flags here. Please don't move in with him.

AlternativeTentacle · 01/07/2017 13:27

he thinks he should be able to have a birthday without me bringing something negative up. that would be his side of it.

He should be able to cope with feedback on his negative behaviour any day of the year. Honestly, you need to run away as fast as you can.

LilaBard · 01/07/2017 13:27

Do not move in with him. He sounds like a total dickhead (sorry. well, only a little bit sorry). LTB as I think they say around here. He is negging you whether he realises it or not. Life it too short to be with someone who makes you feel shit and puts you down all the time

LilaBard · 01/07/2017 13:30

err.... I don't know why my flowers turned into gin but have at it OP

MickeyRooney · 01/07/2017 13:31

Run. Break up with him immediately.
Do NOT move in with him.

He's a cunt.

Arealhumanbeing · 01/07/2017 13:34

Harmlesschap

Read the OP again, and her subsequent replies. Really try to take it in.

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2017 13:38

If the neighbour was fine then he was hurrying you.

As for the food I wouldn't rule out steroids either. Some medical professionals seem to feel that because they know what they are doing they can use drugs they wouldn't condone other people using.

It's not easy to say if he is deliberatly controlling, or just blunt and insensitive but the important thing is it is not ok with you it is not ok.

Bananacabana · 01/07/2017 13:49

Hi, I think you should listen to your gut. These things you're noticing and making you feel upset are warning signs. Trust yourself. They are all red flags and I would advise against moving in with him, especially because of his anger; it'll only get worse or be more frequent because you'd be seeing him more often. The thing he said about improving your body is really, really mean. I would be upset too.

As a wise and lovely person once said to me, "If you're crying all the time in a relationship, ask yourself if you are dating a human or an onion."

Hope you're okay.

ProphetOfDoom · 01/07/2017 13:57

He doesn't like women. He's making you be less of who you are. Diminishing you in front of others and curbing how you behave. All the wonderful things that make you you. Any emotionally healthy partner would cherish you. If you stay with him you'll end up wondering where the heck you've gone.

You only get one life and this guy shouldn't be your future. Again, from someone who knows xx

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 14:02

Thank you everyone, these are upsetting things to hear but good things for me to hear if you see what I mean.
The thing is right now my self esteem should be pretty good. I've got healthier and fitter lately, I've got a decent job, I've just done well in my MA. And he still makes my self esteem feel less. So how would it be when/if we had children, when my body doesn't look the same, when I'm not feeling as independent etc. Insensitive/blunt or mean comments would feel even more hurtful. I'm in a strong position right now and he's still bringing me down. I know you are right.

OP posts:

Original poster

FraisesFramboises · 01/07/2017 14:04

I am feeling worried for 'future me' and your wise replies are really helping me see that more clearly -- thank you x

OP posts:

ptumbi · 01/07/2017 14:05

That is your only warning. - And then what? He will hit you? Because you've been warned - and then it'll be your own fault?

DO NOT move in with him.

Run far and run fast.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2017 15:00

For some men, the higher your self-esteem, the greater the challenge to bring you down. As you are feeling happier about yourself, he is trying to stop that happening.

If his family doesn't accept you, I'd be very wary of having a child with him anyway. I think his family will always have a huge pull.

Time to look at the rest of your life, OP! See it as exciting rather than a problem.

NotTheFordType · 01/07/2017 15:19

it reminded me of a similar time I was chatting away to a taxi driver discussing what it's like working for Uber and my boyfriend was rolling his eyes at one point and when we got out made a joke about me being 'fake'. I really wasn't being, I am just good at small talk and my DP by his own admission doesn't like small talk.

This says a lot about his personality in general.

He doesn't like "small talk" - he believes he doesn't need to be polite and friendly to people
He doesn't believe anybody enjoys talking in a friendly way to others, hence him saying you were "fake" - total lack of empathy
He doesn't see the value in treating other human beings as human beings, especially if they are of "lesser value"

How are his interactions with, for example, waiters, bar staff, checkout operators? Because from what you've said, I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say he's arrogant and bossy.

You're worth so much more than this.

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