Is this okay?

[FraisesFramboises]

Long time lurker NC. I really want some advice on whether I am oversensitive as my DP thinks or whether he is too unkind. I'll just give a few examples from yesterday or the past weekend, I could give much worse examples but these recent ones are good examples of the things my DP thinks are tiny and gets frustrated that I cry about or react strongly to, and I think are hurtful.

So few things my DP has done that have upset me recently:
-The other day I asked a man in our building for the code to the flats because we only have one key and are currently sharing a fob (and explained this to the friendly stranger). My boyfriend interrupts and says 'alright darling, he doesn't need your life story' embarrassing me and making me feel he is telling me to shut up, just because I am being friendly. I actually have good social skills, and don't like being shut up like this as if I don't. Am I being oversensitive?

• Last night my partner got angry with me because he felt I was trying to rush him to bed. I suggested he cook something quicker than the kale he was about to roast in the oven for a snack. He snapped at me that I was being unreasonable and rushing him and didn't care about him being hungry because I had done an 'inadequate job' of cooking dinner. ) He does weight lifting and eats a lot, but I had cooked him THREE fillets of sea bass and sides etc. Even if I had cooked him a tiny portion I think this would have been unreasonable. He did apologise for this one yesterday. But I still feel very upset by it today. I've shared that with him, that I feel upset but I know he's apologised but i think we both need to try to be kinder to each other. I've texted him (he's away with family) and he's angry that I've brought this up when it's technically his birthday (texted just after midnight). So rather than him accepting responsibility I have ended up apologising for bringing it up on his birthday even though I immediately texted him 'oh goodness I'm sorry, happy birthday darling' etc and 'my text doesn't need a response right now'. But his only reply is 'happy birthday to me then.' as if I am totally in the wrong to bring this up again. Was I?

Thanks so much in advance for any advice and sorry if that was a bit garbled.

Can be slightly arrogant I guess. Generally kind and he's not a bad person. As in always buying sandwiches for homeless people when we're walking anywhere. Kind to his family and stuff. Friendly enough to waiters who are friendly to him but wouldn't make the first effort to interact if you see what I mean. Would not be outright rude though or usually complain in a restaurant or anything. He's not totally awful or I wouldn't be with him but he seems increasingly arrogant and bossy towards me.

I just wish I could stop feeling weak though. I feel every time I get close to finishing it, I get too scared or don't have the guts, or I doubt myself and think I'm oversensitive. So your comments are really helpful, thank you x

OP, does he take steroids, because if he does, or you suspect he may do, run for the hills. Please do not move in with this loser.
You are now finding out, who he really is, so wise up, and listen to him.
You sound so lovely, stay that way, because he will only grind you down, until you become a shadow of yourself, always doubting yourself, and always on edge. Walking on egg shells, isn't pleasant.🌸
Your spidey senses are already raging, listen up.

It's easy to be kind and generous to strangers you won't see again, who aren't asking to influence your life in any way. You can buy sandwiches for the homeless to reassure yourself you are a good guy. That doesn't show you can share your decision making, your home, your time or space with someone. And he can't.
Don't move in. Enquirer at the new school about a spare room among the staff and move in there. Much cheaper and safer than living with him for six months.

He doesn't wear horns or kick puppies. You wouldn't be in a relationship with him if he was a total bastard but that scenario you posted about what he'd be like once you are vulnerable - e.g. with a newborn - was chilling. Leave.

And I know it isn't easy

I'm glad I'm not the only thinking he's on steroids!!

I think MickeyRooney summed him up to perfection!

You've said yourself, bar him, you're in a good place in your life. And yet you're here questioning how much is an acceptable amount of shit to take. Massive alarm bells!

From experience, and I went on to marry my ex who doesn't sound dissimilar to your man, those red flags only get bigger. And at the same time your self esteem gets ground further and further in to the ground.

It is so very hard when you love someone and you want all their good points to be what they're like entirely. But trust me, the bad bits only get bigger and uglier.

Thank you guys I guess it's true that how you act around strangers, at work, with friends etc can be quite different to how you act with a partner full time. The thing is he really isn't consistently horrible to me or anything. But the times that he has been mean really do stick with me, so that must mean something. I keep having flashbacks to different things that are just unacceptable and which I suppress all the time when we have made up. I love him so much that if he apologises and kisses me and says lovely things then I feel better and I want the relationship to continue but I know so many things aren't right.

Like the time on holiday where he was overtired due to asthma keeping him up in the night (dusty hotel room) and I woke him up when I was getting ready in the morning and he totally exploded at me. Really unreasonably. Shouting at me, making me cry, not stopping when I cried. Same holiday I shared my sadness about not having met his family yet and he again exploded/told me off for being sensitive, ended with me crying yet again. ( I like that onion quote.) Recently again discussing an area of contention on the phone, I got tearful and he started getting cross and I asked him not to shout. He went mad, shouting 'I wasn't shouting but now I'm fucking shouting' screaming down the phone at me. I held it away from my ear and then hung up. But. In real life it would have been a lot more intimidating.

God I've told these stories to friends too - although softened them a bit - so this is totally outing. I hope no one I know reads this.

I do know this has been a huge dripfeed but it's because I mentally suppress the arguments myself. I was seeing a counsellor for a few months in the winter months and in some ways I've almost been happier since I stopped seeing her because these days I just wilfully suppress the arguments because I don't want to face up to what a dick he is. I don't think I can do that anymore though .

It's not normal for a partner to shout at you and make you cry (some people will say it is because it is 'normal' for them, but it's not).

Do you want him shouting like that at any children you have? Making you cry in front of them?

OP this is all happening when you don't live together. This will massively escalate if you do move in with him and the wider impacts will be just as destructive. Your self esteem is being chiselled away and how will you deal with your job when your confidence is being undermined? Also consider how women are treated in his family. There is clearly a issue with you being of a different culture and that is not likely to change. Think about what you want for your future and grab it with both hands - as far away from this abusive man as possible

Yes. I think there is no way it's going to get better when we live together
if it's like this now. It will surely be worse. You might be right about cultural differences. I don't know he's very close to his mum and younger sister, but he does have shouting matches with his mother I think. With his younger sister, even though they are very much British Indian, she's been raised in the traditional way to be very respectful of elders so even though she's an adult I think she is quite deferential to him and therefore he'd never have any 'need' to shout at her. I have met female members of his family but not male which I think perhaps does show the males are higher status and he is reluctant about introducing me to his dad keeps delaying. Cultural differences are definitely an issue for us.
Dowager I definitely do not want that no.

He is an older sibling with younger sisters and cousins and without wanting to be stereotypical I think that it has definitely affected how bossy he can be. He loves giving advice and being listened to and does not like when people don't do what he thinks they should.

(I am an older sibling too, I mean being an older brother in an Indian family, with all the respect that younger siblings are expected to show etc.)

Sorry that's probably all irrelevant. I guess it doesn't matter why he doesn't treat me well enough. He just doesn't.

He's fucking awful and you deserve better than this by a long shot. And please don't listen to clueless people with no insight whatsoever minimising it as 'insensitive' or 'blunt'. Giving you warnings like he's your parent or owner when you're not exactly how he wants you to be is not explained by 'insensitive' or 'blunt'. He's a horror, get rid.

Please don't move in with this man. This will not get better and you'll find it much harder to separate from him when you are living with him.

Be strong, hold your head high and tell him enough is enough. He can't treat you like this and you don't need someone who is constantly putting you down. You can do better, but no relationship at all is far better than one in which you are made to feel so upset all the time.

Tell him it's over, block his number, move on. Get your friends and colleagues to support you. Rent a room nearer to work if need be, but don't move in with him, please.

Thank you I think I do need to end it. Thank you all this has been so helpful. I started the thread in an attempt to feel better when I was fed up last night but didn't really expect it to help me see things more clearly. Thank you x.

With the examples you gave, if the neighbour was starting to glaze over then your DP may have felt obligated to intervene,

This comment is all kinds of wrong.

The OP was there. She is 100% this man's equal. She can see the neighbour and make her own judgement.

OP, your boyfriend (and 'HarmlessChap') have both demonstrated that they feel you are inferior in this situation and might be unable to read the situation properly, despite the fact you are an adult. He also (ironically being rude himself) saw it as appropriate to 'correct' your manners and tell you off in public. It is patronising in the extreme.

I am glad your eyes are being opened here. Imagine twenty years from now, perhaps tied to him by children. Imagine him assuming it's also okay to 'correct' any child you may have, right into adulthood and beyond.

Good luck with the future.

Yeah. It's not acceptable is it? But the funny thing is at the time I just get upset and can't really articulate to him WHY I'm so upset. This is making me see things much more clearly. It is being treated as inferior - that is it exactly.

Thoughts like that, of the future, are actually scaring me which isn't how it should be .

I am about five posts down on the first page and I think do not move in with this man. Run in the other direction. You sound lovely and caring and he will erode your self-esteem down to nothing. You are already apologising for things where you know you have done nothing wrong.

And I am sorry for posting without reading the full thread. But it sounds awful and you have your whole life ahead of you. Spend it with someone who deserves you.

The 'DP might have felt obligated to intervene' comment is just insane.

He is not obligated to do any such thing.

And quite frankly, if he thinks himself so superior to the OP, why is he even with her?

The bottom line is that it doesn't sound as if either of you make each other happy. The rest of your life is a long time to be tethered to someone, when the alternative is so much more appealing.

It's really not normal for a loving partner to make you cry as much.
After 'only' 2 years I would have expected the relationship to still be at the loved up stage.

In my experience couples might argue more further down the line and dh and I have certainly been more irritable and unreasonable with each other since having (young) children. Sleep deprivation can do that. Even so, he'd never police my conversations with other people or tell me what exercise I need to do at the gym to look better.

Have you read about the cycle of abuse? Because that is what your comments about him being awful and then nice and loving make me think of. You do not know which way is up, so you doubt yourself. And because he can be nice, you have to work harder and harder (put up with more) to get the nice bits. And then the nice bits get less and less.

If it is hard to leave now, just think how much harder it will be with a ring on your finger, a marital home and DC.

He sounds really abusive, please don't let him treat you like that. You're not being sensitive at all, he should be giving you a certain amount of respect and he isn't

does not like when people don't do what he thinks they should.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful from everything you have said. (And you sound lovely).

I'm chatty like you and no way would I stand for anyone policing my interactions with others.

Please don't move in with him. He will systematically bring you down. As for comments on your appearance, tell him to fuck off!!

Oh, and you are an "inadequate" cook? Cheeky fucker. I'd be boycotting HIS kitchen.