Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I've really gone and done it now

58 replies

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 18:49

I have been seeing man for 6 months.
I am 30s. He has two kids I have 1. Been happy and enjoying spending time with him.hes divorced ( a litter older than me ). We have Booked hols together / he says he loves me / talks about us long term. Anyway one niggle is that I want to be married at some point. No rush or anything but after years of being with a partner . When I discuss if he'll ever marry again he says " it's not something i think about now , I may or
May not " . I said that does he think he'd change his mind after years to come. He says he's unsure. I have discussed it a few times with him n got v non commital reply . Last night it turned into a row . I was called insure and says he may wanna break up and is ignoring me . So sad. Any words of wisdom? I know 6 months is early to discuss this but I feel in 30s it's kinda work thing one discusses. I'm not running to buy rings I just would like to know that option is available in future after years of bf/ gf.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 30/06/2017 18:51

6 months is far too early to be talking about marriage

VeuveLilies · 30/06/2017 18:53

It's just a piece of paper
It's not worth losing the right person over.
6 mths is a ridiculous amount of time to be pushing for this answer imo.

Not helpful , sorry
Lay off him, apologise and chill

bouncemeup · 30/06/2017 18:55

I think that if marriage is a desire of yours in the long run, you have every right to get confirmation from any guy you are in a relationship with of whether they see marriage in their future. In your 30s it's too late to be having relationships that just survive on a day to day basis with no long term plans/vision. It's okay if both parties are a bit blazay, but if one person has marriage in their sights and the other doesn't I don't see the point. I also feel that this conversation can happen as early on in the relationship as possible, if it scares him off perhaps he isn't what you need right now. Who knows in 5 years time, he still may not give you an answer...similarly in 5 years time he may propose, but are you able to take that risk?

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2017 18:58

I would dump him. You have different goals and besides, I don't like the way he responds in an argument. There are plenty of men your age out there - have a look around for someone else.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 19:26

Thank you guys. I know
It's early to discuss these things but I find it hurtful that he'd marry his last gf/ wife
But wth me he's totally non commital. I must stress that I've always said " in years to come"
And " if we worked out in many years". I'm
Not chasing a ring but I just wanna one day be married

OP posts:

wishingitwasfriday · 30/06/2017 19:39

If he's booking holidays with you for the future then that is a commitment. He's clearly saying that he will still be with you then. He probably doesn't want to say it's something he is considering as you might then keep on at him to get on with it.
Do you love him? If so, is marriage the be all for you? Only you know that and if the answer is yes then maybe you need to leave.

Gemini69 · 30/06/2017 19:47

People who survive Divorce... rarely wish to marry again... it takes time to recover from the wounds of divorce.. so I'm not surprised that he's reluctant to even consider 'going through that again' ... living together and being able to part ways when things go wrong is so much easier than... the trials of Divorce... so give it time...

Don't give up on him... you've only just begun x

Augustbabyyeah · 30/06/2017 19:50

My DH asked me to marry him after six months. We were married within the year.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:01

Thank you .i do love him but I also love idea of
Marriage and someone promising themselves to you. I also feel that yes a divorce is painful but selfish as I sound it's not entirely my problem. Well until now I guess ...

OP posts:

Isetan · 30/06/2017 20:12

If I had been divorced and my gf of six months was talking about marriage, I'd be wary running for the hills. Comparing yourself to his Ex wife by saying that she was good enough (implying you aren't) to marry is at best bizarre and at worst, a demonstration of immense insecurity.

You asked and he answered, he doesn't know how he'd feel in a couple of years time but for now, he's unsure. Trying to illicit a gurantee is futile.

The balls in your court, either accept that he's unsure, move on or, continue to poison your relatively new relationship by ignoring his opinion.

Josuk · 30/06/2017 20:15

His divorce is not your problem, that's true. But - with that attitude and pushiness for the confirmation of a hypothetical marriage at a hypothetical time - you will scare away normal and decent men, those scarred by their divorces.

Marriage is not a concept - it's a decision at a certain point of time by two people who decide to take that step. And - same people might or might not have wanted or planned to marry in the times prior...

You need to decide, what you love more - this man who loves you (however imperfect he may be) or the 'idea of marriage'.
If you decide on the former - I'd say - work on your relationship. 6 months is still very, very early days.
And lay off the 'marriage' talk. You made your desire known. Now - let the relationship develop.

Justhadmyhaircut · 30/06/2017 20:16

When I met my now dh I told him at the start I wanted to remarry in time. .
Fast forward 2 years and we have had a ds and a wedding..
Don't compromise on your dreams. .

Isetan · 30/06/2017 20:19

You don't sound like you care about how he feels, which begs the question, is being married more important than the person you marry?

kingfishergreen · 30/06/2017 20:22

No one can tell you what should be important to you, and if you feel like marriage is important (which is quite normal for lots of people) you're absolutely entitled to state that as a fact and to query whether he sees marriage as a future option.

His response was unreasonable. It's a 'yes', 'no', 'maybe' question and I'd expect any adult to be able to answer it in an honest way, whether 6 days, 6 months or 6 years into a relationship.

TheNaze73 · 30/06/2017 20:23

6 months is way too soon to have conversation

kingfishergreen · 30/06/2017 20:27

TheNaze I agree that it's too early to say "do you think you will marry ME" or "can you see yourself marrying ME in the future?"

But I think it's perfectly reasonable to say "can you see yourself getting married again in the future?".

Goingtobeawesome · 30/06/2017 20:31

It's not to early to ask. I asked my now dh on the day we met, we'd had contact before but this was our first face to face meeting. I said he didn't have to say he wanted to marry me but I didn't want to waste another two years with someone who didn't want marriage and kids as I had recently done.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. Hard of thinking people say that.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:32

Thanks everyone . I really appreciate your comments . The point about insecurities does resinate and I worry I am
Insecure even though on surface my friends
See me as strong n successful. I think I may have pushed him too far and spoilt a potential good relationship sadly . I just kept thinking there was an elephant in the room

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/06/2017 20:37

It's over OP. You want to be married, he's not. Let him go and don't get involved with a divorced man if you find it hurtful that he married someone before he met you.

SherlockStones · 30/06/2017 21:50

You're going to scare off men like this if this is what you do in every relationship particularly ones that have been divorced before.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2017 22:11

Your reasons aren't great, tbh.
You sound like you're insecure and marriage will "fix" it.

The talk of wanting to be proposed to and most of all this focus on he married her but not me... that's not good reasons for wanting marriage.

Not even logical: not marrying a second time doesn't mean you don't like the second person as much. Could mean you simply learned your lesson - quite the opposite of preferring the first person!

It's fine if you definitely want marriage for good reasons, to say so. And if he doesn't it's fine for that to be a deal breaker for you.

But be sure on your motives for marriage.

TBH, it is such a meaningful legal contract, that I'm surprised that so many people marry a second time when they are past the having-children stage. Well - I'm not surprised at all by the 50% of the financially weaker parties. But the financially stronger? We are having a pre-nup (yes, I know it's not binding). I adore my fiancé and whilst we are married our money is pretty much one pot. But I've been divorced. I don't intend to give my assets up if I divorce again - which isn't statistically unlikely.

If marriage were purely a business contract, the stronger financial party's legal team would be saying "you what? Jog on!"

Are his reasons financial?
My fiancé and I had a very open and relaxed conversation about that.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 22:34

The thing is, you did ask and he already gave you an answer (maybe, maybe not). I'm wondering just how many times you've pushed this subject which has caused him to say enough is enough.

You need to make a decision of what is more important and either put the marriage to the side for now and see what happens, or leave him and look for someone new.

However I will say that I think it's incredibly sad that the need for a meaningless piece of paper could be enough for you to end a relationship with someone you love/ who loves you. Why does formalising the relationship mean more than the actual person (and perhaps you should think about that answer carefully before making an decisions).

largecurrysause · 30/06/2017 22:44

I haven't read all the responses, sorry if I'm repeating anyone's response.

I married my husband after 2.5 months. We are now approaching our 20th year. We talked about marriage very soon into the relationship. So " up yours " to all the " 6 months is too soon to talk about it " responses.

I knew I wanted to marry him. He knew he wanted to marry me.

Previous to this relationship I was with my bf for 5 years. He skirted around the subject and so did I . If you know, you know. It doesn't sound as though he has any intention. Let him go and mooooooooooove on! If he said, with a sigh, " oh go on then " you'd only question whether you made him do it.

Good luck x

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 22:46

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. Hard of thinking people say that.

My view is that if you are not religious, marriage is nothing more than formalising a relationship in the eyes of the law. Being married won't make a single bit of different to the love, trust or commitment I have with my partner.
Marriage has historically been used as a contract for families to exchange land and wealth. Hardly the most romantic notion. But maybe I'm just a bit hard of thinking by missing out on the

An as aside, we are engaged but as I know it's not going to change anything in our relationship it hasn't been an actual priority.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 22:47

*But maybe I'm just a bit hard of thinking by missing out on the wonderful sentiment around marriage.

Flip

1 2 3