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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've really gone and done it now

58 replies

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 18:49

I have been seeing man for 6 months.
I am 30s. He has two kids I have 1. Been happy and enjoying spending time with him.hes divorced ( a litter older than me ). We have Booked hols together / he says he loves me / talks about us long term. Anyway one niggle is that I want to be married at some point. No rush or anything but after years of being with a partner . When I discuss if he'll ever marry again he says " it's not something i think about now , I may or
May not " . I said that does he think he'd change his mind after years to come. He says he's unsure. I have discussed it a few times with him n got v non commital reply . Last night it turned into a row . I was called insure and says he may wanna break up and is ignoring me . So sad. Any words of wisdom? I know 6 months is early to discuss this but I feel in 30s it's kinda work thing one discusses. I'm not running to buy rings I just would like to know that option is available in future after years of bf/ gf.

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 01/07/2017 00:32

You could waste years with this man if you really do want to be married in the not too distant future. It's a gamble that only you can decide on, but it will eat away at you and I don't think it means you're insecure, or are all married people insecure?

user1486956786 · 01/07/2017 02:07

I would imagine this man is probably still coming to terms with his previous separation. Not the getting over her, but I'm guessing it probably didn't end well? Maybe financially he's lost a lot? Don't think you aren't as good as his ex, if anything, their relationship has probably scarred him on the topic.

Also you say he's a bit older, he's probably seen a lot of divorces around him too over the years and is not only cautious but he's practical / realistic.

I say all this because my partner was the same. He was so burnt financially from his divorce and also their relationship was not good for years, he was so anti marriage. Now he's on board. Although since I've gotten older, I've kind of lost my interest in it! Funny how we've swapped positions 😂

Drop the topic and enjoy your time together. A good Relationship with a good man is more important than just being married. He may change his mind, he may not,

Goingtobeawesome · 01/07/2017 10:24

WonderLime - if I annoyed, or offended I apologise. I have found many times that people are very dismissive with their it is just a piece of paper line about marriage when discussing how they don't want to get married and it will make no difference. I find it very rude towards those people that see it in the bigger sense.

It's a legal document so is meaningful.

It's also an emotional act. Dh and I had been together 3.5 years and living together for 1.5-2 years before marriage but we both felt different after we married.

Now that we have children it is also legal protection I have but if we hadn't have had children I'd have been happy to have been married.

KeepFuckingGoing · 01/07/2017 10:50

Large Curry - hey, why so defensive with your "up yours" comment?

For most people 6 months is too early to be discussing marriage particularly when children from previous relationships are involved. We were just trying to reassure the OP that all may not be lost and she should perhaps wait awhile before trying to pin someone down about marriage.

I am sorry our innocuous comments about early marriage have hit a nerve, maybe you should explore that with a relationship counsellor?

happypoobum · 01/07/2017 11:05

OP do you want to have children with this man? Have you discussed that?

If so then yes I would want to be married and his lack of interest would be a deal breaker for me.

If not, then I would let it be for now. He may change his mind, he may not, but would it really matter?

Only you know whether marriage is more important to you than this relationship.

RainyApril · 01/07/2017 12:19

The statistics for second marriages are very grim. I don't blame anyone for avoiding it when they have already learnt the hard way that 'forever' doesn't always work out as planned. If their first marriage failed with 50:50 odds, why would they take a chance on 75:25?

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 16:37

Thank you everyone . Part of me just want to
Enjoy It and see what happens but I'm scared of being two years in and him saying he doesn't want marriage / engagement

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2017 16:46

How long has be actually been divorced op?

You say you've already discussed this a few times with him, to the extent it's now caused a row, and you've only been with him six months, so it would indicate you've been asking him for awhile and you started asking at an earlier stage in the relationship.

Hindsight is a great thing, but I suspect there was a better way to handle the discussion, and possibly not push so hard and often.

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 16:50

I think it's reasonable to ask early on so that it can't be personal if the other person would ever marry again.

I had a man say to me on date three ''i'll never marry again'' and I said ''well not to me you certainly won't* which he didn't like!

Now I always say ''never say never'' which is true. I would want a man I was investing in to to feel like it was a possibility at least.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 16:54

He's been divorced three years / well they broke up three years ago , in not sure on exact date the the divorce papers legally went through. But before me anyway . I was early to
Ask but to get a " I may or may not" reply seems so non commital . I wasn't saying "Marry me" .

OP posts:

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 16:59

My advice (having been a cohabiting partner years ago, had kids too fgs) is to just digest that piece of information and accept it. He has told you he won't remarry. You want to and tbh if you only have one child and you're in your 30s your a catch to men his age. You say he is a bit older. If you're happy to date a man whose older than you, with more children than you have (!) you can in very blunt terms 'do better'
I'm sorry if that takes all of the emotion out of it and reduces it to stocks and shares. But if your life plan is to remarry then there is nothing wrong with having your own agenda (plan+desires) and I learnt that from a man who had his own agenda.

Spend some time thinking about your plan.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2017 17:01

I get what your saying, but I suspect he was just being honest at first, he wasn't sure, the divorce is realivly recent, and your relationship was new,

The fact you kept pushing it, translates to him from a curious " will you ever marry again " to "will you marry me if we stay together" which is really what I think you were asking him.

Even if a person does want to get married, there really is no guarantee it will be to the person they have been dating a few months,

Why is marriage so important to you that you would push hard so early? Do you want more kids? Financial security? Is it a religious or moral thing?

Is marriage maybe more important to you than the relaqtionshp itself?

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:02

Thank you Cosmo. You are so right . I am not bothered about more kids. I would if it was right marriage n money wise but I have no longing for more kids. I'm settled in career and routine with my
Child. But yes he's got his plan of non commital outlook so I should have mine. To say "maybe" is a little pathetic imo

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2017 17:05

You want to and tbh if you only have one child and you're in your 30s your a catch to men his age

Well not necessarily. Weird thing to say, I think you'd have to meet someone to say that, she could be a catch, I'm sure she is, but quite frankly she could be the complete opposite. He'd also have to be the one who gets to decide that, generally people marry for love, not because your in your thirties with a kid and the bloke can't do better,, which is what you're insinuating.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:06

No moral or religious. I have an ok income n have own mortgage etc . I just like idea of potential life long commitment to partner at some point in future. I suppose it also indicates an insecurity too. I think it I was vey special to him he'd been keener to put my mind at rest with " if this carries on as it is for years to come then that'd be lovely ". Or something similar . The " may / may not" comment seems cold

OP posts:

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 17:10

Maybe avoids the issue which works for him. Maybe doesn't give you the information you need to decide whether or not it is worth your while investing in to the relationship because to you, marriage isn't maybe, it's yes. You need information. I think ''maybe'' means no though. To be brutally blunt again, if you've pressed him and he sees that it's in your future plans and he says ''maybe'' it either means ''no'' or ''yes but not to you''.

He owes it to you to tell you Yes it is something I will consider in the future. Or No it is not. Or yes it is something I'd consider but I don't honestly see us getting married.

Your best bet is to mention it really early! I often ask men on a first date! ''so what do you want!?'' cos it never seems personal then. You're just saying ''what are you looking for?''

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2017 17:12

. *I think it I was vey special to him he'd been keener to put my mind at rest with " if this carries on as it is for years to come then that'd be lovely ". Or something similar . The " may / may not" comment seems cold"

Ok, so read this back, you were asking him if he'd marry you, albeit in the future, but that's what you have been asking him. Have you looked at it from his perspective? How was his divorce and why did they split up?

CosmoClock · 01/07/2017 17:13

I like the idea too OP.

The idea that somebody I can trust whose company I enjoy and somebody who is supportive and loving and right for me would value me enough to want to commit, that is a lovely idea, and a goal of course. I have had a life time of men who are around for a bit.

muckypup73 · 01/07/2017 17:14

Have you thought he may still be married?

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:16

I don't imagine he's still married for a moment. I do trust him.hes very trustworthy. He's amicable with ex but not too friendly. Thy where together 13 years married 5. She left him due to his inability to cope with the stress of his job and from my perspective she clearly fell out of love with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:17

Divorce was drawn out as she wanted a greater share financially which she has and she's made a lot of money. But yes it was letters back and forth etc

OP posts:

crazykitten20 · 01/07/2017 19:29

If it's really important to you get rid of him.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 01/07/2017 19:32

He's told you the truth; he doesn't know if he'll want to marry again. But you keep on bringing it up to the point of rowing about it? It's only been 6 months, if you're trying to scare him off you're going the right way about it.

DixieFlatline · 01/07/2017 20:17

She left him due to his inability to cope with the stress of his job

she's made a lot of money

If these are things he's telling you I'd be seeing them as red flags.

Original poster

Gamesetandmatch1 · 02/07/2017 14:43

He doesn't think she shouldn't have the money , it's just a fact that she has made a lot. How is the stress of job thing a red flag?

OP posts:

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