DP is like two different people and i am so confused

[blueflower30]

My DP can change to a completely different person within seconds . I am so confused and it drives me to depression. I dont know whats real anymore and i keep thinking that i should leave but then he becomes so nice and it makes me think that its all my fault. It makes me think thats something is wrong with me and i cause all these problems and i will end up leaving a great guy because of whatever is wrong with me
He can be this nice attentive guy , he will spend all his time with me, he will put me first and be so loving and sweet.
And then he can be the guy who will go from 0-100 within seconds and he can turn very nasty and vengeful. Example i took two days off work so we can spend sometime together but because i hadnt discussed it with him first he was certain that i took these days for other reasons . He gave me hell to the point that i fell ill and made me promise that i will "give him the two days i own him" by calling sick at work and replace those days for him. Also because i took those days off he kept secret from me that he was going away for work until the last day, so he can "teach me a lesson"
He can express his opinions and whatever bothers him and i will listen. If i disagree he will get annoyed and angry. If i try to talk about something that bothered me i will "have to be quick" and "let go" and "stop ruin the night ". I feel that its ok for him to say anything no matter how hurtful it is (he mocks my accent for a year now, i can take a joke no problem but its a whole year and its got tiring especially when he tries to mimic everything i say, he watches tv programs and he will compare me with the most unappealing characters, he will say hurtful things about my life choices etc) but when i try to talk about something that bothered me he doesnt give me the option. It just seem that i can never have problem.
Then he will be that great guy again and i will think that something must be wrong with me and i cause all the problems. I am so so sad and confused

Your posts describe an absolutely text book emotionally abusive partner.

Look at all the info described above, the books, the link to the freedom program.

This is going to take a while for you to understand and recognise as you are so very controlled by him.

I also wonder if phoning women's aid for advice might help you.

I would start to plan an escape and find lots of rl support, as well as the support here.

There is some free online stuff here, or get the book from Amazon. I think reading about his style of abuse will help you recognise what is wrong and give you strength to go.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

This is going to take a while for you to understand and recognise as you are so very controlled by him. - or maybe not as I think you know this isn't right.

Blueflower

re your comment:-

"I come from a family with very selfish parents who would mock and intimidate me constantly"

And now this man you are with is doing that self same thing, we after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. They taught you some very damaging lessons that you internalised to this very day with this person now.

You need to leave this man before he destroys you completely and that process your parents started is still ongoing. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid will certainly help you as will contacting them on 0808 2000 247.

As advised up thread please contact Womens Aid and talk to them.
This is abuse.
Your upbringing means you expect to be treated like this.
But you posting is a good thing.
It's the first step to ending this awful relationship.
You may not feel strong enough right now but Womens Aid can help you with a safe exit plan.
Don't live your life like this.
You deserve so much more than this half life of abuse.
Take the first step and make that call.
The number will not show up on any phone bills.

OP: just wanted to come back and add, he isn't two different people, he is the same person, with two different prongs of attack. Nice him, and shitty him. Both are him, he is the same person. he chooses when he wants to be nice or nasty, it will have no rhyme or reason, just he feels entitled too.

Don't waste anymore time, just being unhappy is reason enough to leave. Its tough, but you CAN do it.

Typical emotional abuser's mind-screwing behaviour to keep you under his control so you don't know what to do and he's got you exactly where he wants you.
Please leave him op, it will never improve and you deserve so much better.

Please get out now. I ended up spending almost 20 years with a man exactly like this. I moved in with him after 6 months and got pregnant. I accidentally knocked a gadget he had so he picked up my word processor (it was 1997!) and threw it on the floor to 'teach me a lesson'. Then apologised but always told me that it was my fault. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, I had nowhere else to go and I was a student. I ended up marrying him and having 2 daughters. He got worse and treated them in the same way. I wasted years of my life with him and has the same thoughts as you about him being nice some times and it being my fault. I was on antidepressants for years but stopped them when I made the decision to leave. I had counselling and found it really useful and I'm so much happier now without him. You can be too!

Would you like us to help you leave him?

The "nice him" isn't real. "Nasty him" is who he really is. Believe it and get out now.

He is not two different people , the real him is the horrid him! He uses mr nice to get you to stay.

When you met I bet he was mr nice 95% of the time. By the time you marry he will be Mrs nasty (the true him) 95% of the time. That is what marriage will bring, if that's not what you want get out now. You will not change him.

He is a shitbag.

What's making you stay?

Mr not mrs!

Are you with my ex? Please tell me he's not from Essex.

He's an abusive arsehole. He is out and out controlling you, grinding you down and moulding you to behave exactly how he wants.

It starts off small, and you make small concessions thinking it's just a little thing. Like "let me know you're home safe". And going daft if you don't. Cos you know, he's worried for you. Six months later you are reporting to him every single movement you make, every whereabouts, every person you've spoken to. And. It's. Become. Normal.

Run honey - run for the hills!

Your post gave me chills - so sorry you have experienced this. I have been emotionally & verbally abused but not like this. Please get help to leave OP

run!

Have you got a job? If so you need to arrange for your salary to go into your own bank account that he can't control.
Do you have any friends or family you can go stay with temporarily whilst you sort yourself out?
You can contact your landlord to let them know you're leaving.
At least you don't have children so it'll be easier to leave and restart your life
Good luck

You've not come back op.

Don't be frightened. Posters are quick to jump in bcs we recognise it - some of us learnt the hard way. Don't be one of us. Staying is much more frightening than leaving, take it from us.

Do the Freedom Programme. It really will help you to think straight.

How would you leave if you decided to? What's your tenancy agreement?

Hi blueflower30

I'm so sorry to hear that this man is treating you so appallingly. This relationship is absolutely toxic and will only get worse.

Please talk to Women's Aid as soon as you can about your situation- they will give you the best advice on what to do next.

24 helpline (freephone) 0808 2000 247

Or email [email protected]

You've said I come from a family with very selfish parents who would mock and intimidate me constantly and i would never want this for my kids. I would never put anyone else in this situation.

May I also suggest you see your GP asap, explain in complete confidence what's going on to him or her, and ask to be referred for counselling for emotional abuse.

And if you haven't got a Freedom Programme running near you, then read Pat Craven's book 'Living with the Dominator' www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/1477410597?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You have your whole life ahead of you - please don't let this horrible man ruin it any more than he already has done.

OP if you had a cup of coffee and it had shit in it, what percentage would you say is acceptable? Ten percent? One? None is the correct answer. He is 100% shit.

I would never put anyone else in this situation

Except yourself, I'm guessing because deep down you don't feel deserving of better.

You know what you must do and why. You just need to put yourself on a trajectory where it will happen. Him being nice is part of the cycle of abuse, it's that tiny glimpse of the man you want him to be that keeps you in the game and allows the cycle to continue.

No one can rescue you and he isn't about to change, so this needs to come from you, and if that means enlisting support, do it. Not doing anything is a choice and ultimately you and God forbid any children that might end up in this, will pay the price.

I train my dogs more nicely than the way he's training you, OP.

Your apologies 'weren't good enough'? So he made you 'do them again'? In what way is an apology more sincere if you use the words someone else tells you to say, in the way they tell you to say them?

He's a piece of shit. Get out, get away. And stay safe.

You poor thing. This will not get better. He is not two people, it is the same person displaying unreasonable, cruel, manipulative selfish, childish behaviour WHEN HE WANTS TO.
Would you advise a friend to put up with this?

I believe it could be a mental health issue, reading your post is like reading about my DSis. Have you looked into Borderline Personality Disorder? My DSis has never been diagnosed but I've always believed this is what she is suffering from.

Dandy are you suggesting the OP has BPD? Or her partner? Either way it's not helpful.

It's quite common for victims of domestic abuse to present 'emotionally dysregulated' and be mis diagnosed as having BPD. It's not that at all though, it's the traumatic effect of being psychologically tortured.

Psyche, not trying to medically assess anyone at all, just saying he sounds like my DSis and that I believe SHE has BPD. You're very right that abusers behave in this way also. I think the question here is how he behaves towards other people, does he flip as well or not.