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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is like two different people and i am so confused

87 replies

blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 19:35

My DP can change to a completely different person within seconds . I am so confused and it drives me to depression. I dont know whats real anymore and i keep thinking that i should leave but then he becomes so nice and it makes me think that its all my fault. It makes me think thats something is wrong with me and i cause all these problems and i will end up leaving a great guy because of whatever is wrong with me
He can be this nice attentive guy , he will spend all his time with me, he will put me first and be so loving and sweet.
And then he can be the guy who will go from 0-100 within seconds and he can turn very nasty and vengeful. Example i took two days off work so we can spend sometime together but because i hadnt discussed it with him first he was certain that i took these days for other reasons . He gave me hell to the point that i fell ill and made me promise that i will "give him the two days i own him" by calling sick at work and replace those days for him. Also because i took those days off he kept secret from me that he was going away for work until the last day, so he can "teach me a lesson"
He can express his opinions and whatever bothers him and i will listen. If i disagree he will get annoyed and angry. If i try to talk about something that bothered me i will "have to be quick" and "let go" and "stop ruin the night ". I feel that its ok for him to say anything no matter how hurtful it is (he mocks my accent for a year now, i can take a joke no problem but its a whole year and its got tiring especially when he tries to mimic everything i say, he watches tv programs and he will compare me with the most unappealing characters, he will say hurtful things about my life choices etc) but when i try to talk about something that bothered me he doesnt give me the option. It just seem that i can never have problem.
Then he will be that great guy again and i will think that something must be wrong with me and i cause all the problems. I am so so sad and confused

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 29/06/2017 20:30

You can't stop him behaving this way.
No matter how you bend over backwards to try to please him, how many times you bite your tongue and keep quiet for fear of causing him to kick off, he will always, always, always find some reason to verbally attack you. If he wants a fight, he will have his fight and you get no say in whether or not it happens.

Original poster
blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 20:30

Thank you for all the support. I need to see that its not my fault because after so long with him everything is so messed up in my head . He always gets angry and walks away to "cool off" because "i nag him again ". This is happening as soon as i say something, surely can not be normal reaction after one minute of me talking. He is even say that its all my problem and if i be nice and sweet to him he will be normal again. He says that he doesnt stay angry for long and he can be sweet again "within seconds" as long as i let go of my nagging. My mind is telling me that this is bs but i dont even remember who i used to be anymore .Thank you again

OP posts:
Original poster
blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 20:34

what i am now is a different person, afraid to talk afraid to do the wrong think, blaming myself constantly . I have my moments where i stand up to him, then he turns nasty and vengeful and many of the times if that doesnt work he turns to very nice but still blaming me for everything. He makes himself seem some sort of martyr that puts up with my shit because he loves me and he doesnt want to lose me despite all my wrongs.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 29/06/2017 20:39

Practically, how can you part from him? Are you living together? Do you have shared finances? Have you a support network of family and/or friends that you can turn to in real life?

pudding21 · 29/06/2017 20:59

Read lundy Bancroft why does he do that. And start realizing that isn't normal and it's not healthy for you. Once you've done that, gather strength and get outta there before you have kids or get more entwined. Trust me , I was you.

kaitlinktm · 29/06/2017 21:07

Teach you a lesson? Who does he think he is - your Dad?

Selfish, controlling, abusive and cunning - in that he is nice for long enough for you to doubt yourself.

You really should leave asap - how practical would this be for you? Do you have children? Who owns your house/flat?

HeavenlyEyes · 29/06/2017 21:15

are you married, kids, mortgage, rented?

Original poster
blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 21:27

we are engaged but no kids yet. We live together for few months now and we share the rent. However "he knows whats best" and "he knows how to save money " so he basically arranges the finances. I know i am stupid for letting him do that, i wasnt like this but his constant rage just made me agree to many things in order to avoid the drama

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2017 21:36

Is living with his "constant rage" REALLY the way you want spend the rest of your life?? It's time for you to grow a backbone and walk away from this horrid man, BEFORE you get pregnant. I shudder to think of you having this man's child.

Original poster
blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 21:42

Aquamarine1029 I was smart at least on this one, i postpone having kids because of the situation. I come from a family with very selfish parents who would mock and intimidate me constantly and i would never want this for my kids. I would never put anyone else in this situation.

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 29/06/2017 21:56

Been there, got the t shirt, got the restraining order. Please please leave this sorry excuse for a man

Dibbles1967 · 29/06/2017 22:00

GET SHOT!

He's horrible & he's making you ill.

It's the "Girls like bad boys" No, they don't - they put up with utter shit 90% of the time & live for the 10% that they are shown attention because it makes them feel special, just for a while.

Get out before he ruins your confidence and self esteem completely.

If you do though, be prepared for him to tell you that you don't really mean it. Yes, you do mean it. Start making arrangements, take positive steps to get out. Best of luck & be strong Flowers

SaltySalt · 29/06/2017 22:05

would never put anyone else in this situation.

Then don't out yourself in it either. You can't possibly enjoy life with him? Worrying constantly, scared of saying the wrong thing? That's no life and no fun. Ltb.

SaltySalt · 29/06/2017 22:05

put

Wolfiefan · 29/06/2017 22:07

Engaged? Get out. Get far away. Stay away. The future can be nothing but miserable together. It's not you. It's him.

squishee · 29/06/2017 22:23

Don't let your upbringing lower your standards OP. You DO deserve far better than this sorry excuse for a partner. Stop existing on crumbs from his table.
Can you see your situation for what it really is?

Hermonie2016 · 29/06/2017 22:34

Being with an abusive man is crazy making, and you can't make sense of it.

Read some books, Lundy "why does he do that" and Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship".

I am divorcing a very similar man, could switch moods and I was always to blame.
The martyr is victim mentality, which can't be fixed by you.

kaitlinktm · 29/06/2017 22:38

Do you work? Do you have your own bank account? Is the property rented in joint names? All these details are relevant in connection with what steps you have to take to leave.

You are going to leave aren't you?

Pollydonia · 29/06/2017 22:50

Run. Seriously .

cherryontopp · 29/06/2017 22:58

You must know this isn't right and have cottoned on or you wouldn't have posted.

You need reassurance that this is not normal behaviour, it's not your head - well you've got it cos its sent the alarm bells off to several people. Hes controlling, abusive and seems very manipulative. He seems good at ehat he does cos your self confidence sounds way too low.

Leave the cunt he's engagement ring and a note telling you've seen the light and to go fuck himself.

Checkingusername · 29/06/2017 23:08

Op, very random question but I honestly have to ask.

Are your DP's initial JED??

Apologies if not but he sounds exactly like my ex! Shock

I fear you are the girl he ended up with!

I honestly feel like you've written this post on behalf of me!

Original poster
blueflower30 · 29/06/2017 23:40

This is so humiliating. He hang up the phone on me and i did not call him back. Then he arrived in the house angry , telling me that i hurt him and why i did not call him back. I said because his behavior is childish and i wont chase after him. He made me apologize 8 times. I dont really want to apologize but i am not in a state to fight either. E very time the apology was"not good enough" and he would tell me what to say to make it good or "was not sincere" . I feel so so humiliated

OP posts:
springydaffs · 29/06/2017 23:40

Do the Freedom Programme. I've linked you to the 'find a course' page: contact them as soon as. This course will open your eyes and get your head straight in record time.

You are in a very abusive relationship, he is an abuser. As pp's say, this will only get worse (as you have seen - I bet this has gradually got much worse in the years you've known him). His intention is to turn you in to a gibbering wreck who obeys his every command; someone who has no opinions that aren't his opinions. He is controlling you through your mind.

Heavy stuff. Yes it is heavy. The only way is out. Do the Freedom Programme - you will be so glad you did. The clue is in the name - Freedom from the hell you're living Flowers

Itscurtainsforyou · 29/06/2017 23:45

He's emotionally abusive and financially abusive. You say he arranges the finances, does he have access to your wages/savings? You need to stop this asap and start planning to get out.

pog100 · 30/06/2017 00:02

Please, please listen to all the people above. The only thing that will work is totally breaking it off with him and not talking to him. He has no power. Honestly.