The future

[SnugglyBedSocks]

Hi. My DH told me last week that he wants to seperate. He has drawn up a separation agreement and wants me to sign it asap.

Those of you who have been through a divorce, what was the outcome in terms of house, maintenance etc?

We have a mortgage but he wants the house on the market next week and split 50/50. We also have two children age 10 and 13yrs.

Many thanks

Definitely don't sign anything until you've seen a solicitor!

If you have children and you are the main carer you would probably get more than 50% of house value I should think. Go into this with your eyes open and don't let him rush you!

DO NOT SIGN

I wish MN allowed 50ft high font!

Talk to a solicitor, and being his "agreement" with you.

Here's my little guess... you've taken time away from work then limited your career for his children, and he now has a far greater pension pot and this "agreement" doesn't mention a pension sharing order. Am I right, or am I right?

How helpful he has been in drawing up a separation order. Write your own list of assets (equity, pension pots, cars, savings, debts - everything in either of your names) and take them and the draft agreement to a solicitor.

My solicitor told me it was best to go straight for divorce without a separation agreement first.

Definitely get advice as 50:50 May well be adjusted according to who the resident parent will be.

Ellisandra - you're right!!

I have evidence that there is a third party too. He is denying it saying they are just friends. He doesn't know I have evidence.

He said he will pay maintenance till they are 18yrs but the eldest has autism so will need support long-term

I don't want to be right, but I knew I would be

You could approach it non aggressively. Not even mention the pension if you don't feel ready yet for the fight. I would simply say "it's clear we're over and I honestly don't see the point in this agreement, we might as well just go through the proper divorce process so I'll make an appointment with a solicitor and take it from there"

It can be a good way, to "hide" behind a solicitor. Let them be the reason you insist on a pension CETV, etc.

Never trust anyone to pay maintenance. Actually I expect the majority do pay with no issue. But there are enough arseholes that will dick around, lie, hide income... depends a bit on his job - own company = high risk of paying the OW to hide his salary. Teacher = transparent and attachment of earnings possibly. My advice is to approach the settlement assuming maintenance isn't guaranteed. As you have a child with additional needs, that might mean you should prioritise security of housing.

His pension will be a MAJOR asset. And he knows it.

Remember that he is a cheating liar - so you also can't trust him in the divorce.

Btw, I am not the screw him over type, despite how I may come across I believe in FAIR.
In my own split, I took 20% of total assets to my solicitor's bemusement. Because I chose to exclude (mentally, it was in the assets declaration) his business - built up before I met him.

He has no legal or moral right to rush you.

It's also an option to press the red button "you are a liar, a cheat and a cunt and you can fuck off if you think I'm stupid enough to sign your pathetic faux legal unfair "agreement" with seeing a solicitor". Then slowly rip it to pieces and let it flutter to his feet as you turn heel and walk head high off to do something more interesting today.

Don't sign anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get advice. He can't make you sell the house.

Seriously think about trying to stay in the house, too, with a Mesher order. I daresay he'd love to take out the equity now.

If you can get a mortgage in your own right, I'd advise that over a Mesher because I personally believe in clean breaks.

But if you wouldn't get a mortgage, think long and hard before you give up an owned home for rental.

That can just be postponing the issue, but with a 10yo you might have 8 years - to save, change jobs, or be able to get a smaller (cheaper) home later as they'll be all grown up. Just not having to choose around being close to a (good) school can save you money.

Bottom line: you don't have to make any decisions quickly.

Which has the added benefit of pissing him off He'll be scared you'll be tougher if you discover the OW. So you'll be making his plans to come out of the woodwork with her just a little bit harder

Good luck to you!
And ram that "agreement" up his arse!

By the way, are you on the mortgage / deeds? You write we... but just in case it is his name only - google about registering home rights protection at Land Registry.

Many thanks everyone.

We are both on the deeds. I do work but only two days a week and I don't really want to increase it because it will mean leaving my 13yr old home alone for yet another evening until I get in. My DH leaves for work at 6am and not home till 7pm (genuinely is doing these hours) so he can't help or have the children over night during the week.

Plan is for alternate weekends.

I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay here. I looked at the child maintenance calculator and he is on £45,000 which works out at approx £400/mth.

I work 17.5hrs/wk and take home approx £12,000

Will the maintenance he gives me have to cover everything?

My children do activities that I currently pay for but I can't see them continuing due to the expense

Claim tax credits.

Sorry to hear that he's moved on so completely. I agree with the others - don't even dream of signing anything.

Get onto the tax credits calculator and enter in your information. It doesn't take account of his child support payments.

You've had some excellent advice above. As a lone parent you may qualify for working and child tax credits, single person council tax reductions, council tax benefit etc. Also worth checking if you can claim DLA for your child with special needs, www.entiledto.co.uk might be useful

My son is already in receipt of DLA.

Many thanks everyone

If your ds gets middle or high rate care component you get the disabled element of tax credits which will be more money.

He gets middle care.

Just can't believe this is happening

Don't do anything dramatic as suggested here like tearing up his agreement in front of him. That's childish and unhelpful.
Take time and see a solicitor

He can shove his agreement up his arse.
If he wants to separate he should leave.
Stay in the house
Let the mortgage lender know what's happening
Up your hours at work
Contact the CMS
Don't think about his hours working when considering childcare - just say Tuesday and Thursday are your nights (for example)
Don't break down in front of him; don't beg.
My X waltzed off thinking he had all the cards but underestimated me and the collective power of mumsnet.

I think you will be surprised how much you will receive than you think, as you work over 16 hours a week.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her high earning H left and pays £600 maintenance per month.

However, on top of her part time wage, the top up tax credits, 25% council tax discount, some top of housing benefit on the interest only part of the mortgage, free school meals etc..,

she was delightfully pleased that she is actually financially better off than with him because he controlled the money previously.

Thankyou everyone. I have given him opportunities to discuss it and confess about the other woman.... but still lying to me.

Hi Snuggly,

just a few things to consider for any financial negotiations. Your husband seems to be in an almighty rush to get this sorted, 50/50 sounds very naive/hopeful for him 😏

Housing needs for resident parent and children have priority in divorce so any available funds will need to cover accommodation. Highly unlikely he will get 50% of the house unless there is enough to house both of you.

Is your autistic child likely to be able to live independently at 18 or ever? Ongoing responsibility needs to be carefully discussed. Also financial support for your other child during university if they go.

If he is making plans with the other woman, his outgoings will be halved by cohabiting, which will leave more money in the pot.

My experience of sharing childcare, calculating child maintenance is that childcare from ex-husbands can be unenforceable/erratic especially if they're loved up. Payments through the CMS tends to focus the mind!

The value of his pension can be offset against equity in your house, perhaps he keeps the pension, you get the house.

Don't undersell yourself in this.

In the agreement he wants to keep all his pension and his redundancy money (approx £30,000) and i get to keep my pension (been part time for years) and my savings.

He will take on any debt (none is mine or in my name as it's credit cards.)

So basically you don't have much of a pension to take and probably not much by way of savings, but he does have a fat pension and redundancy payment, so he'll just keep it thank you. And he has debts that are nothing to do with you, but he'll so generously not expect you to pay anything??

Get legal and financial advice and tell him to shove it.

I think he's being very optimistic in his 'offer'. Methinks a reality check may be in order here! Half the house, all his pension and redundancy money and he will do you a favour and pay off his debts.

Please don't let this man brow beat you, you are in a lot stronger position than you think.

Try the forum at Wikivorce, there are some very clued up people there who will be able to crunch the numbers for you to give you an idea of asset split plus maintenance.