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Original poster

The future

64 replies

SnugglyBedSocks · 24/06/2017 07:13

Hi. My DH told me last week that he wants to seperate. He has drawn up a separation agreement and wants me to sign it asap.

Those of you who have been through a divorce, what was the outcome in terms of house, maintenance etc?

We have a mortgage but he wants the house on the market next week and split 50/50. We also have two children age 10 and 13yrs.

Many thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 26/06/2017 06:46

Thank you everyone.

I feel so sad that after 20 years together its come to this. He is still denying that there is anything going on with his "friend" but I have proof that even if a sexual relationship hasn't occurred, the intention is there.

I also can not believe that he wants to kick us out of our home. The only home the boys have ever known Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 26/06/2017 07:34

He's treating you like the enemy.

Think of it this way, maybe: we all like the narrative of our lives to have us as the hero, therefore for him to treat you this way and still be a good guy, he has convinced himself you must deserve it. Or at least that's my pop-psych take on it. But whatever.

He's no longer someone you can trust to have you and the dc's best interests at heart, so you must protect yourself.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 26/06/2017 07:59

You NEED to see a solicitor before you agree anything. Most times you can negotiate more % of the house equity if you forego the pension but ALL the assets need to be taken into account. He can plain stop trying to bully you.

He needs to provide a home for his children. If you have sacrificed your earnings to allow him to build up his career (you would have to pay childcare if you were working more hours) then also can be included in the negotiations

Ellisandra · 26/06/2017 12:16

Those debts would have to fucking massive to make that a fair deal!

I mean, even if you spilt 50/50 (and actually I think you should get more) does half the house + your savings + your small pension really equal half the house + £30K + his bigger pension - debts?

I'm thinking that's unlikely.

Dacquoise · 26/06/2017 13:02

Snuggly, there's no kicking you out of your house if you don't allow it. As everyone has said, don't go anywhere near that separation agreement. He can't sell the house without your agreement.

Gather your thoughts, this is obviously a big shock and wait to see what he does next. He's in a big rush, you're not. He would have to start divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, be prepared for that, to get this through quickly. Otherwise it's a minimum of two years wait.

In the meantime, get all of your information together, seek advice, gather support from friends and family and wait. See what happens with the OW floating around, then decide what YOU want to do.

Good luck 🍀 rooting for you..

Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 29/06/2017 02:22

Saw the solicitor. She said even if I had signed it, Court would have thrown it out as it wasn't detailed enough.

He was not happy at all that I had gone to a solicitor. Don't think this is going to be very amicable Sad

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 29/06/2017 02:54

Of course he's not happy. He was trying to shaft you over and now realises you arent as weak as he thought.

He is playing you. Forget about the Ow and him. Time to look after yourself and your boys.

Naicehamshop · 29/06/2017 07:51

You keep going and ignore his histrionics. He is in the wrong and deep down he knows it!

Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 01/07/2017 19:33

We have managed to sort some stuff out in regards to the boys but the financial side is not going to be pleasant.

He is absolutely convinced that I'm after his money and want to rip him off Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/07/2017 19:39

Grin oh how funny that he has financial responsibilities to his DC and WIFE...

Strange isn't it that the courts will prioritise the DC being homes above him keeping all "his" money!

happypoobum · 01/07/2017 19:46

I am so glad you saw a solicitor. I bet he is livid that you haven't just rolled over to what he suggested.

Every time he mentions it, just wave him away saying "My solicitor is dealing with all that."

Will he move out whilst the divorce goes ahead? Don't get hung up on him admitting about the OW - the marriage is over and he is a cheat so she's welcome to him eh?

Just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. I traded a percentage of the house equity (25%) in lieu of a share of XH pension and this has worked out VERY well for me as house prices in my area have rocketed and I am now due to sell. A local solicitor will be able to advise you best about the likely outcomes in your local courts bearing in mind local house purchase and rental costs etc etc.

Would it be worth you working 20 hours a week? Would that make any difference to the tax credits you could claim? I think you can walk dogs or clean for NMW for an additional 2.5 hours a week, it doesn't all have to be at one job IYSWIM?

Good luck Flowers

Ellisandra · 01/07/2017 23:08

And that has just illustrated to you exactly why you needed to see a solicitor. If he was a fair man, he'd have had no problems with you doing so. To be honest, in my opinion it's like an MOT and car service. For the car service, some people can do it themselves but most people realise they don't have the skills so go to a professional to do it... and the MOT part of the analogy? Some things you HAVE to do with a professional by law - in divorce, that's the Consent Order. You can agree everything yourselves if you want - but the CO should be drawn up by a solicitor.

Well done for doing it!

Now, steel yourself and batten down the hatches. Do not be one of those women who thinks that giving things up financially means the coparenting will be more amicable. I'm sorry if this sounds patronising Blush... but the kind of man who is going to be an arse and consider that he's been taken to the cleaners, is going to find an excuse whatever reason.
You already know he wouldn't even think 50/50 was fair. If he's going to be an arse, let him be an arse over a fair settlement not a reduced one from your trying to keep the peace.

I warn you that some men love to buy into that "fleeced" narrative. I took 20/80 in my settlement. My proposal. (there was a family business that I morally didn't feel entitled to consider, though legally could). I've never taken maintenance - which would be about £500 a month! Personal reasons, but mainly in our set of circumstances I don't think it would be fair to take it. Legal, yes - but not fair. And guess who was overheard telling his new girlfriend that he'd had to pay to keep his child in his life? HmmShockAngry

Become a stone. Literally practise this in a mirror. Choose a simple line and shut him down with it every time. Something like "divorce is complicated, that's why most people use a solicitor, I am not changing my mind".

Good luck Flowers

Dacquoise · 02/07/2017 09:31

I would also ignore all this 'my money', 'my pension ', 'my ' everything business. In a marriage, especially a long marriage ALL assets are jointly owned. You need to get your head around the contribution you made with childcare and running the home which ALLOWED him to accumulate assets for the marriage. The courts certainly recognise this.

I see this attitude all the time on Mumsnet, which I think contributes to the feelings of guilt a lot of woman experience in divorce. I certainly suffered this when I divorced. It needs to change.

The majority of women suffer a marked drop in their lifestyle after divorce yet still carry the major ongoing responsibility for the family co-created by both of you.

There is nothing wrong in ensuring your needs are covered even if that means taking more than 50%.

Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 09:46

He is moving into rented next week. He has been spending £££ furnishing it even though he could have took stuff from here eg we have 6 sofas but he has bought new.

He seems to think that I am after his redundancy when I am truly not as I know how useless he is with money and it will soon be gone with how he is currently spending. He has offered that I can keep my savings and he keeps that. What he has forgotten is that my savings were accumulated prior to marriage and so are technically not an asset for him to bargain with anyway. I do have shares in a property though that did come to me only a couple of years back so he could claim on that if he wanted too....but that is where I will appear amicable and say he can keep his redundancy and I will have the property shares.

In view of his pension - again some is not available to me as it was commenced prior to marriage but the last 20 years is. I do not know what it is worth - or indeed what mine is - but he thinks I will sign away my rights without finding it out. He really thinks I am stupid Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 09:51

Even though he previously wanted us out the house and it sold he is now saying he will pay the mortgage - approx £715 instead of maintenance. Seems a good deal.....but....if he goes and defaults on it I am still liable. I don't trust him at all so I am going to take further advice on that. He doesn't like that I am doing that of course.

I have told him he is now going to do his fair share of childcare during holidays as currently I use all my leave to cover it. In fairness he said yes straight away. It will cut down on the amount of free time he will have to go away with his hobby....shame......Grin

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 02/07/2017 09:56

Of course you shpuld be after a fair share of his redundancy.

Don't sell yourself short here by agreeing to xyz. Get the solicitors to value all assests...including those that he is rapidly spending in an attempt to hide. This includes properties, cars, pensions, savings etc

Then start your negotitations from the final figure.

When you start saying you keep x and I keep y there often isnt the long term value taken into consideration

Lovingitlovingit · 02/07/2017 10:01

Don't sell yourself short. Re the pension, my exh was awarded a percentage of my whole pension, including 10 years before I met him.

Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 10:07

He seems to have forgotten that we have a child who is unlikely ever going to be independent too and he wants maintenance to cease at 18yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 10:09

We have £85,000 left on the mortgage. I can increase the remaining term to 20 years. He is 10 years older than me so it had about 12 years left.

The house has been valued at £330,000

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 02/07/2017 10:21

Snuggly, be careful here, your stbxh is reducing family assets by spending 'his' redundancy this way. This could affect your future.

Mine went on a spending spree too, bought new sofas, although we had spare. Then tried to hand me half the bill at mediation, duh!

The crux of this is what do you and your children need to house yourselves, feed and clothe yourselves as divorced people? Your needs are more, especially with regard to the ongoing care of your disabled son.

Trying to work out who keeps what now is a bit irrelevant when you don't actually have an accurate idea of the value of ALL your assets.

I would be working on that right now, save yourself a fortune in legal fees. You can write to your pension providers and get a CETV of their values. Also sit down and work out what it costs you each month to live, include everything ie from mortgage, to gas, to food, to haircuts, to the odd bottle of nail varnish. Everything.

Then negotiate. You only get one bite at the divorce cherry. Use it wisely. I feel for you. It must be scary right now but you can do it.

Whisky2014 · 02/07/2017 10:22

Stop discussing it with him. Go through solicitor to solicitor

Dacquoise · 02/07/2017 10:25

Cross posts, that's great that you have the value of the house and what you can do with the mortgage. Meant to say, also, that getting his name off the mortgage and covering it's payment in a consent order is the way forward. Less scope to play silly buggers in the future for him 😉

Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 12:34

I have already contacted my pension to see how much I will have

OP posts:
Original poster
SnugglyBedSocks · 02/07/2017 12:42

I'm phoning mortgage provider tomorrow to find out my options. It's only me assuming that I can increase the mortgage to 20 years.

I am a little naive in regards to mortgages and what I can do

OP posts:
FrogsLegs31 · 02/07/2017 12:43

Do not negotiate anything personally.

He has proven that he will shaft you if he can.

Allow your solicitor to do it entirely for your own good! X

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