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Original poster

Feeling he is being secretive

55 replies

Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 15:16

My partner I are in a long term relationship and both have our own homes although we stay over at weekends. It's easier as we both have teenagers living at home.
I have always had trust issues with him since I caught him secretly meeting up with a former work colleague when she moved away and left work.I still don't know whether he stayed over at hers.He gets on very well with all the females he works with and I often find exchanges on his mobile. He does loads of favours for them as well like collecting office equipment from their houses or givibg them lifts. He never talks about this , I only know as I snoop. You would think he had no work friends but in fact the opposite is true. The other day I offered to pick him up as car was being serviced but he said Cathy from work is coming to get him because he had to pop back into work. Honestly it sounds very petty but it makes me feel like shit and not part of his life.I think the reason is he can be quite critical of me but when I protest he gets really defensive. I can spot when he's spending time with other women as he'll mention something only women discuss. He makes me paranoid.I have tried to call it a day but then he gets really upset and wants our relationship to work but continues his behaviour. I really don't care if he's friendly with his work colleagues but he seems to go over the top and why the secrecy. I only started getting upset when he told me he was working away and then found out he'd met up with this woman and took her out for lunch and didn't mention it. I wasn't even aware he was that close to her. He was working with a younger women but she has now left but he mentioned she had a lot of work equipment at home. I then spotted a pile of stuff in his garage and it was only when I asked did he say he had been round to her house to collect it. she could have taken it back into the office herself. I would point out he does very little to help me and that's why I'm envious of this attention .if I even bring up how I feel he gets defensive and shuts the conversation down.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 22/06/2017 15:20

Sounds like he isn't committed to a full time relationship with you, is keeping his life very compartmentalised and possibly keeping his options open

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 16:21

I agree and thanks for confirming what I need to do. It's very easy to get taken in by a commitment phobe. This is why I love mumsnet as it helps you see clearly.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 22/06/2017 16:26

You're separate from his life and he hides things from you. You don't trust him and he's not making you happy. If you want a man you trust and who makes you feel a part of his life then you have to move on because this one never will.

Adora10 · 22/06/2017 16:44

You don't trust him and either would I; as you say, why the secrecy, he's making you feel crap because he appears to have a separate life where he tells you nada.

Then there's the meeting up with the woman colleague.

Sorry but I don't think he's worth the angst and you are worth a lot more than tit bits from what you can find from snooping, just end it, he's not committed to you.

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 17:34

Thanks for the feedback.I would have left before but in this situation you tell yourself that you're being too possessive so you restrict what you ask. My issue is that I haven't a problem with him being friendly as I too have work colleagues of opp sex but i talk openly about them whereas he only talks about the 2 that I know are older and married and then all these others come out the woodwork and I find he's been to there houses or given them lifts and little things become more of an issue because of the secrecy. I get he shouldn't need to tell me everybody he talks to or spends time with but it's always females. He has no male friends which I think is odd.
I also found when I was snooping that he would send a funny joke to someone and he was the manager so just think it's so unprofessional. When his football team does well on a Saturday he'll get a random text and and he never discloses who it is, I'll have to ask and it will be someone who he works with which is so random and annoying that someone is contacting him at the weekend.I know it sounds I'm micromanaging him but paranoia does that to you.

OP posts:
user1484573123 · 22/06/2017 17:44

He sounds creepy to be honest. I Would not want to work with someone like that let alone have one as s boyfriend. You deserve better

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 18:15

I think so too. I've just looked as he put
Find my friends app on our phones and see he's in a residential street for 1 hr and texting me saying he's stuck at work! He must be stupid

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 22/06/2017 18:22

I don't think this will end well op. You will never be able to trust him because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy. He sounds like an a total arse. Men don't go being secretive about who they've had lifts off and whose houses they've been to if they've nothing to hide.

Have you told him you know he's not at work? Have you told him about the things you've found? Yes, whilst snooping is not acceptable you can't unknow what you know so I'd just have it out with him then watch the excuses pile out of his mouth - which they will. Then I would tell him to do one

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2017 18:22

He sounds a creep to me, too. A creep and a liar. There's (quite rightly) no trust on your part and I wouldn't see any reason to carry on seeing him.

You can do much better than him!

TheNaze73 · 22/06/2017 18:26

Why are you still with him. It doesn't sound like either of you are particularly bothered

Ellisandra · 22/06/2017 18:29

You don't want this situation, so you're right to split up with him.

But I don't see what he's done wrong.

I'm working away next week - I won't tell my fiancé who I've met with for dinner - too dull. If he asks, or they have a funny story it'll come up. Otherwise not of interest - I'm nlt secretive.

It doesn't sound like he lies to you. No pretending the equipment in his garage wasn't a female colleague's. Openly told you who was giving him a lift.

It's not wrong to text a colleague during a football match. It's not unprofessional to send joke texts to your staff (at least not automatically - obviously the detail is important - but honestly it's a bit stick-up-your-bum to think managers mustn't be friendly with lower orders!)

You have been snooping his phone - that's pretty bad of you. And yet you have found nothing - just conversations.

He's not right for you, but I don't think he's done anything wrong.

SherlockStones · 22/06/2017 18:33

You a bit sound controlling and insecure to be frank.

Why does he have to tell you who he goes to lunch with or who is sending him a text on the weekend about football?

Ellisandra · 22/06/2017 18:38

I have just re-read as everyone else thinks he's awful!

I realised the start of the trust issues - him secretly meeting a work colleague - I interpreted differently. Given the rest of the post, I interrupted that as not a secret meeting but simply a meeting when he hadn't told the OP.

If it actually was a secret meeting then I'll fall in with the others who think he's an arse!

Peewee23 · 22/06/2017 18:46

Why do you snoop? Is it just him or are you insecure in general?

newjobsoon · 22/06/2017 18:48

He's lied about where he is after work. Saying he's working late is part of the cheaters script. Think he's up to no good or why lie?

newjobsoon · 22/06/2017 18:49

You snooped because you have reason to. Get off the OPs back.

Ellisandra · 22/06/2017 18:50

What, on the strength of one "find my phone"? Mine has said I'm in a different city sometimes!

I've been cheated on and am usually quite quick on here to call bastard...

But the OP paints this picture of him being secretive but the actual facts seem to be that she offers him a lift and he says "no thanks is taking me.

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 19:05

Yes reading back sounds controlling but I think he just doesn't communicate about anything about these work friends who are all female but gives me really detailed explainations of other stuff so trait of someone lying. Ok so tonight he's parked in this road for 1 1/2 hrs after work. He then texts me saying he's at work. He then leaves and says he's home now. I spoke to him about his day and he tells me all the places he had been. I didn't ask as not bothered about details but he gives me it but leaves off where he was last before home. I think this would make anyone feel weird but I suppose need to get a thicker skin. Problem is I feel insecure as a result to loads of these situations not just a few and I know I need to leave.

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 22/06/2017 19:19

I think part of the problem is that when you mention the inconsistencies to him he's getting defensive rather than reassuring you you've nothing to worry about. Also you said in your post he does things with other women and doesn't give you the same treatment so it's making you feel insecure. Only you know what call to make. If it was me I couldn't sit tight-lipped and not admit I'd snooped, I would just blurt it out Blush but it's up to you op

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 19:31

I did blurt it out that I saw he had stopped off somewhere and asked him without any accusations. He said he just came home from work but then went oh I picked up some stuff from Susan so then I asked him who she was and he said was I accusing him of anything and said I was ridiculous and said I had made him angry and at that put the phone down! Feel crap that even mentioned it but should be able to ask. He said it was irrelevant so didn't mention it, said it would be a boring convo if he had mentioned it although he had told me everything from what he had for breakfast to what he'd had for dinner so that's what I call a dull convo! I'm starting to think he's made me into a crazy jealous person and I wasn't before.

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 22/06/2017 19:46

Does seem a bit bizarre if he's telling you every detail about his day down to what he had for breakfast but thinks it would be boring to mention picking up stuff from another woman's house.

Either he a) knows you're paranoid and didn't want to mention it and therefore upset you or b) all this 'picking up stuff' is just code for doing stuff he shouldn't be doing. Or at least an excuse to go round and see these other women and he has 'stuff' in his garage to 'prove' that's all it was.

What stuff does he pick up? Is your gut instinct telling you he is telling the truth?

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 20:12

I do think he thinks I'm paranoid but I never used to be. I think it's more so he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I can't see he cares how I feel as it escalates so quickly. Last argument we had was because I was at a work do with him and someone took him off to have a private convo.then was away an hr! Came over and talked about something else. I said is everything ok and he said the convo had nothing to do with me and got angry , really horrible and so he shuts down everything I ask. Even if I ask a normal question like whether he's going away on his own , as works away from home. Is that too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 22/06/2017 20:24

The football message was a woman who he works with saying how pleased she was for him that his team had won. Saying she was tipsy and adding lots of xx and he told me it was someone else. The work jokes were sexual and he never sends me any texts all day , says he's too busy. That's why I mentioned why it was making me feel upset.i know managers and workers can joke I have no problem. The more I write the more I think I've gone crazy but don't think he's being v nice.

OP posts:
GloriaV · 22/06/2017 20:38

Sounds a bit like my BIL - generous, fun, thoughtful to work colleagues (mainly women) but tired and monosyllabic at home. So busy being mr charm he's worn out and grumpy at home ( his true nature imv, though not to others just his DW)

pog100 · 22/06/2017 20:45

Look you just aren't happy are you? Then end it. It really is that simple, you don't seem to be entangled otherwise.