Feeling he is being secretive

[Happyfoodie50]

My partner I are in a long term relationship and both have our own homes although we stay over at weekends. It's easier as we both have teenagers living at home.
I have always had trust issues with him since I caught him secretly meeting up with a former work colleague when she moved away and left work.I still don't know whether he stayed over at hers.He gets on very well with all the females he works with and I often find exchanges on his mobile. He does loads of favours for them as well like collecting office equipment from their houses or givibg them lifts. He never talks about this , I only know as I snoop. You would think he had no work friends but in fact the opposite is true. The other day I offered to pick him up as car was being serviced but he said Cathy from work is coming to get him because he had to pop back into work. Honestly it sounds very petty but it makes me feel like shit and not part of his life.I think the reason is he can be quite critical of me but when I protest he gets really defensive. I can spot when he's spending time with other women as he'll mention something only women discuss. He makes me paranoid.I have tried to call it a day but then he gets really upset and wants our relationship to work but continues his behaviour. I really don't care if he's friendly with his work colleagues but he seems to go over the top and why the secrecy. I only started getting upset when he told me he was working away and then found out he'd met up with this woman and took her out for lunch and didn't mention it. I wasn't even aware he was that close to her. He was working with a younger women but she has now left but he mentioned she had a lot of work equipment at home. I then spotted a pile of stuff in his garage and it was only when I asked did he say he had been round to her house to collect it. she could have taken it back into the office herself. I would point out he does very little to help me and that's why I'm envious of this attention .if I even bring up how I feel he gets defensive and shuts the conversation down.

If he's disrespecting your feelings and blowing up at the slightest of questions I don't see how this relationship has any longevity to be honest. It sounds like more hassle than it's worth and you sound like you're not getting very much out of it apart from paranoia. He could do so much to alleviate that with just a little more considerate communication. It doesn't seem like he is willing to change

Yes exactly . Also hot and cold and all the females think he's wonderful so that's what fuels my jealousy. I think it's just me. He uses the silent treatment. I will now be ghosted rather getting it nipped in the bud. I think I'm turning into someone I don't want to be.He does this and then approaches me when all calmed down.

I will end it, thanks for your answers

I hope you're ok op.

Yes just feel shit. Usually by now I'll be apologising and feel guilty for causing an argument. I'm going to not contact him as he put the phone down. I've been reading about narcisstic personality disorder and he ticks all the boxes.

Well there's sound reasoning there if he's got narcissistic traits. I would go nc but if you feel you have to give him an explanation just say you don't see the relationship going anywhere and leave it at that

I think I'll go NC as can't deal with too much today. We were going to a concert today so angry that it all blew up. I think it's difficult when you can't even mention how something is making you feel. I'm usually secure and confident person.He goes away a lot with work and mentioned a few weeks ago he was going to my favourite place with work and asked me to go. I said give me the dates and I'll book the time off work. I work in a hospital so have to know in advance. The other night he mentioned he was going to see his son on the way back from this trip. No mention of me going so I said oh when is it and he said 2/3 July which is now too late to organise. He completely gaslighted me by saying he couldn't remember that he said I could go as he has to now go with a work colleague. I am ashamed to say I said oh who is that, A female by any chance and it escalated. I know that sounds like I'm controlling but I felt he had uninvited me as he now had company. I sometimes think he purposely does things to manipulate jealousy.

End it with him. It is 100% not ever going to work

It sounds like he is manipulating you. I wouldn't bother dumping him as he'll try to talk you out of it. Block his number and social media accounts. Ghost him. It's the most effective way of dealing with manipulators because they have no way back in. Plus it allows you control.

I think he must be as I can honestly say I hardly grill him about anything but then the minute I ask him about something like his whereabouts he gets really defensive and jokes 'have I got to have your permission to go round to cathys now' or says I'm being ridiculous but I leave him well alone most of the time. I don't act needy until he does something that sparks it. It's hard as I love him but it's like that addictive love that comes from being manipulated.

He sounds like hard work. You're doing the right thing. He will never give you peace of mind, he will only make you unsecured and paranoid until you out start questioning your own judgement on everything and asking yourself 'did he really say that? Did he really mean this? Am I overreacting. Maybe he does love me because he is here with me right now.' And on and on.

This dowant sound healthy to me. Leave him OP. Get him out of your life and find somebody who worships you

Urgh run for the hills, he wants to do as he chooses when he chooses with zero accountability and you be available as and when suits him.

If you feel this insecure in the relationship and driven to snooping, which isn't OK by the way, it's not the relationship for you.

I know I hate snoopers and I've turned into one! Urgh . I have s good job and family and don't need this drama. What irks me is he can be equally insecure at times but I reassure him and don't blow up. He mentions an ex of mine sarcastically sometimes and I let it go but I'm not allowed to ask him anything

He's leading you a merry dance.

He sounds like a total creep. You're doing the right thing cutting him off. I wouldn't bother with any further communications, hopefully that'll leave him as confused and frustrated as you've been. Good luck and please write on here if you're tempted to contact him

Thanks guys, this really is the best advice x

Had a post again as had urge to text to apologise for asking him about where he had stopped off last night but when I think about how he reacted makes my blood boil. He said it was lake the Spanish Inquisition - his fav line even when I just casually ask. His loyalties seem to be with his work colleagues. They know we are together. He also asks their advice about our relationship

Please don't text him op. And definitely do not apologise. Have you thought about blocking his number so you cant text? Or if you can't bring yourself to do that call him 'dickhead' in your phone contacts so when you get the urge to text you see that name and know what you're dealing with.

Oh and keep yourself busy. Don't know what the weather is like where you are but if you're not at work go for a walk or something

He's just text to say Are we moving on from yesterday or was it a big thing( no kisses included in text)

Block his number and move on. Life is too short for nonsense.

He's just text to say Are we moving on from yesterday or was it a big thing( no kisses included in text)

Reads to me as 'stop whining about my actions and lack of communication, get over it and tow my line'

Urrggh! Either don't reply at all or just respond plainly with 'I'm movingly on without you. Bye' and leave it at that.

He's a charmer isn't he?

Moving* I type too fast on my phone lol

I would reply "it's over, do not contact me again by any method" then block on every app/phone/email etc.