What time do you both go to bed?

[rainsbow]

Do you sit and spend time together in the evening or is there a typical pattern of one goes up long before?

DH goes at 9 because he works early shifts, and I go between midnight and 2am because I'm a night owl.

Like a PP, we have separate beds, but are in the same room. He's within striking distance if the mood takes me This is working really well for us.

I think it's a bit abnormal (or at least not a healthy thing) if one of you is bored and lonely.

We have the exact same set up as FretYeNot above, and we love it too. I really enjoy having loads of time to myself to watch what I want, (and eat snacks!). We spend quality time together at other times.

My DH and I are oldies with 3 grown up kids on second marriage. He is a non stop whirlwind from about 9am till 1am working on his hobby and DIY and is retired so can lie in if he wants. He never sits still for more than 15 minutes and bobs between three different rooms.
I am still working three long days a week so get up at 6.30 and leave at 7am getting home exhausted about 8pm wanting an early night. Usually go to bed 11-12pm and am permanently tired. One night a week I stay over with a friend near work who goes to bed at 8.30. This is bliss and keeps me sane and rested.
I wouldn't swap DH as he is lovely but I do wonder if he has ADHD! I weighed up the sleep deficiency and he is worth it!!

I think there's a big difference between one going to bed at say 10/10.30 and the other more like midnight, and one going at 8. That leaves no real evening together once kids are in bed. I'd feel lonely too.

Generally go up together around 11/11.30. We're both out a few nights separately so when we're in together we watch tv or do something together. If footballs on or something I'll go watch tv in bed.
But because we both get time in the house alone and out doing hobbies we never feel like we need time away from each other when we're both in.

I wouldn't want 7 nights like that though and know my bf wouldn't either.
Could you stay up a few nights, him join you in bed earlier a few and a few you going up, him staying down?

8pm is really early to go to bed with the age of your children. Could understand if you had a newborn (even then its early IMO).

We tend to go to bed together. My husband works shifts so even tho some mornings he's up at 5am, we still go to bed around 10pm. When he's not on those shifts it's maybe an hour later.

We don't have a TV in the bedroom tho as I don't like them in there. Bed is for reading sleeping and xxx

So why do you think its abnormal?

It sounds like dh has told you he isnt jappy and you dont want to compromise.

Does it matter what other people do? Yoir dh is lonely. The relationship is in trouble if that doesnt bother you.

To be honest OP I would hate the kind of thing you describe - 8pm is so early that you're not really spending any of the evening together just relaxing and being together.

My boyfriend and I are very 'together' so we spend all evening together and go up to bed together - usually after 11, and often later at the weekend. He's more of a night owl than me so we compromise somewhere between when I would normally go up and when he would normally go to bed.

In fairness I would be perfectly happy to go up alone earlier sometimes - but I would never want to go up hours earlier every night and not even spend the evening together and if he was doing that to me I'd feel lonely and rejected too so I can totally understand how your DH feels.

Why don't you want to spend the evenings in his company? I understand needing a bit of quiet down time but not all evening every night.

8pm for me is a perfectly reasonable time. All my family go to bed early.

We always go to bed together during the week it's between10 and 11 weekends and holidays it can be anything between 1am and 3 am we don't need much sleep

rainsbow But it sounds like it's not working for your DH - is there maybe a compromise to be found?

Not really, we're both set in our ways. Our relationship isn't "normal" whatever "normal" is. We don't have sex (my choice). Really we coparent as friends in the same house if you strip it to the bare bones.

I go to bed between 10-11 and DH comes in with me and strokes me to sleep (I know, I know!) for about 20 mins each evening. He then stays up till about 12-1ish

Is he trying to tell you he's unhappy with this set up?

I don't really know why you're asking then? If you're not really a couple in the sex department and just co-parent, why does it matter what time you go to bed?

Or is your DH commenting?

Pinkhorse we've gone round and round a hundred times bringing the same things up. We are just the way we are and we just tick along.

We're 30 and 36

My DH gets tired from work so he often goes up before me, sometimes as early as 9.30. It caused problems a while ago as I would always stay downstairs later than him & he thought I was going off him. Now I still go up quite a bit later some of the time but we have talked things through & found ways around " having relations". A bit of afternoon delight!

rainsbow Are you happy with the way things are? It seems such a shame to me that you're no longer a functioning couple - that seems more of of an issue than what time you're both going to bed.

It's alright. We've been together over 5 years, got two kids. We lead our own lives really but that's alright. I do feel lonely a lot but I've got the kids. Thanks for asking.

We have the same set up in our house rainsbow. I head up around 9ish, DW goes to bed 11/12ish. I do it to avoid going to bed with her, though we do share a bed. I also tend to avoid her in the evenings doing housework, shopping etc. Family time is fine though.

We are also a coparenting couple more than anything else. I will be leaving her when I have fulfilled my responsibility to raise DCs I think. I wouldn't be surprised if your DH follows a similar route, but perhaps this isn't a bad thing for either of you?

This all makes me so sad. Of course children change relationships but living in something that's totally unfulfilling for you both must be awful. And is an unhealthy model of a relationship to set for your children. I don't believe that everyone should pursue romantic love at the expense of all other things but I do believe that we all deserve to share our lives with someone who fulfils us on a deeper level than just a housemate and co-parent. OP, Keepithidden - you all deserve more.

Would your happiness not be better for everyone? If you split you would still be coparenting but separated. And your children would see you happy, consequently enjoy you more?

Easier said than done I suppose, I'm sure you guys have reasons for staying xx

Op it wont carry on being 'alright' forever. At some point one of you wont be able to keep on being a couple who isnt really a couple.

Sounds like it will be him.