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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done the right thing haven't I?

75 replies

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 12:55

Boyfriend of a year recently kissed an old crush from childhood. She has been chasing him ever since. Doesn't seem to give a fuck about me and is probably gloating that I'm now out of the way.

He says it was a total mistake. That the minute she kissed him (yes, he insists SHE came on to HIM) he knew it was all wrong. But she has not stopped messaging him and trying to meet up ever since.

His family know her and are extremely fond of her. She has begged him not to tell his parents about her kissing him whilst he was in a relationship. They see her as some sort of fucking angel which pisses me off no end right now.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that it is over.

But I can't help wondering if I am overreacting. Is a mistaken kiss such a deal breaker?

Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing by ending what was otherwise a lovely relationship over a kiss.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/06/2017 13:12

Well he could have blocked her and told her to leave him alone, couldn't he? He could have moved his face away from hers instead of kissing her. He could have stopped it at any time before the kiss in fact.

Adora10 · 20/06/2017 13:21

Why is she even able to contact him, why did he not block her on everything, it sounds like she thinks she has a chance, so as well as cheating on you he's done nada to reassure you that she's out the picture so yeah, you definitely did the right thing.

Original poster

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 13:25

He wouldn't block her as she is an old family friend. His mother thinks of her as the daughter she never had and his father simply adores her.

That's why she has begged him not to mention the kiss to them. Doesn't want her halo to slip. But doesn't give a fuck about hurting me.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 20/06/2017 13:52

It's not her, it's all him OP.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 20/06/2017 13:57

As others will tell you: walk away now.

If you stayed with him......who do you think the other woman would be several years down the track ?

Guess, come on, just guess.

She's been chasing him ever since (wake up and smell the coffee).

Your now and should remain ex-boyfriend was enjoying the attention of two women.

It won't be long until him and this school crush are a couple. His parents have pretty much got them married to each other in their minds it seems.

It also sounds to me that he didn't do a great deal to discourage her or reassure you.

SparklyMagpie · 20/06/2017 14:02

Havn't you already posted about this OP?

suffolknclose · 20/06/2017 14:05

You've already posted about this OP are you fishing for a different answer?

Original poster

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 14:10

Yes I posted in AIBU but thought I'd repost in relationships as I am struggling a bit. Hope that's ok

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2017 14:28

You're always going to be a poor second OP.

Walk away

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 20/06/2017 14:32

He's an arse and you are better off without him.

Rumdoodler1 · 20/06/2017 14:37

You have absolutely done the right thing.
Don't waste any more time on him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/06/2017 14:44

I haven't seen your other thread OP so I'm only going on what you've written on this thread.

Personally I think you've played into her hands. You finish with him and she wins.

BUT this depends on your ex-BF. If he genuinely isn't/wasn't interested in her, although blocking her might have been tricky he could have avoided responding to her. If his parents questioned it, why couldn't he say "X tried to kiss me. I'm not interested in her romantically, I'm with OP, so I think it's best I give X some space right now"

Alternatively, your ex-BF could have enjoyed the attention of two women and encouraged X. In which case, you're well rid of him.

Original poster

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 14:48

Personally I think you've played into her hands. You finish with him and she wins.

So what would you have done then? Stay with him just so that she doesn't win? I'm not sure I understand what you are saying.

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 20/06/2017 14:51

i think you maybe have over reacted.
It was a kiss...a mistake...but people do make mistakes
on his side: he told you immediately, he says it was a mistake...he doesnt want to end it with you...

You can choose to walk away...
You can choose to sweep under rug and pretend it didn't happen

neither advisable

but you could talk to him...tell him again how you feel this girl is threatening your relationship, that it makes you feel he isnt committed to you, that you do not like feeling on edge around her and you do not wish to be in a relationship wereby you effectively are policing him
If he is willing to prove to you he is committed and this girl is effectively as much a problem to him , becuase she is making you unhappy ( for me that would no contact, block phone , fb etc and tell his family why he no longer wants to be friends with her) then it is not worth throwing away a lovely relationship over one kiss

just my opinion though

Adora10 · 20/06/2017 14:56

I kinda agree with above too but what concerns me is the fact she's been able to chase him since; if that was me I'd not be having chats with the man I cheated on my partner with; I don't care how much his parents like her, his actions are dubious not just because of the kiss but what's happened since.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/06/2017 15:02

Totally agree with theredjellybean.

If he wants to be with you OP, I wouldn't finish with him over one kiss that he regretted immediately and told you about. Everyone makes mistakes. I would, however, set some ground rules about no contact (just the two of them) with her and if he wasn't willing to abide by them or was encouraging her attention, then yes I'd finish it.

aginghippy · 20/06/2017 15:04

She has not stopped messaging him and trying to meet up ever since.
She has begged him not to tell his parents about her kissing him whilst he was in a relationship.

Why was he even communicating with her? So what if she is an old family friend? Yes, the kiss was a mistake, but it's this continuing contact with her that is the deal breaker. He showed little regard for your feelings. You have done the right thing.

Neverknowing · 20/06/2017 15:11

Tbh if she kissed him its not really his fault, sounds like a case of she likes him now she can't have him. But you have no way of telling that's what happened, I would give him a second chance IF he blocks her - can't talk to her at all, no family parties etc AND he's honest with his parents.

SparklingRaspberry · 20/06/2017 16:04

I would possibly forgive this however I would be making it clear that 1) he blocks her and has no contact, and 2) he tells his family about her.

If he isn't willing to do both of these things, then yes I'd walk away.

Original poster

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 17:37

Unfortunately blocking her is not an option. Even if he told his family they would probably think it was out of character and understand her taking a chance.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 20/06/2017 17:38

Game over then OP, I hope you find someone nice next time.

DrJZoidberg · 20/06/2017 18:14

I don't think you are overreacting. He still kissed her. He kissed someone that, if you stay together, is someone who will be around him and his family.

SparklyMagpie · 20/06/2017 19:54

You've made the right decision then OP,she'll always cause problems an the fact your ex has been tempted and did go ahead you'd never be able to trust him

MrsPeelyWaly · 20/06/2017 19:58

OP, this woman would forever be a thorn in your side. And yes you are hurting right now but I think you've saved yourself a lifetime of there always being a third person in your relationship.

Original poster

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:20

Ok. So I've just had a long conversation with him.

I'm shell shocked tbh.

Apparently she was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago. Is now in remission. But it got her thinking about life and what she wanted. And what she wants is him.

He doesn't feel he can block her or hurt her. He's torn between wanting to let her down gently and just letting her chasing him run its course. The kiss was a mistake and he thinks her subsequent crush will run into course as long as he doesn't encourage her interest.

OP posts:

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