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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have done the right thing haven't I?

75 replies

Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 12:55

Boyfriend of a year recently kissed an old crush from childhood. She has been chasing him ever since. Doesn't seem to give a fuck about me and is probably gloating that I'm now out of the way.

He says it was a total mistake. That the minute she kissed him (yes, he insists SHE came on to HIM) he knew it was all wrong. But she has not stopped messaging him and trying to meet up ever since.

His family know her and are extremely fond of her. She has begged him not to tell his parents about her kissing him whilst he was in a relationship. They see her as some sort of fucking angel which pisses me off no end right now.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that it is over.

But I can't help wondering if I am overreacting. Is a mistaken kiss such a deal breaker?

Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing by ending what was otherwise a lovely relationship over a kiss.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/06/2017 20:23

Uh-huh.

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:25

What do you mean category

If that's a troll suggestive post by all means report me to MNHQ.

I've been a regular poster for ages and NC'd for this thread.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/06/2017 20:27

No, I was uh-huhing about his very emotive reason for not blocking her.

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:29

Ok my mistake.

It is true about the cancer though. I have checked on her fb page.

OP posts:
DancingGoose · 20/06/2017 20:30

OP be careful here. He is effectively saying "sorry I did this awful thing but look at all these reasons why I can't put in appropriate boundaries to protect our relationship" - and they are all things where you cant win. He is silencing you.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 20/06/2017 20:30

Well if you don't mind sharing...........

DancingGoose · 20/06/2017 20:32

And cancer and his parents are forces you can't possibly argue against without looking unreasonable.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/06/2017 20:33

I have checked on her fb page

Which she wrote herself, so it must be true. Right?

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:35

I have checked on her fb page

Which she wrote herself, so it must be true. Right?

Much as I hate her right now, I very much doubt that she made it up just to get to my boyfriend a year later. Even she isn't that crazy and evil.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 20/06/2017 20:38

I know everyone on MN is massively cynical and assumes that every man is a lying cheat but it doesn't sound like an unreasonable explanation OP. You know him best but I would be tempted to work things out with him. Stay vigilant yes but if he's telling the truth (which it sounds like he is), I actually think that makes him a decent guy. Although he should have told you about the cancer a lot sooner as it's hardly being kept private if it's on her Facebook.

MrsPeelyWaly · 20/06/2017 20:43

Although he should have told you about the cancer a lot sooner as it's hardly being kept private if it's on her Facebook

The old crush is the elephant in the room. No one dare talk about her because non if it will add up. The bloke, his mother, and the crush are playing a seriously screwed up game.

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:43

Yes, that's sort of what I think too hundred.

I think he was taken aback by her forceful advances to begin with then panicked about telling me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 20:44

What do you mean MrsPeely?

I don't understand what you are saying.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/06/2017 20:50

If he was genuinely not interested in her and genuinely valued you and genuinely wanted her to have her best life with cancer, he'd have made sure she knew he is definitely not available and to look elsewhere. He'd have recruited other people to help. You wouldn't lead on a person with cancer now would you?

I'm afraid it smells like he can't decide if he wants her or he wants you.

You did the right thing.

Bonez · 20/06/2017 20:55

He needs to have a stern word with her to tell her it's not happening and if she wants him in her life she needs to back off. If he wants to be with you he will do that for you. She can't be let off the hook for every silly thing she's done because she used to be poorly.

MrsPeelyWaly · 20/06/2017 20:57

OP, I think they are all getting a kick out of this crush still being on the scene.

The crush is the daughter the mother never had? Nope. She's the daughter in law the mother wanted and still wants.

And the crush - your boyfriend is the one that got away and the one she still wants. And of course she's encouraged by the mother who probably hints to her - it will all work out one day.

And your (ex) boyfriend - well he's just revelling in it because he probably remembers the good old days. Probably even likes having a bit of a laugh with his mum about the crush and what if.

They're playing games and I would put money on them being together sooner rather than later - and of course it will all be about well of course he always did love her and the cancer made him realise just what she meant to him.

You are well out of it.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/06/2017 21:03

I'm afraid it smells like he can't decide if he wants her or he wants you

I totally disagree with this. If he wanted to be with her, he's had plenty of chances including right now. Instead he says he wants to be with the OP. Why would he lie? .

As for the childhood crush, how many people as adults want to be with their childhood crush? I know I don't. And again, given the closeness of their families and the fact she's been chasing him, he's had every opportunity to be with his childhood crush yet he's chosen not to be. It must be difficult with her chasing him and knowing about the cancer and no doubt caring very deeply for her (as a long time friend!) so no wonder he's been gentle with her rather than telling her to get lost. He'd be a real wanker if he started laying down the law given what she's been through. The guy is showing some compassion. Maybe some people on MN could try doing the same Wink

Neverknowing · 20/06/2017 21:07

But he CAN just block her op. Anyone can be cut out and if he loves you that's what he needs to do.

DrJZoidberg · 20/06/2017 21:53

You can show compassion to a childhood friend and lay down the law about being in a relationship at the same time.

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 20/06/2017 22:36

He'd be a real wanker if he started laying down the law given what she's been through.

I agree. Also I think he does love her. Not necessarily as a lover but as a friend he's known almost his entire life.

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWaly · 21/06/2017 04:13

OP, it's clear you are conflicted over this because it seems obvious to me that what you want to hear is people saying, don't be ridiculous, why break up with him for that?

You want it to have been very innocent yet it's a concept you're struggling with and probably because there's always been something about the entire thing that's unsettled you.

Why don't you just allow yourself to go back to him. You won't be doing it without being fully aware of who he might be.

AdalindSchade · 21/06/2017 04:18

I don't understand why her being in remission for cancer means he can't tell her he's not interested and to back off Confused
She's not dying, he's not in love with her, letting her burn her crush out is just mean and deceitful to be honest. He's being spineless and pathetic. There is always a way to respectfully and kindly let a person know you aren't interested.

Vanillaisboring666 · 21/06/2017 06:42

I'd stay to piss her off

Original poster
Disappointed6789 · 21/06/2017 14:02

So he told me last night that he did actually have sex with her. Said he couldn't live with this lie between us forever. Swears it won't ever happen again and that he was so confused by it all, she started crying her heart out about her cancer and that she realised too late that he was the love of her life. And he got swept up in the moment because he was in love with her for ages, right up until he met me.

We only got serious recently. And now that he knows how he really feels, it was the biggest mistake of his life if it means losing me. But that he had to find out whether there was a chance that she really was the one all along.

My head is spinning.

OP posts:
Tatiannatomasina · 21/06/2017 14:09

Game over. Walk away with your head held high. Do not engage. He does not value you, any man that did would never have sex with another woman. I am sorry, his behaviour is totally shit.

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