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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money - help me find the words to explain to my husband what is fair

73 replies

Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 10:03

We both used to earn £45k. After two kids I took a lower paid job and earn £27k.
Every time I try to formulate an argument as to why I should pay less into the joint account it ends up in a huge row. I think we should both have the same amount of 'pocket money' (for want of a better word) and so he should pay the higher proportion.
Each time we argue he says 'well we've never done that before, it was your choice to go into a lower paid role'. I can't get him to see that money is family money. We are going around in circles.
Please give me the words. We don't have a good marriage, but that's another story. I just don't seem to be able to reason with him.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/06/2017 10:16

Presumably you dont have childcare for days you arent working. Point out how much that is and say that if you were working those days that is his share of the childcare.

So if you have dropped down to a 3 day week and childcare would be 300 for those two days his share is 150 a week or 600 a month.

(I dont actually do this as a caveat it just seems it might be the way to get him to realise what it actually means!)

category12 · 20/06/2017 10:17

Did he not agree at the time there would be benefits to the family as a whole if you took the lower paid role? Does he see the benefits of it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2017 10:19

Caravan,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would read up on financial abuse and contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can also help you here.

You cannot and won't be able to reason with him because he is abusive. He really does think he is doing nothing wrong here.

Abuse is about power and control; some people can and do use money to further control their chosen victims His financial abuse of you now is another reason why your marriage is not a good one.

Do not do your bit here to further show your children that this is at all normal, I take it as read you would not want this model of a relationship for them going forward.

Desmondo2016 · 20/06/2017 10:22

Honestly... he's being a twat. Tell him what you're paying in and how much extra hell have to to cover the shortfall. What a dick. My dh puts in double now I'm on mat leave and I often find cash deposits in my own account so I can treat myself.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 10:22

I still work full time but in a less demanding role. One child in school, the other in nursery. I work flexibly and have pointed out the benefits of being able to drop the children off every day and collect from school twice a week.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 20/06/2017 10:22

I'm not sure why you're bothering with an argument.

It's just a statement of fact. "This is all I will be paying into the joint account. Its not up for debate." Then set up the standing order and get on with your life.

If he chooses to reduce his payment in line with yours then that tells you everything you need to know about his character - he needs to have more money than you.

Start squirreling away funds. You are going to need them.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 10:31

I have reduced my payments which has caused today's arguement. It just seems so obvious to me.
It's just when we argue I loose the ability to reason because of the way he is.
Thank a much for replying.
How does everyone else share income? In the same way?

OP posts:
suffolknclose · 20/06/2017 10:39

Having this debate with my DP. I suggested we put everything in and then take out a fixed amount of 'personal spends' each month and he thinks we should each pay in to cover the costs as it will make us budget the shared costs better rather than need to top up if we're running low.

He earns approx. 2.5x what I do and is happy to put in at this ratio but equally I'm happy he has more for personal spends than me as he does work very hard compared to me

suffolknclose · 20/06/2017 10:42

Posted too soon... the irony is he said I f I become a SAHM (I won't) then he's happy to cover all the bills and split the rest down the middle but again, I can't see how this tallies up fairly...

Spice22 · 20/06/2017 10:49

Did you speak to him when you changed jobs? I think that if he had no input in you changing jobs and seeing as it doesn't greatly benefit the family (childcare is still needed) , he's not being unreasonable to say it should remain equal. It would be nice if he would agree but I can see his side.

IMO the best way would be to put everything in the joint and then remove £250 each (for e.g) for spends. That way you are both fully contributing but have access to the same money. If he argues about this, ask him why he thinks he deserves more money than you.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 10:49

He has his own savings too. We do have joint savings as well.
His argued this morning that my car was bought from the joint account. I don't see things as mine and yours though. I just see what we need as a family.
If we split I can't afford to live in this house so I'm trapped.

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/06/2017 10:56

LTB and take a percentage of his wages as child maintenence and get yourself a night off or two every week. Honestly, it's not a good marriage, he doesn't see you as an equal. Fuck him. Set a good example to your DCs by showing them you don't settle for shit relationships.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/06/2017 10:58

Plenty of people find a way around the financial side of things - it seems so bleak but nothing is as bad as living in a loveless marriage. Make a new start in a new home if necessary and let him see how far his tightarse ways get him without you providing childcare on his days.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 10:59

I can't leave, firstly I love him. Secondly I can't afford to and don't have the emotional strength to.

He won't have one joint pot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 11:01

He has his own business and pays himself a small wage. I'd get fuck all in maintenance if I left.

His high monthly income comes from dividends and these don't count in maintenance.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/06/2017 11:02

Look I agree just tell him that is the way that it is

Hadalifeonce · 20/06/2017 11:05

I really don't understand all of this, surely all monies are family money? We put everything into a joint account, each have an amount going out into sole accounts monthly for whatever we want. ALL bills and household expenses come out of the joint account, everything.....

Butterymuffin · 20/06/2017 11:06

The income tax system is progressive: as people earn more, they are expected to pay more into the system to make things work smoothly for everyone. That's how you want your family money to work. Tell him that. You should both pay the same proportion (say, 60%) of your wages into a joint account.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 11:09

All was ok when we earned the same. Now he says I'm being unreasonable.

Yes we should have had this discussion ages ago but I thought that the solution was pretty clear!

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 20/06/2017 11:11

No need to argue or persuade him. Just state your position, do what you feel is fair, then it's up to him whether he accepts it or not. This is what he has done to you so far. He can't physically force you to pay more into the joint account. The alternative is for you to return to a higher paid role and leave him to sort out the school runs, flexible working etc. that your lower paid job has enabled you to do. Financially he wants to have his cake and eat it. It's up to you whether you let him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2017 11:14

Caravan,

re your comment:-
"I can't leave, firstly I love him. Secondly I can't afford to and don't have the emotional strength to."

Do not screw your own self further over by thinking like this or grow flowers in the hole he has dug for you. He has done more than enough emotional harm to you (and in turn his children) already. One day your children will leave home, what then for you and this individual?.

Do you love him or are you simply confusing love with co-dependency.

No man is above the law here and a forensic accountant would soon get to the bottom of the finances.

You know this is wrong otherwise you would not have posted. Is this what you want for your children as well to learn about relationships. What are they learning from the two of you here?.

Original poster
Caravan21 · 20/06/2017 11:16

Thanks, it's hard to have a fairness conversation when you are rowing.
Here's my arguement

  1. It's family money
  2. Benefits of my flexible working
  3. He doesn't deserve more money than me, or the other way around
  4. It's the kids missing out, we could have a nicer house (needs a re Dec)

I know it's a crap situation but I don't want to and can't leave.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2017 11:17

suffolknclose

And what you describe on your own situation could lead to financial abuse.

MorrisZapp · 20/06/2017 11:20

I'm not sure why he's being called an abuser. I'd need to know more about the circumstances in which op took a big pay drop before judging. What was his view about your career change when it happened?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2017 11:21

"I know it's a crap situation but I don't want to and can't leave".

Why do you not want to and cannot leave?. What are the reasons for staying; you want to show your children that yes, this is how people do behave in relationships?.

Do not simply continue what he has done to you already by thinking like this. It will further destroy you; what you are describing here is really another nail in your relationship coffin.