I think I'm an arse but I don't know how to stop

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Sigh. DH and I have just had this conversation for the 1875237th time and it got us nowhere. Again. I think maybe the problem is me.

DH is a great dad - he is patient and really caring and super responsive. He is also kind and supportive and totally supports my career. And I love him.

But!!! He takes no responsibilty for household maintenance. He will do laundry and dishes. But painting the fence, washing the cars, diy, gardening, household emergencies - just nope, not unless directly and specifically asked, and then with a bad grace.

Today I got home at 7pm from a family funeral 350 miles away. To find some type of beetle infestation in the house. DH shrugged 'there are always insects around at this time of year'. Not dozens of them crawling around one room!!!

I had planned on relaxing but obviously scrapped that, started trying to tackle the bugs. DH making himself a snack. I look out the window and see waist high grass and peeling paint on the fence. Because I don't have time to fucking do it all, I work ft, I spend evenings and weekends when dd naps doing all the big jobs I can, but this is an old damp house and I cannot do it all.

I sort of got cross and said as much to dh. Who said, well why hadn't I asked him to cut the grass? Oh I don't know, maybe because I'm not his line manager and I thought he might actually take some actual initiative?????

I feel controlling and bossy. I hate arguments. But I also hate living in a pigstye and I cannot do it all, I just can't.

Do a rota. Sit down with him and work it out so that you're both happy then all the jobs get done without anyone having to moan at anyone. Some people just lack motivation and initiative and while it isn't an excuse it's also not worth arguing over for the rest of your lives, especially as you don't seem to have any other issues

Catching up on posts but mrsmuddle I think you are being a bit unfair! I dont regard this stuff as manwork!! I regard it as stuff that needs doing - and I do it! This spring, I have scrubbed the slimy patio, washed both cars once per month, mowed lawn, started fence painting, priced products to revamp decking, and washed interior walls.

My point is not that he should do it instead of me, my point is he should help!!!

And yeah, I am way more practical than Dh. Since we moved in, I have redecorated several rooms inc heavy duty stuff such as dismantling built in wardrobes and taking to dump. I have bought all the tools we own from my cordless drill to paintbrushes to lawn tools to car washing stuff. I enjoy working outside and decorating.

But I am out of the house 745am-6pm M-F and given that evenings are spent decluttering, doing laundry, household admin, washing up etc there is a limit to how much big stuff can ger done. So then it's only weekends - when it isn't raining - so with such limits on our time I need my life partner to get outside and HELP not be checking the cricket and having a coffee and saying 'in a minute'.

This is stressing me out right now as from July I will be assuming a big line managememt role and I will need to take work home of an evening. I just cannot come home, do bedtime AND washing up AND laundry AND sort out blasted bugs AND paint the kitchen ceiling AND do work emails. DH is thinking about going pt but not for a bit and not confident how much diff it will make.

Argh. I am sorry to be so moany. Pp are right that I need to throw money at it or organise a rota but I am sick of doing all the headspace stuff. I do that at work.

I need to throw money at it or organise a rota Well no, OP, really your DH needs to step up.

How you get him to do that I don't know.

There's a big disparity between "great dad - he is patient and really caring and super responsive. He is also kind and supportive and totally supports my career" and - watches me struggle to everything round the house & garden and doesn't lift a finger.

What do you do that directly benefits him? Stop doing that.

category12 is right. I note that many of the suggestions from posters (draw up a rota, compile a task list, hire someone), while practical and all, still make everything your responsibility.

My exh needed 'managing' but then said I was nagging so I ended up doing it all myself then thought why the f*ck do I need a man?!

Funny he said no men do household chores... I found one! He's irons, cooks cleans without any prompting from me at all because he is happy to share the load..

Thanks all.

Josh top tip about the anti mould solution. I have done Ronseal anti mould primer/ undercoat but the mould comes thru! Is what you suggest different?

JohnnyMcGrath

In my experience, primer will only work where the mould growth is very limited. If the growth, and the damp that is promoting it, is very serious, then it just gets overwhelmed.

What I used was Toupret Humi Stop (think you can get it on Amazon) - it's not unlike liquid plastic, and creates a barrier that the mould can't come through. It goes on like thin paint, and when it's dry you just paper or paint over it.

The only thing is that if you are having to scrub mould fairly constantly it sounds like you have a reasonably serious moisture/humidity problem in the house. The humi stop won't stop that happening - all it'll do is cover up the most obvious symptom.

"What do you do that directly benefits him? Stop doing that"

^This. I stopped doing laundry for dh. He has his own seperare washing basket now that is always full, but I've trained myself to ignore it. He still moans that he never has clean clothes "erm maybe you should wash some then "

dp*

Unfortunately, op wants change and her dh doesn't so its going to be down to her to put the initial effort in.
Sit down with him, explain how you feel and ask him what suggestion he can come up with.
If he can't, then you can say that a rota is fair. You can't be doing everything.
When you get the rota down and up and running, you'll free up the head space that you need for you.

Josh lol. I could not be with a man who saw fit to let me dig the ground and climb onto a roof to replace tiles, wash the car, mow the lawn and other jobs while he did what exactly? scratched his arse? baked cookies? hahahahahhahaa

I could not be with a man who saw fit to let me dig the ground and climb onto a roof to replace tiles, wash the car, mow the lawn and other jobs while he did what exactly?

So you could not be with someone who expected you to take an equal share of necessary tasks?

My husband would probably find it quite sexy if I mowed the lawn.

We don't have a lawn.

Well first on my list of necessary tasks would be digging under the patio.

I like a man to be a fucking man. Who wants a wimp for a man? *Shudder

I like a man to be a fucking man. Who wants a wimp for a man? Shudder*

I see [puts down shovel, wipes sweat and grease from brow with manly forearm]

[belts you with shovel]

Is that what the patio is for, then?

Indeed. And now you'll know how fast I can dig.

Cookie anyone? My husband baked them. He's so sweet.

cookiemonster- I am a man who, like your DH, hates housework. HATES it

I think most people hate it, male and female alike. I for one take no enjoyment whatsoever out of scrubbing sh*t out of the toilet, but I just suck it up and do it (not literally, that would be disgusting )

Well this hole isn't gonna hide a body, and with this aggregate and sand mix anyone standing on it is going to notice a smell....

Why are you still speaking when you're dead and buried under the patio?

Time for a concrete back yard me thinks.

If he goes part time, do you really think he will step up with the jobs at home? Because it sounds like he won't tbh.

Better he stays full time and use that money to pay for jobs to be done.