I think I'm an arse but I don't know how to stop

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Sigh. DH and I have just had this conversation for the 1875237th time and it got us nowhere. Again. I think maybe the problem is me.

DH is a great dad - he is patient and really caring and super responsive. He is also kind and supportive and totally supports my career. And I love him.

But!!! He takes no responsibilty for household maintenance. He will do laundry and dishes. But painting the fence, washing the cars, diy, gardening, household emergencies - just nope, not unless directly and specifically asked, and then with a bad grace.

Today I got home at 7pm from a family funeral 350 miles away. To find some type of beetle infestation in the house. DH shrugged 'there are always insects around at this time of year'. Not dozens of them crawling around one room!!!

I had planned on relaxing but obviously scrapped that, started trying to tackle the bugs. DH making himself a snack. I look out the window and see waist high grass and peeling paint on the fence. Because I don't have time to fucking do it all, I work ft, I spend evenings and weekends when dd naps doing all the big jobs I can, but this is an old damp house and I cannot do it all.

I sort of got cross and said as much to dh. Who said, well why hadn't I asked him to cut the grass? Oh I don't know, maybe because I'm not his line manager and I thought he might actually take some actual initiative?????

I feel controlling and bossy. I hate arguments. But I also hate living in a pigstye and I cannot do it all, I just can't.

[Emboo19]

I'm feeling a tad guilty reading your post Op! Although me and my bf share the household chores, I take no responsibility for house/garden maintenance, I did a bit of decorating when we first got the house, but that's it. I've never washed my car either and he's just booked it in for it's mot for me.

I'm totally for equality too, honest!! I just don't think of it in the same way as I do, day to day chores like cleaning, cooking etc. And honestly I think of most of those things as jobs you'd pay someone to do.
Maybe your dp is the same, did his parents do those kind of jobs or pay someone to do them? My parents were more the put if off or get my grandpa to do it pay someone else neither really do diy, at all!!
My bf's mum was a diy expert and he helped from a young age.

Talk to him, decide where both your strengths lie and work out a equal share of jobs. And warn him, you don't want to have to remind him of his share, if he needs a reminder he can put it in his phone or something quickly adds a mot reminder to my own phone for next year

[category12]

You're making a big of a mug of yourself by doing all that and consoling yourself with the threat of he has to look after his own dd tomorrow morning. Oh noes! How will he cope when you have mown the lawn and dealt with the bugs and cleaned the kitchen...

[dogfish1]

Couple of tips:

• if the damp is from condensation within the house then damp proofing treatments won't work. You need to dry the place out. This is particularly common on cold walls, i.e. external. Get a dehumidifier with a humidity meter and run it regularly especially in winter.
  
• your DH sounds like a nice guy, but a slob. But if he is a nice guy he should have observed how hard you're working at home and pitched in. So perhaps he is simply the latter. Most decent men want to feel useful. Tell him how annoying he is, then if he doesn't step soon, up take retaliation. Don't wash his clothes or his car or cook him anything to eat, for a start. If that doesn't work you can escalate it into something heavier.
  

Alternatively you could take the usual approach and simply have low level sniping for the next 15 years then divorce after that.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

I suggest you both sit down together and write a list of every job that needs doing. Then between you both split them up into his/your work load. Stick list to fridge.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Ahem. Eyes up Josh and user......

Ah MrsMuddles sorry if I did misunderstand!

Teen maybe you are right. I feel a little better tonight - was a bit tired and emotional after funeral yesterday. Tonight dh is out and I have put dd to bed, done work emails, mowed and raked lawn, and now going to clean kitchen and tackle horrible bugs before sorting out my early morning swim bag for tomorrow - dh can do dd!!!!

[TestTubeTeen]

OP.

It isn't YOUR headspace or actual job to sort the rota and buy in help. Beyond asking him to sit down and discuss it, everything else is joint and shared.

But it is an issue that he is not pulling his weight. Unfortunately only you can tell him how that makes you feel.

Given his lower drive to get things done, I would make sure that I did NONE of his rota jobs. So, say you agree to mow the lawn alternate weeks and he misses a week, you simply do not do it the folllwing week. Your turn does not kick in again until after he has taken his turn.

He won't change by magic. I agree getting someone to change takes emotional energy, but compared to your current frustrations it is an investment.

I think MrsMuddles was commenting on other posters definitions of man jobs, not yours! You are clearly an all rounder!

[AnyFucker]

...and of course women just love housework

[FrogFairy]

If he goes part time, do you really think he will step up with the jobs at home? Because it sounds like he won't tbh.

Better he stays full time and use that money to pay for jobs to be done.

[user1496484020]

Why are you still speaking when you're dead and buried under the patio?

Time for a concrete back yard me thinks.

[JoshLymanJr]

Well this hole isn't gonna hide a body, and with this aggregate and sand mix anyone standing on it is going to notice a smell....

[WithCheesePlease]

cookiemonster- I am a man who, like your DH, hates housework. HATES it

I think most people hate it, male and female alike. I for one take no enjoyment whatsoever out of scrubbing sh*t out of the toilet, but I just suck it up and do it (not literally, that would be disgusting )

[user1496484020]

Indeed. And now you'll know how fast I can dig.

Cookie anyone? My husband baked them. He's so sweet.

[JoshLymanJr]

Is that what the patio is for, then?

[user1496484020]

[belts you with shovel]

[JoshLymanJr]

I like a man to be a fucking man. Who wants a wimp for a man? Shudder*

I see [puts down shovel, wipes sweat and grease from brow with manly forearm]

[user1496484020]

Well first on my list of necessary tasks would be digging under the patio.

I like a man to be a fucking man. Who wants a wimp for a man? *Shudder

[BigYellowJumper]

My husband would probably find it quite sexy if I mowed the lawn.

We don't have a lawn.

[JoshLymanJr]

I could not be with a man who saw fit to let me dig the ground and climb onto a roof to replace tiles, wash the car, mow the lawn and other jobs while he did what exactly?

So you could not be with someone who expected you to take an equal share of necessary tasks?

[user1496484020]

Josh lol. I could not be with a man who saw fit to let me dig the ground and climb onto a roof to replace tiles, wash the car, mow the lawn and other jobs while he did what exactly? scratched his arse? baked cookies? hahahahahhahaa

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Unfortunately, op wants change and her dh doesn't so its going to be down to her to put the initial effort in.
Sit down with him, explain how you feel and ask him what suggestion he can come up with.
If he can't, then you can say that a rota is fair. You can't be doing everything.
When you get the rota down and up and running, you'll free up the head space that you need for you.

[WickedLazy]

dp*

[WickedLazy]

"What do you do that directly benefits him? Stop doing that"

^This. I stopped doing laundry for dh. He has his own seperare washing basket now that is always full, but I've trained myself to ignore it. He still moans that he never has clean clothes "erm maybe you should wash some then "

[JoshLymanJr]

JohnnyMcGrath

In my experience, primer will only work where the mould growth is very limited. If the growth, and the damp that is promoting it, is very serious, then it just gets overwhelmed.

What I used was Toupret Humi Stop (think you can get it on Amazon) - it's not unlike liquid plastic, and creates a barrier that the mould can't come through. It goes on like thin paint, and when it's dry you just paper or paint over it.

The only thing is that if you are having to scrub mould fairly constantly it sounds like you have a reasonably serious moisture/humidity problem in the house. The humi stop won't stop that happening - all it'll do is cover up the most obvious symptom.

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Thanks all.

Josh top tip about the anti mould solution. I have done Ronseal anti mould primer/ undercoat but the mould comes thru! Is what you suggest different?

[ineedsummer1]

Funny he said no men do household chores... I found one! He's irons, cooks cleans without any prompting from me at all because he is happy to share the load..