I think I'm an arse but I don't know how to stop

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Sigh. DH and I have just had this conversation for the 1875237th time and it got us nowhere. Again. I think maybe the problem is me.

DH is a great dad - he is patient and really caring and super responsive. He is also kind and supportive and totally supports my career. And I love him.

But!!! He takes no responsibilty for household maintenance. He will do laundry and dishes. But painting the fence, washing the cars, diy, gardening, household emergencies - just nope, not unless directly and specifically asked, and then with a bad grace.

Today I got home at 7pm from a family funeral 350 miles away. To find some type of beetle infestation in the house. DH shrugged 'there are always insects around at this time of year'. Not dozens of them crawling around one room!!!

I had planned on relaxing but obviously scrapped that, started trying to tackle the bugs. DH making himself a snack. I look out the window and see waist high grass and peeling paint on the fence. Because I don't have time to fucking do it all, I work ft, I spend evenings and weekends when dd naps doing all the big jobs I can, but this is an old damp house and I cannot do it all.

I sort of got cross and said as much to dh. Who said, well why hadn't I asked him to cut the grass? Oh I don't know, maybe because I'm not his line manager and I thought he might actually take some actual initiative?????

I feel controlling and bossy. I hate arguments. But I also hate living in a pigstye and I cannot do it all, I just can't.

[TestTubeTeen]

Together, make a list of all the regular jobs (lawn mowing etc) and maintenance jobs ( fence painting) and structural jobs (getting the damp sorted)

Make a plan: who is responsible, is lawn done on a rota, would money be better spent on gardener / fence painter or saved, on a plan towards getting the damp sorted.

Have a discussion when you are calm and relaxed, not seething, tell him how you feel, livjng between beetles and long grass, but you need to treat him like an adult partner, not his line manager.

Also, people have different priorities: discuss those, too,

Break it all down and have a plan, then it will seem less of a burden and less overwhelming.

[mrsmuddlepies]

How can posters not see the stereotyped, sexist attitudes in all the posts. There is so much criticism of women being expected by partners to do wife work but nobody questions the following post
Get a handiman in or a reliable retired neighbour who would like to earn a few ££ to paint the fence and any other man stuff. Dh needs to fund it if he wont do it.
'Man stuff' is that the equivalent of 'Wife work' ? Really ?

[rhodes2015]

I don't think your an arse.
This is what I live with too so no advice, apologies!
But I know how incredibly draining it can be.
I let it build and build and then I have an epic meltdown about it, not the way to handle it I know but I hate to nag constantly but that's what I would have to do to get him to do anything!
He says "just ask me and I'll do it "
But why doesn't he see the grass is waist height, why doesn't it bother him? Why do I have to ask him to do his share!
and when I ask he sulks!

[BigYellowJumper]

testtube That worked for us. We both have relatively similar standards and do more or less the same amount of stuff at home, but I work fewer hours than him and I also have more experience living alone, so I did tend to be doing a lot more stuff than he was. We were determined not to fall into that trap of me doing everything and then managing everything on top of it too.

We made a list with everything that needed to be done, including how often it needed to be done. When we have done it, we tick it off the list each week.

[TestTubeTeen]

I completely agree with MrsMuddlePies .

They are HOUSEHOLD jobs, to be addressed together. If there is money to outsource, then it is a joint decision: cleaner, gardener or fence-painting hand person.

Come on into the C21st, all 50s housewives!

[mrsmuddlepies]

Thank you test tube teen. Anyone who wants reminding that sexist attitudes are alive and flourishing on MN needs to read this post.
I mow the lawn, I don't weep with rage because my husband hasn't noticed it needs mowing. Lawn mowers work for women as well as men.

[category12]

Women have the worst of all worlds these days - we're supposed to work full-time, still end up picking up the vast majority of housework & household management and lawn-mowers etc are not just for men, so we can do the whole lot.

This is why I'm happier living on my own than with a bloke, because at least all the stuff there is to do falls on me and I know there's no-one else who'll do it. Far better than the resentment of having another full-grown adult in the house who sits on his arse and claims to be unable to see the work that needs doing or that he needs instruction. Fuck that.

[paradoxicalInterruption]

category12 yep - you've hit the nail on the head.

[JoshLymanJr]

Far better than the resentment of having another full-grown adult in the house who sits on his arse and claims to be unable to see the work that needs doing or that he needs instruction. Fuck that.

Why do you think this is an exclusive gripe of women? It would never in a million years occur to my wife that she could cut the grass, or wash the car, or start digging for the patio she wants, or repair the slates that got damaged in last night's gales. If I ignored housework, etc as "woman's work" I would quite rightly catch hell, but it seems perfectly OK for her to declare things "men's work" to get out of doing things.

[WickedLazy]

DP is like this too! It's like he has no iniative. Will do things if I ask him (often also with bad grace) but if I didn't ask, it wouldn't occur to him. He doesn't even think to clean the toilet after himself. I have to say "erm can you clean the bog?", "oh is it dirty?"

[mrsmuddlepies]

Even the word 'handiman' is old fashioned. I know loads of friends where the man is doing renovation on a 'doer upper', spending all hours not at work carrying out house improvements and then his female partner insists he cooks every other night.
I am not downplaying women who do everything but honestly how many women do you know who have re-plumbed or rewired the family home?
The posters on here seem to expect me to do 'manstuff' and yet condemn the notion of 'wifework'.

[WickedLazy]

initiative*

[category12]

Josh: I'm talking about women ending up doing all of it. I don't declare anything men's or women's work, in fact I like powertools and mowing. The OP here works, and picks up the lion's share of the work at home whether that's traditionally "men's work" or "women's work". What sucks is having an equally capable adult in the house who doesn't bother thinking of what needs doing or ignores the obvious (bug infestation) after she's driven home 350 miles from a funeral(!) and leaves it to the other person.

At least when there were traditional men's jobs at home, the division of labour was obvious. Whereas it's proven that women still pick up about 70% of housework while working fulltime.

[mrsmuddlepies]

Sorry should have said 'men' not me above. I am female, married to a man who is practical in the kitchen and brilliant at diy. To be honest, he is so much more likely to tidy up and spot mess than I am. Most men in our circle of friends are hands on as well and equal partners. I know a male surgeon whose wife is a stay at home mum but insists her husband does all the night wakes and cooks each evening. He is not a brain surgeon but is pretty tired during the day (which is kind of worrying). It would also be worrying if their roles were reversed.

[WickedLazy]

Ny dp has no notion of what it is to be a "handyman". I'm the handywoman in this house! If anything electric is broken, I'm the one to tinker with it until it's fixed. A bike chain comes off, I put it on again. I once spent 5 or 6 hours digging concrete edgings out of my garden (from previous tennant) that the males in my family argued couldn't be done. Starting to realise "can't be done" or "can't be done without a raft of complicated tools" just means "can't be arsed". I once had to put up an 8ft trampoline by myself (4 hours!) or it would still be lying in the box (ditto bookcases and other flaatpack furniture that was much easier to put up). The few times he has helped with painting, he's left a mess for me to clean up. Would have been easier to do it myself (and not have nearly dried paint all over floor to deal with).

[GerdaLovesLili]

I think this is relevant. gavetadeesquilo.com/2017/06/02/you-shouldve-asked-era-so-pedir/

[JoshLymanJr]

What sucks is having an equally capable adult in the house who doesn't bother thinking of what needs doing or ignores the obvious

I'm well aware this sucks - as the only person in our house who works full-time, does any real cooking, ironing, household maintenance, decorating, lifts anything heavier than a newspaper or knows what "Philips head" refers to I know what an imbalance in workloads feels like.

[paradoxicalInterruption]

I often do the DIY in the house as DH hates it - or organise someone else to do it. But...he does other stuff - most of the washing, a lot of the cleaning, washing the cars etc etc.

[mrsmuddlepies]

I am sure there are women like me who mow the lawn and paint walls (I hope so anyway!) Seriously though, how many of you know women who have re structured homes (wiring, plumbing etc) compared to male friends? I am not saying it's right but I wish the desire to end traditional wife work extended to attitudes to 'man stuff' (see previous post, not my word).

[category12]

Most of the keen male DIYers I know start jobs and rip things out willy-nilly but are very slow on the finishing up. My previous partner was as incapable of rewiring or replumbing the house as I am. :)

The thing about the big jobs like that, is they only need doing once in a blue moon (although they can drag out in time ). Whereas the housework and mowing and all that are a constant grind.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

You need to divide the chores so it's fair. If your dh has no initiative and expects to be managed, then you may as well as do that.
Treat it like work. Have a meeting and and have daily, weekly and monthly task list then allocate them.

[rhodes2015]

Yes I didn't mean to pick out mowing the lawn because it's a mans job and he "should" do it, I am usually happy to mow the lawn, the garden is my hobby, not his and I enjoy doing it but I'm 38weeks pregnant and he still won't pick up anything extra up.

[category12]

I like LiveLifeWithPassion's suggestion. But don't forget to consider the planning of this system of chores is part of the work you do.

[Adora10]

No need for cleaners and handymen if only the OH would pitch in, sorry but to me it shows a fundamental lack of respect for what is both your sanctuary and for me, not a good trait to have, for him to say, tell me what to do is pathetic, just another excuse not to do anything and let you carry the load. I also think some posts sexist, I mean he's a man, hire someone, I doubt the same would be said to a woman so easily.

[thingscanonlygetbetterrrr]

We have a cleaner/ironing lady, gardener and window cleaner. Even when money has been tighter than it is now, we cut our cloth in other areas first. I hate mowing, OH would probably chop his toes off, I don't mind cleaning and ironing but resent if others make a mess after hours of work on my part, neither of us like cleaning windows or shimmying up ladders. But, these jobs are a constant process and can't be left until once in a blue moon so by paying others to do them we never have that argument and no-one resents the other about them. That said I still have to leave lists/clear instructions for other things that need doing so the mental load is mine which can be tiring. Any moans and groans about x, y or z task I offer to swap for whatever I'm doing at the same time. That usually results in the original task being done having realised that it's better suited to his skills while I'm doing the ones better suited to mine (as well as ones he hates!).