Six years ago my closest friend stopped talking to me. She blocked me on social media. Refused to answer my calls and bad mouthed me to a lot of people in our local community.
I am not sure what this was triggered by, but I have a few suspicions: I used to work with her and I had just got a job in a different town which was a promotion where I had to move away. We had an over intense friendship (seeing each other every day, at each other’s houses after work, sharing money,) and so I can see that the change could have made her angry or upset if she felt stuck where she was.
I also got married and started having children at the time and she might have predicted that I’d no longer be at her beck and call – even though I would never have sacked the friendship because I got married or had DC. I really value my friends.
Thirdly, she ended up having a relationship with my abusive ex who I’d been with ten years (before I met my husband.) She had been the one who talked me through the end of the relationship, saw his worst behavior, helped me get out, pack my bags etc. She got with him about 4 years ago, and broke up with him 2 years ago. ( I had heard she was with him through mutual friends although their relationship has now ended.)
I never would have stopped speaking to her or thrown years of friendship down the toilet, for any of these reasons, but she seemed to not have much faith in that. She was adopted and fostered throughout her childhood and always said she has a hard time trusting people.
So while I sympathise with that, I really don’t want to be friends with someone who can treat me like this.
The problem is, she has done quite a lot of damage to my reputation. We work in the same industry, so it’s professional damage as well as social damage. She is a very charming person upon first meeting, much more charming than I am. Good looking and passionate and funny. She makes friends quickly and gains loyalty quickly, and I have noticed that it has greatly affected my relationships with some people refusing to work with me or to know or acknowledge me socially, especially some of the big clients in the area. This was especially a kick in the teeth when I moved companies (from the one we worked at) as she made it her life's mission to ruin all my client relationships.
I have no idea what she’s been saying.
She and I still have mutual friends, who – every time I’ve asked what the problem is – just shrug and tell me she’s jealous and I need to rise above it. And I have. It has been six years after all and I’ve survived but been terribly hurt.
Anyway, a mutual friend has been in touch to tell me that she thinks my old friend wants to be back in touch with me and would I like her to organize a coffee for the three of us. My first reaction was YES. I have suffered for six years not knowing what it was that caused the rift, and suffered the professional damage too. And while there is no way I will be close friends with her ever again, I would welcome the opportunity to clear the air and neutralize things so I (we?) can both move on.
Mutual friend said okay great, I’ll organize it. She forwarded a text she received back from my old friend, positive about meeting and trying to find a time and a day. Old friend has also unblocked me on social media so I can now see the public version of her profiles, I presume so if we become “friends” and “add” each other again she doesn’t have to talk about why she did it in the first place.
Mutual friend messaged me last night and told me that I must keep it “light.” That I mustn’t jump in with a “why did you do this to me?” and that we should all talk about neutral subjects during our coffee. But the thing is, I have been so hurt. And she’s done so much, that I feel this coffee is now designed to disregard my feelings, sweep things under the carpet and re-establish a fake friendship where nothing is ever spoken about and she gets the benefits of friendship with me again without ever having to explain her behavior.
What happened was and is a huge deal to me. At the times that I have seen her in public since she stopped speaking to me, my heart has pounded in my chest and sweat has pricked under my armpits, and I’ve thought about it for hours afterwards and gone over it with other people.
But I am also tempted by the opportunity this presents to undo the professional damage. Even if she is a total cow, who doesn’t give a toss about me, simply neutralizing things, forgetting it never happened, being friends again on social media (a big deal in our job btw) should restore things professionally for me.
WWYD?