DH agrees with light slapping. Would it be wrong to cut our relationship here?

[walkthiswaytalkthatway]

We are at the stage where we were discussing trying for a baby. It's something we always knew we both wanted.

We married 3 years ago and he's everything to me.

We discussed different things and I said absolutely no hitting, etc. and he agreed but thinks a light slap is okay and I appreciate it's legal but it's a massive no for me.

Would this be enough for you to leave?

Depends - is he happy to follow your way of thinking and if so do you trust him to do so?

I find the idea of slapping my DC abhorrent but I have a vague recollection that pre their arrival I thought a light slap was ok. It was how I and virtually everyone I knew had been brought up.

It's one of those things on which opinions change once babies arrive.

he agreed but thinks a light slap is okay

You or his child?

If only the child, why is ok to light slap someone who cannot get away from him?

It is a deal breaker for me. Is he happy to not do it if you agree?

This is all theoretical. You shouldn't leave him over it. Tell him you disagree. Once he sees his baby he might feel totally differently.

To leave? This escalated quickly!

Is there no way you can resolve this hypothetical slap of a hypothetical child?

Wow, you haven't even got a baby yet. There must be other issues.

Actually I'm being responsible! Surely just because it's a hypothetical child shouldn't matter when our plans are to have a real one?

Was he saying that he theoretically thinks a light slap would be ok, but he is prepared to go with your opinion as a joint approach? Or is he insistent that he would expect to slap them?

This is all theoretical. You shouldn't leave him over it. Tell him you disagree. Once he sees his baby he might feel totally differently.

Ah yes, wait for the baby to arrive and see if he hits it anyway. Great plan!

He isn't willing to accept it. He's said "when you're disciplining you do it your way and then when I am I'll do it my way"

I had this with my exh. I told him straight I would accept physical chastisement under any circumstances. When dd was born he was so in awe of her. He's never smacked her or thought about it. We are divorced for other reasons but especially now he wouldn't dare - he knows I would go batshit and report him. On reflection though he was happy enough to drop it

No, I wouldn't be happy about having a child with this man.

Ah just seen your last post op. That would be a deal breaker - children need consistency. And to not be hit

Did he clarify that its only under certain circs eg hand in socket?

Have you said that this makes you unwilling to have a baby with him? I'm somewhat surprised that no other differences in world view have come up over the last 3+ years though...

I can see that people may feel differently pre-kids to when they actually appear. His insistence would worry me. What was his upbringing like?

This conversation took place way prior to marriage for us.

You have to be able to agree a consistent way of dealing with things. Parents need to work as a team.

@Columbine1 we've known each other 6 years and nothing else has come up! No he thinks as just a punishment in general. We were both hit when growing up and I know I was scared of my parents and he was too but claims it makes them behave and I hate that.

You might not conceive for 10 years, in which case he might have changed his thoughts. Crazy planning that far ahead.

@ThroughThickAndThin01 but what if I fall pregnant straight away and he hasn't changed his mind by the time baby is here?

DP was/is of the same mind that a light slap is appropriate, I on the other hand wasn't, we had a massive discussion on it and he has never laid a hand on DS (5)

I think it was the way he was bought up, not really sure. If your DH isn't willing to try different methods, then you might find working as a team very difficult.

Its hard enough to parent as it is,, near impossible if you don't work together, myself and DP have very different parenting techniques but we work together on the major things.

It depends on when he thinks a light slap is OK.
E.g. Child about to stick their fingers in a plug, a light slap on the hand so they pull away is probably ok in my book. Sometimes that shock factor is needed.

But if he means it's OK as part of disciplining children day to day then that's a very different situation.

I am in my 50s & remember being hit as a child plus the injustice of it when I hadn't done whatever the misdemeanour was. My father never smacked me again after that.
I'm sad that people young enough to have kids now were also smacked. I agree you have to be firm on this - can't he see the injustice in the imbalance of power & strength? And that it implies force prevails...
Most people want to at least adapt how their parents parented with changing social mores. I'm hopeful you can persuade him :)

He's not willing to come to any sort of compromise - that in itself would be a deal breaker for me, regardless of the topic being discussed.

If you try to raise children in two such differing methods, the children will play you off each other and learn to distrust one or the other (or both of you).

But it basically comes back to compromise: what happens when you disagree on how/when to wean? Which school to choose...?

I couldn't have a child with someone who either thought it was ok to hit them, or wouldn't respect my wish for them not to be hit.

I couldn't be in the same place while they hit my child without jumping to their defence, and I wouldn't trust them to be alone with my child.

My dh has many faults but this one would be a major deal breaker for me. Well done for discussing now.