DH agrees with light slapping. Would it be wrong to cut our relationship here?

[walkthiswaytalkthatway]

We are at the stage where we were discussing trying for a baby. It's something we always knew we both wanted.

We married 3 years ago and he's everything to me.

We discussed different things and I said absolutely no hitting, etc. and he agreed but thinks a light slap is okay and I appreciate it's legal but it's a massive no for me.

Would this be enough for you to leave?

So what are his views on hitting adults if they don't behave as he wants them to? If he would hit in those circumstances, it would be a deal breaker. If he wouldn't he needs to explain why he thinks it is OK to hit a small child.

You also need to ask him what he thinks about setting a good example as a method of bringing children up; and what sort of example hitting would present to your child.

This would be a marriage ender for me seeing as he still intends to slap.

There is such a massive scope when it comes to the term light slap. What does that mean, when does he think its appropriate, actually how hard does he mean, etc.

I would be more concerned that he views it as part of a disciplinary toolkit to be honest. I was never smacked as a child but got slaps on wrists once or twice when I was about to do something monumentally dangerous as a reinforcement of the very loud No! I got at the same time. No marks and no detriment but very clear that that particular action was out of bounds.

I am not sure that it would be enough to make me leave though. I mean, that is such a huge red line to put down over something that might never happen (or, at this stage, lacks a certain amount of clarity).

Of course, I suppose he might feel the same and want to leave if the mother of his children doesn't want to raise them the same way he does (so many people here automatically deferring to the mothers point of view here). Are you prepared for that OP?

No.

And it's not theoretical - it's as practical as it could be, you are discussing conceiving.

How many times on here do you see people shaking their heads and saying 'but surely you discussed this before you went on to have children?'^

Too important to say ahh well he'll change his mind when the baby is here.

More discussion needed, using all the points made on here, but if it were me I would now be saying - well, looks like no babies then, as I will not accept ANY physical punishment. And stick to it.

Quite worrying that you're there discussing trying for a baby and he's already eager to justify why he thinks it important to agree that yes you will be hitting it as part of any discipline strategy

I think that this might be a massive problem for me. Not that he held those views in the first place, after all you can't agree on everything, but that he still intends to hit your children even though he knows how you feel about it.

It is never ok to hit children, even if their hands are near a plug. Never.

It seems very extreme to leave him over this if all else is ok.

Does he have any experience/knowledge about children or child development? I think lots of people have ideas of what they'd do, which are complete,y changed when they find out the reality of what small children are like. Lots of parents haven't had real hands-on experience of small children since they themselves were a small child and their ideas are based on this.

Do some reading together, a parenting course, borrow a friends' baby. Educate yourselves and see if he changes his views.

"but that he still intends to hit your children"

So they arent his then?

I know a family where the mum wishes she had had this conversation before having children as they massively disagree over it. He did eventually change his mind but not before a lot of arguments. I absolutely wouldn't try to conceive with someone who thinks smacking is ok.

I'm actually quite uncomfortable with the thought of defining (and agreeing to) a light slap. Your idea might be a tap on the hand, his might be a slap on the arse. I just think planning and discussing how hard you can physically punish a child is a bit sick, for want of a better word. I'm not referring to you by the way @walkthiswaytalkthatway, it's your husband I'm talking about. It just seems so cold and clinical.

If a light slap is ok, what happens when that doesn't work and it escalates. Will he phone you at work and see if it's ok to hit harder? Will he just hit harder anyway?

I don't know that it would end my marriage, but I would have to think long and hard about whether I wanted to have children with him.

"your" as in "both of your" obviously

Also I don't see how there is any "compromise" in this instance. You can't compromise in an absolute argument. There is only hitting or not hitting, nothing in between.

It is a big deal, it is a good idea to talk about it and it's not something that I could work around. He intends to hit your children. Intends to, whether you're OK with that or not.

Deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be having children with him and that probably means no relationship.

It is a very big deal - DH and I discussed it before we had kids and I made it very clear that it was a red line for me. Hitting = no kids. And yes, I played hardball, my way or the highway in this particular case.

I don't think you can leave it until you have a child, you have to settle this beforehand and yes, imo it is worth leaving a man if he thinks hitting a child is part of normal discipline.

How about discussing it some more and giving him some books to read / speaking to an expert like a counsellor who can explain the possible long term effects of hitting children before trying to conceive or leaving him. You might get him to see sense and decide for himself that it's wrong. Good luck!

Can't believe the OP is getting flak for discussing a fundamental point about child rearing in advance of getting pregnant. Isn't that the sensible thing to do? Not get knocked up and cross fingers it's not still a problem when the kids is old enough to be hit?

I would talk to him, calmly but seriously, and state that you aren't willing to allow a child of yours to be hit by anyone.

I think it's great that you're discussing it beforehand.

Word Of warning thought: I would never smack my children before I had them. Now I have an autistic 8yr old who rarely if ever needs disciplining, but who needs firm boundaries and consequences, and an utterly wild 5 year old who doesn't realisethedifference between play and hurt. When he hits me I tell him "No". Second time he gets time out. By the third time he gets hit back. I thought I never would but some days it is literally the only thing he listens to. I really wonder what the "no smacking" brigade would have me do: let myself and my older SN child be repeatedly hit? Lock a 5 yr old away? If I remove him he comes back and if I hold him he bites. Smacking works, and IMHO in these situations it's the most effective responses or some kids in some situations.

In your situation OP Iwould talk more with your DH about what and how and where this might be used and if you're not comfortable it's totally your right to walk away and not have kids with him. But consider that you or he might not feel the same way come the day come the hour.

@MichaelaS wow, he's 5 and you hit him back? That's extremely wrong of you.

Again with the He intends to hit your children. So nothing to do with him then?

I think it's right that OP is discussing this. I think a lot more detail is needed as to what he really means to ensure that if OP leaves him then it's a fully informed decision. He can also make that decision and decide that he doesnt want children with OP due to her parenting technique and how it's different to his. Agree that parents should be of one mind so this is a joint decision and framing it as her children and her choice regarding discipline alone isn't helpful.

" your" is both a plural and singular descriptor Scottish. People would say "your children" to me to mean mine and my husband's.

I'm glad you are discussing this as a couple before you conceive, very sensible. It is a deal breaker as it's not something you can compromise on, the child is either hit or not hit.
I think he needs educating on how to provide boundaries for a child without violence. Perhaps some parenting books or a course? If he won't agree to that then I would refuse to have children with him.

@Destiny10 so what would you have me do? Honest question.

@MichaelaS discipline like all the other parents out there who don't physically hurt someone. Or you know, ask a professional before it gets to that point?

Discipline how though? As I've said, consequences, time out and explaining have no effect. I've been on lots of parenting courses because of my older SN child (who is actually easier) and have even had observed parenting sessions where proffessionals have praised my patience and understanding. I'm just not willing to be repeatedly hit and to allow my other child to be hit. If you can offer any alternatives strategies other than to passively receive the violence (not a good lesson for the violent child IMHO) then please PM me. I don't want to derail the thread further.