DH agrees with light slapping. Would it be wrong to cut our relationship here?

[walkthiswaytalkthatway]

We are at the stage where we were discussing trying for a baby. It's something we always knew we both wanted.

We married 3 years ago and he's everything to me.

We discussed different things and I said absolutely no hitting, etc. and he agreed but thinks a light slap is okay and I appreciate it's legal but it's a massive no for me.

Would this be enough for you to leave?

So he hits your (plural) child "lightly". DC cries. You've witnessed DC being hit.

What do you do?

A) nothing because it's DP dealing with it. This means your DC believes you agree that they should be hit. So in essence it makes little difference that you didn't hit them.

B) you rush over and take them DC in your arms and soothe them because something upsetting just happened to them. DC knows you understand they're upset and/or hurt, but confused because you didn't protect them. And DP annoyed with you for undermining him.

I can't see how this works out well.

And while he may change his mind once he sees his baby, it's the childhood of your DC at stake here. If he doesn't change his mind, you can hardly say you had no idea how he believed children should be raised.

He's telling you clearly what he believes and that he's not open for compromise. Why don't you believe him?

Many people have no clue how deeply they will love and cherish and protect their child until it's born. He might well feel differently later. But the insistence on his way or the highway in most concerning. Parents have to back each other up and be on the same page. Not that my husband and I managed that. He fails to follow through with any consequences ever. This has made our son at least, spoiled and undisciplined. With the girls maybe my influence was enough, but my son really has needed his Dad to make some limits. He went to a parenting course but it didn't really stick. I begged him to go for years, with or without me, but not until we went into counseling and the therapist said you must did he go. And his interpretation of the principles...I found bags of candy in the car. He said it was for positive reinforcement. Urgh. I almost wish he had or would do a light slap sometimes, it might be better than nothing.

If he is so unbending on this point you will probably need to tell him then kids aren't in the cards and stick with it. I think it unlikely he would be so adamant in real life, but maybe you could get him to go to a parenting class now. No one thinks it's cool to hit anymore. He might compromise with more understanding of why it's unacceptable.

Until he understands that (a) children need consistency in discipline and you and he have to share a single set of rules, and (b) violence begets violence and any kind of pain infliction as part of a discipline system is a quick path to emotional damage: he is not ready to be a father therefore do nt attempt to conceive.

Get him to read some books on child development, possibly even attend a parenting course if that wouldn't be too weird as a non-parent. When he comes around to agreeing that a non-violent approach is best then you might be ready to ttc.

It's so hypothetical. I find it odd that he would Plan to discipline children that aren't yet BORN with a slap! but the realitiy is that even thought I am against slapping, in theory, I have shamefully lost my temper and slapped occasionally. I don't recommend it as a technique though. It's my failure.

Have you told him you will not be having DC with a man who has explicitly stated he intends to hit them?

I would be re thinking the relationship but I guess it depends on how important having children is to you. I wouldn't want to be complicit in bringing a child into the world knowing they were going to be physically abused by a parent.

I don't agree with smacking at all, my partner knows this.

Me and my partner have 2 kids together.

He's never smacked them, if he did, I'd leave him.

DH was OK with the idea of smacking in the abstract. I wasn't. It was a deal breaker for having children so he agreed we wouldn't.

We're three DC in (including one with behaviour challenging enough that we were referred to paeds) and have never hit any of them fucking wanted to sometimes, not gonna lie.

There isn't a compromise here. There's smacking or not smacking. It's absolutely right to decide before the baby comes because it's impossible to make a rational decision in the heat of the moment. I couldn't have had children with a man who thought it was OK to smack them, so if DH had been intransigent I'd have been facing life without him or life without children. Can't say he'd have won.

What is the point in a light slap? It does nothing but teach a child to hit.
A normal/hard slap is designed to hurt and cause fear which is fucking horrible. Light slap will do absolutely nothing to prevent unwanted behaviour, the child will just copy it and slap you and others when they're angry with others.

Deal breaker for me. Smacking is violence pure and simple, nothing to do with discipline. If he won't change his mind I'd walk away. Sorry OP

Deal breaker for me too. I could not fathom being in a relationship with someone who thought it acceptable to hit a child, even if it is hypothetical.

The people on here who are expressing astonishment that you are discussing this now. .. what the actual fuck?!

What do you suggest the op does - wait till they actually have a baby and then we can all commiserate with her when she discovers her DH "lightly slapping " him or her?

This is beyond belief.

Precisely Naicehamshop. I am a stepmum so I discussed discipline with my DP before I gave birth but FFS I made sure that I was on the same page regarding discipline from pretty much the beginning (as it happens, I looked after my stepson's health more than my DP did eg I stopped folk smoking around him whereas my DP allowed it but that's by the by).

Oh I know, maybe before she married the fella?

I think people can change their mind on this one though- you both sound v entrenched. I find it hard to believe he's that determined to hit his children. Why?