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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Paying for sex

95 replies

Gunsnrosesxo · 17/06/2017 15:53

Hi all.
I was just curious as to how many husbands or boyfriends are into paying women for sex (prostitution).
I once caught my husband messaging an escort and payed the deposit to book her.
But he swears he didn't go but I don't believe him as I saw the messasges.
I don't know how common this is or isit only him?

Need help.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 18/06/2017 08:27

To pp who gave up 'selling your soul' in a corporate job to take up prostitution - I hardly think you're in a morally better position if you are enabling and encouraging (by being obviously available) men to cheat on their partners.

What a strangely gendered argument. Why on earth should I be the gatekeeper of whether a man chooses to give monogamy a swerve? What do you want me to do, demand sight of his decree nisi?

Do you expect Tesco to check the customer isn't an alcoholic before delivering a case of wine? Or that a designer handbag shop should run a credit check before accepting a customer's money, to check they're not leaving their family to go hungry?

If a guy comes across my advert, believe me he's gone searching for it. I'm not standing in the doorway luring them in! These are adult men and the decision to pay for sex (or bang a colleague or whatever) is theirs and theirs alone.

Ellisandra · 18/06/2017 08:48

It's not the majority, but it's absolutely not uncommon.

For me it's like left handedness. Not the norm, but you'd hardly be shocked to discover someone was!

My XH was a habitual prostitute user. You'd all like him. Not an alpha male, but no loser. High earning but from family business - so don't assume that shows drive and ambition! Stupid when drunk but not really laddish. The first to pitch in with washing up when on a group holiday, happy to lend a hand with a house move. Not Brad Pitt, but far from ugly. As a sex worker above said - he was your average Joe.

The 20-30% figure doesn't surprise me.

OP, your husband isn't even pretending to be sorry. He's telling you to shut up it's no big deal. And he's lying to you - really, the chances that you caught him the one and only time and anyway he didn't go through with it? BULL SHIT.

Add to that his and your faith? How can he possibly say you're over reacting when it's against your faith?

He doesn't give a shit and he'll carry on using prostitutes. Surely his attitude tells you that? I'm sorry, I know that's blunt.

As for all the talk about how many do it, what types of men, why, whether sex workers are consenting or immoral, whether it's OK to pay for sex or grim, or whatever... interesting but irrelevant

When you marry someone you agree that you are in an exclusive relationship. Small % exception who agree they are not - but this is a norm we can all agree on. The norm is that when you marry someone they don't go and fuck someone else!

So OP, forget how many men do this, forget wondering why some women will take their money... and accept that your husband has fundamentally betrayed you.
And get rid, before you live a half life of a shitty marriage to a man who doesn't value you or your shared faith.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/06/2017 09:34

I hardly think you're in a morally better position if you are enabling and encouraging (by being obviously available) men to cheat on their partners. I understand that is not always the situation, and even if it were, how would you know? If you think a corporate job is selling your soul, I fail to see how enabling cheats is any better. Nothing against you personally, but I abhor prostitution.

Of course! It's the woman's fault that men use prostitutes! How could they resist the lure of getting their end away? It's not their fault that they are a cheating bastard!

What a ridiculous thing to say! I also despise prostitution but it is NOT the sex worker's fault that someone has cheated on their spouse. They chose to do it.

fridayrain · 18/06/2017 10:26

I didn't think it was the type of thing that you could put down a deposit??!

AskBasil · 18/06/2017 10:32

Actually you're not selling your soul to a corporate employer.

You're selling your labour.

You're kidding yourself if you think you're morally superior to people employed by Tesco, by selling your body.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 18/06/2017 10:34

Ellisandra is spot on

TheNaze73 · 18/06/2017 11:15

I think it's far more common than people would like to think. Thought of paying for something that is so readily available these days leaves me cold though.
Each to their own & all that but, I do think some people are in denial

Bearberry · 18/06/2017 14:58

My ex slept with prostitutes. Not while we were together, to the best of my knowledge. It was during his early 20's, between two long term relationships and our relationship. He told me about it when we got together and at the time I was 'alright' with it. Really it was because I was 19 and had low self esteem and self respect and didn't have the ability or the desire to reflect properly on what that said about him as a person. It played on my mind for the whole of the relationship however.

On reflection he probably did it because he was lazy and entitled. He came from a very wealthy family but never amounted to much his self, despite fantastic opportunities. He was young and good looking and had no problem attracting women. I believe he saw women's bodies as a commodity and buying an 'experience' was often easier. If you knew him you wouldn't be surprised in that regard, although he is very liberal and alledgedly feminist in his views

Original poster

Gunsnrosesxo · 18/06/2017 15:21

Thank you everyone for your comments I love to hear what everyone else has to say about it.
I am very young and everyone that's gives me advice keeps telling me men will be men but of course I don't believe that even after this I don't .

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/06/2017 15:26

'Men will be men' is ridiculously sexist! Women do not have to tolerate such vile behaviour and not all men behave that way! It's that sort of attitude that means that the misogynistic arseholes get away with their behaviour towards women.

It also brainwashes younger men that it is acceptable and young women that they should put up with it because they are worth less than men.

ohforfoxsake · 18/06/2017 15:50

Isn't the statistic something like one in ten men have paid for sex? XH would have me believe it was much more common and 'all men do it.' Actually I found out most men don't and find paying for someone's consent to fuck them doesn't appeal.

However some men justify it, can compartmentalise it, it's still not empowering sex workers however some people might dress it up. It's buying consent. You've got to question any man who has these morals, especially if they are raising your children.

purplecoathanger · 18/06/2017 15:52

My DH would be an ex pretty damn quick if I knew he was into paying women for sex, or even having sex with anyone else but me.

ohforfoxsake · 18/06/2017 15:56

Oh that whole 'men will be men/boys will be boys thing' is disgraceful. It's a lazy excuse for bad behaviour. Expect more.

ohforfoxsake · 18/06/2017 15:56

Oh that whole 'men will be men/boys will be boys thing' is disgraceful. It's a lazy excuse for bad behaviour. Expect more.

Anotheroneofthese · 18/06/2017 17:28

It is less than 1 in 10. More like 8% in the UK.

TDHManchester · 18/06/2017 17:44

It depends what you mean by pay? Things are not always that simple. A man or woman may seek sexual release outside of their relationship for a myriad of reasons. Many women prostitute themselves in pursuance of a wealthy/successful man as do some men.

FelixtheMouse · 18/06/2017 19:36

I'm of the generation that sees paying for sex as the mark of a total looser, so no I wouldn't do it.

TDHManchester · 18/06/2017 21:18

If some men were not prepared to pay for their services then many women who choose to work as prostitutes would have to get other employment and that wouldnt do for them.

FritzDonovan · 18/06/2017 21:59

What a ridiculous thing to say! I also despise prostitution but it is NOT the sex worker's fault that someone has cheated on their spouse. They chose to do it.
Think it's ridiculous if you like, I didn't say it was the sex workers fault, but it definitely IS enabling cheating, when they are making it freely available.

I also indicated that I know workers wouldn't be checking to see if customers were married or not. I'm not a complete idiot. But to me being a sex worker in situations where it is helping someone who is not usually able to (such as the disabled person mentioned) is miles removed from making yourself available to any cheating twat who fancies a different hole for the night (to put it crudely, but accurately). I'm pretty sure there's a need for the first, not for the second. So don't think the morality card is appropriate to play as an ' don't MAKE them cheat, so it's nothing to do with me' excuse.

C0RAL · 20/06/2017 08:19

If some men were not prepared to pay for their services then many women who choose to work as prostitutes would have to get other employment and that wouldnt do for them

Most prostituted woman don't " choose to work as prostitutes" . The Belle De Jour type women who are posting on this thread are not representative of the majority of street workers who are doing it because they are Trafficked or addicts or being abused by their violent pimp.

I know that the punters and those who support them like to argue it's a free choice. But it's only a choice for the person with money and power - which is the punter. If you read the websites you can see that they know that perfectly well - they rate the women like a piece of meat they are buying.

If your partner is abusing prostituted women , the person to get angry with is HIM, not the woman he abused. She's as much a victim as you.

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