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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is so shit. I'm so tired

99 replies

BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:14

I'm sorry if I don't make much sense, been up and down with a sick toddler all night.

H moved into a flat of his own three months ago. He was quite frankly and abusive bastard. Constantly gaslighting, making me walk on eggshells. Over 6 years with him I went from a confident woman to a nervous wreck reliant on Prozac to get through the day.

Nothing has really changed, he's just moved out so at least I get a bit of respite and I'm not struggling to sleep because I wonder sort of mood he'all wake up in, or if something has pissed him off overnight and made him angry.

Last night dd had a high temp and just didn't sleep. Crying to come upstairs, then to go down etc etc so it's been a hard night.

At 5am I text h to say when you wake up can you pop round and take over for a bit please, I'm shattered.

Text him at half 8 to say not to worry she's finally dropped off.

She woke at half 9 and I called him to say she was awake again and he blew up at me.

Asked what I wanted to do today and I said "not much, I am shattered"

He said it wasn't like I did anything yesterday (I'm a sahm at the mo) and didn't have anything to do today so what's the problem.

I'm so so tired. I've got no family so no help.

Believe me it would have been worse if he was here last night, he would have been pissed off and shouting that he was tired because he's been a work all week and I still wouldn't have had any
Help, never have done.

It was just his sarky tone of voice this morning, the "oh dear, tired are you?"

And I can't say anything about it again, I had to be nice as pie after that. Will have to be when we see him later too or everything will get twisted to my fault.

OP posts:
tinypop4 · 17/06/2017 10:18

Sorry op that you are tied to this abusive bastard. He's a shithead for saying that you do nothing and he's a shithead for not coming round to help with dd.
Do you have good friends nearby? Would someone pop over and look after Dd for an hour while you rest? I would do this without hesitation for any friend in your position if they called for help.

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2017 10:21

If he's moved out then do you have an agreed contact arrangement for your daughter? If not then you should look into this and ask a solicitor for advice. Are you divorced?

SorrelSoup · 17/06/2017 10:22

I think you have to arrange access times and stick to them. Even though you're on your knees I really wouldn't turn to him for help. He's not your friend and enjoys the power he gets from you needing him. As tough as it is I'd just struggle on or try and find someone else to help.

cansu · 17/06/2017 10:22

I honestly would not call him unless you are totally desperate. Whilst he should help you are maintaining contact and giving him an opportunity to be nasty to you. Why is he asking what you are doing for the day if you are separated?

RandomMess · 17/06/2017 10:23

So are you actually still together?

Honestly you will probably feel happier and more able to cope with life once you have truly ended it. Sounds like he choses to dip in and out of family life as he wants to and you are still treading on eggshells around him...

Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:30

No I don't sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:33

No it's all so shit.

He's moved out but he's still here most eves for a few hours.

Not doing anything, just sat on his arse moaning.

He can't have dd at his because he's got four young flat mates. Place is filthy, they do drugs etc so not a good place for a child (in London so it's all he could afford).

Still together as far as he's concerned.

He's having his cake and eating it.

Lots of fun and freeedom and a family here when it suits him.

I don't know what to do.

Financially it's complicated, really complicated.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 10:34

I wouldn't have rang him, if he's that much of a dick I'd have struggled on my own, and why is he asking you what you want to do today? Either he's having a day with the child or not. Why does it have to involve you?

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 10:34

Sorry x posted

Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:36

Sorrel - yes I agree.

He enjoys the power.

I actually reached out and asked a nursery mum. She's coming for an hour she offered so I can have a bath etc.

When I text him and said "it's ok, xx is coming to play with dd for a little while we'll see you later" he went mad.

Saying he was pissed off that I asked a stranger
Instead of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:37

Because he doesn't do parenting.

He thinks he's the worlds greatest dad, but unless she's sat quietly next to him or obeying his every order (she's just turned 3, so good luck with that) he's angry.

OP posts:
pinkbraces · 17/06/2017 10:38

Right, now is the time to stop. Tell him to fuck off and see a lawyer.
You can control this, it just doesn't feel that way.
Fake the strength until it's real, take back the power.
Good luck Flowers

MyheartbelongstoG · 17/06/2017 10:45

Why are you wasting your life like this!

Whatsername17 · 17/06/2017 10:47

Have you got a way out, op? You need to end this nightmare. You deserve so much better. It's only going to get worse.

RandomMess · 17/06/2017 10:47

Stop him coming to the house everyday/weekend etc. he can take her out to the park/café if he wants to see.

First threats etc. call the police, lose your keys and change the locks... go to the restraining route if you need to. This man is clearly abusive and could rack up the anger to dangerous levels.

luckiestgirl · 17/06/2017 10:49

Posts like this make me a bit cross. I don't want to be mean to you OP, but why aren't you splitting up with him FGS?

category12 · 17/06/2017 10:51

You need to stop this arrangement. It's lovely weather, he could take dd to the park or something, there's no need for him to be sat in your place regularly.

Tikkatoride · 17/06/2017 10:55

He is already moved out and you are paying two lots of bills. Financially it will only get easier as you will be entitled to various benefits as a single mum.

You admit yourself he is abusive and not good for you or your daughter.

Make this official, get some legal advice and LTB.

EssentialHummus · 17/06/2017 10:56

You deserve better than this lovely. However complicated the finances etc I promise the lawyers will have seen worse. Keep taking small steps to properly separate from him.

kaitlinktm · 17/06/2017 10:57

I don't know if you rent or own or whose name the house is in, but he does have his own place now (even though it isn't very nice) so you are separated and he has to understand this. When this happens, people need to arrange access. Sometimes it works informally with the other partner popping round as and when, but with someone like him, this just makes things worse for you and is probably unsettling for DD.

Why don't you limit his visits to a couple of times a week? Then if you can, for at least some of the time, leave him and DD together and you go out for coffee, look at the shops, visit a friend for an hour. As PP have said, tell him that on one of his "visits" he needs to take her out somewhere. Limit the time he is in the house.

If he doesn't like it he will probably not come round or will flounce off - just let him. At least you are not spending time with him.

You could tell him why if he protests - we separated for a reason. At the moment I have the worst of both worlds. I look after DD on my own and I still have to put up with you moaning every night.

Nanny0gg · 17/06/2017 10:57

Go and get legal advice.

He's left the home, he doesn't get to swan in and out when it suits him, it's just more messing with your head.

Then get onto benefits and work out your entitlement.

And follow the advice from RandomMess

Wolfiefan · 17/06/2017 11:00

You need to actually separate. Agree access and stick to it. Don't have him just sitting in the house. Don't call him for support you know you won't get. And "having his cake and eating it"? Does that mean you're still sleeping with him? Stop.
Get legal advice and formalise it.

PovertyPain · 17/06/2017 11:03

I can't add much more that what other posters have said, but what a lovey women to come and help you out. Hopefully it will be the start of a mutually beneficial friendship. When daughter is better, you should ask if she would like you to look after her child for an hour or so, as a thank you. You never know, you could get a great friend out of all the shit you're going through at the minute. Get all your paperwork together, including his financial details and leave the fucker to live his single lifestyle. You cpuldnt be any more unhappy than you currently are.

BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 11:03

Op don't tell him anything about your life, give him the basic information he needs, he didn't need to know that your friend from nursery was coming over. It gives him fuel to throw back at you. Stop him coming over, you need to do that asap. Arrange time he sees his daughter and tell him he needs to take her out as all other parents do. It's your house now, not his, it needs to be yours and your daughters safe space, not a place for that twat to sit and watch tv in the evenings!

AskBasil · 17/06/2017 11:04

Cut all contact with him except that which involves your child.
Go to a lawyer, file for divorce.
Get his drug use on file so that he can't have your child at his place where hard drugs may be lying around.

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