My husband is so shit. I'm so tired

[BinG0wings123]

I'm sorry if I don't make much sense, been up and down with a sick toddler all night.

H moved into a flat of his own three months ago. He was quite frankly and abusive bastard. Constantly gaslighting, making me walk on eggshells. Over 6 years with him I went from a confident woman to a nervous wreck reliant on Prozac to get through the day.

Nothing has really changed, he's just moved out so at least I get a bit of respite and I'm not struggling to sleep because I wonder sort of mood he'all wake up in, or if something has pissed him off overnight and made him angry.

Last night dd had a high temp and just didn't sleep. Crying to come upstairs, then to go down etc etc so it's been a hard night.

At 5am I text h to say when you wake up can you pop round and take over for a bit please, I'm shattered.

Text him at half 8 to say not to worry she's finally dropped off.

She woke at half 9 and I called him to say she was awake again and he blew up at me.

Asked what I wanted to do today and I said "not much, I am shattered"

He said it wasn't like I did anything yesterday (I'm a sahm at the mo) and didn't have anything to do today so what's the problem.

I'm so so tired. I've got no family so no help.

Believe me it would have been worse if he was here last night, he would have been pissed off and shouting that he was tired because he's been a work all week and I still wouldn't have had any
Help, never have done.

It was just his sarky tone of voice this morning, the "oh dear, tired are you?"

And I can't say anything about it again, I had to be nice as pie after that. Will have to be when we see him later too or everything will get twisted to my fault.

You need to call Women's Aid, you need to not let this twat over your threshold ever again and you need a lawyer now. Claim everything you are entitled to and stop engaging with his utter shit. And fgs stop sleeping with him.

I can't stay forever - the landlord has already said that he may want it back when the contract is up next year.

That is the same situation that every private renter is in, OP. At any point the landlord may decide to give notice. However with a small child plus a teen I'd be surprised if the LHA didn't give you a place on the list even if they've currently told you they won't (it's common to fob off people they don't think are currently in need.)

Changing the subject, have you spoken to Womens Aid at all? This man is still controlling you and abusing you, and you need support to deal with this. Doing the Freedom Programme would be really beneficial for you, I think. Also reading Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" If you can't afford to get a copy of the book please PM me and I can help you out.

Please don't feel ashamed of where you are right now. This man has been beating you down for years. You need support from people who understand how abusers can grind you down and tie you up in knots.

You said you don't have any family or friends - is that because he isolated you from them? If so, please do reach out for help - if you were my daughter, sister or friend then I'd be only to happy to hear from you and far from "I told you he was awful!" it would be "I want to help you."

Hope your little one is better soon and you get some rest

OP I've been in this situation with an ex who tried to control the break up

Turns out he didn't want to do any parenting together or separately. He wanted the status of father without the work involved and had threatened to 'abandon DC' if I split, he would only be a father in a relationship and had no respect for single mothers.

He had moved out but did not support his DC in any way but wanted to drop in to his 'family set up' when the mood took him.

It took a lot to build boundaries which he tried to ignore

Taking his key was my 1st step
2nd step was getting him to take DC out of my home without me and seeking maintenance
He begged to return to relationship but still live apart ( same set up)

I had to make drastic changes
Told him repeatedly it was over ( never married)

Built new life and yes it was tough it was scary.
Eventually met someone new ex refused any contact with DC for months (to teach me a lesson/force me to return to him =I didn't)

In end he got bored and left all contact arrangements to a relative

I'm now 20 yrs down the line married with own home more DC completely different life than previously.

Sometimes the scariest endings start great new beginnings. But you must move on and let go

You say you roll over for a quiet life. Easy life. Do you seriously think you have a quiet and easy life now? .

Please call Women's Aid. He is still abusing and controlling you and you need real life support, which they will give you.

They will give you advice and help, if you want it. They will not force you into doing anything.

THEY WILL UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION EXACTLY and what you have to put up with.

Please call them. 0808 2000 24724
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Gosh. I just want to hug you. Then I want to stand in your doorway, blocking the way to twatface, while you call women's aid for a bit of support.

I know it's not as easy as 'don't let him in', but it really isn't impossible to separate your life from his. Please, please call women's aid. You don't have to make any decisions immediately, but it would be so good to think that the choices you do make are informed ones, rather than basing them on the crap he feeds you.

This morning I mean, he's her father.

She was sick, I was on my knees tired, I just wanted an hour for a nap.

I know though it was too much to ask knowing what he's been like when he's lived here and she's ill, useless and angry.

Of all people her dad should help, right? Shoe on the other foot I'd have been round in a shot.

Her dad absolutely should help. No question.
But he's showing you that he's not the person you want him to be.
A proper separation, with agreed contact time so that she gets to see her dad and you get some time out, might feel a lot easier than your current blurry situation.

Yes Op her dad should help, but he's not a normal dad is he? He's a prick!

Oh love. Unfortunately, you're going to have to change your mindset. He's never going to help. He's always going to abuse you. It's who he is.

You need to contact WA. You need to start working on outside friendships. You say you have no family. Is this because you are alienated from them or because literally you have no relatives? If it's because you are alienated from them, consider whether or not it may be time to reach out. It's not unusual at all that a person in an abusive relationship has been divided from their family by their abuser. Obviously, if they aren't good people you're better off without them. But if they are good people, pick one and get in touch.

As far as relying on him, you can't. As far as your landlord, don't worry about that today. Today you need to stop letting him in your house. I know it's hard, but try just once to tell him he can't come in.

No, I do mean that I have literally no relatives.

Only child and both parents are dead. No aunts/uncles etc. So I'm on my own.

I know lots of people but no close friends really.

If I call women's aid, they won't tell anyone will they?

I'm worried about SS getting involved in some way.

Of all people her dad should help, right? Shoe on the other foot I'd have been round in a shot

Absolutely. But he's abusive - he's the last person you should turn to for help, he'll use it as a stick to beat you with.

Ss may well end up involved if you carry on as you are. You will have nothing but positive support if you do what you know you must do (ie all the advice on this thread)

Please call women's aid. Please take all the advice. For your kids sake if nothing else.

You don't have to call everyone and tell the world. Pick one person out of the people you know. Just one. Think of someone who you've observed to be 'not a gossip' and appears a good listener/sympathetic. Call that person. All you're asking for right now is a listening ear. Just someone to listen, that's all. You aren't expecting them to solve your problems, you just need someone to hear you. And often just hearing yourself say things out loud to a real person can give you a sense of clarity and of rightness in your feelings.

Hi there
I worked as a housing officer for my local council for 6 yrs before I had my children.
Go and see your local housing needs and advice department. Explain your situation. You are a victim of domestic abuse.
It doesn't have to be physical.
Explain that you are fearful of your partner and you need a safe place.
They will put you in a B and B for a couple of weeks. This is standard. Hold tight.
Waiting lists are long and resources are limited. It also weeds out those who actually have somewhere else to go because the B and B is a grim situation.
Call the housing office every day to check what's going on (the wheel that squeaks gets the oil)
Then you will get a secure tenancy for you and your daughter.
They will help you with everything, refer you to charities who will help furnish your flat, train for skills etc
They will also put you in touch with organisations who will arrange supervised visits in a neutral setting.
You don't have to deal with this man ever again if you don't want to.
Good luck x

head thank you but what about my son? He's almost 15. I don't want to uproot him into a B and B.

Also, I told them my husband was abusive.

They said it didn't count as he'd already moved out and I still wasn't able to get on a housing list.

You don't have to leave, but you do have to stop this man coming into your house and making your life a misery. Only you can start making those steps. Next year will take care of itself, now is the important thing.

Ok seriously just stop. Stop worrying about the future just deal with the present.

Step 1 get your key back if he has one. Otherwise change the locking mechanism yourself and give your landlord a new key.

Step 2 say it's over. By text or email or be phone / whatever you prefer.

Step 3 set out an arrangement for him seeing his D.C. So every other weekend for the day, until he lives somewhere appropriate then it can be for the weekend. One evening a week if a week too.

He doesn't have to do this, he isn't obliged to see his child at all though. So be prepared for no shows or whatever. An hour late and it's a no show so plan to go out at that point to something that you can take D.C. to too.

Step 4 only communicate about child and the minimum necessary. Don't ask for or accept flexibility until it works. Choose one day a week when you'll communicate with him. The rest of the time put it aside.

He is not interested in making your life easier. Or your life better. Or the DCs. Stop imaging that that is going to happen. It's not.

OP there will be upheaval, for you and DC if you have to go via the council for housing later on but it will be short term upheaval for massive long term gains. None of us want that disruption for our DC, especially near exam times etc, but I honestly believe continuing to allow this man to abuse you while DC watch on will be far more damaging in the long run.

The council will currently see you as adequately housed so that's why you're not eligible to go on the list at present but that would change if your landlord decides not to renew your contract. Yes there would be a short period where you may be in b&b and having to deal with all the hassle of storing belongings etc while you wait for a property but it would be temporary whereas your current situation could go on being this intolerable indefinitely if you don't take action, I know which I would choose.

I agree with PP's, stop allowing fears about what could happen in the future prevent you from improving your current situation. A lot could change between now and when your contract is up for renewal and the landlord might decide to let you stay anyway.

No one should have their lives made a misery by an ex the way you are but it's up to you to change it, there's support out there to help you so you don't have to do it alone but you do have to get the ball rolling and ask for that support.

He should step up and parent, but he never will because he's abusive.

Your first step is to stop letting him into your home, and start with a pattern of agreed, scheduled contact. He can take her to soft play, the park etc if his home is not safe. He can only control you if you allow him to- once contact with him is minimised, you will find your confidence flooding back.

And you'll need to go through official channels for maintenance payments.

The best thing you can do for your 14 year old is to make sure he doesn't have to watch his mother being abused.

If that means moving house to a new area with more HB housing then that could actually make his life a million times better. There are places not that far out of London.