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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is so shit. I'm so tired

99 replies

BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 10:14

I'm sorry if I don't make much sense, been up and down with a sick toddler all night.

H moved into a flat of his own three months ago. He was quite frankly and abusive bastard. Constantly gaslighting, making me walk on eggshells. Over 6 years with him I went from a confident woman to a nervous wreck reliant on Prozac to get through the day.

Nothing has really changed, he's just moved out so at least I get a bit of respite and I'm not struggling to sleep because I wonder sort of mood he'all wake up in, or if something has pissed him off overnight and made him angry.

Last night dd had a high temp and just didn't sleep. Crying to come upstairs, then to go down etc etc so it's been a hard night.

At 5am I text h to say when you wake up can you pop round and take over for a bit please, I'm shattered.

Text him at half 8 to say not to worry she's finally dropped off.

She woke at half 9 and I called him to say she was awake again and he blew up at me.

Asked what I wanted to do today and I said "not much, I am shattered"

He said it wasn't like I did anything yesterday (I'm a sahm at the mo) and didn't have anything to do today so what's the problem.

I'm so so tired. I've got no family so no help.

Believe me it would have been worse if he was here last night, he would have been pissed off and shouting that he was tired because he's been a work all week and I still wouldn't have had any
Help, never have done.

It was just his sarky tone of voice this morning, the "oh dear, tired are you?"

And I can't say anything about it again, I had to be nice as pie after that. Will have to be when we see him later too or everything will get twisted to my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 12:56

Sorry so many q's

I can't move away. I also have a 14 year old from a precious marriage who is very settled at school and starting GCSE prep.

He's here now, shouting at me saying the place is a shithole and that it's always a
Shithole.

Yep, there's washing up and hoovering to do but you know what, I had two hours sleep last night so fuck that for now.

I know inneed boundaries.

But he make everything so bloody difficult.

When he was shouting about my house being a mess, I calmly said "she was up all night and very clingy this morning. what was I supposed to do?"

There's always an answer from him, it's always twisted round.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 12:58

And yes he still wants sex.

I have so far managed to avoid it.

Luckily dd co sleeps and is a shit sleeper sonshe doesn't drop off until after he's gone home for the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 12:58

I sound like a real wet blanket I know.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/06/2017 13:01

What are you scared of happening. By all accounts the house is now the yours, you get housing benefit. Are you scared of him having contact, are there debts etc

Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 13:07

I'm scared of losing this house.

I can't stay forever - the landlord has already said that he may want it back when the contract is up next year.

I am not eligiblet to go on the housing list - I am only eligible to receive HB in private accomodation.

Trouble is, finding someone to let to you on HB is terribly difficult - even when you are working full time and receiving top up,

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 13:08

I need to keep on good terms with him incase we need to find a place to live together.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 17/06/2017 13:11

I'm confused to as how stopping your abusive ex from coming into your home will change anything in a years time? Do you mean then if you leave your house next year you will move back in with your ex? This is baffling. You need to leave him, do you seriously want this man around your kids? They see how he treats you and will think this is normal. I'm sorry Op but knowing you also have a 14 year old is heartbreaking. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your kids.

KarmaNoMore · 17/06/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 17/06/2017 13:13

need to keep on good terms with him incase we need to find a place to live together.

Why? Why would you want to spend any time with this man, let alone be in a relationship with him or contemplate living together in the future? I don't understand.

NerdyBird · 17/06/2017 13:13

If you're separated why would you need a place to live together?

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/06/2017 13:14

OP I don't understand why you are even letting him in your house? He chose to move out. He doesn't live there anymore. Get the locks changed if necessary. It's unacceptable to turn up and shout at you in your own house. If you want to ignore the washing up and hoovering for a year even, that's your decision not his! He gave up his say in the running of the household when he decided to move out.

I know this is obviously very hard for you but please stop being a doormat for this awful man.

And as for sex "I have so far managed to avoid it". What the hell??!! You need to be clear with him that your relationship is over. There will be no sex, no turning up announced, no sitting on your sofa moaning, no berating you in your own home. Stop letting him in for heaven's sake! You are letting him walk all over you and he is being an absolute arsehole. Please please start standing up yourself.

StillWandering · 17/06/2017 13:25

OP firstly you need to get advice regarding benefits and legal advice on divorce

You cannot for your mental health keep an abusive man on standby because of the 'what ifs'

Time to find your courage build some boundaries

The relationship is over?yes? If not then why ask him to leave

You can't depend on this sorry excuse for a husband
You need to build a new support system and arrange access days
Door step handovers
change locks on your now single tenancy
Don't expect any help from a man who you already know to be useless

No more of this pretend split rip off the plaster start standing up for YOU

GabsAlot · 17/06/2017 13:28

why i u ask him to leave if your planning to move in with hima gain

surely this relationship is over

GabsAlot · 17/06/2017 13:28

did*

Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 13:29

I know. you are all right.

But if you could see what he's like, angry, manipulative etc you'd understand how awfully hard it is for me.

I roll over for an easy life.

I've got absolutely no family of my own and no close friends so I don't even have anyone to talk things over with or any support.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 13:30

And I can't explain it, how he is.

He twists everything, you end up believing it's you who's crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BinG0wings123 · 17/06/2017 13:33

I'm not planning on moving in with him again.

BUT of the landlord wants his house back, I'm screwed.

I'd have to stay here until I got evicted - I'd then be housed in a BandB for god knows how long.

I've been in touch with all the agents over the years about renting on partial HB - no one bar the occasional landlord will touch you, and that's even if you are working full time.

I'm scared of what will happen with housing on my own.

I've been told I don't qualify for the social housing list - just for housing benefit.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 17/06/2017 13:34

He twists everything, you end up believing it's you who's crazy.

So don't talk to him. You'd contacted him three times this morning before 9.30! Don't give him anything to twist.

PinkPeppers · 17/06/2017 13:37

You are separated, do NOT let him in.
If he wants to see his dd, he an take her to the park, a soft area, a contact centre.
The fact he is struggling to see her at his place is NOTyur problem. It's his.

What will make the most difference to you energy wise to NOT have him in your house at all. Not to have putting you down, not having him plonking his arse on the sofa whilst criticizing you etc...

He is abusive. You said it yourself. Don't let an abuser the full access to your house.
(And change the locks of the house of you can too)

StillWandering · 17/06/2017 13:37

Get to your gp ask for local support services in your area

Build new boundaries step by step one at a time. He will test these and push back.
Small changes no more of his cosy (lazy)evenings in. Take his key away/ change lock/get chain ' Sorry this evening I'm busy'

Get advice from cab/woman's aid
Start mentally separating

Let him throw his tantrum outside let him be manipulative to the other side of the door
The less you see of him the stronger you'll get

QuiteLikely5 · 17/06/2017 13:42

Yes and your exposing the kids to this crazy monster believing his is your housing saviour when indeed he is not!!

You are his prisoner more than anything.

If nothing changes nothing changes.

I really feel for your eldest child too.

Why can't you call a refuge charity in your area and leave him?

You sound absolutely miserable could living in a family refuge for a few months really be worse than this?

What are your hopes for the future? Your dreams?

Having nothing is better than having a daily dose of misery and abuse from the man your child calls dad.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/06/2017 13:42

That sounded harsher than intended. Apologies Flowers

heyday · 17/06/2017 13:45

I think there are so many issues here that everything is becoming blurred. You, and only you have to start taking some control back right now. You say you are separated but then you text him a lot and he is round at your house most evenings. It has to stop. Yes, he is the father of your child but you know full well he is not going to help you at all so why bother with him? He isn't going to change,OK you have to accept that.
Telephone Shelter to get some advice about your future housing needs. Try looking for training/work as soon as your little one starts nursery as that will start your journey towards independence. You can't change your ex or his behaviour but you can start to take some control over your own life.

Pollydonia · 17/06/2017 13:55

Take his key or get the landlord to change the locks.

Ekorre · 17/06/2017 13:56

Been there. got the t-shirt. I know its hard but you have to disengage from him.

He doesn't live there anymore. Housing is really hard in London but he choose to move into a flat with people doing drugs etc. So its not safe for your child and surprise, surprise it means he doesn't have to buy her any stuff or cook for her or clean up her mess. Yes get your key back, you are on the tenancy yourself now. If he wants to see her set times that suit you both (e.g. 12-4.30 on Sundays and Tuesdays) and stick to them. Meet him outside the flat with her, have your coat on, you are going out too. He can take her to soft play, swimming, library etc.

Worry about next year later on. Get your life sorted for now and you will get stronger and you will then be able to cope with future hurdles when they arise. I know it is scary but you can do it. Do you want your kids to think this is what life is?

You can get other people in your life to help out when you need it. Go to local groups, there will be other mums looking for friends. Only contact him for things he needs to know e.g. child has chicken pox.