Devastated at unexpected news

[Whereismumhiding2]

Im sat out in my garden necking strong sweet tea trying to get mt head round terrible news. My sister who was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks ago and has undergone a brutal op, has gone into ICU as it's spread so aggressively they've stopped all cancer treatment. She's in hospital miles away so I'm driving up tomorrow. It's all happened so fast and is such a shock. I can't tell my children til Sunday as I don't want them to be alone with this news (they're at their dad's from tomorrow overnight) til im back but she has very little time now. They thought I was being weird asking them to draw her a picture or to write more in her card.
I guess I'm just wanting to.talk as I'm so in denial and numb, I'm at a loss of what you do or say, except to go up there and hold her hand.
I've rung round all the relatives for.my parents and i didnt feel any of the words I was saying, like someone is going to tell me it's all a misunderstanding. Some of my friends are arranging to meet me at a friend's house who.lives near the hospital to keep me company in the evening (am.staying over so i can see her sunday too) . I guess

So so sorry for the loss of your sister. You sound lovely. I hope your kids are ok

I am so sorry for you and your family

So, so sorry

How are you @whereismumhiding2

@expelibramus thankyou, I'm ok. Sorry to resurrect an old post.

It's been 45 days since my sis died and just over 4 weeks since her funeral.

I say to everyone that I'm fine. I took two days off after she died (&made time up) and 2 days off for her funeral, cos i'd arranged everything & travelled so far for it (my DC's schools were great). Our large family and loads of her friends turned up, all grieving, I worked so hard to make her a personal fab send off. She had a beautiful funeral on 17th, and wake, all so sis, everyone told me so.but I still paced at wake waiting for something, maybe sis to come back. And it has been weird emptiness since.

If I'm honest, and I rarely go above, "no , I'm fine thankyou, yes very sad, yes it must have been a shock for you..." convos except to my bestie whom I flood with why texts and howling down the phone like an injured animal.

Actually I'm hopping mad underneath.If I could swear you'd hear me say the word f*cking constantly. I'm so angry for my sis underneath. And no platitudes any kindly meant friends say can touch upon how devastated my parents and I are. Parents just stayed with me for 3 weeks and I've tiptoed round, checking they are ok .

And i have so many kind lovely people tell me what she would have wanted and tell me wise words about what my sis would think or want me to do or feel. .... But i can't help think sometimes they don't know her that well really, so it jars sometimes.

I did and do know my sis. We would go to the ends of the earth for each other but moan about who hadn't packed what. We'd have laid down over a puddle to let t'other pass, but then moaned about spikey heels on shoes being unfair and undeclared... We were normal sisters!

I loved her including her stupid unreasonable foibles - she wasn't perfect and neither am I, yet we still were tight as anything and adored each other.

I dint think she got wise because she was dying, (she made some v unwise decisions !) and was in denial til the end. Neither would she have gotten wise when or after she died in spirit, she was my sis and very much herself, foibles and all... Bossy, abrupt, funny, fantastic ..

And I can't process that she's not coming back. I'm not ok about any of this if I were really honest. So I'm keeping it locked up, crying in the loo or in bed when my kids can't hear, and keeping myself busy so I don't just stop the earth from turning. And I'm trying not to break out into swearing at the fragging world. I'm staying polite and contained and grateful that I have good friends and family xxx.

Don't stay polite and contained, lean on that good friends and family and swear at the top of your voice
I am so sorry you're going through this, I am only child so don't have experience of losing a sister, I did lose both my parents within a month of each other when I was thirty, it was almost like the funeral and the planning kept me going , it was a few weeks after it was all over that it finally hit
There's no easy way, it's trite but it is a matter of time, the pain will lessen I promise you, don't bottle it up, my heart goes out to you it really does xx

I'm so very sorry Where. I hadn't read the awful news before. Life is bloody brutal sometimes.

If you want to see grieving in it's insensible, unfixable glory, no matter how kind her & my friends (and our family) are in telling me my sis is in a better place, happy, and watching over us benevolently from above, I know they're wrong ..

She'd rather be here cuddling my kids (her neices and nephews), making me home cook her a lacto-vegetarian meal from scratch, wearing her silky pjs & persuading kids to stay in their PJs, and she's up there in the customer services queue to lodge a complaint to God about why he took her so fragging quickly and without reasonable cause. That is my sis through and through.

Thankyou tccat and donkeyoil. Xxx
I'm so sorry tccat for your loss too. Xxx

Your love for your sister shines through in every word you write.

(((HUG)))

You can post on your thread anytime you want to 💐

(I posted on it originally under another name)

If I had a £ for everytime I've said 'Yes, I'm fine' I'd be incredibly well off! There's just no other socially acceptable answer after the first little while is there? 😕 We don't grieve properly like other cultures do & it shows. Let your children see your tears, they need to know you're hurting & that it's ok for them to be hurting too.

Use the F word. It helps relieve the tension. It's fucking unfair your sister died. She was young. She sounds like she was a good person at heart - you can tell because of the relationship she had with your kids! - and it's horribly unfair when good people die, let alone when they're so young. You barely had any time to get your head around how ill she was before she died.

When my Dad died there was a point where I swore that I'd deck the next person to say 'At least he died doing something he loved'. Yeah, because that makes all the difference 😖😡. I miss him so much less knowing he was having fun when he died and NO, if he'd had to chose he would have chosen to be with US in his final hours, not doing that. FFS. But they mean well, and yes, it was better he was having fun than in a car accident or suffering in some way.

'Your sister would like/hate/have wanted... '. Yep, I get your frustration & upset over this too. I've been tempted to say 'Ha. Really?! You think ?! You really didn't know him'. Grrr. But once again people are only trying to help...(and I'm sure I've done the same to others ☹️).

I would strongly suggest you get some counselling. I'm several years down the line from my Dad dying suddenly and I wish I had (I'm thinking about it now). I didn't because I'm 'a coper' and I did/do 'cope' but the anger, resentment, hurt & tears are barely beneath the surface and I just don't have any emotional resilience at all.

At least post here & let it all out xx

Go for a big, long walk on your own somewhere rural. Shout and scream and rant and rave and cry at the trees, the sky, the world. I cannot imagine the unbearable pain of losing someone you love so much, and keeping that pain inside must be so difficult. As well as talking and sharing memories and comforting yourself, it would be good to try and release your anger and frustration. Keep writing, whether on here or just on paper. Swear and curse and say how fucking dreadful you feel. Let everything pour out. Don't stop until the days and weeks and months pass when you find yourself wanting to write something more positive, to express your ideas for the future and the things you are most grateful for. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thankyou all of you xxx ❤❤ and particularly @AnnieAnoniMouse and @Marmaladeorange

I feel weird for expressing anything other than gratitude, which of course I feel, but occasionally I want to scream!

. I think you get where I'm coming from xxx ❤

I do, definitely. I'd completely 'lose it' sometimes when I was alone in the car. A song would come on or I'd see something that brought home my loss in a hard & fast way...and I'd just sob. Break my heart. Find a space to start letting it out. I know I said it before, but I'll say it again, f you can, get counselling, I wish I had. It won't change anything and you might not feel you need it, but if it stops you still being in this stage several years on (as I am) then it'll be worth it.

@AnnieAnoniMouse
In both your posts you totally described something I struggle to express nor understand in my own reactions. . I'm so glad you took time to write them xxx

I'm thinking @marmaladeorange 's has a cool idea.

Cancer is so cruel. I am so sorry xx

Could you start a journal - like an open letter to your sister?

Telling her all the times you've thought about her, laughed at something you've remembered, cried at the memories? The stuff your kids say that she'd have loved? And yes, write the anger down too, because that's part of it all. The sheer rage, sometimes, and the loneliness.
Write it all down, the good and the bad, even read it aloud to her.

And talk to her.

When I lost my father, I would wake in the morning, stretch, feel happy, then this god-awful savage blow would hit me in the chest as I remembered all over again that he'd gone. Every morning for months. It only started to lessen for me when I stood at his grave, at a window, in the garden - and started talking to him. Telling him about my day. How I missed him.

I wish I had some clever words to help heal your pain.
I am so sorry for your loss, but so glad that you shared so much love while she was here.

Take some joy in the fact that you can love and that you have loved so strongly. Not everyone gets the opportunity to do so, but we must try and be grateful for what we have had alongside what we have lost. Keep going. You are so strong, and so wonderful. Sending all my love.